Help Needed -- Evil Coworker Needs Comeuppance!

The BBQ Pit
1

Okay, here’s the situation:

I’ve worked in this office for six months. Evil Coworker (EC) has been there for several years, and apparently worked with Office Administrator (OA) prior to that at another company. OA protects EC and backs her up 100% of the time, even when she’s wrong. Several people have been fired because they dared suggest that EC did something wrong, when in fact she did. This woman is pure poison.

She’s also a serious shit-stirrer. She went around telling everyone another coworker’s salary just to stir up hate and discontent (it worked). She started wearing a perfume that gave me asthma attacks, but when OA sent out a new policy (based on my doctor’s request) that people not wear perfume, she started wearing twice as much and OA has never done anything about it. She goes out of her way to ignore requests for work from those of us who she doesn’t like, which is about half the office, as far as I can tell. Oh, need I add that she only does this to the staff? She sucks up to management in such a way that many of them have no idea how evil she is to staff.

What’s more, it appears that EC has some kind of evil twisted hold over OA. I’m wondering just what bodies she knows are buried, but she clearly knows some kind of secret about OA that makes OA defend her to the death. It may well date back to their prior working together, but in any case became very clear today that there’s more than just old friends covering for each other going on – because EC told a coworker that OA had lied to her about the perfume, told EC that it was HER (OA’s) perfume that bothered me, not EC’s, even though EC knew she was lying. It was clear that OA herself won’t suggest EC has done anything wrong, ever, presumably because she, too, could be in the line of fire if she pisses off EC.

So after OA’s new no-perfume policy and EC’s walking in stinking like a whorehouse the next day and every day since then, I decided, fuck this shit,** and found a new job. So this is my last week. And I was going to go out quietly and professionally, not give EITHER one of those bitches the satisfaction of seeing me upset.

But – and this may seem like a small thing – this morning the entire situation changed. I went in the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. EC was in there. As I left and turned the corner out of sight, she broke into song: “Ding, dong, the witch is dead!” There is no way on the face of this earth that it was NOT (a) deliberate and (b) done knowing I could hear her.

Okay, now it’s WAR.

So here’s what I need from you folks: How do I give EC her comeuppance in a way that’s legal and does not cause physical pain or harm, but provides her with total public humiliation and blows her cover sky-high to everyone else in the office? How do I show her for the evil, vicious cunt that she is in a way that everyone will know and make it so awful for her that she needs to leave that place, and fast? (I’m thinking of my many nice coworkers who I’m leaving behind in her evil hands!)

What can I do to get my revenge on this woman? Creativity is needed, and fast! I only have till Friday!

**obligatory cursing since this is the Pit

2

I’m glad you found another job before some Doper came along and said, “find another job.”
The only real way to get even with her is hire a private detective and get the dirt.
I’m not much help in the “getting even dept.” But a live mouse in her car should give some satisfaction.
And if you live in the Desert Southwest there’s always the chance she could get Hanta(sp?) virus from the little rodent & die miserably.

Cheers.

3

Coat her office chair with mineral oil.

4

Catalog her evil ways and acts in song. Make the song subtly satirical.

Hire a stripper to come into the office and perform it loudly and publicly, (while stripping), the next business day after you’re gone.

5

Don’t bother. What would it really acomplish in the long run? The best thing you could do is to go forth, enjoy your new job and never give this woman another thought. Forget she exisits. Every second you spend thinking about revenge, or how mad she makes you, is just her stealing your valuable life-seconds away.

[sub]Or you could set the building on fire and frame her for it.[/sub]

6

I don’t think there’s much you can do, especially not directly to Evil Coworker, that will expose her for what she is. People who actually work with her already know how evil she is. People who don’t will just assume that you two had personal issues, and that you’re unprofessional and petty.

Depending on their personalities, you may want to talk with Office Administrator and/or OA’s boss (separately, of course), either in person or via email, and repeat everything you said here. Make it clear the Evil Coworker made you hate working there, it was common knowledge that Office Administrator would always side with her even at the expense of others’ comfort and health, and as a result, you were not willing to work there any more.

Oh, and congratulations on your new job!

7

I was contemplating this situation the other night. Like most people, I’m sure, I do have these revenge fantasies when I’m REALLY mad at someone. That’s probably quite normal and part of the normal spectrum of human emotions. The bright burning desire for that asshole to GET THEIRS. It’s somewhat comforting to think that this could possibly happen, if only you set it into motion, and it’s easy to believe that it will all go exactly the way you plan, and your nemesis will be exposed for the crazy evil kitten-micorowaving dickwad muthafucker that they are! And being blessed with a VERY active and detail-oriented imagination, my revenge fantasies are soooo sweet- I could make them into movies.
However, as I was contemplating this revenge thing, my mind turned to Jimmy Carter, who embraced the idea that thinking of doing something was as bad as actually doing it. I know it’s probably a Christian belief, and I’m atheist, but aren’t ideas one step below words which are one step below actions? Doesn’t a negative thought go out into the universe and breed more negativity for the sender? This has been my experience in my 35 years. So this I now struggle with, to let crazy people be crazy, and not harbor these ill feelings because it only causes me harm, in the long run.
Besides, it’s been my experience that assholes, by their very nature, will eventually reveal themselves to be… ASSHOLES!! You actually don’t have to do anything to fuck them over, because in the end, they’ll always fuck themSELVES over. That’s who they are, that’s what they do.

8

Just go up to her on your last day, take her hands, and smile with your most unctuous smile and tell her what a pleasure it’s been working with her, how you will never forget her, and you wish her all the happiness she deserves–that you only hope your new coworkers will be half as charming and helpful as she’s been.

With utter, high-school pageant sincerity.

It’ll kill her.

9

Living well is the best revenge.

As to letting everyone know what a bitch she is… well… without knowing more about her, or your office, or what make of car she drives, etc., my options here are pretty limited.

On the other hand, if she’s as big a bitch as you say, you don’t need to lift a finger. Simply remark that “the wheel is turning,” “the plan is in motion,” and don’t actually DO anything.

People who make a point of being like this bring the boom down on their OWN heads, sooner or later. Your best case scenario is to drive her crazy wondering when your revenge will happen… and to credit YOU with it when her karma finally catches up to her…

10

Better to keep those soon-to-be-ex-coworkers in mind, and let them know when you see openings in your new workplace. So what if she’s glad you’re leaving? So are you! Maybe you could let some word get back to the old workplace of how much happier you are in the new job, assuming it works out well for you. I hope it does.

11

Not sure what the laws are against wiretapping in your area, but I’d have utter and complete fun putting a mini-tape-recorder in my pocket, going in for a chat about this area, and firmly but politely mentioning the perfume issue and the favoritism in general, preferably in a manner that provokes her without sounding like it. When she goes off, shrug and leave. Then, digitise the conversation and email it to the upper echolons.

Notice: find out about the laws on unauthorized recording of conversations before doing this.

12

Seems to me your soon-to-be ex employer has a retention problem in that particular office. Replacing people can be expensive, and eventually somebody is going to want to know what the hell is going on.

I don’t think you should do anything. She’s obviously trying to draw you into her kind of fight. Her singing to you was nothing more than a monkey shitting in it’s hand in preparation for a shit tossing fight.

Good luck with your new job. She’ll get hers eventually.

13

Keep in mind that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

14

Like the Master says above, living well is the best revenge, a smile on your face a twinkle in your eye. Every week send a cheerfull card to the old job telling everybody what a great new job you have and how life is a breeze.

15

All things being equal, I like Eve’s suggestion the best (although the live mouse in the car is a strong second).

16

Eve nailed it.

Actually, you could go to HR or the top boss. Document what can be clearly proved and will be painfully obvious (avoid even the appearance of anything that might be construed as personal). Make sure it’s clear you like the job and the company, but that you personally can not work in such an environment.

Leaving a paper trail (especially when you’re resigning voluntarily) may make it easier for the next person

17

First, congrats on getting out of an enviroment that will only bring you down. Most people stay in because they are fearful of change and the unknown. You realized it was an intolerable situation that was not worth the pay to deal with someone who is beyond rational thinking.

Getting even with her will only bring you down to her level.

Yes, yes, it is a buzzkill to act responsibly.

What this toxic creature is is not a problem to you, but a lesson waiting to be learned. ::::dons white flowing robes::::::::Grasshopper, you are the better person and have learned how not to treat people.

If you do cave in to your emotional 10 year old little girl bent on revenge ( and we all have this girl inside of us), you could always stuff a hard boiled egg under the seat of her car.

And in the back of a desk drawer.

Wear gloves.

18

I hear it’s really hard to get blobs of Vaseline off a windshield…especially after the unsuspecting victim uses the wipers to try and get rub it off.

Yeah, I know, it’s juvenile. Seniors at my last job did it to a particularly annoying gym teacher. No permanent damage, high annoyance factor to victim. You probably wanted something more high-minded. If so, I agree with the other posters who said being super-fake-nice and sweet to her will probably burn her up more… that and subsequent reports of your happiness.

19

When I left my last job in January due to co-worker harassment, I didn’t say a word to her about it, but I told the company manager and the Employment Insurance people, who went to the company to confirm my allegations that this co-worker had been harassing me for over a year. Long story short, I have Employment Insurance benefits, and she got fired last week.

Somebody higher up needs to know what kind of shit she’s pulling, and they need to know that OA isn’t doing her job. Beyond that, I would say walk away with your dignity fully intact and forget she ever existed.

I certainly wouldn’t recommend changing someone’s default font colour on their pc to white, or completely soaking a fabric cushion on a chair so that it doesn’t look wet, or taping something rotten to the underside of their desk. That would be wrong.

20

Amidst all these noble thoughts, I have but one revenge-oriented suggestion.

Go get two $5 bills, and send them to each of the most annoying contribution-solicitating organizations you can think of (televangelists, perhaps, if they still even exist)-- in her name, with her address. You have to live with the fact that organizations you cannot stand will be getting $5, but it might be worth it given the fact that she will be on their mailing lists for her lifetime.

It’s small. It’s untraceable. It really won’t hurt her life or her career. It will just be a little annoying.