Look around the naughty parts of the internet.
Find a sexual perversion site that is really ‘out there’.
Find their message board.
Write a message from EC saying how much you like ‘whatever’ and post her email address and ask people to write to her.
I understand all the revenge fantasies and doing it to the car thing completely, just bear in mind to all those vengeful dopers that most car structures are monitored by cameras and getting busted for a banana up the tail pipe trick would result in a reverse can of whoopass. And having your own personal nemisis cackle in glee at your own stupidity would be worse than having a record with the cops. At least in my world.
Yeah, I know, I am a BuzzKill.
There was a doper a long time ago that did one of the most brilliant forms of revenge on an ex girlfriend.
They placed an ad in the classified for a hot concert that was sold out. Selling excellent seats. Call after 6pm. Used the X’s home number.
I always thought that was most excellent.
(I would expect you would have to pay in person, and pay cash. Groucho glasses and mustache optional.)
I forgot the final part. After the IRS is on their case, an anonymous letter (no fingerprints, no return address, buy a cheap $30 printer to print the letter, use cash, use the printer once, and throw it away) and wear gloves while handlign the paper and envelope. Letter could read something like:
This audit brought to you courtesy of EC.
or
Expect more fun like this audit until you either get rid of EC or rein her in.
Further action will be unnecessary. If the Rich Owners are as uncaring as you think they are, they’ll find some pretext to fire EC in short order.
Is there a reason that you have to work out your two weeks’ notice? I very rarely advocate burning bridges, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. These people don’t deserve you coming in and finishing out your notice period. They deserve you quietly cleaning out your desk and not coming back again.
I’d say empty one your perfume bottles and refill it with bug repellant. Wrap it up all nice and fancy, go to her on your final day, and tell her “I just want you to know I’ll miss working with you, and wanted you to have this. I know how you like perfume, and I picked this scent out especially for you.”
Eve has the right approach on this one.
However, if you do happen to want a little revenge…
Step 1. Acquire X’s resume or make up a good fake one for her.
Step 2. Insert resume into copy machine and set it for 50 copies. More if you like. Make sure the copier is in an out of the way location. Bonus points if it’s near the managements offices. Triple bonus points if the boss is the one to discover it.
Step 3. Recruit friends to contact your companies HR department posing as a rep from another HR department to verify X’s work history at your company. Bonus points for inflated salary information. Triple bonus points for creative company names.
You can skip straight to Step 3 if the resume thing doesn’t work out.
A lot of good suggestions here. A lot of dumb ones, too. (Be the better person? Where the hell is the fun in that?) So here’s my humble suggestion, although you might think it’s a little too “far out”:
Beat her to death with a tire iron.
I’ve used it before with great success, but, as always, YMMV.
Learn to mix and match.
Step one: Give her the saccharine sweet departure. A hug, a card, wishes for “everything you deserve” are all permissible.
Step two: write a memo to whichever boss(es) are most likely to care. If you’re unsure, send it to all of them. Include exactly why you quit (mention the co-worker and her compatriot). Mention other employees – especially former employees – who’d be willing to add their names to the list. The cost of hiring new staff will eventually outweigh the benefit of keeping her, but that’s not your decision. Do not send this memo… yet.
Step three: pick a friend – the IT guy sounds like a good candidate – who can keep you up to date on office gossip. An ally is useful, but realize that your plan is weakened if you let anyone else in on it. Make a habit of calling about once a week just to catch up.
Step four: send a small salvo of mailings – nasty but completely believable – to her work address. Things that are taboo and reflect badly on the company (but which are basically harmless) like Adam & Eve or a vibrator supply catalog are good bets. Perhaps a “swinging singles” magazine? Maybe something defending legalization of drugs. Depending on the environment in the office, you could start with something over the top, and then dial it back to something less incredible. The idea is for people to believe the low-end stuff and then come to believe the really freaky stuff. Figure out the best order based on the advice above.
Step five (optional): write an anonymous note to Evil Co-Worker that says “She’s not the only one who knows.” If possible, send it on letterhead from the previous company she worked at. If necessary, meet with her last supervisor. Do not send this memo yet, either.
Step six: when office gossip reaches the right pitch, send the memo to the bosses. If you can, time this for a stressful moment at her office. Simultaneously, send the anonymous suspicion-raising note to the Evil Co-worker.
Best Case: She freaks out, and the sum of character flaws, vague hints, and your memo gets her fired.
Worst Case: She figures out what you’ve done and has no recourse.
The tire iron will be traumatized for life. Won’t somebody think of the tire changing implements?
1-Arrange for a practical joke to be played on the OA. (whoopee cushion, fake vomit, or perhaps something more severe)
2-Plant evidence at EC’s workstation that the practical joke was her doing.
Okay, these steps should probably be done in reverse order.
But the ensuing hilarity should be quite entertaining!
Well,
What are you going to do?
Wow, Miller, you sure pranked them!
Disclaimer: I don’t encourage revenge; it’s seldom possible to get exactly even. Either it’s inadequate or too much, and you still have an imbalance.
It comes down to 2 questions; how far do you want to go, and how much do you want to spend? Here are a group of possibilities:
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At a sporting goods store, you can get fox urine. Hunters use it to mask their own scent by scattering it around a hiding place. (Some hunters mistakenly sprinkle it on themselves. :eek: ) You can put a dose of it in the cowl vent of EC’s car. Another way, a little more expensive, is to fill a syringe with it and, going through the door rubber, spray the interior with the foul liquid.
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At a home improvement store, you can get a bottle of dayglo orange carpenter’s line chalk. Unlike other colors, it’s permanent. Dump it in the cowl vent, and when the AC, heater, or, oh, joy, the defroster starts up, bright orange powder will fill the car. Permanently.
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Get a pager, under false pretenses, set it on vibrate, and stuff it into the padding of EC’s office chair. Call often.
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Paste a picture of the boss on either side mirror.
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Drop a piano on her (quite expensive.) (Cool noise, though.)
As you can see, these schemes are silly, and in some cases, dangerous to you.
It’s better to walk away clean, and don’t look back.
So how’d it all end?
I know I’m late but…You could have had an asthma attack on your last day. "O my god, gasp gasp the perfume, gasp gasp gasp my gasp asthma gasp gasp call gasp 9 gasp 1 1.’ En route to the emergency room in the back of the ambulance, the nebulizer treatment the medics will give you will open you up and you will be cured by the time they pulled into the hospital. Then you could bring on the mother of all lawsuits–the firm’s failure to enforce the no perfume rule almost cost you your life!
But I’m betting you did the right thing and just got on with your life. Good luck!
This assumes you have, or can get, her home address.
Contact the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Tell them you are EC and would very much like to talk to them before your upcoming business trip and would very much like them to call at 6:00 a.m. this Sunday because you have to leave for the airport at 7:00 and fear for your mortal soul.
Contact the Jesuits. Schedule them for 6:30.
Seventh Day Adventists at 7:00.
A local politician should fit in nicely at 7:30.
Aluminum-siding salesman at 8:00.
Real-estate agent at 8:30.
etc.
Sorry for not replying sooner; it’s not been the most fun week, as you can imagine, with Papa Tiger’s incipient layoff, and there’s been a lot to take care of on the home front, so internet time has been at a minimum.
Sorry to disappoint everyone, but in the end I decided to take the high ground. I worked until 15 minutes before my official end time on my last day, smiled nicely at everyone and spoke courteously, and stayed so cheerful everyone was positively flummoxed. OA was truly shocked that I ASKED her who was replacing me for one of the folks I was working with, since I wanted to have time with her to show her a bit of what I’d done to make her job easier. I don’t think she’s used to people leaving in a civilized manner. (In fact, she was so startled that she actually realized she should probably be nice to me in return, and asked me how Papa Tiger is doing – not that she meant it, but at least she pretended she cared!) In fact, one of the low-level higher-ups, who’s one of the office’s best gossips, took me to lunch on my last day, and commented that in her time there, I’m only about the second staffer she can recall who actually left voluntarily before getting fired.
So I guess my revenge is: (1) Encouraging several coworkers who are unhappy to seek a job elsewhere (accompanied by telephone numbers of two good employment agency personnel who can find them a better job), and (2) telling office gossipy coworker who took me to lunch that “I think EC knows something bad about OA.” No speculation as to what it is, just the suggestion – nay, the merest hint, not even an inference – that she’s keeping her job by virtue of some kind of evil hold over OA. No fear that THAT one won’t spread in a hurry. 
The last two days were actually truly funny, however, in displaying to everyone in the entire place just how SICK that office is. Another coworker (AC) was getting married Saturday, an older lady marrying a long-time boyfriend. AC is a sweet lady, if more than a bit downtrodden (the chief doormat in an office filled with doormats, to be honest), so the vast majority of us were highly surprised and upset to discover Thursday at lunchtime that one of the office bitches had thrown a bridal shower for her. Inviting about five of office bitch’s friends, NONE of AC’s friends. Many of us found ourselves apologizing to AC for not showing up, but it was hard to since we weren’t invited and didn’t even learn of it till after it had happened! To say the place was in an uproar was putting it mildly!
So one of the other staffers put together a lovely bridal shower for Friday, complete with spectacular cake and, since there wasn’t really time for folks to go out and get gifts, a collection for a lovely and sizeable gift of cash. Everyone in the office was invited, including the bitch who’d thrown the first exclusive shower. We all turned up in an effort to make bitch feel bad. Don’t know if it worked, but it was fun.
I cannot WAIT to start my new job. And continue to foment hate and discontent amongst my now-former coworkers, since I’ll only be two blocks away and plan on having lunch with a number of them regularly. Which is easy since my now-former building has a food court in it, the closest place to eat to my new job.
Thanks for all the revenge fantasy fulfillment, folks! It’s been good to know that other people have even sicker minds than I do. I knew I could count on Dopers!
Mama Tiger, you rock! And roll beautifully with the punches. Well done!
So you didn’t drop a piano on her head.
Nuts.
Good on you, but I still wanted to visualize the noise.