In deference to the Pit thread about the rolling eyes face, I’ll refrain from using it, but sheesh. Yes, because all married couples are blissful and never have a lazy good for nothing partner in them. Besides, if she was married, stuck with a lout and got divorced, it’d only hurt her chances for custody.
If this is the way the guy is, it’s better she knows it now than if she had gotten married, got pregnant, he lost his job and they were in the same situation. Being married wouldn’t have turned him into WonderDad.
Shodan, it doesn’t make a damned bit of difference whether you are married or not.
I was married for over a year when I got pregnant with my daughter and my husband suddenly became insane. I’m serious. One day we were fine, the next day he was trying to lock me up in the bathroom one minute, shoving me down the stairs the next.
If I were to offer any lame, duh-hindsite-type advice, I’d say make sure you are financially secure ON YOUR OWN before you consider birthin’ any babies.
I would dearly love to have more children but unless something really cool happens in the next few years, I’ll just have to be satisfied with one perfect child.
And one comment to the OP about WIC and food stamps. It’s degrading and embarrassing but you do what you have to do. I used them for a few months myself until my situation improved. I thought it was more important to be there than to have a second job. You do what you have to do. Some states assist with child care without going through the whole TANF thing. If you are desperate and WANT the guy to leave, check into it.
Ms. Cleaver gave her son the name Beaver, thus he was Beaver Cleaver. I do not make this up. You want to be like that?
Having a dad at home all the time would be cool. Though, when the kid gets into school the dad should look for work. I once did something like this myself, but I had to get home in time for the kid when he got out of school.
My father did something similar, but my parents are married. For coming up on 25 years. Its horrible. My mom is an amazing woman. She’s working in way upper management and bringing home the bacon. She also does just about all of the housework because dad won’t lift a finger without a ig fight. He doesn’t like to go to kid’s functions, like parent teacher meetings or band concerts. His idea of cleaning the house is to scream at the chilren for several hours. Its bad. His total inability to parent or function as a contributing member of society forced me to lose any respect for him that I, by rights, as his daughter, should have. (Please, I would love to have a father. I really would. But that guy that mooches off of my mom doesn’t cut it.)
I spend my late childhood wondering why he hated me. I spend my teenage years hating him and we fought over everything. (I got thrown through a window for turning the stereo down. And that wasn’t as bad as the time that he asked my mom to ask me to start paying rent. I had a job at the time and he didn’t. I had had a job for three years in which he had not worked nor taken care of my small sisters. Oh the ire…) My relationship with him as a person improved when I moved out. I deal with him as an adult I know, not an authority figure at all. And I have spent the last three years telling my mom to get a divorce and kick his butt to the curb. She’s waiting until my sisters get to college. She is unhappy and feels as though she has wasted her life. I love her and find her to be a strong, beautiful person, but staying with my dad has got to be the worst choice she has ever made and she has paid for it over 25 years (YEARS) of constant struggle to be a single parent of three children while living with a dead weight that is a detriment to her children.
I fully believe that my father is a negitive infulence on my family.
Whether he is as bad as my father I cannot say. If he keeps the house clean, cares for your child well, loves you and makes you happy this situations isn’t all that bad. If he is a detriment to the family, boot him.
And at this point, be glad you aren’t married to him. Booting him isn’t as big of a deal.
I’ll answer this one. Not saying that this problem would not exist if they were married. However, it seems to me that this guy is not ready for a family. The fact that they are not married would indicate that he is lacking in the necessary commitement for this relationship. Being married wouldn’t fix anything, but it would be a better indicator of his seriousness.
First of all, I used to be a single mother and I can’t even begin to tell you how difficult it was. If you just simply don’t love this man anymore and there’s no hope for the relationship then break it off with him and go on with your life. If you really do love him/care for him and you don’t want the relationship to end but you can’t accept him staying home all day but not taking care of the house… maybe you should talk to him about it. Maybe you just need to tell him what you expect from him. Do you want him to get a job? If he continues to stay home with your child do you want him to take care of the house? Have you communicated anything like this to him. If not then that should be the first thing you do. If he refuses to get a job or refuses to do anything around the house… get him the hell outta there. He’ll be nothing but a bad influence on your kid.
This is a cop out. He’s not “saving” you shit! He’s staying home sucking the money right out of you. My SO’s cousin had a baby with his girlfriend and she worked 12 hour days and he stayed home with the baby. He didn’t clean house, make dinner, go grocery shopping… nothing. His girlfriend worked all day and then came home and cleaned, cooked, and took care of the baby. He watched t.v., ate food, smoked cigarettes, and drank beer. Sure, he took care of the baby. If you call changing a couple diapers and feeding her a couple of bottles throughout the day “care.” She said the same thing you did… “He’s saving me a lot of money on daycare.” Well, let’s think about this. Daycare would’ve cost her $260/month. I don’t know about you but I don’t know anyone who works and only makes $260/month. Most of us, even part-time workers, make a helluva lot more than that. If your boyfriend was to get a job you’d have to shell out a few hundred dollars for daycare but you’d also have more money coming into the household and wouldn’t have to worry about how to pay the bills or worrying about whether or not you’re going to have to go on WIC.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with going on WIC to help you take better care of your baby.
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Again, there’s nothing wrong with being on WIC if you really need to be. I don’t think it’s “degrading” or “embarassing” at all. The program is there for a reason and if you can utilize it you should. I was on WIC for a little over a year but I had two children and a single mom’s income. Because of WIC I didn’t have to buy formula for my son or milk for my daughter… it was provided by WIC. I just had to pick up the voucher’s and go to the store. Formula was/is pretty damn expensive and I was glad to save the money. Every little bit helped. Don’t let your pride hold you back from something you may need. You’re only going to hurt your son in the long run.
How’s he going to get custody of that child when he doesn’t have a job or any means by which to support that child? Most custody cases are in favor of the mother and since this mother is holding down a job she has a better chance of getting custody than him.
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AFAIK, Ward only had two boys and a wife to support. And why should she have to take on a second job and work herself to death so this guy can stay home. He’s not doing anything around the house so she gets to work all day, come home and clean the house and spend a couple of hours with her child before going to bed so she can do it all again the next day?? Doesn’t seem right to me.
Since he had a job for many years before the child was born he’s got the clothes and probably the car. Childcare costs aren’t going to outweigh the income he would bring home if he had a job… even a part-time job.
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Implying that a sitter can’t be loving? Children that go to a sitter have just as many benefits as a child who stays home with a parent. I don’t want to turn this into a SAHP VS WP but it’s just not a good enough reason for Margarita to stay involved with a man who makes a lousy companion.
As Rachelle points out, Ward had only his wife June, and two boys: Wally and Theodore (Beaver). The family had only one TV and one car, and lived in a time when federal income tax hovered around 14%.
Even Jim and Betty Anderson had only three kids: Betty, Bud, and Kitten. Ozzie & Harriet just had David and Ricky.
Except for the Brady Bunch and the Bradfords, I can’t think of a single TV family with five or more kids.
I would like to point out in my defense, I was not aware of how many children the Cleavers had, I was merely passing along erroneous information supplied by Margarita herself. You see, I was raised by a stay at home parent and we were unable to afford TV in those days.
I also wanted to compliment Rachells cousin-in-law in finding day care for 260.00/month for 12 hour days. I thought child care providers around here were poorly compensated!
I would also like to note that while the preponderance of custody battles result in the mother getting custody, that is not the case when the father is and has been the primary care provider. Folks tend to get pretty resourceful when it comes to custody. I only mentioned it as a very real possibility and something to consider before blindly jumping into the fire of single parenthood.
What possible good does this “advice” do her now? Berating her for past actions doesn’t help at all. She needs PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS, not wishful thinking.
I’m sorry to say that I have none for you, Margarita. I hope you find the road that will lead to the happiness and betterment of all involved.
I may be talking out of my other end here, but I think everyone TOTALLY missed the point of Margarita’s reference to June Cleaver. I don’t think she meant that she wants the roles to be reversed so she could stay home while her man went to work. I think what she meant was that she wishes she could live in the “perfect” world of the 1950’s sitcom. Think about it:
June had a beautiful home and a loving family. Her children were always well-behaved and her husband treated her with respect. All their problems were simple and could be tidily solved by the end of every thirty minute show. In June’s world, there was no impending threat of divorce or custody battles, no talk of child care costs and of making it as a single parent. Life was simple, life was good.
Margarita, please correct me if I’m wrong, won’t you?
Daycare around here (for infants, in a center) runs over $210 a week. If you live in a high cost daycare area (this is one of the highest) and don’t have a very good paying job, you will either need to collect child support (hard from a guy who doesn’t work), make other arrangements for caring for the baby, or revisit your decision not to take government help (and around here, getting child support subsidies is apparently quite difficult, you go on a waiting list and about the time your child reaches high school, qualify for the subsidy).
I don’t have any idea how single parents do it. The only single mom I know is rather well off and has a great network of family and friends willing to pitch in. My husband and I have two kids, two good jobs, a wonderful relationship, close family and friends, and I still sometimes think we were nuts!
I think I’d be looking a changing the relationship - shared joint custody - he provides daycare until he can provide child support, you and the baby move out and you move on with your life. You may discover that you are better off with him, you may discover you are better off without him, or this may light a fire under his butt.
Of course, you’re right there! LOL What I should have said was, her children weren’t hooligans. (sp?) And since their lives were scripted, Beaver only got into relatively minor mischief and a good “talking to” and a grounding set him right.
You know, different parts of the country have different daycare rates… just like they have different pay scales and cost of living rates. What may seem cheap to you may be expensive to someone else. Also, the sitter she would use is my SO’s (and her boyfriend’s) aunt so our daycare costs are a lot less expensive compared to what she charges someone who is not family. So she’s not poorly compensated, she’s just taking care of her family.
And it’s not like this girl works 7 days a week either. She works 4 days a week (Example: Sunday, Monday, Thursday, Friday one week and Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday Sunday the next week.) At the most it would be three weekdays she would pay for a sitter because her mom would watch the baby on the weekends.
She is no longer with my cousin-in-law. She got fed up with him being a lazy bum and got tired of not having money to pay their bills and she moved away. She’s not a very bright girl though. After she finishes school next spring she says that she’ll come back to him if he will just get a job and keep it. The girl’s never gonna learn. :rolleyes: Oh well, better her than me.
