Single Moms Just Can't Win... A Rant

The BBQ Pit
1

Okay, briefly, my situation.

I have a three year old son. I left my marriage to his father (alcoholic, pot-head, emotionally abusive, allergic to work, starting to finance his habits by selling pot and running small time scams) slightly before my son was six months old. I am not divorced yet, because the man couch surfs, works part time (sporadically) and is hard to find. His mother tells me an address from time to time, but the guy does not keep his mother updated in his life. I recieve no child support, I have not persued this formally, according to the Canadian Child support guidelines I would be looking at around $70 /month. Frankly the distress that the man would cause me is hardly worth the money.

I am a nurse, and I make a decent wage, but I do work 12 hour shifts. One perk of my job is my schedule is fairly regular, I work alternate weekends, but have every Monday and Tuesday off.

In the two and a half years since I left my husband I have started from nothing (we moved back to my hometown when I was 8 months prgnant with little more than the clothes on our backlived in a two room apartment for the first three months) was on welfare for three months, got a job then in three months got a full time contract and within a year was full time. I worked 12 hour shifts and have worked overtime at times to show Im a team player, and also to help save money for a down payment on a house, out of rental housing and in a fairly good and convinient neighbourhood, nothing fancy.

It seems since then I have done nothing right. My son is three and shows no interest in potty training. Hmm. I must not spend enough time with him. Im a bit late (about 1 month in arrears… but making payments every two weeks) paying my daycare bills… my budget is very tight and a few days of sick time at the end of December has put me behind. (Plus my bills for December or January all have the “set up” fees that people get when they move and/or set up utilities, etc. I must be frivolously wasting my money. I take overtime to correct the budgetary imbalance and then its back to taking time away from my son. The only “extras” in my budget are my cable(most basic there is anything less gives me two fuzzy channnels with rabit ears…/internet… (I keep the internet because I also am doing my degree by distance ed…to get a better job that doesn’t involve shift work–oooh bad I should be speninding that time with the boy…) and my gym membership (to increase strength so I dont get hurt so much at my physically demanding job). I have student loan payments, a car payment…but no credit card debt. I pay for chiropractic and massage therapy care to keep pain free without drugs. (maybe a luxury, but for me NOT being on painkillers is worth it.) After I pay everything (and contribute a small amount to my son’s education fund and my RRSP) I have about 100 dollars for the next two weeks. That is gas for the car, groceries, clothes, whatever. We aren’t starving, and we aren’t in rags, but there isn’t a lot extra.

Today it feels like everyone has something to criticize about the status of being a single mother. If I stayed home and didnt work, I would be a lazy welfare mom. If I bought a house 40 000 cheaper it would be in a lesser neighbourhood that would be wrong and endangering my child. (Plus Im not particularly handy and don’t have time anyway for doing all the necessary repairs a fixer-ipper would entail.) I chose not to buy a house with a suite in the basement so that my son could “be himself” without being quiet for a tenant, and he has his own toyroom in the basement. If I quit my full time position I no longer have benefits. …(drug, dental, pension, etc) or a set schedule and gauranteed hours.

Anyway it really feels like shit flows down hill and everything I do is wrong in some way shape or form. The “resource” teacher at the day care wants to talk about “toileting and self care ISSUES” with my son, and it just feels like… NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH, and EVERYONE has an opinion on how I “should” be doing this better, or different. Single moms: a walking target for criticism.
Oh yeah and since this is the pit. Dammit all to heck! Frickety frack!

2

First, allow me to give you a standing ovation. You’re doing your best at a very tough job, and you deserve all the credit in the world for that.

But please remember that people who only see one part of your life don’t know – and in some cases, for good or for bad, don’t care – all the other things that are going on in your life. Your son’s teacher is concerned about his development, but she probably doesn’t know that you’re running as fast as you can in six different directions, and feeling guilty that you can’t spend more time with him. The bill collector people don’t really care why you’re behind, they just want you to pay them. But none of those people are making a comment on you as a single mother by talking about their areas of interest-- that is something that YOU are reading into the situation. That’s very easy to do – “I don’t have any money! I don’t spend enough time at home! I can’t scrape on any less than I do! I must suck!” – but please don’t let yourself do it. You are juggling knives, and you shouldn’t be kicking yourself for not being able to sharpen and polish them, too; you should be congratulating yourself for keeping them all in the air. It doesn’t sound to me like you’re doing nothing right; it sounds like you’re doing everything right. It’s just that when it’s two steps forward and one step back, it’s hard to see the progress sometimes.

Take care of yourself. Take care of your son, and please have an open mind in working with his teacher to address his issues. As for the rest of the world and what they might think – fuck 'em. They aren’t in your shoes, and if they were, they probably wouldn’t be able to do any better than you’re doing.

3

I guess my only criticism would be: how could you NOT know that your son’s father was alcoholic, pot-head, emotionally abusive, and allergic to work before you got pregnant? That seems to be the only spot where you went wrong.

Oh wait, I also think you could go jogging or get a cheap weight set to lift at home for free. Maybe get one of those jogging stroller things to run your kid in instead of paying for a gym membership. That does seem a little frivolous.

4

And massages seem frivolous too. How much squatting and deadlifting do you do at the gym? I would bet none so running or walking would suffice.

Also I think it’s silly to put yourself and your child out now in order to save for your child’s education. Unless he plans to go to private school, good state schools aren’t that expensive. He can easily get financial aid and scholarships - especially since his father is a deadbeat.

5

You get loads of respect from me, I have a son almost 3 and have a hard enough time even though we have two parents to look after him.

And 3 isn’t really that old for a boy to not be toilette trained. I know boys older who haven’t done it and that is with two parents and older siblings.

6

I don’t think the massages and chiropractice care are frivolous at all - you need to take care of your body so you can continue to work. I applaud you for everything you are doing.

I think when you go in, you may be pleasantly surprised by the daycare’s attitude. Ours has no expectation that kids will be potty trained by any particular age, but they do want to discuss it with parents when the child is starting to exhibit some signs of interest, so that the daycare and the home can have a coordinated plan that is not confusing to the child. “Issues” doesn’t have to mean they think a problem - it could just be a synonym for “topic”.

If you do want to save money on the gym membership, take a look at the workout plans on Stumptuous. If it fits into your lifestyle, it could save you some money and some travel time.

7

First of all, you are doing a great job and my suggestions following are in no way picking on your choices, I just thought there may be a few things you don’t know about that I do (having been through a lot of the stuff you are talking about):

Have you investigated something like “The Family Centre” I am not sure what it would be called in T-bay, they provide help to families in crisis, childcare, help with housework, meal prep. That kind of stuff, may take some of the pressure off.

Also, T-bay is very expensive, have you thought about other places to live? I know it seems like a huge step, but for example in Winnipeg housing is pretty cheap (by comparision).

Also, you should not have to pay student loans while in school. You can also apply for a reprieve on the payments, maybe the six months would give you a chance to get ahead a little. You can re-apply after six months if you need more time.

For your gym,are there cheaper gyms? maybe one on a base?

Massages and physio - what about going to a massage college? They are less expensive

Last thing - pursue him for child support. I know it’s not a lot of money, but it’s the entitlement for your child and your son deserves to be supporter by both parents. Every little bit counts. File with Legal Aid and let them fight it out. Don’t shortchange your child the support he is due from his father (at least the financial support).

One last thing - don’t fret about the toilet thing, some kids are just a little slower to want to use the potty. My sister’s sons took a little longer and one still has problems - they finally took him to the doctor and found out he has a problem sensing when he “needs to go”.

8

If, after all is said and done, you really only have $100 a month to spend on stuff, then the $70 a month you would get from the father is pretty important. I’d go for it. Assuming, of course, that you’d actually get it.

The only other change I can think of is to something you implied–are you saving money every month so that you can buy a house? That may be a bit premature… if you’re working on a degree to get a better job, it might be worth it for your peace of mind to delay the house-buying a few years and have that extra money to spend now.

Otherwise, it looks like you’re doing, have done, and will continue to do all the right things.

9

When you are able, I think you would be better off pursuing a divorce. As his legal spouse, you could be held liable for any financial misadventures he has – and may be caught up in the legal ones, too. That worries me for your sake. I’m not familiar with Canadian divorce laws (and they may vary across provinces), but can you do a no-fault divorce? Here in MN, all of the necessary forms were online. I just filled 'em out, had my ex sign them (and I understand this would be a major challenge for you), and turned them in to the court.

All the best to you. I agree with Jodi that it’s best not to take the narrow focus of others as criticism of everything you do. You’re doing the best you can, and it IS good enough.

10

hugs Take a deep breath and let it out.

I’m a single mom myself, with my son 3 years old. It’s rough, believe me I can sympathize with that. I get a lot of flack from my father about how much time I spend with my son (he takes any comment I make and acts like I’m abusing him, drinking and partying every night, etc etc). Not everyone is thinking that though, but I know how easy it is to take the few people who criticize and paste the views expressed by them on to people who aren’t thinking anything but they have to do their job.

Jodi is wise, listen to what she says, and cut yourself a little slack. You sound like you’re doing well with what you have. I’m amazed you’re saving for a house (I’m just trying to get my license and a car which will take at minimum a year because of the laws here) and his education. I’m just getting to a place where I can start doing that!

Look into any and all options for aid. I’m not sure what is in your area, but I know there are several groups in my area (a couple of which I have gotten help through, and others that if I weren’t working myself I’d probably take advantage of).

Poysyn Re: Student loans. Isn’t that just for full time students? I’d have to check my paperwork but it’s at home and I have class tonight. I too am paying my student loans back. It doesn’t hurt to apply for a reprieve on payments though!

11

For what it’s worth, if it makes you feel any better, I’m a stay at home mother with a husband. We have a son who turned 3 1/2 today. He’s not potty trained (and yes, we are desperately working on it). I have two other friends with boys the same age who are still struggling. Cross that off your things to feel guilty about.

(And I think it sounds like you’re doing a great job otherwise.)

12

Hey Jodi. You probably weren’t going for this, but you helped me work out my own thing right there. Thanks. Gosh, what a great reply you made in general. If I were the OP I’d feel on top of the world from getting such an encouraging response.

To the OP: Seriously, you’re a bad ass mother. Everything in the system is stacked against your success. I was the child of a single parent, it wasn’t easy for either of us. You would have to be a pretty horrible, neglectful parent to cause your child any long-term developmental problems, and based on what I’m reading here, you’re a fantastic, superwoman-esque parent, feeling stressed out by a situation that would make most people shrivel up, turn brown, and die. The fact that you’re even coherent enough to write this post impresses the hell out of me.

Samm and dgrdfd, I like how it seems to you that the only reasonable response to a single parent feeling overstressed and insecure is to point out the things you think they’re doing wrong. Oh wait… no, that annoys me. :dubious:

13

I am not sure how it works for part-time students, now that i think about it, but I know you can apply for a six-month interest relief, and they are really good about it. Info on Interest Relief

14

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that the not paying back is just for full time students. She should definitely apply for interest relief though.

15

I don’t have any advice, but I do offer encouragement. Someday, your son is going to look back and realize that he has one kickass mom, and that he’s a very, very lucky boy.

As for toilet training, my sister was pretty difficult. My mother found the best method there was bribery.

16

My husband’s parents bribed him with M & Ms.

They’ve got pictures.

17

In my sister’s case, it was a dollhouse. Well, not a “doll” house. Remember those little animal dolls called Sylvanian Families? My sister and I had a few of them, and they also had a little house and various furniture you could get for them. My sister wanted the house really bad and sooooooo…

18

You really got to get that Divorce thing taken care of. I don’t know much about Canadian Law, but here in CA, your husband would have a *claim *to half of your house, and if you died would likely inherit everything, including your kid.

It also seems like you are listening to someone who is dising you and bringing you down. Don’t listen to them anymore.

Other than that, you’re doing great. Keep it up. Kudos.

(If it makes you feel any better at all, I am a single no kid Professional but can’t afford to buy a home and has to live in a crappy old apartment- so life ain’t so bad.)

19

Don’t pay attention to what other people say. Anyone that’s been in your situation knows it’s not easy and you just do the best you can.

Good one.

20

Doesn’t sound like it. Still you could have some potential improvements. The money you’re putting aside for your son and for your retirement, what interest rates are you getting and what kind of investments are you putting it into? If they’re less than the rate of inflation you’re probably better off spending it on your daily expenses. Does your empoyer offer, or have you spoken with them about, a dependent day care flexible spending account? I see you’re in Canada, and I’m not sure how it works there, but in the US the IRS allows people to have pre-tax dollars set aside for day care expenses. Depending on your tax rate this can be as little as a few extra cents per dollar to a significant increase. Have you looked at re-financing your car or student loans?

Having no credit card debt is fantastic, congratulations! That having been said, there are a lot of things you can do with credit which may help your immediate situation. For instance, my wife and I had a car loan at 9.9% and because we had no credit card debt the credit card companies were bending over backwards to make us offers. We had a cash advance/balance transfer offer for 3.9% for the life of the balance. So we paid our car off on a credit card. We cut the interest rate by 6% and now we can choose between pocketing the money we were spending on interest or having it go to paying down the car faster(which is the option we chose, but we aren’t having trouble meeting daily expenses).

Do some research, since you have Internet access this will be easier, about aid programs in your area. My city offers first time homebuyer assistance with grants or low rate loans up to $30,000 for downpayment and closing costs for residents. Your employer may have an employee assistance program. I just received the latest brochure for the one my employer offers and they offer free assistance, counseling services mostly, with a number of life situations. Here’s a snippet from the brochure, the lists are not all inclusive, just some I think might be helpful in your situation(typos inserted randomly for maximum entertainment).

[quote]
Confidential Consultation on Personal Issues.

Call any time for no cost confidential assistance with personal concerns, including:[ul][li]Relationships[]Problems with your children[]Job pressures[]Marital conflicts[]Stress, anxiety, or depression[/ul]Your Employee Assistance Program(EAP) is staffed by experienced clinicians, is available by phone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. A guidance consultant will refer you to a local consultant for assessment, referral counseling, and brief treatment(up for four sessions, per issue per employee/family member)…[/li]Financial Information, Resources and Tools
…
Our financial professionals are here to discuss your concerns and provide you with the tools and information you need to address your finances, including:[ul][li]Getting out of debt[]Retirement planning[]Saving for college[]Tax questions[]Credit card or loan problems[][/ul]…[/li]Personal Convenience and Work-Life Needs
…
You’ll receive a personalized reference package with helpful resources and literature for virtually any need…[ul][li]Finding child or elder care[]Relocating to a new cityHome repair[/ul]…[/li]Legal Information and Resources

Our attorneys are available to provide confidential support with practical, understandaable information and assistance. If you requrie representation , you can also be referred to a qualified attorney in your area for a free 30-miute consultation with a 25% reduction in customary legal fees thereafter…[ul][li]Divorce and family law[]Real estate transactions[]Debt obligations[/ul][/li][/quote]
Even if your employer doesn’t offer a program like this, odds are there are some in your community. Either through a community college, a city center(such as a recreation center with adult education programs), the local library, or private organizations.

It sounds like you’re doing a good job already and just need to blow off some steam, but if any of these areas cause you headaches, there are probably resources nearby to help. I don’t know what kind of support network you have where you are(family, friends), but we can all use some help now and again, and programs like these are there to provide that help if we need them.

With regards to toilet training, eh. In my experience, as a father of five, children tend to go through stages where they are receptive to it and when they aren’t. Talk with your daycare about what you’re doing to toilet train your son and what the daycare’s policies/procedures are. We had a great daycare when we were in college and they potty trained our eldest when she moved up to the toddlers room from the babies room. In general watch for receptiveness on his part. Trying to train a toddler when they aren’t interested is a recipe for futility.

Enjoy,
Steven