When I met my boyfriend, he had a great job in management for a major auto manufacturer, but he lost it (fired, basically) and I went and got a mediocre job to support us. I got pregnant about a week later (not on purpose), and we were engaged.
I worked up until two days before I had our son, and he, with 15+ years management experience and 3.5 years of college, did not get a job. I took 6 weeks off work, went back and got promoted less than a month later. He is still sitting at home, and I admit, I’m saving big bucks on daycare for my baby, but I’m pretty sick of carrying this dead weight (yes, that’s exactly how I see it).
I have given the engagement ring back because I don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t have the same sort of family image that I do… but then again, what image do I pass along to my son if I refuse to marry his father? I will never bad-mouth his dad to my son, but if and when we split up, how do I explain things?
Ick! I wish I could live in a June and Ward Cleaver world. Advice, please.
Sorry, I must have missed something. It sounded like you’re saying that you’re basically supporting a perfectly healthy grown man because he’s the biological father of your son, and because you’re getting free day care? With no commitment on his part, other than a “yeah, sure, why not”?
And your question is not, “Is it better to wear boots, or shoes, to kick the bum out?” but rather, “What do I tell my son if we split up?”
Well…Hmm…
I guess you could tell him that Daddy was a no-good lazy bum of a freeloader.
Or you could be tactful. “Your Daddy and I didn’t agree about some very important things.”
You seem very concerned about the image this will portray to your young son as he grows up, and rightfully so.
But what image is it going to give if you stay and let things continue the way they are? It will tell him that he can do the same thing. All he has to do is find a woman as wishy-washy as his mommy.
I’m sorry to be so harsh, but that’s the truth, as I see it. It’s your decision to make, but you need to consider what it will teach your son in all the options.
I said I will never bad-mouth his father to him, and I won’t. That would be the epitome of bad parenting on my part. There is no reason that my resentment should taint my son’s image of his father.
I don’t think it’s “wishy-washy” to decide to have and support a child by oneself, which is pretty close to my situation, and I hope my son will someday realize that because I had my priorities in order in the first place that I was able to do so, i.e. I went to college, established a career and waited until I felt I was mature enough (30 years old) to handle the responsibility of having a child.
But I am so concerned about the image of “what a man is” that it will convey to my son. I DO NOT want him to think that this is ok, for a man to “let his pregnant girlfriend support him and not even try to help out,” as my mother put it.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Margarita * He is still sitting at home, and I admit, I’m saving big bucks on daycare for my baby, but I’m pretty sick of carrying this dead weight (yes, that’s exactly how I see it).
[quote]
I guess anyone who stays home to take care of their children are considered dead weight these days.
Is boyfriend a good guy? Is he a good dad? Or is he a slug, jerk, or someone you just don’t like (joblessness aside)? Does he act like he loves you?
If the tables were turned, and you were home staying with the kid, and he were working, would he be tempted to kick you out because you weren’t getting a job?
Can you guys live reasonably well on your income alone?
When I was a kid, my mom didn’t go back to work until I was 7. My dad didn’t want to kick her out because it (of course, they agreed to the arrangement, beforehand). I think there is a double-standard with this sort of thing, personally. It “looks bad” if a dad doesn’t get a job - but if the mom doesn’t get a job? Who gives her a hard time for it? Not too many people (usually).
I don’t know - it’s your life, and you know this guy, and we don’t. He may or may not be a total bum - only you really know.
I agree that it doesn’t “look good” when this guy seems so happy to vegetate at home. Perhaps he’s depressed, has lost his confidence? What causes a man to just give up like that, after having a rather good job? You know him better than we do.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Margarita * He is still sitting at home, and I admit, I’m saving big bucks on daycare for my baby, but I’m pretty sick of carrying this dead weight (yes, that’s exactly how I see it).
Homemaker extraordinaire.
Whoa, I didn’t mean to start this whole discussion, but let me state for the record, my mother was a full-time homemaker, and she did a kick-ass job of it 24 hours a day with five kids. And being a mom and homemaker is more than a full-time job. My boyfriend takes cares of the baby for 9-10 hours a day while I’m at work, but that’s it.
I’ve been a single mother for 12 years. I sent my husband packing when my daughter was three days old.
I realize it was my fault for not choosing my mate wisely, but I didn’t add to the problem by keeping him around for free babysitting services. It wasn’t worth it.
If you don’t plan to marry him he needs to leave. Maybe when he’s up to taking responsibility for his family he can come back?
On the other hand, if you really love the guy and can look past his lack of ambition, maybe you could live with the role-reversal. My best girl is the bread-winner in her family and she is very happy coming home to her clean house, cooked dinner and happy family.
He’s a good dad, affection-wise. I love him, but frankly, I love my son more. He loves me, and he isn’t horrible to me.
If the tables were turned, and you were home staying with the kid, and he were working, would he be tempted to kick you out because you weren’t getting a job?
Yes.
Can you guys live reasonably well on your income alone?
No. We cannot survive. And I REFUSE to get WIC or food stamps or whatever it is. Call it silly pride, or whatever, but I will not do it as long as I can possibly squeeze another hour of work out of me. I just wasn’t raised that way.
If you choose to throw the “BUM” out on his ear, he has the right to go to court and ask for custody of your child. Having been the apparant primary care provider for the child, there are better than even chances he could win.
If Ward Cleaver could support five children and a wife, why can’t you support a loving husband and one child? If you need more income, take a second job or encourage your SO to look for a part-time job with different hours than yours, so you too can experience the joys of full time parenting.
You might also re-figure the costs of your SO going back to work. Childcare, another vehicle, work clothes, etc. When you factor in all the extra costs involved in both parents working, you may find it more feasable to cut a few corners here and there and continue the relationship as is. And just look at all the benefits your child has with a full time loving parent caring for them, rather than a baby sitter.
I’m not trying to be mean, these double standards just tick me off!
Let’s see. A man spends 15 years as a middle management prole and has a relatively good job, no make that a “great job”. You decide to have unprotected sex with this seemingly good bet and “surprise” you get pregnant. Mr. Great Job is suddenly a “dead weight” bum because he loses his job (a real rarity in this economy) and stays home and takes care of the child. The idle, loafing wastrel! Actually he sounds like a feminist’s dream come true.
I’ve been out of work for well over a few months in my life. Getting oriented and motivated to look for a job in a cut throat, competitive job market is difficult if you’re getting over the shock of being fired. He might well be somewhat depressed and lethargic at this point. I know I was. After a few months I got back on track and was making more in a quarter than my non-supportive wife made all year.
It’s transparently obvious you no longer care for this man and in fact you have utter contempt for him, which is reflected in your descriptions of him and your tissue thin rationalizations of the brave and deliberate stance you are taking with incipient single motherhood.
Just boot him and have it done with. You’re where you wanted to be all along. You have your baby at long last and that’s all that matters. It’s time to kick the sperm donor to the curb. He’s served his function. It’s time for you to move on to the next one.
Is he deliberately not loking for a job because he is genuinely lazy? Or is he choosing not to go back to work after 15-plus years in management because he kinda likes the idea of staying at home with his child?
And why do you want him to go back to work? So you can stay home, or what?
I’m a working mother, supporting two children, a stepchild, and a husband who stays at home. Christ, have I got it good. We’re poor, but having my kids’ father at home with them has been awesome. And not just because of the saving-on-daycare thing, either.
My husband tends not to “hover” over them, as mothers quite commonly do (I know I sure did when they were babies). As a result, I’ve got startlingly self-confident children. They’re happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. My husband is a musician, so he does work outside the home, but only at night and on weekends. They’ve inherited his musical ability, too, which is extremely cool.
I say my family is “traditional.” One parent working outside & earning the check, the other at home taking care of the kids. The only thing that might be considered non-traditional is the gender of who’s doing what.
Now, that’s troubling. He needs to pitch in. then. As I have mentioned before, I think there is a “double standard” between mothers and fathers and earning an income. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad that he’s home, and you’re working. But if you are not making ends meet, he needs to pitch in. Even if it’s a part-time job. I don’t know him, I have no idea what all his problems are, but perhaps his confidence is blown, or he’s really depressed? If so, a little counseling, compassion, or heart-to-heart might be in order? (But you know him, I don’t. I may be just totally full of it here!)
I also will say that I think the idea of him being home, taking care of the kid isn’t a bad thing. My dad (who worked full-time, BTW) was a good “Mr. Mom” when it came to taking care of us kids when we were sick, etc. I so preferred his loving care to that of a babysitter.
So, it sounds like this guy either needs to be a proper Mr. Mom, (and keep the house up, do all the chores) and he needs to maybe work at home, or at least get a part-time job?
Having a father at home, doing “free day care” doesn’t sound like a bad deal, in and of itself, IMO. I am sure your kid is benefitting from it. I hope you can work something out with him. He may just be depressed, and needing a little “push” to get his shit together.
<<I don’t think it’s necessarily bad that he’s home, and you’re working. But if you are not making ends meet, he needs to pitch in. >>
Right. I don’t see it as “waa, I have to work and he gets to stay home, I want to stay home and watch Flintstones all day” so much as…when you’re playing bill roulette on which one you pay this month, it’s easy to be REALLY resentful of someone who could make the situation a lot better, and doesn’t.
There are actually several jobs out there where your stay at home dad with a kid could take the kid along with him, especially at the age where they’re carseat sized. Has he considered this as a source of backup income?
This sounds pretty close to my mother and father’s situation when I was young. Dad simply would not work, would not look for work, and would not even help out around the house. My mom kicked him out, not simply because he wasn’t working, but because he was not adding to our household in any way.
To make a long story short, it was a good move. Dad got to absolve himself of responsibility, I didn’t have to listen to them fight any more and Mom got to run her household in a reasonable way. Mom and I were better off emotionally and financially without him. Because of the small size of our household, I grew very close to my mother and I also learned a lot about running a household. I really don’t feel like I missed out on anything by not having a father around. I’d even say I gained.
Then again, every situation is different. My mom had a large close family that she could rely on. My dad certainly didn’t want custody, and back then joint custody was pretty rare. What worked for us might not work for you.
Even Sven seems to have the right of it. It sounds like this guy just doesn’t really want to be a part of the household. If you guys aren’t doing well financially (and it doesn’t sound like it if you’re talking about WIC and foodstamps) then he should be off his ass working. If he doesn’t want to contribute to the family, he should get out or you should throw him out. Sure, there’s a lot of stay at home moms and that’s swell, but in my opinion they’d all have the obligation to help make money if the family needed it. No reason why this schlub should be any different.
Trust me, it’s cheaper without him. My girlfriend got pregnant back when, we moved in together and she didn’t work or do a thing around the house (including taking care of our son). So I went to court, got primary joint custody and she moved out. It’s much easier living even with paying a sitter and buying stuff for my son myself than it was with her here running up the bills and laying on the couch. If you’re worried about custody, see a lawyer now before you do anything. Much like my ex-gf, it sounds like your boyfriend lacks the inertia to suddenly change the scene anyway, so bide your time by another few weeks, see a lawyer and get it all in order before you make your move.
As for your son, I’d rather have my child live with one person who loves him and cares for him unconditionally than having him be around a second who’s a role model for laying around and taking up space while contributing nothing. Either your guy will get his act together or he won’t. If he does, maybe it can be worked out and if not, your son will draw his own conclusions based on how his dad is. But don’t drag yourself down for this guy.
