Single Moms Just Can't Win... A Rant

If you take one piece of advice from this thread, finalize your divorce. Everything your husband does financially can still come back to bite you in the ass until you are legally divorced. Just ask my mom who left my dad and didn’t get around to the divorce for about four years, and then he died three days after the divorce was final. He got as many credit cards as he could in that time, and racked every one of them up to the max, as well as the joint credit card that her name was still on. She didn’t get stuck holding the bag for all the other cards (those went to the estate, thank god), but she did have to pay off the joint credit card (to the tune of about $7000, I think it worked out to).

Get your divorce done. Get free of your dead weight. You probably can’t buy a house without your husband signing papers (Homesteader laws) - you need to get free by that time.

It sounds like you’ve pretty much got everything else under control.

My kids were both 3 1/2. And the only thing that worked was patience. Tried bribery. Tried threats, timing, running around naked (can I just say that non-housebroken children running around naked means a big mess), big kid undies, trips to grandmas. Patience - works every time.

Somedays parenthood sucks when there are two of you and plenty of money. Cut yourself a break.

I’d work on figuring out a way to do strength training at home. I’d also see if you can’t find a barter arrangement with a massage therapist. (Maybe find one with kids you can watch with your own to give her some time off). And I’d trade the cable for a cheap DVD player and a stack of used DVDs and a library card (kids watch the same things over and over again anyway). Those changes, plus going after your husband for support, would triple your disposable income and take some of the pressure off.

I’ve heard boys are a lot harder to train than girls (which makes me nervous for the future…). My cousin swore she was going to send her son to college in diapers, but one day, he just got it. Don’t sweat it. He’ll learn it eventually.

(And if you haven’t tried it with him, I’ve also been told about the Cheerios trick - throw a few Cheerios in the toilet, and let him aim for them. If anything, it’s amusing for Mom.)

I don’t have any advice that anyone else hasn’t given you, but you’re doing a great job. Taking care of a kid with two parents is hard, I can’t even imagine doing it alone.

E.

Sorry, I kinda forgot my point - if my mom’s divorce hadn’t been finalized three days before my dad died, she would have inherited his debt from him - around $50,000, I think it was. Get your divorce.

That account sounds interesting, but daycare varies from province to province and the government… well, we now get $100 a month per kid under 6, to help defray daycare costs or whatever if you’re a stay at home parent (and it is taxed). There are slight tax breaks for daycare costs (and camps and such, but it’s limited).

Hey Juliefoolie, you should see about daycare subsidy. Do they have that in Ontario? You’re probably eligible for some, if not the full amount, which will make it easier to keep on top of the bills. It certainly makes me breathe easier.

All this talk of potty training troubles makes me feel not so bad too. My son is three and though he is well aware of the toilet, what it is for and is willing to sit on it… he won’t use it with any regularity. Oh he tells us (my mom and I), but then he either doesn’t sit long enough to go or will only do a little. I did try bribery (each time he actually did something, even the tiniest bit, not just sit for two seconds and get off again, he got a jelly bean). Led to lots of tantrums demanding a jelly bean when he wasn’t doing anything but trying to get a jelly bean.

He seems to be getting (slightly) better though.

If it is any consolation, my daughter is 16 months old. I work nights so she doesn’t have to have anyone care for her but my husband (her father) or me. Want to have a clue how much crap I get for leaving her with HER FATHER? Why am I working? Why doesn’t he make enough? I should be at home. Let’s see, mortgage, homeowners insurance raised $300 mon. car blew up, had to get one NOW so I now have car payments, insurance went up because my car is financed, lost my health insurance at work that cost $99 mo for all of us so my husband can pay $350 a month for health insurance through his work for just them, not me. But it did mean that my daughter was no longer with a babysitter for 6 hours a WEEK. I work 12 hours on Saturdays which means we only have one day a week together as a family and are in the process of trying to go mortgage free so maybe, just maybe, I can afford to be home with my daughter, or at least, have a weekend for the family.

I get so much crap it isn’t funny. One of the joys of being a mom is no matter what you do, you are doing it wrong.

Really, one of the great joys? Having your daughter walk up to you and give you a hug for the very first time. It’s worth all the criticism. Chin up, you are doing a damn fine job.

No, he isn’t babysitting, it is HIS child.

Stupid parenting double-standard for women and men… spits

I’m also a little confused on the “no credit card debt” point…

It is always nice and honorable not to have any - but if not having credit card debt means also not being able to afford daycare, then throw caution to the wind and start using your credit card.

I have great credit and am very good with money, and everyone who knows me would agree. But right now I have over $5k of debt on my card. Why? Because I need it. I’m a young single woman with her own (old) home and have my own business. I don’t have ANY frivolous possessions (I don’t even have a proper TV) and I’m not playing games with my credit card. I pay 10x the minimum each month and keep on top of everything. Credit isn’t hurting me, it’s helping me get to where I need to be.

You’re obviously studious about money matters. You can manage to have a credit card and keep it under control. And your job is good enough that you will be able to keep up with it.

Don’t cause yourself undue stress because of pride.

My daughter is four. She wasn’t potty trained until two months before her fourth birthday. Don’t beat yourself up over it like I did. I tried everything I could think of until one day it just clicked with her. She was fully trained in a week.

Another post about toilet training: a year ago in March, his parents were all worried when my stepgrandson turned 3. He wasn’t toilet-trained. Now he is. It’s just the way those things go, and no two children are alike.

The OP got a lot of good advice on this thread, and, in my book, you’re doing great, girl!

I’d like to stress the divorce as necessary, absolutely. I don’t want to scare you, but I wouldn’t even start saving for a house before that’s settled.

Well, I’ve just stopped by to say I think you’re doing a hell of a job.

I totally get the need to stay in shape for your job, the physio to remain drug free, all of it.
I think you’re right on the money.

I, for one, do not judge you to be doing anything in any way incorrect. You have my respect and admiration for the difficult job you’re doing - alone. For stepping up and meeting the challenge, we’ve all seen parents who check out rather than step up!

The only wisdom I have to share is this; almost always, in my experience, when people feel judged it isn’t really because they are actually being judged. It’s because they feel reinforcement, real or imagined, for a judgement they have already made against themselves.

You seem a really remarkable woman to me, doing a difficult job - well. You truly have come a long way baby, ( :stuck_out_tongue: , sorry I couldn’t resist!). The question is, can you take the last baby step to set yourself free from this form of self tyranny. Silence the inner critic and you won’t feel judged any more. You’re strong, and as a nurse I’m sure you have compassion for your every patient. Can you muster a little for yourself? A little goes a long way. After all, it could turn out you’re just a mere human like the rest of us! :wink:

Keep doing what you’re doing, live strong! I think you’re awesome and so do most of the people you encounter, be assured!

Wow thanks (most of you) for the feedback. Poysyn I used to live in Winnipeg, before I moved to Vancouver to marry the ex. Hmm, miss those days, but family is here and now my house.

Couple of things… Im in school only part time, and my student loans went in collections (long story there, but whatever Im paying back now) so no relief there. I don’t HAVE a credit card…interesting the bank that lent me just over 100K to buy a house won’t let me have a credit card with a $500 limit…and I was never this broke until the last two months with the new bills from a new house and a few smaller paychecks. I was managing --hell I saved over 10 grand in 18 months! And yeah, I went over budget on Christmas. My kid is three, I have my own house. I cooked, I decorated, I bought presents for the people in my life who are good to me. I spent too much, but how did I know I was going to be off work for a week right after?) The budget is tight, but I see that it becomes managable in two or three months when I’ve caught up. If I dont have 160 for hydro Im paying 120. Im managing. Im putting 25 dolllars a month into a registered education fund, and Im putting 50 into my RRSP. Its not how much, its that Im doing it.
I do have a will and POA and guardianship for my son in place. The ex cannot inherit. I just can’t find him to get a divorce. I found the family law centre that will do it for $1090, on 4 equal payments, and add an extra 170 if I don’t have an address. I can’t afford the payments RIGHT NOW, but its going to happen.

My finances are just a source of worry thats hitting a bit more because its the end of the month. I really don’t mean to dwell, I should have a raise(few cents/hour) in a few weeks and a larger increment (over a dollar) in April. Mostly Im still ranting after talking to the fucking resource teacher at my (subsidized but dammit, I make “too much” money so my co payment is killing me… this went up as of December 1…another new expense in the last two months) day care…

The “ISSUES” concerning foolieboy’s toileting. The ISSUES of “self care deficits”
I have "ISSUES with this “resource teacher”

Last fall in a meeting with her (and not with his regular teachers… she drops by his daycare two mornings a week) she riffed on his “social delays” and talked about how only children “without the interaction of siblings or two parents” often show social delays. Oh yeah, well how about the fact he couldnt bloody hear until July, and despite my frequent urgings for them to test his hearing, they said “he had a hearing test at birth, that showed up fine” nothing happened until his ear drum ruptured and was repaired. That day he said “Mommy your car is singing” in response to my radio and basically he has talked non stop since then.* Yeah, his playing with other kids was lagging because he couldnt hear and could barely talk*. I have no problems with this, I knew about it, I asked for a consult with the resource teacher because I was concerned he wasnt talking much although he is obviously bright and aware. Yet this woman still mentions “his interaction is limited because he has no siblings”. Ok, well lend me twenty bucks, I’ll get loaded go to the bar and foolieboy can have a sibling in about 40 weeks. (Ah then watch the world line up to condem the single mother spending her time in the bar, two kids by different fathers!)

Today she denied ever having called him socially delayed. I have the “treatment goals” sheet she gave. I quoted her on the sheet. She now claims that the comment was taken out of context. Im sorry, I know interacting with other kids is important. That is part of the reason he goes to daycare instead of just an elderly relative all day. Do I need to spend my free time with him with other kids so he can get more socialization, or can I take him to the library, the book store, do crafts, see dog, flower, car, whatever shows. Teach him how to scramble eggs? (I think his ultimate dream job is to be a short-order cook on a train.)

ARRRGH. Then when Im at work, and I have to split my lunch hour up so I can pick him up at 430 take him to my house and meet the sitter… I get a “Well, when my kids were small I only worked 6 hour night shifts… I went to work after they were in bed, I was home for breakfast and slept when they were at school” ARRRGh, well for one thing I basically fall apart on night shifts, but second of all, and most importantly, the hospital has changed structure and ownership and there aren’t steady 8 hour night positions available at this facility. Sure it might be nice to do that, but this twelve hour day thing is the job I have and Im making the best of it. You get an hour for lunch, I get a half hour at noon and a half hour at 430 and Im not complaining Im appreciating it, because I can get a 15 year old girl for three hours after shool for reasonable rates by doing this, as opposed to more expensive day care from an adult who would pick him up when the daycare closed…

Im at the library and I hear someone bitch about “single moms and their kids”
Im filling out forms at the dentist and when I say no its just me and my son, I get the tight little smile, “oh a single mom.” My new neighbour introduced me to his wife as “the single mom next door”. The comment? Oh, I thought they sold the house, are you renting?

Its the fucking dismissiveness as if single mom=welfare, or my kid has cooties… some weeks it feels like we’re the last group its socially acceptable to descriminate.

Maybe some of it is me, I never wanted this for myself. I avoided all the getting knocked up stuff in my twenties, I always had a plan. I married badly, though and its nobody’s fault but my own. But uh Samm… alot of it I didn’t know, until too late. And there are things that are acceptable when you are dating someone that aren’t when you are trying to parent a child together. Despite my last three years, I cant wish my marriage to foolieboy’s father had never happend, cause I have an amazing child.

Im not single, Im separated. Im looking forward to a divorce. I have a boyfriend who is wonderful, and we talk about marriage some day, but understandably Im gun shy and right now living together isn’t something we…or lets face it…its me…are ready to do.

Sigh.
It feels good letting it out. Most of you are pretty compassionate. Mostly I dont complain. But its been a week, I tell you, and its only Wednesday.

We have a Doper lawyer right there in Thunder Bay. I cannot imagine that she would not be willing to invest an hour or two in giving you a hand up with the legal side of issues (pursuing divorce/support) either pro bono or charging you a bare minimum, just based on what you’ve said here.

Otherwise: what Jodi said. My wife and I have had several friends, including her longtime best friend, try to go the single-mother route, and you deserve straight A’s for how you’re doing at it.

The guys who sounded critical, up above? Don’t read them as judging you; look at it as blunt advice on how to cut a couple more corners, increase your net discretionary income.

Also, the following depends a lot on your supervisor’s personality, but the women I’ve known who supervised nursing staffs would none of them have had an objection to it: Tell her you’re a team player, willing to work extra hours as needed so they aren’t shortstaffed – but that, as a single mom, you need to be able to keep some quality time with your son in your schedule too. She’s got a good team to depend on; all he has, is you. You’re willing to work with her to make sure you pull your weight on the schedule, but you need to be able to reserve some time to be the mother for your kid, too. Put in the right tone, she’ll be 100% supportive, and schedule Trudy, who thinks the world revolves around her whims, for those bad shifts. (I know you have a Trudy type for a cow-orker; everybody does! ;))

About the daycare, maybe you could look into a dayhome rather than a daycare? They are often cheaper (mine is about 150 less a month than the daycares around here) and can offer a more one on one/small social group setting rather than a whole bunch of kids with a couple of teachers which would probably help with the ‘limited interaction’ thing. Not that daycares aren’t good, but it might be something to look into as he might get more out of it. I know my son loves going to the dayhome and it eases a part of my mind a bit since Margaret is a mother herself (of two teenagers, who are good kids).

Or is there someone to complain to about the resource teacher since she doesn’t seem to be helping? You or your son. Someone with a one note song like that would drive me up the wall too. She’s supposed to let you know if she sees anything wrong and give you tips and ideas on what can help (or indicate if a doctor should be consulted) not just harp on like that.

Oh, another idea for interaction. Do you have friends with children about the same age? Or seek out playgroups in the area. One of my friend’s and some of her friends have children ranging from about 2.5-3.5 years old and we got together last weekend for coffee and chatter for us and playtime for the kids. It can be harder with the playgroup thing, you might not find a group you mesh with (or fits your schedule) but it might help. And seek out single parent groups too, always a good place to find support and sometimes just get out.

Polycarp has a good idea there too. Talk to your supervisor, see if something can be worked out. If you show you are willing to work and you have a decent supervisor I find they are understanding.

Hey flutterby thanks for all the support. Mostly Im ticked that a two half day a week resource teacher puts things so badly and boldly. Does he need more interaction with children? Well DAYCARE is supposed to be part of that, correct? Three full days a week. My days off I do visit with friends with kids, or do other interactive things. A playgroup to me just detracts from the 1:1 time. (Which apparently Im not giving him enough. He’s not toilet trained. He’s not tying windsor knots in his tie. Who knows, this woman visits a few hours a week and thinks she knows what he needs. His actual teachers disagree. He can count to about 15, knows all his letters and can tell you the make and possibly the model of most cars on the road.)

Ahhh, it was a week where one person questioned my working, another questioned my income, another made a snide remark about single moms. Im feeling really prickly and defensive. It really just seems that no matter what…even when I had money before buying my house… every decision is wrong. In this age of multiculturalism, equality, where no one would dare comment about someones race, ethnicity etc. But “single mom” just seems ok to dump on.

Most days I laugh it off, but my funny bone isn’t working this week. Except when I read sequential threads. That makes me laugh.

Julie, I was potty trained and eating fried eggs for dinner at 1yo. But once I got access to books at school, I’d be so engrossed in them I’d forget about needing to pee until I’d gone and done it. Uy! I’d get sent to school with extra underwear for a couple months (I was 4-almost-5). But at home I didn’t do it, even if I was reading… the problem was solved by letting me go to the bathroom on my own without having to ask the teacher. Being able to “notice, get up, run down the hallway, pee, wash hands, go back” apparently fit inside my brain better than “notice, raise hand, wait for teacher to notice while holding it real hard, wait for her to tell the teacher in the next room, walk down the hallway holding her hand, pee, wash hands, go back”.

Middlebro and Lilbro are two years apart. Middlebro didn’t get potty trained until Lilbro (who is a lot more squeamish and always has been) started trying to learn it… that puts Middlebro at about 5.

None of us is any worse in the head than the rest of the family :slight_smile:

Well then, if other people (who also have training to notice these things if it’s anything like here in Alberta) think he is doing fine and they spend more time with him… I’d say she’s just blowing smoke. Some people are just stupid. As for playgroup, I find our impromptu one is great because I can spend time with my son and at the same time have fun for myself.

I’ve had those sort of weeks myself, had one the first week of January because I was practically lectured by my father about not being at home enough with my son. (Uhm, I work full time, go to night school so I can make more money and do something more with my life than data entry and take a couple nights a month, if that, for myself to see a movie or have supper with a friend to maintain my sanity since I don’t go to the gym or anything like that, I spend the rest of my time at home or out with my son.) Makes me mad again just thinking about it. Some people just don’t get it.

Looks to the left . . . no one . . . looks to the right . . . no one . . . looks up (just in case, ‘cause ya never know what might come fallin’ out of the air and land splat on you) . . . no one. Raises hand. That’d be me – Richard Culpeper. Drop me a line if you could use some legal advice or assistance. [EMAIL=culpeperlaw@tbaytel.net]culpeperlaw@tbaytel.net

I’ve been tempted to conduct a general pitting of the frustrating phenomenon of women marrying, having children with, and/or otherwise attaching themselves to losers, when there are good men out there who can’t manage to find a good woman. But that would be a separate thread; it’s not helpful here.

I don’t think thats unusual. Based on my siblings; little sister, started learning at barely two, didn’t get it figured out till four. Little brother, showed zero interest until 3 1/2 or so, then one day decided he was done with diapers and never needed them again.