Single Moms Just Can't Win... A Rant

[elbows]

I can’t help thinking that you shouldn’t let yourself get riled over the ‘delayed’ thing. Teachers are, largely, NOT idiots. If this one wants to think this because he’s not potty trained let her. Next year, he’ll be potty trained, and have a new teacher who will see past this, his letters and numbers etc. That she feels he is not potty trained because you are a single mother, may or may not be true. But it sounds like guilt you’re bringing to it. So he’s not yet potty trained, cut yourself some slack, he will be.

When someone introduces you as the ‘single Mom next door’, I think the dig you’re hearing is your internal dialogue, truly. Those sound like innocent words that could be taken many ways. He could have been implying that you were single and available. He could have been saying it out of respect for the great job you’re doing alone. He could have been saying it to indicate that this means you merit protection, assistance, support from the larger community. The very words ‘single Mom’ seem to grind you in some way. It feels to me that you are bringing your own judgement to it.

Life takes lots of twists and turns and it’s easy to find ourselves in situations we thought we’d avoid. Often times we need to examine how we judged others in these circumstances. Y’know, before we joined the ranks. Many people, mostly single Mom’s feel that their children are paying the freight for their bad life choices. Please don’t let guilt over not providing some imaginary ‘ideal’ for your son consume you. You’ve done too much right to fall into this trap. Especially since you, and you alone, can easily set yourself free of it.

You know you are doing the best you know how, for yourself and for your son. I think all of us here can clearly see that. I’d wager most everyone you encounter can too. But if it’s not enough for you, it never will be. In some ways you are robbing yourself and your son of the joy that contentment brings by always aiming for more and better. Let it be enough. When you crawl under your covers every night take a moment and breath in the fullfilment of knowing you brought your best game to the days challenges. Allow yourself to smile and enjoy it. Once you’re enough for YOU, you won’t be arsed about what anyone else may or may not feel.

I think you’re doing a damn fine job.

Keep up the great work!

[Annie]

@Muffin

Looks to the left . . . no one . . . looks to the right . . . no one . . . looks up (just in case, ‘cause ya never know what might come fallin’ out of the air and land splat on you) . . . no one. Raises hand. That’d be me – Drop me a line if you could use some legal advice or assistance.

Muffin, Q.C.: Tuesday nights on CBC…

[Polycarp]

@Muffin

Looks to the left . . . no one . . . looks to the right . . . no one . . . looks up (just in case, ‘cause ya never know what might come fallin’ out of the air and land splat on you) . . . no one. Raises hand. That’d be me – Richard Culpeper. Drop me a line if you could use some legal advice or assistance. [EMAIL=culpeperlaw@tbaytel.net]culpeperlaw@tbaytel.net

My apologies for 1) volunteering you, but I “know” you as a person from the board well enough to recognize you’d be willing to give at least a modicum of help to a fellow ThunderBayite – and for 2) somewhere (perhaps your war with Satan over gun control?) I mistakenly formed the impression that you were of the female persuasion.

[Beadalin]

@elbows

When someone introduces you as the ‘single Mom next door’, I think the dig you’re hearing is your internal dialogue

Not to speak for the OP, but I don’t think it was the introduction that bothered her. It was that the person to whom she was introduced assumed she must be renting the home rather than the one that bought it. That is kinda insulting.

[Jodi]

@Polycarp

My apologies for 1) volunteering you, but I “know” you as a person from the board well enough to recognize you’d be willing to give at least a modicum of help to a fellow ThunderBayite – and for 2) somewhere (perhaps your war with Satan over gun control?) I mistakenly formed the impression that you were of the female persuasion.

I, for one, appreciate you confirming that Muffin is a boy muffin, since for a minute there I thought I was going to have to rethink a board crush.

[Bookkeeper]

Julie, have you checked into getting a loan reduction for your student loan? This will reduce the balance you owe, and I believe that having gone to collection shouldn’t affect this, as you can get the loan taken out of collection if you’re back up to date on payments (and possibly even if you’re not, in a hardship case). And anything can be done if you can convince the Minister to authorize it. You may get some results dealing with your MP or the Minister of Human Resources and Social Development, whose department is responsible for Canada Student Loans and helps administer the Ontario Student Loans.

[Spice_Weasel]

Ahhh, it was a week where one person questioned my working, another questioned my income, another made a snide remark about single moms. Im feeling really prickly and defensive. It really just seems that no matter what…even when I had money before buying my house… every decision is wrong.

This reminds me of a story my Mom told me. She said she was standing in line purchasing a cake with her food stamps, and some woman standing behind her made some snarky comment like, “Oh, I’m glad all my tax dollars are going to buy that!”

My mother turned around and looked her straight in the eye. She said, perfectly calmly, “Today is my daughter’s birthday. I can’t afford to get her any birthday presents, but I at least want her to have a cake.”

The woman stammered and apologized and said, “I’m sorry, I’m just having a bad day.”

But the point is that the woman felt perfectly justified in heaping her own shit on my mother. She viewed her as a second-class citizen. She didn’t know she was in college for an Engineering degree and couldn’t even afford a babysitter… she just made all these assumptions about what kind of person my mother was, and felt perfectly entitled to shit all over her.

People are idiots.

But… you aren’t alone. A lot of people do go through single parenting. I wonder if you know any other single parents? Maybe it would be helpful to find some, so you could share your struggles with other people who get it. I’ve also heard of single parents kind of alternating child-care duties to make the burden a little easier to bear. In the very least, you’d have someone to commiserate with. It might be even as simple as finding an online community for people who go through similar things… Just a suggestion.

[Heffalump_and_Roo]

Minor hijack; apologies to the OP.

@Thudlow Boink

I’ve been tempted to conduct a general pitting of the frustrating phenomenon of women marrying, having children with, and/or otherwise attaching themselves to losers, when there are good men out there who can’t manage to find a good woman. But that would be a separate thread; it’s not helpful here.

Please do start that thread. I’d be very interested to see it. Please include in your OP the qualities of these fictitious “good men” and where these rare and exotic creatures can be found.

[Muffin]

@Jodi

I, for one, appreciate you confirming that Muffin is a boy muffin, since for a minute there I thought I was going to have to rethink a board crush.

:eek: :o

[Shirley_Ujest]

Oh fer fucks sake.
My son didn’t do anything but point and grunt until he was well over two. Everyone else was worried about him except Us. Despite having two parentl units, where as I was mostly a single mom during this phase of his life.

When he decided to talk, he talked. He hasn’t shut up since. He has a serious babbling problem. Think of spongebob on expresso and red bull and that is our son. He gets it from his Grandfather and my husband, who now recognizes This Is Not A Good Thing.
He also didn’t get potty training until a month for his 4th. Yanno why? He showed zero interest in it at all and I didn’t push him at all. I am the most horrible mother of all time for not forcing my child to do what Everyone Else is doing.

Then over a weekend he said to me, " I"m a big boy now I don’t need diapers." and he never had an accident and we were out of diapers for him. (YAY!)

Everyone elses’ kid will be the Wunderkid with potty training. You will hear it ad nauseum how little susie was potty trained at 18 months. This is an unescapable truth of parenting.

A VGF of mine just goes on and on how her baby was potty trained at 20 months. She’s nearly four and still has weekly accidents and wears a diaper at night. :rolleyes: :dubious:

My daughter was harder to potty train and I did the same method of At Their Own Pace and When She Shows An Interest. I can’t remember what the issues were, but she is 7 now and fine and likes to use " I have to go pee" as a control method.
Daycare teachers and preschool teachers can really crush the parental self esteem. A parent is very vunerable and needs to be reaffirmed that our children are ok. what happens, I feel, is that when you have a parent that isn’t emotionally needy ( like many moms are) desperate for their own approval as well, approval they never got from parental units or whatever, the teacher just takes them down a notch with " Your child is immature." Well, duh. Their 3. What do you fucking want, a Rhodes Scholar?

Our preschool teacher, who is wonderful with kids but absolutely horrible with relating to parents or adults, told us our son should be held back because he was immature ( despite the fact he *never * had tantrums, fights, major listening issues, spaztic problems or snits in class, like the rest of the boys. He was only clingy when I helped out in class. Go.fucking.figure.) We made the decision to keep him where he was at and he is the top boy in his class and at 85 pounds in the 3rd grade ( no fat) he would be a fucking monster if he were in 2nd. I was one of the few moms that would not put up with this teachers Napoleon Complex and, surprise surprise, mine was suggested to be held back. So was the other mom who also didn’t put up with her shit either ( a girl)

I’d bet the farm on the fact that women who have major issues with authority or were never listened too as a kid ( middle child syndrome, is what I call it) or reacting with Adults become preschool-1st grade teachers. They cannot handle being challenged or told they are wrong. Big Fish in Little Pond. This is my theory, but I would really welcome others input.

**Trust your instincts. **You were spot on with his hearing and no one would listen. I am profoundly sorry that has happened, but allow this 3 year ordeal of being ignored and poo-poohed to serve as your chance to help other moms and listen.
Ask your family to help you pay for the divorce. You need to severe that connection. If you don’t ask for money, you aren’t a full fledge family member.
You are doing an incredible job, don’t let anyone tell you different.

[fessie]

Only about half of 3-yr-old boys are potty trained.

[Spice_Weasel]

What do you fucking want, a Rhodes Scholar?

Hahah, Shirley!

Good rant.

[C3]

Well, I don’t know if any of this has helped juliefoolie, but I know I feel better (about potty training and not sending my kid to preschool). Thanks, Shirley!

[Muffin]

@fessie

Only about half of 3-yr-old boys are potty trained.

Judging by the toilets at the university residence where I lived for a couple of semesters, this figure does not change much over the years.

[fessie]

::snort::

[Queen_Tonya]

You’re not just imagining it, or maybe you are but you’re not alone, there really is a definite attitude people get hearing the term ‘single mother.’ And I get why they’re often apprehensive, I do. The non-parent who’s had to pick up a kajillion extra shifts because a coworker who’s a single parent can’t pick them up, people who think single-parent equals welfare-user and are resentful of what they consider an unfair tax on their own hard work, etc.

I’m a single mother, my son is 14 and has a plethora of special needs to boot. I’ve always worked full-time, and in the last few years started an apprenticeship which means adding part-time school to the mix. Finding time to do my own homework in addition to making sure he does his, as well as paying the bills and working and shopping and cooking and maintaining a home, it’s freakin tough. I don’t think it’s any easier having two parents in the home, necessarily, parenting is just damn hard to do right and every parent in the world wishes they could do/be more.

Funny, just last week I got two vastly different comments from coworkers on my single-parent status. I was venting over my son’s school problems to a fellow apprentice, who’s wife is pregnant with their first child. I’ve worked in the same department as this man for 12 years, and we began our apprenticeships together so we also have classes together each semester, and he hadn’t realized I was a single mother or that my child has disabilities. He was amazed that I’ve been raising a kid on my own all this time, especially with going back to school and all. He complimented me on ‘not playing the single-mom card’ like so many others do and I decided since he meant well, I’d take that in the spirit in which it was intended and said thanks.

My boss, on the other hand, was giving me grief over needing to take a few hours personal time to go to a meeting at my kid’s school. According to him, he’s a “single parent” too, since his wife doesn’t work outside the home then she should be counted as just another dependant he takes care of. I’ve never asked for any special accomodations, my needing to go to a meeting at my kid’s school isn’t any different from coworkers who schedule dentist appointments during work hours, so I’m gathering that he’s supervised parents in the past and formed his opinions. Of course I didn’t bother pointing out that all that invisible work his wife does all day long raising their children and running their household actually does count for something, since he’s the boss and I wouldn’t change his mind anyway.

Rather made for a wistful sigh moment though. I can still get harrumphing derision over being a single mother even while a more astute colleague realizes that I’m the last person in the world to ask for any sort of special dispensations because of it.

Realize that it’s their baggage, Julie, and don’t make it yours. I am not responsible for my bosses general issues with single parents, perhaps having me on his team will help change that opinion but if not, I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

[Spice_Weasel]

According to him, he’s a “single parent” too, since his wife doesn’t work outside the home then she should be counted as just another dependant he takes care of.

Oh, god. What a pig. Sorry for you (and his wife) for having to put up with someone like that.

[WhyNot]

@Juliefoolie

Mostly Im ticked that a two half day a week resource teacher puts things so badly and boldly. . . His actual teachers disagree. He can count to about 15, knows all his letters and can tell you the make and possibly the model of most cars on the road.)

Just food for thought, but is it possible this resource teacher is desperately trying to justify his (her?) continued existence on payroll? Your kid sounds absolutely on target to me, if not a little ahead of the game. Then again, perhaps that’s it - maybe resource teacher thinks he’s not “living up to his potential”. DON’T let them push you into the position of pushing him academically even if it’s because he’s bright. Let him be a kid.

WhyKid potty trained at 4, with a few try-out before that. WhyBaby (almost 2) has been flushing the toilet for me for a few months, but I’ve outright told her that she CAN’T try the toilet until she’s ready to use it all the time. I’d rather delay her by a month or two than go through the whole “accident” thing, or do a song and dance to get her to train earlier. It’s easier to change diapers than to waste energy pleading and bribing.

[Malacandra]

@Heffalump and Roo

Minor hijack; apologies to the OP.

Please do start that thread. I’d be very interested to see it. Please include in your OP the qualities of these fictitious “good men” and where these rare and exotic creatures can be found.

[continues hijack]I think they’re to be found just round the corner from the “right girl” people were always telling me I just hadn’t met yet[/ch]

[fisha]

@Queen Tonya

According to him, he’s a “single parent” too, since his wife doesn’t work outside the home then she should be counted as just another dependant he takes care of.

Wow. Just wow. Betcha he doesn’t get blow jobs.