Well I took some advise, (Almost faked the groin injury but I wanted to be amourous later in the week) And told her what I felt.
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That was the reaction I got. Not tears no anger just
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I explained that we should wait a little longer
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I said I could sleep on the couch if she wanted
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Damn that silence is a powerful tool.
Man, it sucks if she’s trying to use silence to pressure you into having a kid you don’t think you’re ready for right now.
It warms my heart to see children brought into the world with the benefit of healthy parental relationships as role models; knowing that they’ve got that head start on learning the importance of communication and whatnot.
Yessirree. Warm fuzzy feeling.
Kingpengvin, now I ain’t trying to get in your business or anything, hon, but I just have to wonder about why Queenpengvin wants another child right now? You don’t have to answer my questions here, but consider the following:
Does she feel like she just wants to get the whole childbearing thing over with and deal with 3 toddlers all at once? Is she ready to stop having kids after the third baby? Is she worried about her biological clock and just trying to make sure she gets in having all her kids while she still can? How many kids does she want to have in all? How many kids do you want to have in all? Is she somehow feeling insecure about how you feel about her? Is she feeling insecure about herself in some way and using having a baby as a way to deal with that insecurity? I guess I’m saying all this to say that I wonder if she’s sat down and looked at her own motivations for having another child beyond the obvious desire for one.
I’m also wondering about when you told your missus that you don’t want to have another child right now. Did you give her some specific time frame about when you would like another one. Do you want to wait another year or two or five? If you opt to have another kid, whether it’s right now or a few years down the line, how are you going to take care of it? Can you afford to hire a nanny or get the grandparents/godparents/aunts/uncles to help out?
I do have to wonder just how is she managing to juggle dealing with 2 toddlers right now? Can she deal with being preggers and constantly having to look out for 2 toddlers? I know she has you to help and all, but it’s still quite a handful for 2 parents. If I’m hearing you correctly, her reasons for wanting another child aren’t clear besides the desire for it. You, however, are focusing on the work to come after another kid is born.
Maybe what’s troubling her is that before y’all didn’t plan your kids. They just surprised you, and she’s wondering why you want to change the game plan now. If you focus on a specific game plan, then she may start talking to you again.
Hope this helps.
I’m sure she will. You see the Qveen isn’t one for explosive outbursts of emotions (Thank God) She is quick to anger but doesn’t explode, this is just her way to soak in everything, deal with what I have said, what she feels and then usually in a few hours we can talk it over. In the mean time I feel like a load.
by the way celestina you have given me a few things to think over, I really never thought of her reasoning for the immediacy of this plan. I really do want more children (2 more) I’m sure she’d probably only want 1 more and that isn’t really an imporant issue for me as she is the one to do most of the early work carrying and birthing the tyke, so I defer to her will on that.
I also want to rethink my motivations and this gives me the time to focus on that as in “Oh Shit what have I done now, better think about this before I open my mouth again.”
But I think I will ask a few of the questions you asked, If I know more maybe we’ll come to a compromise.
Drastic: The Qveen rarely gives the silent stare unless she is really upset about something, and that is rare.
We have been friends for 13 years before, and had an on again off again relationship in our early twenties. We even had six years apart. We found each other again 5 years ago we realized what we had was better than any relationship eaither of us had and decided to spend the rest of our lives together.
We rarely argue and only once have we ever raised our voices. There is no lack of love for our children and we never disagree with each other in front of them.
gee this is going longer than I planned…
The conclusion is we will probably talk again tonight and who knows maybe things will work out tonight.
13 years… god I forget my own age. make that we’ve known each other about 17 years.
Most? ? ? You only have one job, and its a fairly pleasant task at that.
Try setting a deadline of, say, a year. Agree that at that time you will both sit down and seriously consider whether you want to have a kid. A definite time to talk it over again might make her more able to drop the “Must have baby NOW!” attitude.
It could be she wants another baby *now * because
a)it makes her feel important and your SIL just had a baby and is getting all the limelight.
b) Makes her feel important, needed and secure with her own world.
c) Having a third right now for her is easier because she is on a roll and in the zone with the whole sleep deprivation and diaper thing.
d) she wants the kids closer together in age because they are more likely to interact with each other. ( keeping themselves busy by whaling on each other instead of mama.)
e) The longer she stays in pregnant mode, the longer she stays out of the job world. That may appeal to her on a bigger level than you realize.
f) who know, women when they get that baby crazed glazed over look are completely and utterly incomprehensible.
Being that I am in the wishing-for-#3- but- hubby-ain’t mode you can take your pick of A - F for my rationale.
You can keep her at bay with these words " But honey, if you get pregnant now, you will be hot, fat and sweaty in August when the baby comes. You don’t want to look like that do you?’"
(Naturally, you are a smart man and would never actually say those words to her face…)
Can we assume, Drastic, that you are neither a parent nor in a long term relationship? Because that’s the only excuse for a comment this nasty and clueless. Kingpengvin was far more patient in his reply to you than you deserve.
Remember, too, he’d have to keep the egg balanced on his feet at all times.
Hey, this is making those “egg-baby” things in middle school seem easy by comparison.
I was far, far too snarky; my apologies to kingpengvin.
I maintain that Cold Shoulder has zero place in a loving relationship, particularly not in shaking out mutual expectations and plans of if and when to have a child–or rather, my inner optimist maintains that, since he keeps insisting that people deserve better than that, and are better than that. (A clueless sort, undoubtedly, but my innards remain saddled with him.)
Nonetheless, that wasn’t the manner to express it, and a break in stressing at logistically-improbable work projects was certainly not the time.
kingpengvin, I’m glad I could help you, hon. Best of luck to you and your missus. 
Since you’ve known each other 17 years, I’m assuming neither you nor the Qveen is exactly a hatchling…
You do realize that there has been intense media focus on fertility decreasing as you age. She may feel that she is running out of time.
My kids are just turned 3 and just turned 4. Can’t imagine having any more. But I’m not one for babies anyway. A number of my girlfriends feel the need to at least think about having a new baby the moment the last one leaves the breast. (I think the views of their husbands are secondary to “baby hunger.”) If your “baby” is leaving babyhood, cruising through toddlerhood, and well on the way to being a preschooler, she may just feel she needs someone new to rock.
BTW, 3 and 4 years old is way easier than 2 and 3 was. If you don’t delay, get preganant tonight, the workload will be way down by the time the baby comes. And spacing your kids has its advantages (fewer in college at the same time comes to mind), but the closer they are in age, the more they will play together and do the same sorts of things at the same time.
Also keep in mind that just because the first two were easy to conceive, there are no guarantees in the fertility lottery.
And remember, with three you get minivan.
Ok so it was a pretty productive weekend. We talked and took the time to hear each other out. I understand her desire to have a child sooner rasther than later and I have to say the reasons were very good.
Some of the reasons were Age, the fact she doesn’t want too much of an age difference between the children so one feels isolated from the others, The chances she might not have another chance, with her career to have the year off to raise an infant. Plus a few others I won’t go into as more personal
I explained what I thought and felt and in the end we made a compromise. We would wait six months and then we’ll try well not exactly try but we would stop using contraceptives and see what happens.
Thanks for letting me sound off on this.
I’m glad it all worked out!
OK, completely unworthy question here, from a totally uninvolved outsider with no reason other than personal paranoia for asking -
Who is responsible for birth control in your house?
Just asking. Ignore if not applicable to your situation.
Regards,
Shodan
Glad it worked out. If I were you, though, I’d be a little troubled by how this talk and compromise didn’t come first, and that in the beginning it was a “this is how I want it and I don’t really care what you think” proposition with her. Maybe you two could agree to do the straightforward discussion thing first in the future, when important decisions like these need to be made? Maybe you could use this incident as an example of how not to handle these kinds of matters in the future?
I apologize if I’m being rude in saying this, but IMO it was the lack of open communication that was the cause of the dilemma described in your OP. Perhaps future problems can be avoided if you talked to her about this.
This may or may not be helpful, but here are my observations as number six of eight kids and as a father of four. Re: Age differences.
It’s been my experience that 2-2 1/2 years is an excellent age differential. Closer in age and they are virtually competitors. Not as big a deal when they’re babies/toddlers, but when they reach school age and have either the same classes at the same time, or follow each other only one grade level apart the younger tends to “inherit” any stigma attached to the older. If the older child was a good student then the younger, following so closely on their heels, will feel the pressure to be a good student as well. If the older was a troublemaker, that gets inherited too. With a two/three grade level difference there seems to be time for the teacher’s/school staff memories to fade a bit and they’re more likely to treat the younger as an individual.
Essentially you’re trying to balance the age difference so there isn’t a generation gap and they don’t understand each other, but so there isn’t direct competition(they’re both trying to accomplish the same things at the same time). Our kids seem to be doing well so far at between 20(the closest) and 30 months(the largest) gap ranges.
Enjoy,
Steven