[QUOTE=nd_n8]
Please allow me to be among the first to welcome you to the boards.
Whew, that’s quite an adventure you have going on there. Before I toss my two cents in please be aware that IANAT (I Am Not A Therapist) and as such any advice given by me, or by anybody else really, should be taken with the grains of salt due to any group of anonymous people on the net.
That said, yeah there seem to be some substance and abuse issues present in your description. Any time someone uses enough of a substance to pass out or black out then there could be issues. Abuse is another issue altogether. I like the nice, broad and simple definition of abuse as “Anything that violates the Golden Rule”.
“Treat others like you want to be treated.”
This rule has been argued and debated many times on this board and elsewhere, but I think it’s simple enough and basic enough to be a starting point. It is also important to note that although the phrase carries with it an association with religion, in and of itself it does not endorse or require belief in any particular system of faith (or in faith itself).
Another article I find usefull, although it carries more of a stigmatism due to association with religion, is the Serenity Prayer.
“God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference”
In both cases it is important to look beyond the religious overtones to see the underlying truth.
A third item is from a non-violence class I have taken (read - I was court ordered to take after committing an assult, and I’m damned glad I did):
“There is nothing another person can say or do to make me say or do something I know in my conscience is wrong.”
The summary of these three is to respect others’ and show them the respect that you want them to show you, understand that we can’t change others (you can’t change your sister’s boyfriend and you can’t change your sister) and accept them for who they are, and to understand that we alone are responsible for our own actions because we alone are accountable to our conscience; to our inner knowledge of right and wrong and the pangs of guilt that come from doing something we know is wrong.
Nobody makes us do things, we choose to do things. Nobody has control over us, we choose to give up control. But even if we choose to give up control we are still responsible for our own actions.
What worries me the most about your post is this:
You use the word “again” a lot. When these things keep happening to people like your sister and they refuse to see the problem then, although it’s frustrating and extremely dangerous, there’s not much you can do.
I don’t know why people stay in abusive relationships. Perhaps they feel trapped. Perhaps they feel somehow responsable. Perhaps they feel that they can “change” somebody, this abusive asshat can be reformed into a decent human being and it’s their job to do it.
Here’s the truth. People are only trapped when they want to be. There is nothing that says your sister has to stay. She can call the police, she can go to a shelter, I’m guessing she can move in with you if she needs to, as long as she gets some place safe. But until she sees there is a problem and gets fed up with it then she won’t do any of these things.
People are not, ever, responsible for another’s actions… ever. You did not cause him to drive off and violate his curfew, being molested does not cause him to make the choice to molest others, being cheated on does not cause him to feel the way he does, his parents divorce does not cause him to be the way he is. The truth is that he makes those choices on his own, no matter where he shifts the blame the bottom line is that only we are responsible for our choices. Curiously, none of these things needs to be true or false. They could all be true or he could be making all of them up, it doesn’t matter. Shifting the blame away from ourselves, turning the situation around to where “It’s not MY fault, it’s obviously somebody elses fault.” works the same for real and imaginary targets.
Unfortunately in an abusive situation the target is all too real. Your sister.
No matter what she may think, and I’m not assuming that this is what she is thinking, she cannot change this person. She cannot make him better. He is not “misunderstood”, he is abusive and only a trained professional can address that. He is abusive and only through the consequence of his actions will he even begin to see it. Although abusive people often blind themselves and justify their own actions with blame shifting toward others.
So here’s what I think, remember IANAT.
First remember that you are not alone, there are unfortunately thousands of loving family members going through the frustrations of watching someone they care about get hurt.
Second remember that your sister is not alone, this happens quite often pretty much everywhere.
Third remember the three items I mentioned before and share them with your sister, it could spark help.
And fourth, remember that you are not powerless. You cannot change someone who does not want to change, you cannot rescue someone who does not want to be rescued, but by God you can pick up the phone and give that person your unconditional and nonjudgemental support. You can pick up that phone when you think your sister is in danger and call the police. You can look around for victim advocates, abused women progams, names and locations of shelters, programs in your sisters area and share this information with your sister. At least find the location of a shelter near her and give it to her so she has a safe place to go when she wisens up and decides to seek safety.
If he threatens you over the phone, call the police. If you hear him being abusive, call the police. If your sister says he hits her, call the police. She might retract the claim, she might say “Oh, I fell, accidently, and hit my face on the coffee table about 30 times.” There is nothing you can do about that.
The bottom line is you have to do what is right. Not what is right for your sister or what society says is right. You have to do what is right for you. Help your sister. Communicate some of the things I have mentioned. But if she refuses your help, offer your love instead.
As I said, I am not a therapist, but I do have experience with these things. Good luck, I hope some of this helps.
[/QUOTE]
Thank you for welcoming me. I feel greatful for every response I’ve gotten, I hope everyone knows that.
The serenity prayer is nice, I like what I think it means. I don’t know how this prayer, or any prayer works, but I have definitely dug in and asked myself to accept things I cannot change, and I’ve asked the universe to help me accept things I cannot change, and it hasn’t worked. It’s hard to accept something you can’t wrap your mind around, something you can’t understand. I mean, for me anyway. I guess as much as I want her healthy, as much as I keep denying this, I also want to understand why she and other people do the sick things that they do.
I like what you said here: “Nobody makes us do things, we choose to do things. Nobody has control over us, we choose to give up control. But even if we choose to give up control we are still responsible for our own actions”
I wish there were some way you could magically make everyone read that and understand that.
“I don’t know why people stay in abusive relationships. Perhaps they feel trapped. Perhaps they feel somehow responsable. Perhaps they feel that they can “change” somebody, this abusive asshat can be reformed into a decent human being and it’s their job to do it.”
I would really like to understand that myself. Until I do, I’ll just have to assume something is wrong with their brains, the same way some people can’t see color. That sounds ridiculous, but it’s something.
Yeah, I definitely understand that she’s trapped because she wants to be. She’s financially able to leave and go anywhere, she’s been supporting him, not the other way around. She could have stopped it at anytime, and she hasn’t. Which is why I posted here, I was hopeful that I would read something and pass it along, something that would finally make her realize the situation for what it is, and help her to leave. Though, I’m reading some things that are helping me to realize things I’ve already been afraid of… like I am mostly powerless, destined to sit on the sidelines waiting for her to either accept what has been happening and make a change or else end up in a grave. It makes sense, though. You can’t force someone to change their life unless they want to. And clearly she doesn’t want to.
Still, it helps to read all of this. And it helps to be reminded that I’m not alone, so thank you for that.