Help the moron who's presiding over a wedding

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My brother-in-law and his fiance have asked me to be the officiant at their July 19 wedding. Because of how genuinely happy I am for the couple, I immediately agreed. Now, I’m beginning to sweat.

They seem to feel I am the ideal choice because a) they think I’m funny and I’m not afraid to talk to groups of people, b) I come cheap, c) I’ll look good in my old Navy uniform, and d) I’m gonna be there anyway.

A bit of background: They will be having a "legal"ceremony in June. Justice of the peace, two witnesses, marriage licence – to make everything all legal like. They want a “minimalist” wedding ceremony. The couple is non-conformist, but they want to have a “public” ceremony for their family and friends. BIL is a Jersey boy. BIL fiance is from Columbia and is a naturalized American citizen. Select family members and friends of the bride will be flying in for the ceremony.

The couple’s intentions: Have the ceremony in a non-demominational church in an historic village in N.J. The church has been reserved. They want the ceremony to be “not very religious.” They want me to afficiate in my choker whites. They will write and exchange their vows themselves. They want me to be pleasant and funny while still remaining reverent. They don’t wish to be bothered with the “details.”

My problems:

  1. I’ve never presided over a wedding.
  2. With the exception of the above intentions, the couple is extremely non-commital, wanting to leave the details to me.
  3. Several guests will speak/understand only Spanish.

Questions you can help me with:

  1. Has you ever done anything like this? Know of someone who’s done it and how they handled it?
  2. What is the minimum expected of a ceremony? Aside from the entrance, my comments about the couple, the vows, the ring exchange and the exit; what else should be included in the ceremony?
  3. Are you aware of any type of “script” that could be used as a jumping-off point?
  4. Is there any simple symbolic actions which should take place?
  5. How deferential do I need to be concerning the Spanish-only speakers (I don’t speak Spanish)?
  6. Should I insist on a rehearsal?

As I go through what I imagine the process to be of creating a ceremony, I will probably be adding other questions to this thread. Also, if you need amplification of the above, I will gladly provide it.

2

Oy.

I’m getting married in 10 days (HOLY SHIT) and we’re having a friend officiate. However, I wrote up (ie stole from the internet) the entire ceremony and our vows and sent it to him. He’s going to be fine with public speaking, and he’s funny also, so I told him if he wants to improvise or add some in-jokes I’d be okay with it. But considering he doesn’t DO this for a living, I felt it unfair to make him do all the work.

Basically I googled “secular wedding ceremonies” and found some websites with scripts. There’s a lot of crazy stuff out there, most of which didn’t fit our personalities & beliefs, but it at least gave me a starting point and some verbage that I could edit.

Once my ceremony has passed, I’d be happy to copy and paste the text for you. But it feels kind of superstitious to do it beforehand.

3

Sound good to me.
But I’d be interested in what you feel are neccessary parts of a ceremony which must be included.

4

I didn’t preside over my niece’s wedding, but I helped them devise a variant on the cord ceremony that suited them, wrote out the ceremonial bits of the judge’s lines and coached her on the ceremony, held the sword, provided the judge’s knife, bore the ring, and made the Maid of Honor’s broom.

Fortunately, it doesn’t sound like you’re being asked to handle such an elaborate production. If they’re writing the vows, your part should be mostly formulaic, except for your presumably witty, insightful, and–above all–brief comments on marriage and so forth. I wouldn’t add any symbolic elements to the ceremony. Processional, speech, vows, rings, kiss, and recessional should be plenty. There should be plenty of basic scripts online for you to start from–just cut out anything about cords, candles, and such.

For the Spanish-only speakers, there’s not really much you can do except speak slowly and clearly, with a few pauses. That will make it easier for the bilingual contingent to translate, if they wish to do so.

Definitely do a rehearsal. It doesn’t have to be a formal one, and it doesn’t have to be at the site, but get all of the active members of the wedding party (bride, groom, you, and the ringbearer, at least) and run through the ceremony. Make sure you have the vows straight, and that the ringbearer knows his cue. You don’t have to recite your speechifying, but give them the gist of what you plan to say to make sure they have no objections.

For the procession, post someone in the back with good organizational skills to make sure everyone enters in the right order. Give them a list with the marching order if you can.

5

Is there a wedding party? Will there be any readings? If so I do recommend having a rehearsal, since this will help clarify the flow of the ceremony and set people’s minds at ease about where and when they are supposed to do stuff.

As for the Spanish speakers, exactly how many are there? It might be a nice touch if you learned how to say “welcome” as well as how to introduce the bride and groom to the congregation after you pronounce them husband and wife.

6

Ah, okay. I think ours will be pretty short:

An introduction - kind of “we are gathered here to celebrate…” just a few sentences I’d say is all that’s necessary (although I admit looking at the file I actually have a few paragraphs!).

Vows

Exchange of the rings - we have a short bit about how the rings are a symbol of thus and such.

Pronouncement of marriage - I now pronounce you husband and wife!

I think if you get those covered, that’s really all you NEED, and you can add other readings, comments, whatever based on something that THEY might want.

I was recently reading a GQ thread on what constitutes the point in time you’re actually married, and it sounded like in some states there actually has to be a declaration of intent - I’m sure something like the vows publicly stated cover it, but you at least want to say something about the commitment being undertaken.

7

Hint: When the instructions say “You may kiss the bride”, it doesn’t mean YOU.

:wink:

A rehearsal might help you out as much as them. It definitely gives you a chance to ask questions about what they want as you walk through the process.

8

Thanks all for the input so far. You’re helping formulate in my mind what needs to happen. So at the sake of being redundant:

Balance – 1. Processional, speech, vows, rings, kiss - check. In line with what I was thinking.
2. Speaking slow for the Spanish speakers. Maybe a phrase or two of Spanish?
3. Rehearsal - I thought so.
4. **MrsChief ** helping in the back - check.

Sahara Tea – 1. Wedding party - I believe so. Dad to walk bride down aisle. I believe a maid of honor. No decision on best man. I want them to each have a rep, or neither have a rep. I think that’d be easiest.
2. Readings - I asked them about this. They said they really didn’t care one way or the other. I think I got them thinking, though. They may ask me to come up with at least a little something as her family is very Catholic.
3. Spanish – OOooo. Good idea. A brief welcome phrase in Spanish, then at the end introduce them in Spanish and English. (This is why you get paid the big bucks, right?!)

Scout1222 – 1. I’ll pop the pronouncement 'tween Balance’s kiss and recessional.
2. Legally speaking, they will have already been married, so I’m not too concerned about including intentions. But I probably should cram in something about the committment they’re undertaking.

Good stuff, all.
I’m probably gonna have to have a sitdown with the two of them in the very near future to bounce this stuff off them and hold their feet to the fire for decisions on wedding party, readings and the like, eh?

9

Yeah, I lumped the pronouncement into the “go-ahead for the kiss” part. Maybe I should have split it out, but I’ve pretty much always heard it as, “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

10

Signed up for a guest membership just to help you out with this. You’ve already received lots of good advice but I thought I’d chime in with a little as I’ve presided over quite a few ceremonies.

You will be nervous. No matter what you say or do beforehand, you will be nervous. After you get a script written out, practice a lot.

See the location before the rehearsal. Have someone with you who can help you judge how loud your voice needs to be to be heard way in the back. There always seems to be someone sitting there. Speak slowly and clearly unless you decide to do something just for the bride and groom.

Jokes and humor are great ways to put everyone at ease…especially you. Write a few and try them out prior.

Good luck and let me know if you need/want to see some stuff I’ve written in the past for all kinds of different ceremonies. I’ll be here for at least the next 30 days unless I can pry the lock off the wallet and finally pony up for a subscription instead of lurking around.

11

We just got married and had a friend (ULC certified) officiate. Our ceremony went: Introduction (Impressive Clergywoman), Readings (3), Declaration of Intent, Vows, Ring Exchange (both with small intro by Impressive Clergywoman), yay we’re married smooch.

Start to finish took about 15 minutes.

She had never officiated at a wedding before and most of the ceremony was cribbed from stuff we found on the internets, but she did write a bit of her own material. PM me if you’re interested in our ceremony/wording etc. I have everything but what she wrote herself in a PDF.

A rehearsal would definitely be helpful.

12

Sometime soon you might want to arrange for a laid-back discussion of possibilities with the three of you. After they’ve thought about it for a while, they might find they have more expectations than they realize now.

mr emilyforce and I got a dear friend ordained, and together we made up our ceremony, which was extremely informal and done in a park , but we still had a pretty conventional overall structure:

Procession (participants physically move to wherever the ceremony will be)
Convocation (welcome)
Invocation (good time for a reading)
Address (where you, the officiant, say a few appropriate words)
Consecration (not only whatever wave to religion they want, but also mention of how serious the commitment is, etc.)
Expression of Intent/Vows/Ring Exchange
Pronouncement (“y’all are married people now! woot!” with smooching)
Benediction (wrapping up, wishing the couple well)
Recession (reverse of Procession)

It took about half an hour. Then we all walked four or five blocks to a restaurant for the reception.

This conventional structure helped the wedding “feel like a wedding,” even to those guests who were initially skeptical of the idea and didn’t know what to make of us hippie kids. It also made it feel more, well, ceremonial; that had an unexpected emotional weight for us and the relatives. The fact that we had at least discussed each of these steps and had a defined place to conduct the ceremony – even though the place was just a spot on the lawn, rather than an altar or a gazebo or whatever – kept us from tripping all over each other and feeling lost. (On preview: what Rev. Bear said – you and they will be nervous and anything you can do to pre-empt having to *think *during the ceremony will help.)

Since then, our officiant – who had to be talked into doing this for us at first – has used this kind of planning to preside over six other weddings, including those of two of her brothers, and considers it a vital part of her life.

Good luck to you whatever you end up doing!

(Anyone who follows the link and wonders about the business with the rope: as our Benediction, we had our guests make a circle around us holding this rope; a dear friend tied a knot in it to make a closed loop, and everyone pulled it tight. We had some talk in there about how the support of friends and family is vital to a successful marriage.)

13

I’ve been awefully busy with “real” work today. Sorry, I’ve not responded sooner:

Rev. Bear – 1. Being nervous - I’m in public relations in my real life. I’m quite comfortable speaking to large groups of people. I will prepare and rehearse a script.
2. I’m very familiar with the chapel.
3. Aside from my looks, I’ll come up with something for the guests to laugh at.
4. If’n you (or anyone else!) could suggest a wedding-ey/husband and wifey-type passage or two from the Bible, I’d appreciate it. I think “generic” is what the couple has in mind if I do a reading.

mlerose – 1. Cribbing like a bastard, aye!
2. Rehearsal - check.

emilyforce – 1. Discussion - I’m holding the couple’s feet to the fire for meeting Sunday evening.
2. Conventional structure - Good, that.
3. Amateur officiant approval - I just may be able to pull this off! If’n it worked for her, it should work for me.

Another thought… will it be OK to remain “in-back-of/between” the couple for the duration of the ceremony? I don’t think I want to start there, run to a pulpit, run back, etc.

14

Boy, I would think so. Our officiant stayed put.

15

Scott, I don’t have any specifics here, but can say I understand why they asked you. You are very smart looking in your uniform, from personal observation, and brilliant and funny in your attitude and speech(Don’t want to embarrass the Chief, but his posts of yore here on this board are one of the reasons I joined way back then.) Sharp, witty, incisive, and steady.

No wonder they’ve asked you. My wedding experience at large is from photographing them. It can be a l’il hornets nest, which is why I don’t do that anymore. Definetely, do a rehersal. Also, request that they write the vows, not putting that on you.

Aside from general Spanish , ask for specific Columbian traditions, and include that.

I see you as flying with it and being excellent. Hope you’re wearing tie dye under the uniform, though… Delete Smiley.

16

elelle – 1. Thanks for the posting such nice things. I remember you fondly, too.
2. Columbian traditions - I’ll remember to ask the bride about these on Sunday. I convinced them both to sit down with me for a 1/2 hour then.
3. Mental note – Mentally do elelle… again.

17

CS ,

Generic quotes I use for non-denom ceremonies are along the lines of Ecclesiates 4: 9-12 (general and practical) and Song of Soloman 2: 10-13 (beautiful words). And you are one up on me…I still get nervous!

18

Thanks, Rev!
And now for my ubiquitous you’re-a-member-of-the-clergy,-so-you-may-find-this-joke-funny-'cause-no-one-else-appreciates-it-the-way-I-do joke:

Where does the reverand purchase his cassock?

At the surplis store! Ha!

(God, that gets me every time.)

19

Very good. I’ll share a quick one of my favorites too (pasted from a letter)…

One day Jesus’ secretary came into his office and said, “Sir, you should take some time off from all of your work. Get out and meet your people here. Have a good time.” Jesus thought a moment and decided to do just that. So he saved all his work on his Super Computer, shut it down, and went outside.
He had a great time as he walked down the golden streets, shaking hands and signing autographs, but along the way He heard the sound of rip, saw, rip, saw, and noticed sawdust coming from a window of a little shop on a side street. He walked down to the shop and went inside. There He found a bearded carpenter working so hard he was sweating, and the drops of perspiration were running down his face, and mixing with the sawdust.

In his rich melodious voice, Jesus said, “Sir, why are you laboring so hard? You should rest and enjoy yourself.” The old man said to Jesus, “Oh, no, please let me continue. You see, I had a son on Earth whose birth was a miracle. My son knew I was a carpenter, and my eyesight being what it is, I thought if he heard me working he would ‘find’ me.”

Jesus stared at the man, and his eyes started to mist. The man stared at Jesus, quizzically.

Jesus said, “Father…?”

The old man said,…“Pinocchio?”

Good Luck on the ceremony, CS and my best to the happy couple. Sounds like you will have no trouble at all.