Wedding advice needed

In My Humble Opinion
1

So DanielWithrow and I have decided to take the plunge. Hurray! We’d like to get married next spring, provided family and other circumstances cooperate. However, we’re both novices at wedding planning and it’s all a bit overwhelming.

Neither of us are particularly religious, and we’d prefer to have a secular ceremony. Our big question is, how do we find an officiant? Is it usual to interview several before settling on one? Can any Dopers who have experience in this help us?

Also, I’m happily taking all suggestions about how to stay sane during the planning process. We want a fun, low-key wedding, not a huge, stress-filled, tulle and drama nightmare.

2

Congratulations burundi! That’s wonderful news.

I’m afraid I can’t really help you with your first question.

The second one is easier. Just remember that the wedding is just one day, and that 5 years from now, no one except the two of you and your parents will remember it anyway. For everyone else, it’s just going to blur into all the other weddings that they’ve gone too.

So, keep remembering that it’s not the wedding day itself that’s really important, but the life you and Daniel lead afterwards. The wedding is just one day. Focus more, and spend more of your energy on the years that will follow.

Zev Steinhardt

3

Since I was married by a Baptist minister, I’ll just answer this one. When everyone starts chiming in with their suggestions on how you simply must do this or that, smile and say, “I’ll take that under advisement.” Then do whatever the hell you want to do anyway. There are absolutely no wedding traditions that are required for the wedding.

If you want to have a fairly intimate ceremony and to keep costs down, be sure you stay away from anything that says wedding in it. Hopefully, featherlou will chime in here soon since I believe it was her that was recently married.

**Remember that the marriage is far more important than the wedding. **Don’t forget about each other during the hustle and bustle of preparation. In the end, the wedding is just a big party. (Married since I was 20 to the same wonderful man - almost 9 years now)

Oh, and congrats!

4

Congrats! Weddings should be a special day, and planning one doesn’t have to be a nightmare.

Two of my friends just married and they were able to find a non-denominational minister. I have no idea how, but apparently they are out there. I would think interviewing them is okay. But I’ve no real experience to say one way or another.

As for keeping it low stress, I’ll just follow up with what Zev has said. It is really easy to get caught up in a bunch of details in the planning and want everything to be “just so”. That will lead to stress. Instead, don’t sweat the details. If you can’t decide between A and B, just pick one, and move on. Don’t spend energy and thought on those types of things, but instead just put the framework in place for a good time for all. If you are stress free and happy, I guarantee everyone around you will have an incredible time, regardless of whatever else goes on. It is your day. Enjoy it to the fullest.

5

We’ll have lots to say when we get back from our honeymoon!

UncleBill and Geobabe

6

If you’re going to get married in Ohio, I’ll be glad to perform the ceremony for you.

7

My advice is to sit down and think about the things you really want in your day. Make a list. Then stick to it. It can be so easy to get sidetracked and flipped out about what weddings are “supposed to” include, especially with people giving unsolicited advice and commentary.

I wanted a really simple wedding but I can recall having a panic attack about a “unity candle” a few weeks before the wedding. Was it bad that we weren’t having one? Should we have one? Didn’t everyone else have one? What a dumb thing to lose sleep over.

Having a simple wedding is great because it allows you to do things that other couples can’t. These days, most weddings are completely interchangeable and indistinguishable from one another. Yours won’t be.

I’ve got other ideas on a webpage I maintain. When I got married, I got miffed about how few resources there were on small, simple, elegant weddings. So I put a page together. Email me if you want the url.

8

Check out the book Bridal Bargains by Denise and Alan (?) Fields - not only will it help keep you under budget, but it has great tips for simplifying your wedding in the process. Even with a fairly traditional wedding and reception (church wedding, catered dinner, hall with a DJ, etc.), my husband and I kept the cost around $5000 for 100 guests.

As others suggested, nod and smile when others give their opinions - then just do what you want. If other people will have some say (parents paying for part of the wedding or otherwise being insufferable), figure out something that you’re willing to budge on, and let them handle it. They feel like they’re doing something important, and you get them off your backs.

9

We got married in a courthouse.

If you call your local courthouse, they will give you a list of names of judges willing to do weddings. You can then call their clerks. You’ll probably do most of your interviewing through their clerks, judges being pretty busy people.

Another other option is to look up your local Unitarian minister. Most Unitarian ministers are old pros at marrying people who “aren’t very religious” and don’t want a lot (or any) God in their wedding. You can expect the average Unitarian minister to be more touchy feely than the average judge. If the Unitarian minister can’t help, ask them to help you find someone who can.

You can also have a friend clip the “become a minister” coupon from the back of a comic book and send it into the state.

10

I just got married this past April and I had a very simple outdoor ceremony with a total of 13 people present… bride, groom, my daughter was flower girl, our son was ring bearer, our married couple friends were best man, matron of honor, our friend and his son were photographers/video takers, my parents and my husband’s parents, and, of course, the minister. Everyone that wasn’t invited to the ceremony was invited to the reception and it worked out great. We didn’t have tuxedo’s and ton’s of flowers, candles, and music to worry about. My husband wore a nice suit and I wore a simple white wedding dress. (I bought my dress at a store that specialized in formal/PROM dresses… cost me $45!!) The most expensive thing for us was the D.J., beer for the reception and the centerpieces for the tables. Our total cost was about $1,500.

Make a list of everything you two want for your wedding and reception. How many people to invite, what kind of food, what type of music, centerpieces, cake, etc. Call around about ministers. You can talk with them and find out if you’ll need any type of counseling before the marriage… some don’t require it. You could always try to find an Internet Ordained Minister to perform the ceremony too… or maybe have one of your friends/family become Internet Ordained so they can perform it… I think that would be neat!

Congratulations on the engagement. Don’t let the planning overwhelm you. Just take it one thing at a time and don’t sweat the small stuff!!

11

My husband and I got married in North Carolina and had a humanist “minister” from Chapel Hill officiate our ceremony (I’m assuming your location is current). We found him by emailing the people at the American Humanist Society (they have a website). They gave us names of people nearby who could help us out.

The man who did our ceremony is “Pal” Palmore. He’s a professor at UNC Chapel Hill (or was three years ago). Great guy - very friendly and looks a bit like Santa Claus. I don’t have his contact information anymore, but you may be able to find him. He charged a nominal fee and helped us write our ceremony.

We didn’t really interview anyone else, but we did lose a deposit to another officiant. She advertised herself as non-denominational. We went and met with her and discussed the ceremony. We paid the deposit and set up the date, etc. We had told her in the meeting that we’re atheists and wanted a non-religious ceremony. She gave us some sample ceremonies to take home and change to our liking. They all had references to God, but we combined a few and took the references out, then emailed it back to her (within about two days of our initial meeting - about 6 months before the wedding). She then refused to perform the ceremony without references to God and refused to give our deposit back. Very annoying.

Anyway, don’t stress and have fun. You know what’s important. All the rest is details.

12

In California, anyone can be appointed a “Deputy Commissioner of Marriages” for one wedding - I think it was something like a $30 fee. My husband and I were married by a close family friend, who has been my “other father” since I was born. I know you can do something similar in Massachusetts - I think the fee is $50 and you need a “proclamation” from the governor (routinely granted when you fill in the appropriate form). Check with whatever state you plan to be married in - it’s likely they have something similar. Personally, I find this more appropriate than mail-order ordinations.

The best wedding book we got was “Weddings for Dummies” - no joke. It had a lot of good advice about how to have the wedding you want, instead of the wedding the “wedding industry” wants you to have.

One nice thing about a nonreligious ceremony is that it’s usually easier to find a location where you can hold both the ceremony and the reception, which is logistically easier for everyone, and may also be cheaper, depending on the site you choose.

And the single most important tip for planning a wedding - don’t sweat the small stuff. Pick the things that are most important to you (for us, it was the ceremony and making sure that all the guests would be able to participate in everything and enjoy the day), and get someone else to make as many of the other decisions as you can. (I looked through the florist’s stock photos, picked three or four that I liked, and told them, “These are nice, but use your judgment. Use whatever flowers are in season that you think will work.” The flowers were absolutely exquisite - I bet they were prettier than the ones for weddings where the bride must control the exact variety of rose in every centerpiece).

13

I’m tempted to do this whenever I find that person who shalt become the Husband. I’d like to take off for Fiji one weekend, get married at one of the resorts there and then come back to the States and have a barbecue in the backyard. My parents agree, as long as they get to come to Fiji too. It’d be simple, but expensive, thanks to the Fiji thing. Or you could do something like taking off for Gretna Green one weekend and get married in full plaid, should you chose so.

14

lillalette, my sister’s former roommate is taking a cruise to the Bahamas and getting married. She invited anyone who wants to along, and gave a year notice. My sister and her husband have been saving up for the trip, which is in January. Another friend (of ours, not hers) is getting married during a trip to the Bahamas(?) in April. I think everyone will enjoy those better, and with friends along, it should be a great time for all.

15

I suggest that you use a Garden Weasel. And don’t be afraid to get down on your hands and knees and get dirty!

Oh, wait, that’s weeding advice. Oops …

16

Congrats, burundi! As a recent bride (July) who loved her wedding, I offer the following tips:

Keep it small. One of my wedding books (and I will send you the ones I have left if you like–just email me) pointed out that for every 30 guests you add, spending only 2 minutes with each one is an hour of time. If you have 90 guests (a small wedding these days), you will only be able to spend 2 minutes with each one at a 3 hour reception. Add to that number and you can see what craziness results. We had 26 guests at our wedding, so we got to really spend time with them. I highly recommend keeping the guest list as small as possible. Plus you are paying less–each guest can cost a ton. By keeping our list small, we were able to host everyone overnight at a lovely mountain lodge for our wedding. Accomodations, dinner, and breakfast was less than $3,000.

Think about what you and your husband to be really, really want. If pictures are important, put your money there. If live music matters, then hire the best you can afford.

See if you can barter gifts for services. I asked my poor but talented niece to do my flowers and decorations rather than buy me a gift. I paid for the supplies, but she supplied the labor as her gift to me. Her husband, an aspiring singer, sang at the wedding. Do you know anyone with talent?

My niece bought the roses she used at a grocery store and they were lovely. Honest. If you want several dozen, you just have to order them ahead of time. Half (or less) the price that a florist would charge for them. I like simple bouquets, and these looked great–cream roses and some small blue flower.

We made a few small gifts for our guests, rather than order crap with our name on it–sorry, I hate those things. The biggest hits were a CD of the nephew-in-law singing the song he sang at the wedding plus some favorites of ours and a small bag of this chocolate-toffee stuff I make. Specific to our wedding (Rick is British) was a silly British-to-Southern dictionary we wrote. People loved it. I don’t know if you two have anything you could write–how you met? family trees? meet the in-laws?–but if you could think of something, a mini book is pretty easy to do these days.

On the officiant question, the county courthouse directory person was able to give us the name of an official who came to our wedding and did the vows. We wrote our vows, so we told him all we wanted was a welcome, then to pronounce us after we were done. He was fine with that. I talked to him over the phone and then we met him 10 minutes before the ceremony, which was risky, but worked out fine.

Best of luck to you and your hubby to be. And trust me, you can stay sane.

17

Umph. I’ve got… one month and three days to go. Oh, boy (incipent panic attack sets in…)

Do you have any artsy friends? Can you operate a printer? Can you keep it small enough to just go to a restaurant afterwards, or have plates of cookies, or something?

Get something with a list of the normal wedding-planning stuff (most wedding magazines have them), cross off all the stuff you don’t want, and then relax. It is just a big party- or so I’ve heard. I’m not managing the stress-free thing too well here, but I think that’s just because I had two bridal showers on the same day during the weekend.

Never have two bridal showers on the same day.

18

[hijack] Cranky, you never told me about your wedding stuff!

<goes off pouting>
[/hijack]

19

It sounds like you want our wedding. Right around 30 people, ceremony in Jackson Square, reception at a nearby restarant, followed by whatever we feel like doing at the time. Simple dress I can wear for other special occasions. If people would just a)return my phone calls and b) give me a definite answer about coming down, I’d have almost no wedding stress at all.

As for your officiant, you can get one of your friends licensed (North Carolina is a really easy state for that), or you can email the nearest Unitarian minister, or you can find a judge. If you talk to someone who doesn’t really do it for you, talk to someone else. If you like the first person you try, there’s no real need to hunt around.

The best advice I can give you is to sit down with your fiance and make a list of the things that actually mean something to you. Spend your time, money, and energy on those things, and ignore the other stuff. If it has no meaning for you, you won’t miss it, so there’s no point fooling with it.

Secondly, never take wedding magazines or websites seriously. You can go to the websites to get ideas for stuff, or to laugh at the hysteria of others, but that’s it. You are allowed ONE bridal magazine every 2-3 months, solely for comic relief. If I catch you taking them seriously, I’ll drive over there and hit you over the head with them. :smiley: Fair enough?

20

Congratulations, burundi!

Deadly Accurate, you are indeed deadly accurate. Dread Pirate Jimbo and I were married in August of this year - three months yesterday :D. Here’s our wedding picture site, if you want to have a look. Our wedding was low-key and stress-free, too - I can’t imagine planning a big, fat wedding.

We had an officiant, too - got a list from the internet, and just started calling them. We met with the ones that were available and picked on that we felt a good vibe with - one of the ones I interviewed was way too pushy, and assumed that because I had met her that she would be doing the ceremony. I had to call and tell her she wasn’t - I shouldn’t have had to do that. We ended up writing our own ceremony, which was great. We wanted it more traditional that officiants normally do (they normally do the stuff required by law and not much more), and the lady we chose had no problem with that.

I had only a few regrets from our small (30 person) wedding; my dress just wasn’t right, and I just didn’t feel comfortable in it, and my shoes were painful, but I swear I looked at every pair of shoes in Calgary and couldn’t find anything better. Oh, as for shopping for wedding dresses, if you’re not a perfect size 8, be prepared to be very frustrated (to the point of tears, in my case) before you find what you’re looking for. I wish I had just had my dress made for me; it was very simple dress, but couldn’t be altered to fit me properly.

If you want more wedding advice, feel free to email me (featherlou@yahoo.com). I got plenty :).