The Mad Engineer and I are getting pretty serious now about marriage, and I’m thinking a lot more about planning the wedding. We’re mostly looking at dream places right now, but I’m curious about some more realistic options for having the wedding - specifically outdoor venues, preferably in south-ish New England (MA, CT, RI).
Anybody got any recommendations they wouldn’t mind sharing?
Advice/(horror) stories about wedding planning also welcome 
The main thing to keep in mind about wedding planning is that by your first anniversary, you probably won’t remember most of the piddly details like whether the napkins matched the flowers, and the guests will have forgotten a good 11.5 months before that. Don’t sweat all that crap. Instead, you and your sweetie each go someplace quiet to be alone and think about the things that really, really matter to each of you. Make a list. Make a second list of things that aren’t hugely important, but you’d rather like. Later on, sit down together and go through the lists. These are things to spend your time, energy and money on. Let the rest of it go, for the sake of your own sanity.
The second most important thing to remember is there is something about a wedding that makes previously kind, loving, and helpful friends and relatives become critical and obstructive thorns in your side. I don’t know why that is, but it seems like the simpler you try to keep things, the worse this phenomenon is. Simple yes-or-no questions turn into huge quagmires of debate, there are five million reasons your plans won’t work and you should do this that or the other instead, you name it. The most frustrating part is that, Og have mercy, they somehow think they’re helping. Do your best to overlook their behavior and fight the urge to bludgeon them death–after the wedding, the madness will pass, and the people you know and love will rejoin you.
The last thing to keep in mind is that bridal veils are an enormous rip-off. Anybody who can use a glue bottle and sew enough to put on a button can make even an elaborate crystal-studded veil for about 1/10 the price you’ll find it in the store.
Everything else is situational and dependent on the type of wedding you want to have, but those three things are constant.
Thanks for all the great advice!
I’m pretty laid back about the whole prospect, so far - I just want it to be nice and very simple - Guess that means I’m going to get lots of ‘help’, eh? :rolleyes:
And I’m pretty crafty, and am a pretty decent knitter, so was planning on making the veil already - there are so many pretty lacy patterns! 
I got married last August and had a great experience. We got married at the local zoo and it was fantastic. The ceremony had to be later in the day after the zoo closed so we did most of the pictures beforehand. Everything was set up for us when we got there and they had their own backup plan for bad weather. We just showed up and it was all done.
After the ceremony the guests could wander the zoo on their own before dinner and we did more pictures. The public was gone at that point so the guests could get a great view of everything. And how many people have wedding pictures with flamingos or bears?
The reception was in the indoor gardens and there was a enough room for everyone to mingle, explore, or dance. And again the zoo staff handled everything. I didn’t have to lift a finger.
I would recommend it to anyone.
I don’t know if there is a zoo around that area, but it is worthwhile to check that out.
Plan an alternative indoor location in case the weather doesn’t cooperate.
Helpful phrase for people offering wedding advice: “Thanks. We’ll certainly consider that”. Then, of course, you do whatever it is you were going to do in the first place (unless they’ve actually given you a good idea). You don’t have to use all the advice anyone gives you, but you don’t have to tell them you’re not going to follow their advice, either.
Don’t be one of those people who manages to turn every conversation you have with a friend, co-worker, or relative to a conversation about the wedding or what you’ve been doing to plan for it. People will think you are obsessed and boring if you do that. You should tell your friends and all that you’re getting married, but after that you probably shouldn’t bring up the topic of the wedding. If whoever you’re talking to wants to talk about the wedding, let them bring up the subject.
If you find some wedding custom is just not your thing, remember that you don’t have to do it. If the garter toss squicks you out, don’t do it. If you can’t stand the games at bridal showers, you don’t have to have a bridal shower, or you can turn down any offers of a shower except from someone who you know would be willing to listen to you on that.
There were three things we focused on when planning our wedding: the booze, the food, and the music. Those are usually the things I remember about weddings, and we wanted our guests to have a great time. So we splurged on those three things and tried not to get too hung up on everything else.
Don’t be afraid to pick and choose what traditions are important to you. There are no rules saying you have to provide favors for your guests or that you have to do a bouquet toss, no matter what the bridal mags tell you.
Speaking of bridal mags, huge waste of time. Use them for dress inspiration only.
Finally, the biggest headache I encountered while planning was tracking down guests who didn’t RSVP. You can help reduce last minute stress by keeping the guest list small and giving yourself a week or so to call people before the catering deadline. But there will always be people who don’t bother to RSVP for whatever reason, and it’s one of my biggest pet peeves now. :dubious:
All this. Pick what things are very important to you, and focus on those - ours was also the food, drink, and music. If there are things you don’t care so much about, or know you can do on your own better or for less money than paying someone to do it, then don’t be afraid to do it.
I got married in NH, and we got our cake here. Delicious, beautiful cakes, and in some cases they can make buttercream look like fondant, so you don’t have that layer of inedibleness. We brought in about 10 different pictures of cakes we liked different bits of, and some paint chips that matched the colors we wanted, and let the baker have at it - and it was awesome.
Realize that any decision you make about your wedding, no matter how minute, is going to tick somebody off. You can’t please all of the people all of the time. It’s just the way it is. But you will have to learn to pick your battles (this will be a useful skill in the subsequent marriage and in parenting, if that’s in your future). If having roses rather than carnations is really really important to your mom, you might want to let her win that one. But if having a particular wedding color is really important to you, stand your ground on that one.
Don’t include animals or children under 5 in your wedding ceremony. They’re too unpredictable and likely to make a scene (or a mess, in the case of the animals). A five year old can probably understand what’s going on and what he/she has to do, and might even enjoy doing it. A 2 or 3 year old is too young to be counted on to behave.
A story of a very young Mr. Neville at a wedding:
At one of his aunts’ weddings, they gave him some crayons to color with before the ceremony. They had to take the crayons away from him shortly before the ceremony. He was not happy with this. He marched up the aisle bawling and yelling “CRAYONS!”.
Make it easy for them to RSVP. Have an email address as well as a snail-mail address for RSVPs. Include RSVP cards and envelopes in the invitations. Address and stamp the RSVP envelopes.
Weddings seem full of ridiculous things that you just have to spend too much money on, but I think that favors take the cake. Of all the weddings I’ve been to, the only wedding favor I remember at all was the one that was just a nice wallet-sized picture of the couple in a little magnetic frame. It’s still on my fridge, I think. All the rest of it was just junk, as far as I’m concerned. No need for a favor at all, but if you feel you must have one, I recommend a photograph. People actually keep those.
And there I go giving specific advice. Bah!
If you’re not superstitious, have your photos taken before the ceremony. That means everybody’s hair and makeup is freshly done, as well as not making your guests sit around and wait between the ceremony and the reception.
I don’t much like wedding favors except ones you can eat, or a bottle of bubble solution to blow bubbles at the bride and groom (usually instead of throwing rice or birdseed). I don’t really need more junk in my house; I’ve got enough as is.
This site may not tell you what to do but it will give you a heck of a lot of advice on what NOT to do.
Congrats.
More agreeing from me. We gave tiny champagne bottles to most of the guests - the under-21 set got more age-appropriate stuff, but in general “stuff” tends to get lost or eventually thrown away, or just left at the tables.
A lot of charities will give scrolls that say “So & So gave a donation in your name to XYZ Charity”, to leave as a favor for each guest, if that’s something you’re interested in.
We did this almost exactly except ours was at a private (I mean, not city-owned, but open to the public) Aquarium on Eastern Long Island. They handled everything, we just showed up with photographer in tow. food, alcohol, rentals, even cake, all included. We had the joint to ourselves from closing (5pm) till midnight. We did our own music (Itunes playlists and nice speakers) and the staff had to drag people off the dance floor at closing – people raved about our music. A good tip I got, we asked for music requests on the RSVPs so everyone had a song they wanted to dance to.
I would recommend this route to anyone, and the price was actually extremely competitive - cheaper than most semi-traditional (vineyards, loft spaces, etc) that we looked at in fact, and loads less work. Plus people constantly tell us how much fun they had.
You can see a sample of my pics here:
I will say, my parents were completely resistant, they thought it was going to be totally rinky dink and ridiculous, but when it all actually went down, my mom kept gushing “I can’t believe how wonderful everything is!” at the wedding itself. So, if you get a good feeling, ignore the haters. Sometimes it can be hard for people to conceptualize a wedding that isn’t quite what they’re used to.
But more than any other single tip, I recommend checking out www.indiebride.com - that’s where I found my venue, my photographer, got ideas for making my own bouquet, got info on inexpensive invite options (we custom printed using an online printing service, cheap cheap cheap), got the song request idea, got moral support for dealing with family, figured out how to phrase the invites.. yeesh, pretty much everything!
My (now) wife and I rented a B&B for a weekend; a casual outdoor ceremony that segued directly into a family picnic-type-thing. I summarized it in a thread from last June, Unique and Strange Wedding Ideas (post #10).
If you’re having a small wedding, the Village Inn in Lenox is wonderful. We got married there at Christmas time in '06. It was beautiful; the food was excellent (Cheesecake for dessert for your wedding is AWESOME!!!); and everyone spent the night so there were no worries about driving home after the reception. And we all had breakfast together the next morning.
However, they only really have the inn’s living room as a site for the actual ceremony, and it can only hold probably 25. We had 18 people and there was plenty of room, but you’d have to go somewhere else for the ceremony if you wanted a big ceremony. The dining room would hold considerably more for a reception, though.
It also will make a nice place to go back to for an anniversary when we get the chance.
[QUOTE=Ludy]
I don’t know if there is a zoo around that area, but it is worthwhile to check that out.
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Definitely an idea to put on the list! 
[QUOTE=Anne Neville]
Plan an alternative indoor location in case the weather doesn’t cooperate.
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nods head I was hoping to get a location that has both indoor and outdoor options – plan B is to rent tents (I really don’t like tents, though).
[QUOTE=Anne Neville]
Helpful phrase for people offering wedding advice: “Thanks. We’ll certainly consider that”.
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I already know exactly the people I’ll be saying this to the most…
[QUOTE=Anne Neville]
If you find some wedding custom is just not your thing, remember that you don’t have to do it.
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[QUOTE=SaharaTea]
Don’t be afraid to pick and choose what traditions are important to you. There are no rules saying you have to provide favors for your guests or that you have to do a bouquet toss, no matter what the bridal mags tell you.
[/QUOTE]
Actually had a conversation about this with my little sister recently, about which traditions we like and which we don’t. Some I like, some I don’t, and some I like an altered version of – for example, I want both of my parents to walk me down the aisle.
[QUOTE=SaharaTea]
There were three things we focused on when planning our wedding: the booze, the food, and the music.
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In order of importance, I presume? 
[QUOTE=SaharaTea]
Speaking of bridal mags, huge waste of time. Use them for dress inspiration only.
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Hee, I don’t even need ‘em for that, I already know exactly what I want my dress to look like – Short Nina by Stephanie Allin
[QUOTE=SaharaTea]
Finally, the biggest headache I encountered while planning was tracking down guests who didn’t RSVP. You can help reduce last minute stress by keeping the guest list small and giving yourself a week or so to call people before the catering deadline. But there will always be people who don’t bother to RSVP for whatever reason, and it’s one of my biggest pet peeves now.
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[QUOTE=Anne Neville]
Make it easy for them to RSVP. Have an email address as well as a snail-mail address for RSVPs. Include RSVP cards and envelopes in the invitations. Address and stamp the RSVP envelopes.
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Hopefully I can prevent the former by utilizing the latter – I just know that I’m going to still have to chase people down, though. >.<
[QUOTE=badbadrubberpiggy]
I got married in NH, and we got our cake here. Delicious, beautiful cakes, and in some cases they can make buttercream look like fondant, so you don’t have that layer of inedibleness.
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What gorgeous and yummy looking cakes!
[QUOTE=iamthewalrus(:3=]
Weddings seem full of ridiculous things that you just have to spend too much money on, but I think that favors take the cake…No need for a favor at all, but if you feel you must have one, I recommend a photograph. People actually keep those.
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I was thinking of making the favors pull double duty as the table decorations – potted plants or flowers, something like that. If people don’t take them, well…I like plants
[QUOTE=Anne Neville]
If you’re not superstitious, have your photos taken before the ceremony. That means everybody’s hair and makeup is freshly done, as well as not making your guests sit around and wait between the ceremony and the reception.
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I’m not superstitious, but do want to have that big “Oh, wow!” moment of my groom seeing me in my dress for the first time.
[QUOTE=Foxy40]
This site may not tell you what to do but it will give you a heck of a lot of advice on what NOT to do.
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I love that site!
[QUOTE=Hello Again]
We did our own music (Itunes playlists and nice speakers)… A good tip I got, we asked for music requests on the RSVPs so everyone had a song they wanted to dance to…But more than any other single tip, I recommend checking out www.indiebride.com
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I like the idea for the music, and for the requests. Have breezed over indiebride, definitely gonna have to go through it in depth when I’ve got more time (i.e. am not at work).
[QUOTE=taxi78cab]
If you’re having a small wedding, the Village Inn in Lenox is wonderful.
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It looks very nice – Do they have any outdoor space to use, like a garden or lawn, or are the living and dining rooms pretty much it?
We did all this and we still had to chase people down. It really doesn’t matter how easy you make it, some people are just RSVP deadbeats.
I’m finding the website www.theknot.com to be fairly helpful in planning my wedding (coming up next April). It’s the sort of site where you take only what you want from it and ignore the rest. I’m browsing ideas and pictures of other people’s weddings, to see if anything catches my eye. I like their online guest list manager, and their checklists. There are also local messageboards where you can get some firsthand recommendations for vendors. Always good to get inside info on photographers and florists and everything.
There are lots of intimidating, seemingly filthy-rich Bridezillas on there, doing all sorts of over-the-top stuff, but I ignore them and seek out the girls who are making their own favors and that sort of thing. Not that the Straight Dope isn’t helpful for this stuff, but it’s nice to have a place to go where dozens of other women in your area are all planning a wedding and you can all share ideas and give heads-up about good or bad vendors, and complain together about how your mother is insisting you wear a veil when you don’t want one.
Congrats and good luck!
You should know that it is possible to say “no” to people selling you wedding services. If they try to tell you everybody has fondant on their cake when you want buttercream, you can insist on the buttercream. If a photographer tells you to take off your glasses, but you know you always look stoned or brain-dead in pictures of you taken without your glasses, you can say no. Some vendors will unfortunately take advantage of your lack of familiarity with wedding planning to try to upsell you on stuff. You can say no to them.
Remember: the marriage license is mandatory, the rest is optional. Your wedding can’t really be ruined by having something like an imperfect cake- you’re still married, even if your cake tasted like a 100-year-old mattress. Don’t let a vendor tell you that your wedding will be ruined if you don’t go along with them on something.
^^ true dat. I had a policy, if any vendor said to me “But YOU HAVE TO…” I immediately determined I would not hire them. Only work with people who make your life easier not with people who want to pressure you into doing a bunch of shit you don’t care about. I assure you, talent and good customer service are available at every price point.