Please... give me wedding advice!

In My Humble Opinion
1

OK, so I got engaged over New Year’s. Yes, Rubystreak is not going to be an old spinster lady with too many cats… she’s going to be an old married lady with too many cats.

Mike and I are not fancy people. At first we just wanted to run off to Vegas. This would not have pleased my dad, though, and he’s been really good to me, so I want to make him happy. Mike is in a similar situation. Both of our parents were in despair about us ever settling down, for good reason. I think they really want to throw a big shindig to celebrate this. My dad has told me that he’ll pay for whatever I want. I do NOT want to take advantage of his generosity too much, but he’s insisting, so here it is…

We’re having this wedding in my yard in July. I have 3 acres, we’ll get a tent, a JOP will come here and sign the paper, etc. I’m having a best man and so is he, as witnesses, and that’s it. No wedding party, no diamond engagement ring, no flowers, no dancing, no big dress, no tuxes, 'cause we hate all that stuff. We’re having a buffet with an open bar (because really, that’s what people remember-- the food and booze, IMO), then a bonfire. We’re hoping all our friends and family will get drunk off their asses and pass out on the lawn.

Areas of difficulty: how crazy is it to invite 150 people to your backyard wedding? We can easy get a tent big enough, but it seems like a lot of people, right? His parents had about 70 people to invite… that doesn’t count his friends, or any of my people. I mean, half of them are out of town and won’t come, but still. I have a ton of people from work I could invite, having trouble figuring out where to draw the line. Opinions? Just freakin’ invite everyone and say fuck it? Pare it down?

How do you indicate on the invitation that the wedding is casual, so not to dress up? Do you just come out and say it? My dad is paying for it, so he wants his name on the invite, we want to include his parents’ names too, but we don’t want people to get the wrong idea, wear fancy outfits and then find themselves more dressed up than the bride and groom. We’re not etiquette experts and we don’t really care about it all that much, we just want people to have fun and feel comfortable in freakin’ July in the yard, you know?

The ceremony is going to be like 5 minutes, with just the basic words. Do we have to do an aisle and the music and all that? We really hate all the wedding-stravaganza bullshit but if people want to watch it, we want them to be able to.

We have no clue about food yet, but it’ll be a buffet with lots of it We’re just going to call caterers and see whose food we like. For dessert, a small cake just for show and then a bunch of different small desserts, because no one eats wedding cake anyway, and we want pastries. We’ll get a bartender in here to serve the drinks during the dinner part.

What makes a good, useful wedding favor? We were jokingly saying we’d get Bic lighters with our names and dates on them-- useful, but tacky, right? How do you decorate so it’s low-key but nice? Do we even need to decorate, per se, or just make sure it looks decent all around?

I really have no clue about a dress. I want something simple. My future MIL thinks I should have a floor-length dress, but that’s going to be touching the grass, which is could be wet. Is tea-length appropriate? There will be no bridesmaids, so that won’t be an issue. If anyone has a dress idea for this kind of wedding, let me know. Mike is just going to get a suit that he likes and can wear again. The best men can wear whatever they already have-- maybe we’ll get them matching ties or something.

If anyone here has gotten married at home and has any tips, I’d love to have them. I am so totally clueless about weddings. I usually find other people’s weddings contrived, overblown productions, forcing all those involved to spend lots of money for one day, stressing out the bride and alienating the groom. We don’t want ours to be like that. We want it to be a big, fun party where people will remember that they had a good time and good food. I feel things already getting a little out of hand with the guest list, people giving me their opinions on how my dress needs to be, how we just HAVE to have a DJ and dancing, why aren’t we getting a minister (we’re bigtime agnostics), etc.

The marriage is what’s important to me-- not the wedding. We’re only doing the show so that we can celebrate the fact that we found each other… and to please our parents, who god knows have done plenty for us. So, advise away. I can use the objective, third-party perspectives.

2

Invite folks to a BBQ, and then whip out the marriage ceremony as a surprise bonus…

3

Awww… a wedding it sure does bring back the memories.

We even had some special Hobo Chili!

4

I’ve been to this sort of wedding before and it was super. The couple suggested that people bring tents and sleeping bags to crash out on the yard after everything and that seemed to work really well. Be advised that people may drive all over your lawn though.

On the invitation you should specify that dress is casual - anyone that’s really confused by that can phone and ask.

As it’s an outside wedding, bubbles and bubble wands with your names on them can be fun - then people can make bubbles which will look very pretty.

Make sure you splurge on a sound set-up of some sort - I think booze, food and MUSIC are at the top of most peoples “Things I remember” lists.

Finally, for the dress, I think Irish linen is beautiful for an outdoor wedding - it doesn’t matter if the hem gets a bit damp, it’s VERY weddingish, and it will be comfortable if it’s hot out - linen breaths really well.

5

I hate my lawn. People will be parking on the front acre and I’m OK with that. We actually have lots of space for it.

Can you actually say that? Do you know what specifically goes on the actual invitation? Do you put cards in from where you’re registered or does that get written somewhere?

We were thinking we’d program our iPod with the music list then hook it up to a PA system, and just have music we like, which is decidedly NOT wedding-y, playing while people are eating. We are going to be selfish about this part. We don’t like corny pop songs, we don’t like dancing (no, we’re not extras from Footloose, we’re rock fans), and we don’t want a dance floor. Think AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, Tom Waits, stuff like that. Hell, we don’t want the Wedding March either. I’m not sure how to handle THAT aspect of it.

Isn’t linen going to wrinkle up like crazy?

6

Thanks for that. :rolleyes: You’re probably trying to be funny. Maybe you work for the Wedding/Industrial Complex. Or maybe you’re the ghost of my dead mother telling me that getting married in the yard is rednecky and trying to make me feel bad about it. In any case, umm, thanks. I appreciate it a lot.

7

My advice to you is this: do what YOU want to do. This is your day.

When Hubby and I got married, we had decided to have a simple JOP ceremony at the court house. Hubby’s mother convinced us that we should be married in her beautiful church. Well that was fine and dandy, but if you’re getting married in a church, you need a nice dress and–oh! Flowers. You have to have flowers, right? And the guests . . . I mean if you’re going to all this trouble you might as well invite the extended family and you know that if Cousin Sara’s kids are invited but not Cousin Becky’s there will be problems . . . We said to hell with it all and went to the JOP as we had initially planned. We both have very happy memories of our wedding day and the small party that followed it.

If you want *150 *people there, invite them all, but don’t get bogged down in all the stress of inviting so-and-so out of obligation or worrying about seating Aunt Jenny near Cousin Beth because they don’t get along. Invite the people with whom you really want to share the day.

As for caterers: to tell you the truth, I’ve never had a good catered meal. The best have been merely decent and I’ve been to some pretty expensive weddings. If you’re going casual, why not hire some friends who are good cooks to grill steaks, chicken and burgers for your guests? Have mutiple grills set up, tables with side dishes and all the fixin’s and concentrate on having a good time.

8

Well, depending on who you ask, you’re not supposed to include any info as to where you’re registered anywhere in the invite - it’s like you’re trolling for gifts (which you’re obviously not, but that’s what the etiquette mavens say). So, what you CAN do, is include an insert with WEBSITE info, and set up an information Website with really specific details about the day, and the dress required and whatnot, and online RSVP - you’ll be more likely to get accurate numbers as people are more likely to be on the ball to RSVP online then to take the time to mail a RSVP card.

Great idea. You may want to throw the Chicken Dance on there just to apease those that are going to pout without it.

Irish linen is very heavy - if you get a floor length gown the weight of it will pull most of the wrinkles out, and it’s elegant and still casual and lovely for an outdoor summer wedding. I would get something maybe with a sweetheart neckline or a halter neckline - then if your hair is longish you could put a few twirls and curls, maybe put a bit of it up and you’ll look like Aphrodite.

As to the ceremony - you don’t need to march anywhere, or having a wedding march or anything of the sort. I was at one wedding where they had a “Wedding circle” and everyone stood around them and the JP who did a short (like 2 minute) ceremony, the swaped a ring and a necklace (she didn’t want a ring), said some vows and that was that. It was really nice, no muss, no fuss, everyone got to see the big moment and for the antsy in the crowd it was over quick.

9

Congratulations!
You’re getting married in JULY?!?!?!! You had better book your ice sculptor now!
Planning a wedding is like the final trails of a Jedi apprentice. You will be tempted to the dark side. Remember what you have learned, save you it can.

10

I am in the middle of planning a casual wedding as well and the one piece of advice I can give you is that the only part of a wedding that is required is signing the piece of paper. Everything else is optional. A cheap idea for a wedding dress is to get a bridesmaid dress in white (or cream, or really whatever colour you want).

IMO a wedding is all about the party, the only thing that changes between a couple the day before a wedding and the day after is a hangover.

Just make it fun, invite who you want to invite, do what you want to do, and most of all have fun.

11

alice_in_wonderland: I have to set up a website?!? Argh! I don’t know how to do it. Lots of our relatives probably do not even have the internet-- my dad and his friends do not. And you’re not supposed to tell people where you’re registered? Before the days of the Internet, how did people find out?

I agree, but our parents have these lists…

I said this to my dad-- he said NO WAY. He thinks it’s really tacky and rednecky and that we need to have hot food. He’s thinking baked ziti, you know, the typical stuff. I personally don’t care and would happily have a barbecue, and Mike’s family, well, they kind of ARE rednecks, so they won’t care. See, this is where it gets annoying for me. Sigh.

12

As to what should be written on the invite, this is sort of a good sample.

Papa Rubystreak

&

Momma and Papa Rubystreak’s Fiance

invite you to the nuptuals (wedding, gettin hitched)

of their children Rubystreak and Rubystreak Fiance

on Saturday, July 5, 2007

1:00 PM

123 Applewood lane.
Please RSVP by Friday, June 15, 2007.
and then on a separate insert you can put info directing people to your wedding website. It really makes life very easy for everyone - you because you don’t need to worry about how many bits of paper to incude with the invite, them because it gives all the info in an easy to find location.

13

ACK!

Ok, you don’t HAVE to set up a website - it’s just a fast and dirty way of getting the info out there - if you don’t have access to someone who can do it for you, no worries.

The way people get info on where your registered is they phone your aunt, or your sister, or your sister-in-law, or your best friend and ASK! The female relatives/friends of the bride are supposed to help out in that way. FWIW my best girlfriend got married in September and included no registry info and people still found out. Some folks may think that you FORGOT to include the info and you can just let them think that

In the invitation modify it to say

123 Crabtree Way for a garden wedding.
Attire is casual.

14

That sounds like an excellent wedding! And congratulations, to you and Mike and the too many cats!

I’m of the “freakin’ invite everyone and go from there” school of thought myself, and you sound very laid back about the whole thing, if they are 150 people you actually want at your wedding. One question to ask is where will 150 people park, and where will they use the bathroom? (I know there will be some drop-off, but plan for a worst case scenario in terms of numbers) Depending on the kind of neighborhood where you live, you might think about inviting the neighbors as a goodwill gesture if they will be impacted by the noise and traffic.

I would also go ahead and be upfront about the casual dress on the invitation, because the invite can and should certainly set the tone for the event. What kind of invitation are you planning (more traditional or more casual and fun)? A basic invite could say something along the lines of:

Please join
RubyDad
and Mike’sParents
to celebrate as
Mike and Ruby
exchange wedding vows and begin their lives together
(or however you would like to describe that)
Time, Date, Address
Kindly respond by Date XX
The ceremony and reception (or party, if you’d rather) *will be held at their home,
please dress casually to enjoy the yard and bonfire. *

Strictly speaking, the “rule” is that the invitation NOT contain information about where you are registered, but I see it nine times out of ten and I think a lot of people are even starting to expect it these days. It certainly makes life easier for me when I am invited to a wedding. If you include it, it should be on a smaller, separate card that simply says “Ruby and Mike are registered at Store Name, Store website.” Some stores will provide the cards when you register.

The invitation packet should contain the invitation, the registration card if you choose to go that route, and a response card and pre-stamped, addressed envelope to go back to you. You might also want to include a card with driving directions. If you go with the directions, that would be another opportunity to get down to brass tacks about the casual dress, but I would still include it on the invite itself because people will lose track of the direction card especially if they don’t need it because they already know where you live.

For the location of the actual ceremony, you should probably have a ground cover big enough for the couple, the JOP and the best man and whoever else you expect to be standing up. Depending on the set-up of your yard, you can have a runner going from your porch or your patio or whatever, so that if you wore a long dress it wouldn’t be touching the grass. This is really not as big of a deal as I am making it sound – the people you rent the tent from will probably have something along these lines. Then, after the ceremony, you could change into something shorter, which also sounds like a production but it’s a good way to have both, if that’s what you want.

The biggest issue for me with yard events always seems to be how level the ground is. Sure, it looks level when you are just hanging out in the yard, but I’ve been surprised by how UNlevel it can seem when I am trying to set up a bar. If some parts are more level than others, you’re going to want to use the most level areas for table set up for the food and bar and seating areas.

Wedding favors can be so weird, you know? I have come across a lot of stuff that is just plain crazy. My favorite favors are always consumables – like chocolate or other candy (that you would actually want to eat, which for me rules out the traditional candied almonds) – you can order it in small boxes if you want something to print your names on, or you can buy in bulk and break it up yourself. But I also like your lighter idea, it is useful.

As you are outside, I think looking decent would be fine in terms of decorating, and you can also add flowers and plants. Speaking of Bic lighters, one of my girlfriends had her wedding at her beach house, and she put sparklers in the flower arrangements and then people lit them in the evening when they started the bonfire on the beach, sort of instead of throwing rice. WARNING: we did not focus ahead of time on the fact that we were giving out both copious amounts of alcohol and things to light on fire, which was maybe not the best idea given our particular crowd but we had a blast and we didn’t have to call the fire department.

15

PortaPotties. Lots of 'em, if you’re going to have 150 people hanging around drinking for hours.

This is especially important if you have a septic tank.
I don’t know your ethnicity or where you live, but around here you can hire barbecue caterers – they show up with biiiiig portable grills. Good hot food, better than most catered stuff, assuming you like BBQ.

16

Check it out-- I have no aunts I have spoken to in years, no sister, and my best friend is a gay man who is a bear, so he couldn’t be more clueless about girl stuff. I am friends with my sister-in-law but I don’t think anyone will think to call her. My friends do not know her and Mike’s family sure doesn’t. Maybe they’ll just call his mom? She lives in CO, so she can’t really help me out with much of this stuff, sadly.

The sad thing is, I have none. My SIL and my future MIL are really it. None of my close female friends are married, except the one that eloped, and the one from last year whose wedding was a nightmare I’d not like to emulate. That’s why I’m asking for advice on the Intarwebs on a topic as personal as this. I know, woe is me, all that. At least I’m marrying the best guy in the world, so I’ll get what I want out of this no matter how it goes down. But still, it’s hard not to have women folks around here ask about this. Mostly it’s my work friends advising me (which is why they’re all invited, man, they have been helpful).

17

Do we really need a port-a-potty? 'Cause we do have a septic tank. Going to get that pumped the week before the wedding, for sure.

The only neighbor is my tenant, and I’m inviting him. I will encourage my friends to carpool. We figure we can fit about 20 cars on the property, maybe more, and about 20-30 on the road immediately adjacent (I live on a highway with big shoulders, and plenty of times I’ve seen tons of cars parked on it for various reasons). I don’t think 150 people are going to come to the wedding, but 100 might.

I would say casual and fun, but I have no idea what a casual, fun, but effective wedding invite really looks like. I should have been paying more attention all these years to what other people do, eh? I’m clueless.

That’s what I was thinking, put one of those cards in the invite. If it’s really tacky, then I won’t do it. Advise me.

Good tip-- I’ll ask the tent guy about this when I call him.

I thought of chocolates, but in July, wouldn’t they just melt? I hate those damn almonds, not going that route. You’re right about the pyromania with the lighters-- we had a couch-burning party last summer, so everyone will be expecting fire from us. I like the idea of lighters and sparklers-- that would be cool. I also like the bubbles idea.

18

Old school linen, yeah, but there are many Irish Linen (that’s a trademark, by the way) blends that don’t wrinkle so badly. Look for an Irish Linen/silk combo for very comfortable yet soft fabric that doesn’t wrinkle like traditional linen. Or you might like a sarong/wrap for a casual look that also looks elegant. Google beach wedding dress and see what strikes your fancy.

Bottom line to everything is Do What You Like. Do You Like to surprise people? Then surprise them! (I love the idea of springing a wedding on folks, but that might not be what you or your dad is looking for.) If you’re going so far as to throw dancing out the window, don’t worry about being “correct” on the invites. The invite sets the tone, and if it’s all formal and old school, that’s what people will expect for the event.

Mr. Rubystreak Sr proudly invites you to join in the celebration of
Rubystreak and Rubyguy’s
wedding
at a
Backyard Barbeque and Bonfire
Date
Time
Place
Casual dress, please!
Is it entirely stuffy and proper? No. But neither is your wedding, so who cares?

I really second Lissa’s grilling idea. Maybe even a catered barbeque or pig roast. In my experience, traditional catered wedding food doesn’t do well even in a climate controlled reception hall, much less outdoors. I’d go with outdoor-cookin’-and-eatin’ food.

Make sure you rent the side walls for your tent! Yes, we all hope it won’t rain. But…

The multi mini desert thing is very popular nowadays and shouldn’t raise any eyebrows at all. I personally love wedding cake, but I know I’m in the minority. But yes, do a little token cake that you can cut for the photos.

Decorations? Again, do what you like. My wedding was literally in the middle of the woods with about 80 people, followed by a huge six story bonfire with 2000 people (we were at a festival). A fallow field provided all the wildflowers we could pick (with the property owner’s permission, of course). My favorite memory is of each of the 30 or so women who attended the actual wedding taking me into the field beforehand and picking a flower for my bouquet. Each one gave me a little word of advice or love or just a hug along with the flower. By the end, I felt like the Queen of the World and had the most magnificent wildflower bouquet anyone ever carried. And I brought that high of love and acceptance with me to the altar.

A friend of mine just did a wedding similar to yours, and they used little clear glass bowls with a few river rocks at the bottom, filled with water and a floating candle on each table for centerpieces. It was gorgeous, albeit untraditional. Or there are flower shaped floating candles which might serve nicely.

If it’s going to go on after dark, consider tasking some older children with making and lighting luminaria along the path to the bonfire. It’s easy to do, but hard work, so can work off some of their jittery energy and look beautiful to boot. I find it best to make and place them out during daylight hours and then have a few people with longnose lighters light them starting about 1/2 an hour before dusk. There are these newish Bic lighters that simply rock for this purpose. Tip: use votives instead of tea lights, they burn much longer. Second tip: if it’s an all night shindig, place a second votive to the side of each bag, unlit. Someone can go light the second candle and drop it in the bag about 3 AM when they start going out. (No one ever knows where the damn candles went otherwise.)

By the way, I’m a legally Ordained Minister of Nothing Special; inter- and non-denominational weddings my specialty, and my fastest wedding was over in 5 minutes flat and had all the right people teary. Just sayin’, if you need any help in that department… :wink:

19

Whomever your best friend is, be it gay man, straight woman or bi-sexual unicorn, that’s the person to make sure has your registry info. Ditto for your dad - if you’re inviting a bunch of relatives, they’ll phone him to ask. Choose your best girlfriend from work and let her know too, and then your good. Same for your future MIL and SIL. They’ll get the calls from his side.

If worst comes to worst, people will phone and ask YOU which is perfectly ok too.

When I was planing Victoria’s wedding I got TONNES of calls about registry info which I happily passed on.

Regarding the invitation, if you want to be SUPER proper, only the invitation is to be included - NOT an RSVP card or stamped envelope or any of that stuff. People are expected to get a card, sit down and write you a nice note congratulate you on the wedding, indicate if they’re coming and who all is coming with them, and tell you how much they’re looking foward to it. They’re also expected to get an envelope, address it to you, put on a stamp and mail it. Of course, except possibly for me, nobody does this. So - throw the RSVP card in there with the envelope with the stamp if you feel that will make things easier for people.

20

Well, I think it’s really tacky. However, many people find me to be an insufferable snot-box, so you can probably get away with it. However, there will be at least ONE person on your guest list (probably more than one) who will find the card, shake his/her head, and post on Wedding Hell about it, so take that into account.