Help Me Find Wedding Planning Resources!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m getting married in August. I wanted a relaxed situation that was essentially a backyard BBQ in my fiance’s parents back yard, oh and a wedding. My fiance’s mom interpreted my relaxed attitude as permission to plan the whole thing herself and I’ve recently realized that that cannot happen. Her plans have included begging my sister to do an interpretive dance as part of the ceremony and wanting to knit a scarf for my fiance to wear as an ascot. In August. And wanting to get all the fake!! flowers for decorations at a thrift store. So far I’ve just been saying no to most things and yes to some things. But after 3 days in a row of phone calls with horrifying ideas I’ve snapped.

So I’m going to plan the ceremony start to finish. Of course I can’t tell her that she can’t do anything but I need to plan the ceremony, and the flowers. Does any one have any favorite website or book that was helpful in planning a nonreligious ceremony? Any tips or advice against pitfalls? And how to I not let my future MIL drive me crazy?

2

This might help. There’s also a very active site here and forum registration is free. Indiebride.com and The Knot are good resources, but the offbeat stuff will probably be more to your liking. Plenty of atheist, agnostic, neo-pagan and any other flavor of non-traditional brides you can think of there.

3

www.indiebride.com. Check out “vows” for ceremonies, “Family Matters” for approaches to the inlaw issue.

Run far, far away from The Knot, JMHO.

4

Sorry, the message boards are at:
kvetch.indiebride.com (they are down right now for maintenance.)

5

Thanks, guys! I’m feeling more pulled together today and looking forward to planning!

6

A site with many resources on what NOT to do:

http://www.etiquettehell.com/

My tips:

Learn something like the following: “Thank you for your suggestion. We’ll certainly consider that.” Then, of course, you do whatever it is you wanted to do, even if it’s not what they suggested. Don’t try to talk the person who suggests something outrageous out of it- it will lead to a long, possibly tense conversation that will accomplish nothing. Remember that, no matter what you do or don’t do, somebody won’t like the fact that you did X or didn’t do Y. You can’t satisfy all the people all of the time, and you just have to live with that.

Keep the ceremony short. Most of your guests would rather spend time at the reception than listening to a poem you wrote or watching an interpretive dance.

If you’re doing the wedding outdoors, have an indoor second-choice location lined up in case of bad weather, unless you’re somewhere like California where the weather is quite reliable.

If you’re doing an outdoor wedding and hot weather is likely, have coolers of bottled water available for the guests at the ceremony.

Don’t include any animals or children under age 5 in the ceremony. They won’t understand what’s going on, probably won’t particularly enjoy it, and can’t be counted on to behave in a nondisruptive fashion.

If you invite small children, have someplace (at the ceremony and reception) for people to take a crying child where the child won’t disturb the other guests.

If you’re not superstitious about doing so, do the photos before the ceremony. This lessens the chance that anybody’s hair, makeup, or clothes will be messed up by the time the photos are done, and eliminates that gap between the ceremony and reception when the guests don’t have anything to do. If you do have a pause between the ceremony and reception, make it as short as possible.

You don’t need to have a seating chart if you don’t want one. But do have enough chairs so that everybody can sit down if they want to.

7

Thank you, Anne, for your suggestions. I will certainly consider them. :slight_smile: No, really, thank you, I appreciate hearing some rational advice from someone thinking as a wedding guest rather than host.

It’s good to hear especially about keeping the ceremony short. That was my feeling but I keep getting suggestions from my soon to be MIL that would extend things, like the aforementioned dance routine and a song sang by an aunt. I want: walk to the deck flanked by my fiance’s cute (over the age of 5) nieces, a (brief) poem read (not written by) by my uncle, a few words from fiance’s BIL who’s doing the guy-who-marries-us thing, vows, smooch. Then let the food and drinking commence!

8

I thought interpretive dance was illegal in Minnesota? :smiley:

We got married in our living room last year. Short and sweet non-religious ceremony done by a friend who’s a Humanist celebrant. After the "I do"s, we went outside and had a picnic. No flowers, no band, no caterer, no singing.

A few months later, we had the showy ceremony for friends and family. Technically, it was a renewal of vows, again done by our Humanist friend. As simple as it was, it was still quite the thing to wrangle.

Nothing wrong with ascots. We both wore Victorian-styled tuxedos with silk ascots. But this was in December. I don’t think there’s such a thing as a knitted ascot - if it’s knitted, it’s a scarf. Save it for when you go to a Vikings game.

I’d rather go without flowers than endure plastic plants from thrift stores.

Are you having music? If so, where along the spectrum of “CDs and a boom-box” to “full band” will it be?

How many people are invited and expected to attend? This will bear on two particular points: Do you have lawn space to seat everyone, or will they need to stand through the ceremony? Standing is OK for a short garden (or living room!) ceremony, but it would not go over too well for a full Catholic ceremony. Other issue is food - are you planning to serve hors d’ouevres (buffet or waiter-passed?) or a full meal?

Poke me with questions - I’ve been in and helped plan tiny intimate ceremonies such as mine in the living room, or some friends in a forest, and have also had a hand in catering and feeding groups of ten on up to a couple hundred for a seated multi-course dinner.

9

You should be thinking about ways to make your guests comfortable and happy. A wedding isn’t just about the bride, or the bride and groom, or the wedding party- it’s also about the guests.

I think your idea will go over better. How many people really want to watch an interpretive dance? If you must have one (I’d recommend against it unless your sister really wants to do it), I’d have it at the beginning of the dancing at the reception, not as part of the ceremony. People are less of a captive audience during the reception- if they’re not interested in interpretive dance, they can eat, drink, or shmooze instead.

That brings up another point. Don’t pressure people into doing things for the wedding that they’re not comfortable doing. Don’t pressure a shy relative who hates public speaking into doing a reading. If the groom doesn’t like wearing a tuxedo, have the men wear suits (Mr. Neville and my father were both very relieved to hear that our wedding would not include tuxes). If a bridesmaid doesn’t want to wear makeup or have her hair styled a particular way, don’t try to force her to. If your aunt wants your sister to do an interpretive dance, but your sister doesn’t want to do it, don’t make her do it (does it seem odd to anybody else that the person who wants this interpretive dance is not the person who’d be doing it?).

10

Then that’s what you guys ought to do. One song might be a good bone to throw to hush MIL up and make her feel like you’re not just outright dismissing everything she says, but that’s entirely up to you. It might make things a bit smoother. Hold the line on the interpretive dance, though. No amount of peace in your relations with her is worth that.

One thing I should warn you about, though. The simpler you try to keep things, the more inclined people are to piss, moan, bitch, and suggest ridiculous stuff that makes you wonder if they’ve ever met you. I don’t know why that is, but it’s true. And the real bitch of it is, they somehow think they’re helping. Some of them even get pissy that you don’t appreciate all the work they’re trying to do for you. It’s enough to make you want to manufacture a few hissy fits so they’ll back the hell off. I don’t recommend that route, but it is awfully tempting.

11

gotpasswords, your ceremony sounds like what I’m aiming for! To answer your questions:

There is no such thing as a knitted ascot. It would have been a short scarf with a hole in it to pass one end through. It fact she has about a dozen similar, one of which she gave to my mom at the shower Saturday- it was unseasonably cold. At the shower it was mentioned that she wanted him to wear one like it an the general consensus was ???

And, yeah, NO plastic flowers. Don’t get me wrong, fake flowers are fine and great for brightening up a corner in a home that gets too little natural light for a plant. But it’ll be August, the Farmers Markets will be in full swing and I think we’ll be able to get a ton of fresh flowers that day for less than $50 to fill heavy vases on the ground. Flowers: taken care of.

Music is on the iPod hooked to a small stereo spectrum. No dollars for dances, maaaaaybe a couples dance, maybe not. No garter! The discussion of the dollars for dances and the garter thing inspired SO and I to joke about having a whole theme of white slavery. But we’re sickos like that.

About 100 people have been invited, and they have a large backyard that has accommodated that many in the past. They also have a huge kitchen/dining/living area that would less comfortably but acceptably work in inclement weather.

Food is a gyro spit, hummus and pita, tabbouli, other salads and chips, and some grilled things. Your typical backyard BBQ. A keg or cans of beer, Charles Shaw wine, and enough cheap champagne to toast and for me to get girl drink drunk. (I know not to drink too much, though, believe me!)

I will PM you with stuff later if you don’t mind. It might be nice to have someone totally impartial to bounce things off of. And I promise not to dump my frustrations on you!

Also, another thing that is going on is that my boyfriend’s cousin is getting married that next weekend and is having a very elaborate, expensive, cake on every table ceremony that I think is making my to-be MIL feel like there’s some sort of competition. But, I think, which will be more genuinely fun- a backyard BBQ or a fancy church and reception hall? Hopefully the former, and that’s what’s most important to me. I should tell her that.

12

A) I just want to say your wedding plans sound AWESOME. I am digging the gyro spit big time.

B) Weddings bring out the best and worst in people. Best, when people are so helpful and understanding in ways you never expected (like my grandma who told me to elope if things got too stressful, LOL, or my often-inappropriate cousin who was soooo sweet and totally appropriate). Worst in that you will hear things come out of people’s mouths that you never ever expected. (like when my mother - the onetime bra-burning feminist insisted to the point of yelling at me that I wear high heels and I refused, we had a screaming fight in the middle of Macy’s. I wore embroidered Sketchers sneakers, which no one could see anyway, under my floor length gown.)

C) We did ITunes+speakers at our wedding and it turned out great. We asked for a song request on our RSVP cards (and accomodated every request we were able to find) so there was no need to take requests or fiddle with it once the shindig began. People were up & dancing all night and definitely got excited to hear “their” song.

D) DON’T plan international travel for the same day as or even the day after your wedding. When the adrenalin wears off you will be SO exhausted it isn’t even funny.

E) We skipped all the stupid ceremonies like garter, bouquet toss, etc. Not only was no one upset, several guests actually took the time to thank me for skipping them!

13

I love this advice! I hate that long break between the ceremony and reception.

14

I keep kosher, so I wouldn’t be able to have gyros, but I’d love the hummus, pita, and tabouli. Do make sure that your guests’ special dietary needs, if any, are taken care of. You’ll have some vegetarian food, so you’re probably at least 75% of the way there on that.

We left out the bouquet toss and garter toss. Nobody seemed to mind.

We also left out the “feeding each other cake” bit. I think everybody should leave out the “smashing cake in each other’s faces” that is an unfortunate part of too many weddings these days. I first heard about that when I was about seven, and remember thinking that I was too mature to do a thing like that even then.

15

Thanks! The gyro spit was actually a concern because it has to be attended by a person pretty much constantly. I thought it would be better to do slices, but every single man- family and friends- that we told stepped up to do a shift at the gyro spit.

And in me, too, I’m finding. When I realized that we had screwed up the invitations and they had the wrong date on them I was at work. I lost it. I would up crying on the shoulder of a very sweet and understanding co-worker. There I was acting like the worst thing that could possibly happen to someone was a mistake on a wedding invitation- to a woman who not two weeks before had lost her sister to pancreatic cancer. shame

LOVE this! I think I’ll have to add the song request as an option on our wedding website.

And we’re not actually doing a honeymoon until maybe springtime. We can’t really afford it, plus I don’t want to plan a wedding AND a vacation.

I agree with this, I don’t want anyone doing anything they don’t want to. For some reason all our friends are on the shy side so we’ll have to get someone to do toasts and the like, but I intend to stress that they certainly do not have to if they don’t want to. And no tuxes! Actually, no wedding party, either. Pretty dress and heels for me, shirt, slacks, and Chuck Taylor high tops in the complementing color for him.

Excellent suggestion, and something I wouldn’t have thought of myself. I’ll put it in the working outline. Those tertiary details are things I’m usually oblivious to!

My sister is vegan and I always see her so sad that there’s nothing for her to eat. I’m sure we’ll have few vegetarians, but I want everyone to be able to have something substantive.

16

You should know: you can say no to people you’ve hired to help with the wedding. You can say no to the photographer who asks you to take off your glasses, if you know that you look stoned or brain-dead in pictures of you taken without your glasses. I wish I had- none of the pictures of me without my glasses turned out well, and I knew when he was taking them that they wouldn’t, but I went along with him anyway. Some vendors will try to push stuff on you that you don’t want, or upsell you on stuff. Except for the marriage license and some people to sign it, everything that you have or do at a wedding is optional. As long as you have the marriage license, you’ll still be married, even if you don’t do something that “everybody does” at their wedding.

Research the requirements for a marriage license in the state where you are getting married before you go to get one:

Know where you have to go to get one, and what days and times they are open.

Know if both of you have to go to get it, or just one of you.

Especially if one of you is widowed or divorced, know what paperwork you’ll need to take with you.

Know if you need a blood test or a physical. A few states still require something like this.

Know how much money you’ll need for fees. You may need to have cash for this.

Know how far in advance of the wedding you have to get the license (some states have waiting periods, some don’t). You may or may not be able to get your marriage license on Friday and get married on Saturday, depending on your state.

Marriage licenses are valid for a certain amount of time (that varies by state) after they are issued.

17

Thanks for that! We need to get on it ASAP.

Oh, and thanks to those who recommended the Indie Bride website. I am rubbernecking like crazy- compared to, like, everyone on that site I have no problems at all!

18

Are you paying for the beer and wine, or are you having a cash bar? If it’s the latter, make sure the guests know about it beforehand, so the ones who will want alcohol know to bring cash. If you do have a cash bar, don’t charge guests for soft drinks- that’s just being cheap.

19

Oh, the date is one thing. I had a co-worker who had a meltdown on the job because the ink on her paper cocktail napkins wasn’t the same shade as the ink on her invitations.

We had a friend offer to take pictures at the reception, which we accepted, but hired somebody to take pictures during the ceremony. Saved us money and got the professional “money shots,” but got many nice party pictures.

20

It’s good that you asked in advance. It’s a problem if you try to rope guests into helping with something after they get to the reception. It can cause resentment if you spring it on somebody at the last minute that you need them to do something to help. It’s one thing if something comes up at the last minute, but if you’re planning in advance to have someone help with something, they should know that you’re planning on them to help before they come to the wedding.

That’s a great thing about the Etiquette Hell site. If you’ve done something you’re not proud of (and everybody planning a wedding does something like that at least once), you can go to that site and read stories about people who’ve done something far worse than whatever it was you did. It can make you feel better about yourself.