Help! There's a gorgeous woman after me!(bit long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

i’m looking for some advice from minds wiser than mine here.

i’ll try and explain…

Woman X used to live with my best friend (Woman Y) when they were at uni and is one of Y’s best mates in the entire world. At a party during our final year (2001) i properly talked to her for the first time.

At the party she started to talk to me - normally i’m very shy, a terrible socialiser and an awful “face to face” conversationalist. Women get bored and wander away quickly (even when i’m actually trying). :rolleyes:

BUT

she managed to catch me at that “perfect” (and incredibly rare) stage of drunkenness - the one where you are drunk enough (at least in my case) to be quite social and be talkative and reasonably entertaining and funny but not drunk enough to start talking (and acting) like a twat.

Anyway, nice night is had by all we talk to each other a lot - she even manages to get me onto the dance floor at one point. Eventually people drift home at various times - i’m one of the last to leave and so is she (at this point we’ve been getting chummy for hours) - and she smiles and asks whether i wan’t to go with her in the taxi

i declined since i didn’t live that far away and fancied walking back and clearing my head a bit with the fresh air. I remember being really confused at the time - because her house was in completely the wrong direction for me so why the hell would she want to have her cab go out of the way to drop me off?? :smack:

Anyway, from then on we’d always chat at parties, we met for lunch at the pub a couple of times - it was cool, we were mates etc. :slight_smile:

Then one day she rang me up and asked me out. :eek:

which i had completely not seen coming and took me totally off guard. I’m completely crap with women and at reading them - and i don’t mean just “bad” i mean that my women-dealing-with abilities are less than zero (which i really hate).

now don’t get me wrong - she’s the same age as me (22) and is a VERY VERY pretty woman, but not my type at all - she’s very girly girl and whilst she’s quite bright, she’s not really her own person (whereas individuality etc. is what i find most attractive in women) - very much a socialite and happy to be a sheep or told what to do - the kind of girl who would normally be found dating members of the football or rugby team as a "trophy"girlfriend. If this was an American teen flick, she wouldn’t be the Leader of the cheerleaders but she would be the non-bitchy one who is second in charge. :smiley:

Anyway somehow i managed to say “no” in a way that was not completely horrible (i earnt a grudging nine out of ten from Woman Y) and after a brief “not talking too much” period we are still friends - i’ve helped her out when she’s had problems and i’ve always been quite happy to play the “listener” role when shes just needed someone to vent to.

The problem is that despite knowing that i’m not interesting she still (according to Y) REALLY likes me - and is on a semi-mission to “get” me (and won’t be deterred). whilst she is still having fun and doing the non-serious shagging stuff with her usual types of guy, i have officially been designated “proper serious boyfriend” target, and have been for about six to eight months.

Which means that at any occasion when we both happen to be there - i get zoomed in on. and as well as the good conversations, having a laugh etc. etc. i also recieve the full on flirting, and gratuitous “oops i’ve dropped my purse i’ll just bend over right in front of you to pick it up” stuff. Which obviously increases as she gets drunk.

Now this is a situation that i’m just not equipped to deal with since stuff like that just doesn’t happen to me - ever. Women don’t talk to me or flirt with me - they ignore me or (at best) want me to be “just a mate”. I’m a complete geek for chrissake!

So when this all happens, according to my mates i look like a deer dazzled by headlights!

Now don’t get me wrong - its very flattering, and i can’t deny that i certainly enjoy the attention - i’ve never known anyone who’s liked me that much before, and thats certainly nice. plus i’ve jumped up in the opinion of my (male) friends. In the words of one of them:

“i’d sell my soul to satan just to smell her underwear let alone shag 'er!”

(yes he actually said that. :rolleyes:)

and they can’t understand why i’m not seizing this opportunity.

and don’t get me wrong - if it was just the casual shag thing that she was after then wild horses wouldn’t keep me away but i KNOW that she is after something more than that, and i KNOW that i could never have anything more than that with her. At the end of the day, i could be a complete bastard and just use her but:

  1. I’d hate myself for doing it
  2. Shes my best friend’s best friend - talk about complicated if things go wrong…
  3. She’s MY friend too - and i know it would really, really kill her - so i couldn’t ever do that to her.

So i’m left with a situation which is certainly flattering (although i seriously can’t work out why for the life of me anyone - particualrly someone like her - would really want me that badly!) - but is both annoying and very dangerous (she is a very good looking girl, and it would be so easy one day when i’ve drunk too much and have been egged on a bit by the guys to give in…).

sigh

I don’t know what to do.

Help :confused:

2

:smack:

:smack:

Damn it MAN!!! You are 22 years old and have a beautiful woman after you!!! Have some fun, don’t be rude, and for Gods Sake!!!

LIVE A LITTLE!
When I

3

It sounds to me like you’re waiting for yourself to give in. I think if you truly had zero intentions of hooking up with her, you’d have sat her down by now and had a second “sorry but no” talk. As it is, it seems like you’re indulging in her attention.

On the one hand I think it’s noble of you to resist, but on the other hand I think it’s a waste of potential and a little cowardly. Who knows… if you spend a year going out, she may grow into herself and become more suited to your taste.

So, here’s my advice: Give in, but make your concerns and terms clear for her and ask her if this is something she really wants to try.

4

Oh yeah–Good luck, you lucky bastard. :smiley:

5

excuse me…

When I met Mrs.Phlosphr I was struck by her beauty and slightly intimidated. But she’s a smartie and doesn’t put up with any crap, I love that about her. Guess what… we’ve been married for 6 years and just bought our dream home. Kids are on the way and as the world terms I took a chance to get to know the girl who I was sooo attracted to… And now I have zero regrets…
Just have some fun man…

6

“See, those are the kind of problems you want to have.”
–Tom Servo

I have been in a similar position. I am almost pathologically non-social. A neurologist once diagnosed me with Asperger’s Syndrome (which is either its own disease or a special form of high-functional autism), and I can’t say he’s far wrong. I was one pursued by a woman, and it scared me to death. The bizarre circumstances didn’t help: She would sit close to me, when it was obvious she had a choice of where to sit, and then … nothing. I’d take off my headphones and turn off my walkman, in fact make a point of doing such things, but she wouldn’t engage me in conversation. I have rather severe speech problems, especially when stressed (and I could have shat a cow), so I didn’t start a conversation, either. It was the kind of relationship' a pair of tards’ on a stupid comedy show would have. (Stupid-insensitive, not stupid-funny.)

Then she started talking with me. I was actually relieved: Finally I was dealing with someone potentially knowable, not a silent enigma. The conversation bombed worse than a John Travolta movie written by L. Ron Hubbard, directed by Ed Wood, and co-starring Gilbert Gottfried. It went over worse than a Jesse Jackson speech at a Klan rally. I can talk to people despite my handicap, but I couldn’t talk to her. She got the idea after what seemed like hours of halting, meaningless small talk.

I haven’t seen her since. I’ve been much relieved.

Now that I’ve presented my Painfully Asocial Credentials, I think I can give you some advice: Try it. Do as much as you can with the relationship without straining your personality or hers. Even if it’s as painful as mine was, you’ll survive, and we’ll all be here to help. Let I daren't' wait upon I shall’ and take a risk.

It helps me to go through the Worst-Case Scenario and Best-Case Scenario:[ul][li]Worst-Case: What happened to me. You waste an evening (probably less, given that one or both of you would leave pretty quickly) and you find out, once and for all, that she is Not Your Type. Nor are you hers. You both move on a little wiser.[/li]Best-Case: You really hit it off. You’re wrong about her not being your type, and she learns that she was pursuing the right guy. You form a lasting relationship and you get over your social phobia.[/ul]I think it’s worth it to try.

7

garius that does indeed sound complicated. I once caused a similar situation except that X would be my best girlfriend and Y her newly exboyfriend. The three of us were really tight for years so that when the two of them broke up I tried to get with him. Now, I’ve never been a great looker, but am beautiful to the people that know me (or so I’m told.) He turned me down flat, but I kept trying (I was 21 at the time) and the two of us still hung out. Then one day I got bored, found some one else and stopped tormenting the poor guy. We were friends for a long time after that and my best girlfriend is still my best girlfriend.

So I guess my advice would be to enjoy her company, do your best to be her friend and she’ll eventually figure it out. Of course you could set up a bed buddy relationship, those are always fun. The trick to that is making sure that nobody is getting more serious than the other. Bed buddies should strictly be friends having fun together and nothing more.

8

What a refreshing young man you are! A beam of sunlight in a gloomy day. You keep your morals and convictions and do things ‘your way’ since you are the one that has to face yourself in the mirror every morning.

9

yeah i know i’m being cowardly etc.

i just feel a bit…

<Dustin Hoffman>

“Mrs Robinson - Are you trying to seduce me?”

</Dustin Hoffman>

Which i haven’t felt like since i was sixteen. :rolleyes:

10

You could maybe find her a date? Somebody on the football or rugby team, perhaps?

There does exist the dim possibility that, if she’s so completely wrong about her perceptions of you as potential boyfriend, maybe there’s a chance that you’re completely wrong about her potential, too…

You could tell her you’re gay. Or start seeming to date Woman Y. On second thought, scrap those. Way too Movie of the Week.

Find something she really, really, really hates, and start doing that.

Go out with her and Woman Y as chaperone and be just stupifyingly boring.

Or, as an absolute last resort, you could try talking. Have you tried reminding her of your reasons why you’re not interested in dating her? She may have blown them off for some reason, or is choosing to forget them.

11

I recommend stretching exercises, at least 45 minutes per day, for the hamstring muscles especially, for the inevitable day when you look back at this episode and feel an overwhelming urge to kick your own butt vigorously around the block a couple of times.

12

She is an amazing person - i really enjoy her company and i always have a great time with her. She’s a lot deeper than most people give her credit for - they just assume shes a full on cheerleader-type and don’t actually bother talking to her and finding the mind and personailty underneath. Blokes just seem to see her as a piece of meet and thats just wrong.

But i can’t really see her wanting to show me off (or me wanting to hang out) with her other mates outside of our mutual circle (who are very much of the rugby “YEAH HAHA FAKE BOOBIES! LETS DRINK LOADS AND STRIP!” variety.)

Plus i get the feeling that i could really wrap her round my little finger - get meals cooked, get my washing done, get her to pay for things (she’s quite well off) etc. Which is not a good thing.

But then again she is really gorgeous…

Aaaaaaargh - i don’t know. Maybe i’m thinking too negative about this. I just don’t want to hurt her (or my friend).

13

I just read this and thought it said “move on to her little sister.”

Yikes.

14

I say go for it.

Worst thing that happens is after a few months everything goes utterly horribly wrong. She starts stalking you, kill a few of your friends while the rest of your mates hide from you so they won’t be killed next. Then she manages to get herself pregnant on some sperm she kept cryogenically stored only to be shot dead by the cops a few weeks after telling you it’s your child when the cops catch her gnawing on the severed arm of your mother.

But seriously:

It seems to me that you’ve found someone you’re very interested in, but lacks something that you really value in a woman. You’ve got the option of dating her and trying to encourage her independence and see if that will help things, or date her and find out if that really matters in the long run.

I’d say trust your instincts on this. You’ve got some vibe from her that is keeping you from jumping her, literally and figuratively. Try to find out what it is.

15

Maybe she wants to date you because you don’t see/treat her the way every other guy does.

Why don’t you ask her what she sees in you?

16

I get the feeling from reading this that your main problem is that you have a low self esteem, and you are letting this get in the way of having a real relationship with someone. I had a similar problem once, almost identical, really. A gorgeous girl was interested in me, but she was a really good friend, and my poor self-esteem didn’t let me understand what she saw in me. I loved having her as a friend, and I didn’t want to ruin that by getting involved with her romantically. Eventually, I took the chance anyway. We’re still together, married, and very much in love, eight and a half years later.

17

At 22, I don’t think anyone really expects you to settle down and get married, or even to be dating the person with whom you settle down and marry. It’s obvious you think highly of her, beyond her looks. Date her. Enjoy the time you spend together. Have fun. You may find she is more your type than you realize. She may realize that you aren’t her type. That’s the whole point of dating, and the whole point of being young.

When you are in your late 30s you don’t want to look back and think about how you didn’t date the beautiful girl that pursued you. That kind of thing doesn’t happen often.

Do it.

Do it.

Don’t make me get a passport, fly to London, track you down, and kick you in the ass.

Do it.

18

Gar, baby, if I may be so bold…

Interesting situation, really. It sounds to me that your main reasons for thinking it wouldn’t work out are all arguments about why she wouldn’t/shouldn’t/couldn’t like you. You admit that you recognize a deeper sense of intellect and emotion inside her – and it may be that that is the reason she likes you – you are the one person who has actually bothered to see beyond her outside persona, to the real her. If you like what you see as the real her, I say not pursuing this is your loss.
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she is incredibly disgusted with how she is seen by others and how she is treated because of it? Many of us have a social image that we construct in order to hide our vulnerabilities. She may be just as insecure about herself as you seem to be at times. For some reason, though, she feels that she can reveal her personality more sincerely with you.
I think that you’re missing a wonderful opportunity if you pass this up. However, if you decide not to pursue the matter, please realize that she may have a lot more emotionally invested in you than you think. Don’t let your own misgivings spoil what may be the chance of a lifetime.

Just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings.
Good luck!

Cheers,
Jet

19

When it comes to women, you have got to be the second stupidest person on the planet. (I earned first place in my late teens and early twenties, through behavior exactly like yours.) Allow me to say to you what I wish someone had said to me back then:

Knock it off.

Stop overanalyzing this. Stop trying to control everything. Stop thinking five moves ahead. For pete’s sake, just go out with her. Dating someone doesn’t mean you have to marry her. If you’re attracted to someone and they’re obviously attracted to you, that’s all you need for the short term. Once you’ve gone on a few dates, then you can decide if you want to date more.

Right now you’re 22. Dating someone just for the experience of it is well worth it. It’s not your job to spare her any possible hurt by not allowing her to risk dating you. She obviously wants to take the risks that go with actually living life – you could learn a lot from her.

20

I’d say subconsciously you’re having too much fun being “hunted.” Admit it to yourself and then ask the poor girl out. You’ll hate yourself in the long run if you don’t.