Dear Straight Dope Readers,
My 96 year old mother lives in Dundalk, Maryland and I live in Denver, Colorado. She is living with a 60 year old brother that is a hoarder. The home smells of feces and urine. The bathroom is filled with black mold. When you go to turn on a light in a room often time the lights do not work. My brother and Mother are ashamed of how the interior of the home looks. I just found out that this past summer my brother would not fix the air conditioning. Two reasons I figure. One it cost money to fix and two, someone coming inside the home would tell the health department on what is going inside the home. They are both afraid of anyone finding out. I contacted Elder Abuse for Baltimore County and they said they will do nothing to help my Mother. Police Department said to call social services. Social services will not help and I am at my wit’s end. I wanted to return my Mother to my home in Denver, Colorado and she will not come. I am so upset that I can barely function. Please help. [Name and phone number deleted by moderator]
Dear Straight Dope Readers,
My 96 year old mother lives in Dundalk, Maryland and I live in Denver, Colorado. She is living with a 60 year old brother that is a hoarder. The home smells of feces and urine. The bathroom is filled with black mold. When you go to turn on a light in a room often time the lights do not work. My brother and Mother are ashamed of how the interior of the home looks. I just found out that this past summer my brother would not fix the air conditioning. Two reasons I figure. One it cost money to fix and two, someone coming inside the home would tell the health department on what is going inside the home. They are both afraid of anyone finding out. I contacted Elder Abuse for Baltimore County and they said they will do nothing to help my Mother. Police Department said to call social services. Social services will not help and I am at my wit’s end. I wanted to return my Mother to my home in Denver, Colorado and she will not come. I am so upset that I can barely function. Please help. [Deleted name and phone number]
Thanks
PS I considered kidnap.
This is the forum for factual questions. It looks more like you’re seeking advice, which should go in our IMHO forum. I’ll ask the mods to move it over there for you.
Since the OP is asking for advice, this is best suited to IMHO. I have also deleted the OP’s name and phone number. We suggest that you do not post personal information here. If you want to, you can ask people to PM or email you.
There are people who specialize in cleaning up hoarders’ homes. You could try convincing your mom that these people have already seen it all and they’re not going to think the slightest thing about the state of the home.
Are the people in question discontented, and do they desire change? I have had relatives that lived rather like that, and were perfectly contented with being left alone.
The fact that you are offended by the living conditions when you walk in the door does not necessary mean that the residents themselves want outsiders meddling in their lives. There is no reason to think that their personal safety is compromised beyond a trade-off for their sense that they are living pretty much as they choose, with the dignity that they have grown into.
It’s like finding someone perfectly happy in their old clothes, and taking them to WalMart to outfit them in new duds.
Start here. The Baltimore County Housing Code Enforcement agency will act on such reports:
You should be able to report a housing code violation from anywhere in the country via that link. Be prepared, however, for the potential family fallout when they learn you reported them.
Don’t be surprised if whatever government agency is responsible for this isn’t particularly well funded … and the agency’s response is underwhelming. Just because you disapprove of their lifestyle doesn’t mean there’s laws against it.
If you’re that worried about it, you should move there and clean the mess up yourself … if you don’t think that’s a possibility, then, well, maybe the problem isn’t as bad as you’ve lead to believe …
Toxic molds come in many colors too, so just because it’s not black doesn’t make it safe either. The inability to tell toxic mold from regular mold by looking is why there are so many mold testing labs.
!. Persuade your mother & brother to come visit you in Denver for a 2 week vacation.
Secretly arrange to have a hoarder-clean-up-company (like Sage Rat mentioned) come in and to clear out the home during those 2 weeks. They can put any questionable items that might be worth keeping into a storage container in the driveway. Those people are usually experienced at identifying what’s worth keeping.
Hire a local house-cleaner in that area to come in once a week to clean the house, for the next 6 months or so. Explain the situation to them, and make it clear that you are the one paying them, and you expect to be kept informed of the state of the house, and notified immediately if any signs of hoarding begin reappearing.
This will cost you some money, but should clear up the problem.
Possibly you can persuade them ti pay for some of it, like the weekly housecleaner, once they get used to it.
Do not do this under any circumstances. This is theft and you can be criminally charged. You cannot have someone else’s home cleared out just because you disapprove of it, even if you’re totally correct in the belief that it’s unhealthy.
The theft and criminal issues are just one part of it. Hoarding is a disease. People who have had family come in and clear out without their knowledge will at best just go back to hoarding. At worst, they can come completely unhinged and require hospitalization, or even commit suicide. Any responsible hoarding clean-up company will absolutely not participate in this type of clean-up. They will require active participation by the hoarder to ensure that any psychological issues are addressed.
I don’t know the authorities in Maryland, but a friend was in a very similar situation with her mother and her brother in New Jersey (we’re in Virginia). They were refusing to let closer relatives in the house, and were not maintaining good contact with my friend. The mother was a hoarder and was developing dementia; the brother was also a hoarder, living off a mental health disability check and mooching off his mother.
The friend called the local authorities who investigated and wound up condemning the house as unfit for habitation. Mother wound up being moved to near the friend (and ultimately into a nursing home, as the friend could NOT look after her 24/7), the brother was on the radar of social services but refused the living placement they found for him; he found his own cheap apartment from which he was eventually evicted for hoarding behavior. We have no idea what happened to him after that.
Yes, I would never go in and even try to clean it up. One person would not be able. It would take a team of folks and my guess is that my brother would be unable to let go of anything. It must all have value to him. I do not want to steal anyone’s possessions for fear of karma. Plus, it’s just wrong to steal.