*Some guy we’ve never seen before the (not) previouslies 10 seconds ago wakes up in his clothes. He wanders over to the mirror and realizes that he’s not waking up with the face he went to bed with. Turns out our boy Sylar is having nocturnal transformations and we know that young men can get very confused about all the changes their bodies go through as they grow up. He squlorks himself back to normal (but fails to take the opportunity to morph himself a better haircut, dammit), but all is not well in sociopathic killersville. You thought your morning ablutions could get gross? Sy reaches back into his mouth and yanks out a tooth, roots and all. Maybe he’s hoping the rest of his teeth will straighten out now, maybe he’s hidden some microchips or emergency DNA samples in there, who knows?
Later, Sulky ennui Sylar is hanging on a park bench being all pissy and looking like his allegedly late self. Today’s wardrobe features a light grey jacket, instead of that grungy dark thing he’s been wearing all this volume. No symbolism there, heck no. *
Danko: “Unless you’ve found some samples on the Shroud of Turin, you shouldn’t be popping back up alive three days after you died. Why are you walking around with Sylar face freaking out my monitor monkeys?”
Sylar: “My DNA’s all screwed up now. I’m waking up with the wrong body…”
Danko: Dude, that’s not DNA, that’s beer goggles. Women always look worse in the morning”
Sylar:…” I’m growing extra teeth, my eyes don’t change color back when I want them to and forget changing myself into a woman ever again- does the phrase ‘Crimson Arc’ ring a bell? I’m losing myself”
Danko: ” Yourself is an asshole. Appreciate the opportunity. For someone who hates who he is, you seem really worried about not being who you hate you are. Really, can’t tempt you into a year or two of being Taub? Nice apartment, good government job, big guns, database full of nice squishy brains, that ninja uniform that makes you look real hot? Guy could do worse, Gabriel. Think about it. And quit slouching, you’re too old to be so emo.”
Sylar: * TK-burns “I AM SYLAR” into his arm, pouts some more*
Danko: “Fucking emos. If you couldn’t heal yourself, that would have been edgy. Quit moping, put on your work face and get to the office. We’ve got a guy who can make china figurines explode scheduled for today!”
Sylar: “Oooh, really?! Cool, coming boss!”
*Later: * Sylar breaks into the apartment with the freaky kid from The Corbomite Maneuver * (hey, it was on last weekend) lives. Worse than that, he steals the guy’s cocoa.
Sylar: “There’s a bunch of army guys coming here to take you away because of your terrifying figurine destroying powers.
Tom: “Why do they want to hurt us? “
Sylar: “What do you mean ‘they’? Oops. Uhh, they’re just jellus of how cool we are? Decide quick, do you trust them, or trust me?”
Tom: “Uh, you?”
Sylar: “Wrong answer. But really, they’d all be wrong answers * skeeeeeekkkk-splort Ooh, look, all this lovely blood to paint with!”
*Danko and the boys bust in to find a de-cranium’d Tom on the floor and “I AM SYLAR” painted all over the floral wallpaper. *
Danko:”Oh shit”
Taub-lar: ”Wow. What an asshole this Sylar is.”
Danko: “It’s not Sylar! It’s a copycat asshole! Nope, Sylar’s dead still, everyone!”
Some ninja: “Hey Taub, have your eyes always been two different colors?”
Taub-lar: “So what’s your apartment like? Full cable?”
After spending the afternoon in an apartment in Virginia full of figurines, Sylar gets all sentimental about his putative mommy, Virginia. He goes home and orders up a box of evidence from her murder investigation. *
Sylar: “Awww, this is the Bunny snowglobe I got you for mother’s day. And here’s the scissors I thrust into your heart! Waitaminute!..Bunnies? Bunnies??? Ew, ick, mommy blood. I thought I used that all up painting the apocalypse “ * Squlork….
Virginia:”Oh, it’s all right dear. I forgive you for stabbing me. It was an accident” Squlork….
Sylar: “Actually, no, I really wanted to see you die” * Squlork….*
Virginia: “Sweetie, mine was the only homicide of yours that really was accidental. You should just appreciate how special that made me feel * Squlork….*
Sylar: “You really still love me?” * Squlork….*
Virginia: “Of course I do. I forgive you dear. Or, at least this delusional image of me you’re having forgives you. The real me? I’d be damning you to hell, boy. But don’t let me interrupt your psychotic cathartic breakdown“* Squlork….*
Danko: “Be vewy vewy qwiet….I’m hunting Webel!”
Sylar: “Hey Rebel. You’re shorter than I imagined. I usually don’t kill kids but maybe I’ll make an exception……”
Deux ex Michana Luke Sanderswalker: “I feel the good that’s inside you. You could save us all!”
Sylar: It is too later for me, my son. Go and tell your sister-that you were…. Oh, screw that. Wanna come home with a psychopath who kills specials and takes their abilities? We’re both orphans, you know”
Micha: “Sure, I really feel like I understand you….”
Audience: Awww, shit! Micah, no!
Micha: “I’ve been trying to hide from these government agents at night while wearing a coat with reflective stripes. Hey, how did they find me, again?”
- Sylar takes Micah, who clearly was playing around with getting wifi on his calculator during the stranger-danger lectures in 4th grade, back to Case de Taub for some quality fugitive nap time. He refrains from giving Micah the squishy brain treatment for some reason. Maybe he feels some empathy for the little orphan. Maybe he needs the wifi fiddled with. Anyhow, he enjoys some mommy & me bugfuckery time while Micah naps:
(Wow, that sounds really inappropriate)*
Virginia: “What’s that little boy doing in your bed? Oh, Gabriel, I’m so disappointed in you!”
Micah “Who’s that lady?”
Sylar: * Squlork….* “Uh, no one!”
Micah: “Hey, I thought you were an orphan! Liar!”
Sylar: “Read my bio, kid? Tasty brains? Got some?”
Micah: “Fuck this, I’m going back to Nanna Uhura’s in New Orleans”exeunt, possibly forever, Bye Micah, nice having you on the show. Sorry about your voice changing and everything. Say hi to Molly for us when you get to the Land of Misfit Orphan Hero Kids!
Virginia: “You could be so much more, Gabriel. You could be president of the United States!”
Sylar: “ Foreshadowing……….your guide to quality television!
Nathan: “Get out of my body, you son of a bitch!”
Sylar: “I will. Soon. Gotta go, have a 9am with President Worf. But first-flying? Sounds fun * skeee-thud? (Nathan does the dance of the taser faceplant) *
Danko: “No splicing the Senator!”
Sylar: “Why?”
Danko: “I dunno. Just seems wrong, I guess. Hey, turn around, I think you got something on your neck….* Thwock!!* (Sylar does the dance of the knife to the skull faceplant)
Danko: into walkie Cleanup in Petrelli’s office…….
Sylar:* gets up, de-knife’s himself* “Owieeeee!?”
Danko: “I’m absolutely not shitting a brick”
Oh yeah……
In our B story, Matt decides now that he has a kid he can’t do anything risky, so he takes the little fart home to the house where the feds were trying to capture the sippy-cup hero 6 days earlier. We are stunned to discover they left a platoon in the neighbor’s garage to raid Janice’s house 3 minutes after Matt&Matt come home. Damn, guy doesn’t even have a chance to hit the head after his road trip. He pulls the ‘no one is here-no really, empty house, guys!’ mojo on the ninja’s and for some reason this makes him want to leave Janice and Matty and go run off and do something-anything- to protect his friends. (Hey, you had me worried there for a minute, big guy. I though parenthood was going to turn you into a risk adverse wuss, but one cross country road trip with the crawling-ist hero, and you can’t get back to your plan-free enemy attacks fast enough. Guess the baby didn’t sleep the whole trip, huh? So back to primary custody mommy he goes!)
Hiro and Ando plan out their annual big season ending assault on the bad guys, where Hiro patronizes Ando, and Ando gets all pissed at him, and they squak at each other like old marrieds who still really love each other but have that contempt of familiarity thing happening. Ando expresses an interest in not being tased this time, thank you very much. Hiro patronizingly laughs off Ando’s wishes to not be patronized anymore, and tries to time-freeze Building 26 so they can go in and steal all their thumb drives.Or something. Let’s just say that Hiro’s been studying at the Parkman School of Tactical Planning. Anyhow, he tried to put the chrono-freeze on but instead of freezing time, he blows a brain gasket, grabs his head in agony, and bleeds dramatically from the nose. We leave Hiro with time marching forward per usual, sitting on the curb with a wad of toilet paper over his face, and his hetero life partner looking like he’s about to become hetero-widowed.
The Area Coyote folks begin to suffer the intelligence-sapping aftereffects of whatever nuclear testing was done in the area in the 50’s, because Noah drives Claire and Angela right up to a ninja road block, and Mohinder gets his weekly tasering while trying to watch his Chandra film by lantern light. See you in the Human Resources ward, kids!
Next time: Mohinder looks into getting some body armour, Sylar looks into getting a helmet, and Claire looks to be getting courted. Maybe Gabriel’ll get her a matching helmet as an engagement gift!
Should have gone to college when you had the chance, missy!
