He's making me feel kind of worthless

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I wasn’t really sure where to post this, or even how. I’m just annoyed with the situation I’m in.

I’m 21, he’s 43. Now, before I get into it let me just say that we’re not dating, are not a couple, or barely even a “thing.” I’m not delusional, so I’m not expecting love and marriage blah blah blah and so forth. Nor do I want any of that. I just like him a lot, its that simple. He doesn’t seem to mind me that much either, heh.

We’ve gone out once, talk on the phone occasionally and I see him at work (we don’t work together). He knows about my little crush, and I’m fine with that. I’m also fine with the fact that nothing will ever really come of it beyond anything merely physical. However, he’s taking advantage of my feelings. He’s tickled pink over the fact that a girl over half his age is smitten with him and he stomps all over my heart and self-worth in the process.

I don’t care if I’m not the center of his attention but he can at least treat me like an adult. I may be considerably younger than he is, but I am still an adult. For the most part I act like one, and I deserve to be treated like one. I really don’t think thats too much to ask. He hasn’t always been so cruel, so I don’t know what happened. We use to be able to talk normally and he use to treat me like I was worth something. I haven’t been doing anything to pressure him or smother him, so it wasn’t anything I did.

Is it the age difference? Did something suddenly click in his head and now he’s uncomfortable? I just want his friendship, not his hand in marriage. He acts like its no big deal, but something’s up. He still comes over to the cafe, but only when I’m there - my co-workers can attest to that. I guess he’ll walk over, take a look around and if I’m not there he just walks away. Yet, when I AM there and he does come over, he completely ignores me and talks to everyone else. I don’t get it. When he does talk to me, he talks down…which is new. He turns everything I say into some sort of joke - almost mocking me.

Maybe he thinks I want more from him than I really do. I just wish he would stop treating me like a child because its putting me on the defensive and now I’m starting to act differently around him. I’d bring it up to him but he acts so nonchalant about everything, I feel as though I’m expected to be the same way. I feel like he’s trying to put me in my place and I don’t even know why.

I know this is all fragmented, but I just needed to let loose a little brain vomit.

2

Sorry to phrase it so bluntly and please no offense, but, is he married?

3

“Maybe he thinks I want more from him than I really do. I just wish he would stop treating me like a child because its putting me on the defensive and now I’m starting to act differently around him. I’d bring it up to him but he acts so nonchalant about everything, I feel as though I’m expected to be the same way. I feel like he’s trying to put me in my place and I don’t even know why.”

So he’s being a d–k. Be yourself. If you’re speaking truthfully, you understand that this is a purely physical, goin’ nowhere kinda thang.

If he’s coming in to see you, and then deliberately ignoring you he’s more messed up than you are.

So next time he pulls this (coming in when you’re there, then ignoring and talking down) get your coworkers to cover for you and sit down with him at the table and call him on his crap. Rehash the middle paragraphs of the OP for him.

And it doesn’t matter if he expects you to be “nonchalant.” It matters that he’s treating you in a way you don’t appreciate. You’re 21; guys way older are fun, but they have their baggage (I know, believe me). You let him know exactly what you expect.

And if you are interested in Relationships in general (ie the ones that lead to marriage/long-term cohabitation and so forth - I don’t know you so I can’t say) let him know in no uncertain terms that you don’t consider him your one and only and that if something else fine comes along you will spring for it, and it’s been nice with him.

4

That’s okay, I should have said something.

No, he’s not. Never been married, doesn’t have kids.

5

Yeah, its getting to that point. He pulled it again today, but I didn’t have the chance to say anything. He barely said two words to me. I gave him a sharp look, he saw it, it registered. It was all I could do.

He knows that I would like to get married…eventually. Basically, I don’t have any interest in settling down until I’ve established myself more, and that won’t happen for at least 5 years. I also don’t want to have kids - these things have somehow slipped into conversation so he knows all about it. He also knows that I just got out of a relationship and don’t want to get into anything too deep right now.

I haven’t given him any reason to think I have him marked.

6

I don’t know how long you have been seeing each other but it sort of sounds like what happened when I started seeing my now boyfriend. At first it was mainly physical. Just “fuck buddies” and we got along fine for several months. I was not in love and neither was he, we just* liked * each other. We also have an age difference. He is 52 and I am 36. Neither of us wants marriage. He has been married before 3 times and I have been married twice. Neither of us wants kids. His is already grown and mine are 14 and 16. We also have no desire to live together.

After we “dated” for several months he got very offish. Ignoring phone calls and when we met at our local tavern he paid attention to everybody but me. I finally called him on it and we had a big argument and didn’t speak for over a week. When we finally spoke again he let me know that he started having more feelings for me than he had initially intended to. I also had stronger feelings for him then I had let on. We are still together and we are now boyfriend and girlfriend. We still don’t want marriage or to live together but we are a long-term couple.

Just a thought that maybe he is having more feelings than he wants to admit. If he is only coming in the cafe when you are there I would say he is still interested but perhaps trying to convince himself that you are more interested and so is trying to push you away.

7

He likes you too. He’s just acting it out in a childish way.

I’m surprised he hasn’t found a way to hand you a note that reads

*Do you like me? (check one)

___yes ___no*

8

You deserve better than this. He’s more than twice your age, you guys are not in the same place life experience-wise. There is no need to put up with his crap. Dump him and move on. He’s playing mind games with you, which is something an immature brat does.

9

I think it is either:

  • He is starting to have some feelings for you that he didn’t anticipate, so he is trying to be a little stand-offish

OR…

  • He is thinking that you are starting to have some feelings for him and he’s trying to cool things off, so he acts stand-offiish.

Either way, it’s rude and impolite to you and you should call him on it. Get it sorted out now before it gets out of control.

10

Sounds to me like he was happy to be your friend and even to flirt with you, but now that he understands you’re more interested in him than he is in you, he wants to keep his distance so that you don’t spent years pining after him. A bit approach avoidance, but that’s no crime.

My advice – get over it. Six months from now, when you’re seeing someone your own age, you and he can be friends again.

–Cliffy

11

Yeah - don’t waste your time on this guy. You say you want his friendship, yet it seems to me that you really want something more. If you only wanted to be friends, I think that would be clear and there’d be no problems. However, I think that you’re somehow communicating to him that you want more and he’s not down with that.

Either way, he’s being a jerk, and you don’t need that. Move on.

12

You say you’ve tried to bring it up with him, but when you did that, were you trying to tell him about his actions, or were you just talking about how you were feeling? You have every right to feel the way you’re feeling about the way he’s acting, and I think you owe it to both of you to sit down and tell him how you’re feeling, and what you expect from him and your relationship. You can have any kind of relationship you want, at any level you want, but it does need to be clear with both parties what is expected.

And I agree with the others here; it does sound like he’s fallen harder than he expected to, and he’s acting like a 12 year old because of it. Call him on it; do it now, do it firmly.

13

I’m not pining over him, perhaps he shouldn’t flatter himself so much.

I do like him, in more than just a friendly way. However, I am more than willing to swallow that if I can just be his friend. He knows that. However, at this point it just isn’t worth it anymore.

I’m over the whole “rejection” thing…if I even was rejected to begin with. I was over that before I posted here. I just want him to behave normally around me again.

The cutie that works next door to me (who’s 24)…now you can accuse me of pining over him…

Thanks everyone.

14

This reminds me of third grade recess when I used to kick the girls I liked in the shins.

15

Ouch!

16

He’s mad at himself for wanting you, more than he thinks, you want him. And he’s taking it out on you. Or perhaps, he’s mad at you for not wanting him as much as he wants you.
Either way, he deffinatly wants you for more than just a casual relationship, but he’s not likely to admit it.
He’s probably one of those guys who never admits to how he feels. Ever wonder why he’s never married?

17

That, m’dear, is beyond your control. It’s not up to you to decide how he behaves.

Concentrate on the next-door cutie and don’t give Mr. 43 another thought. Either he’ll get over it and be friends, or he won’t. Move on.

18

Yeah, I have that feeling as well. I do want to talk to him about it, but considering how he’s been acting, even if he does like me more than he would like, he could easily lie and say he doesn’t. Then I’d just be sitting there looking like an ass. I’ll figure something out. Regardless of the outcome, I’m just glad I can communicate this somehow as its been really bothering me.

19

Laughs

I was just thinking about the time in 2nd grade where a boy asked me to marry him during first recess and was throwing worms at me by lunch time.

20

Have you slept together since he started acting like this?