Men: Interpret this for me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Here’s the scenario that’s happening to my friend. She’s kind of obsessing on it and I really can’t help her because frankly, I find it confusing too: Pam is my age, 32, and has been friends with a guy for 7 years, since she was 25 and he was 14 (he was a friend of a friend). She didn’t see him from when he graduated high school at 17 until last year, and now, he’s a man. You see where this is going.

So they hang out, watch movies, I think they even went camping once. They have a great time, but now she sorta has a crush on him. He’s very reserved and kinda nerdy, so she can’t tell if he likes her and she’s terrified to tell him and have him laugh in her face and say, “Eww, you’re old!”

The only indications he’s ever given her that he’s interested are as follows: once, she fell asleep on the couch with him. They were facing each other with their heads on opposite ends of the couch. She half woke up because he was holding her feet, and his hands were so hot it woke her up. She didn’t do anything out of, again, this terror she has of being rejected by him. Also, he has fixed her computer for free about 4 times, and I mean extensive repairs that cost hundreds of dollars, even driving out to her house in east Bumble in the middle of the night.

However, I know once she offered to go to his house, make him dinner, bring wine… and he said no. WTF?

So does he like her or is she a delusional chick with an unrealistic crush on some kid?

2

Hmmm…I say she should just specifically ask the guy. Don’t hint or flirt, just explicitly say something indicating romantic interest.

3

I would guess that they have known each other for so long, that he doesn’t necessarily think of her as a potential partner. That said, it does not mean that he would not want her for a partner. The problem your friend will have to trace is avoiding being a ‘motherly’ character to the bloke. I susspect that was why he didn’t go for the ’ go to his house, make him dinner, bring wine…’ offer.
What would have worked for me at his age would be if your friend arranges to meet him more and more often, learns that he has no girlfriend, and if things are going well tell him that she finds him attractive. The guy, especially as you discribe him as nerdy and reserved, probably doesn’t think of himself as possibly being attractive to her, and this is my guess as to why he hasn’t approached her at all yet.
Basicly,
1 I bet he is more terrified of her than she is of his rejection.
2 Unless he is in a relationship, he will be bowled over by her being interested in him.
3 As long as she can treat him as a social equal, there is no reason for the age difference to be a problem.
4 Unless he is a complete ass, he won’t reject her because of her age. But it is possible that he just can’t feel for her in the way she might want him to. That is just life.

4

Ermmmm, just based on what you posted in the OP, I’d have to say no. I’ve got “hot hands” (a relaxation technique) and I will usually warm up the cold hands or feet of others if they’re gonna be touching me. I’ve also gone far out of my way to do expensive computer repairs because I hate to see my friends pay a lot of money for easy (for me) repairs. I frequently have spare computer parts laying around and that’s what I keep them for (unexpected repairs).

She might be reading more into this than there is. But I say she asks him anyhow. How long is she willing to torture herself by not knowing?

5
  1. He wants to see her naked (we want to see all women naked).
  2. He didn’t want her to see his house ‘cause it’s probably a freakin’ mess.
  3. Get him drunk.
6

Eh, Pam has a few irons in the fire, so her obsessing is recreational, but annoying, especially since I don’t know what to tell her.

I thought he wasn’t interested based on the refusal of a dinner offer, but the foot thing took me aback. He isn’t a touchy-feely guy-- he doesn’t hug anyone hello or goodbye and doesn’t do gratuitous physical contact with anyone. Her feet weren’t cold when he grabbed them either; this was in August. Her feet weren’t on him either, apparently, he just took her feet in his hands and held them for a long time. It struck me as odd, but not necessarily indicative of anything, but possibly… aw, I dunno.

I can see why she doesn’t want to say anything to him. A long-time friend of mine suddenly asked me out last year, and I did not reciprocate his feelings. We are still friends but it was a painful conversation that I wish we hadn’t had. I don’t blame her for wanting a little more certainty before she says anything, esp. considering the age difference.

I kinda wish she’d just jump him. Aside from the fact that he never goes out and isn’t terrifically social, I think he could be right for her.

7

Oh, and this guy definitely has no girlfriend. I don’t know when he ever really has, to be honest, though apparently he’s not a virgin or anything. He never talks to Pam about other women, but does ask her about whatever other men happen to be in her life.

8

I agree with the assessment of others: ask him out and end the agony. Being a shy geek myself I can flat out say that wild horses could not force him into making the first move. It has to come from her or else never come at all. If she can handle the constant unknown without letting it sabotage their relationship or her relationship with other guys, which I honestly doubt, then thats one thing. But most of us just can’t pull off accepting the big question mark.

She could always try to sound him out with more neutral comments like maybe the Husband’s Bane “I don’t think I look that good right now. Do you?” Just a thought.

C’est la vie.

9

I think YellowTail
is right on.
But I’m a girl and really am just intruding on the Male help line :slight_smile:

10

I seriously doubt the age difference will pose a problem. And what you mention about the computer repairs does indicate a strong like for her, but it’s not clear whether that’s as a good friend or as a romantic interest.

However, the foot holding is a bit different. I, too, am one of those guys who doesn’t do a lot of social touching, not even with close friends I’ve known for years, but if I’m with a romantic interest that changes. If he is anything like that, this foot holding really stands out as a good sign for her. Maybe she should touch him more often. Nothing overtly sexual, but simple touches on arm, chest, or leg that might linger a bit longer than the social norm. See if he backs away or if he lets her keep it up (no pun intended ;)). This could tell her a lot.

11

Though my earlier advice is my wisest, I lay my hat to YellowTail’s number 3.
But just get him a little drunk, and get drunk together, and sit on a nice warm rug, and eat good food, and…

( Don’t get very drunk, he’s only 21 and not had many girlfriends, so very drunk he’ll be useless. Then the day after he won’t call because he thinks he blew it, she won’t call because she thinks she lead him on… )

If that don’t work, there is no hope.

12

I remember having a “crush” on a few “older” women when I was that age and I didn’t act on it because I thought I’d be too young for them…uh, and I was.

So she’s gotta just come out and confront the dude.

13

Man, can I relate to this…as it happened to me.

In high school, I had a wicked crush on my best friend’s (divorced)older sister. Jayne, on the other hand, knew I existed, but primarily as a last-resort babysitter for her son. I don’t remember exactly, but I think there was a 15-year difference in our ages.

Fast forward 6 or 7 years. I spend a little time in college, and a little more time in the Army, jumping out of airplanes, eating snakes, etc. Basically growing up and filling out.

I see my old friends older sister at his wedding. Crush instantly re-ignites.

Jayne sees me. Only now, she doesn’t just see me as her former backup babysitter. Pity that I didn’t immediately recognize that glint in her eyes for what it was - but it’s already been established than most men are dense in that regard.

Luckily for me, this was a woman who did not hesitate to initiate pursuit. After the wedding, before I fly home, we spend a day together at the beach. Two weeks later, Jayne calls to announce that she’s coming to NYC ‘on business’ and could use a tour guide for the weekend. Arrives Friday evening at 5; by 7:30 it had sunk into my thick skull that something was happening here.

And so we hooked up.

(insert fireworks visual here)

It was…well, magic seems kinda trite, but it fits.
One of the best experiences of my life.

To paraphrase M. Chevalier - * “Thank heaven…for older women” *…

(Side Note: It also convinced me that what they say about the difference between men and women - regarding age and sexual prime - is spot on!)

So tell Pam to **go for it ** by all means. I bet they’ll both thank you later.

14

I think he might be intrested in the nookie with no strings attached. He’s young so I’m thinking he might be a little embarrassed to have an older woman as a girlfriend. SOooo if by crush you mean your friend just wants to rock his world; by all means go for it! But if she wants more; proceed with caution.
Also, she has to make the first move. Just tell her this: “Would you rather live life as a coward, always running away from adversity? Or would you rather live life as a strong woman who’s always ready to face a challenge? Becuase even if he rejects you; that shityness you feel inside will soon give way to the pride you feel for having faced your fears.”

15

P.S. I have a penis…

16

[good-natured overgeneralization]
It would do women good to carry a card with them at all times, which they would be required by law to read every hour on the hour. This card would simply say:

Reminder: Men Cannot Read My Mind
[/good-natured over-generalization]

As a member of the population set with XY geno- and phenotype, and of the “shy quiet geek” persuasion on top of that, I firmly support the existing advice from everyone else that she needs to make a damn move and find out. Time will simply be a-wastin’ otherwise, since it’ll most likely be a few years before he gains enough gumption to overcome his own natural Shy Geek Inertia.

17

He’s 21, and has oats to sow, so to speak. She’s 32. Probably in his mind, he sees that as a “settling down” age, or at least an “in a committed relationship” age. Sounds like that’s not what he’s looking for. I’d imagine he’s interested, but doesn’t want to be in a serious, monagamous relationship. Not yet, anyway. He might be afraid of hooking up then having “instant girlfriend” call him every day, two, three times a day, spending all of her free time at his place, basically smothering the freedom he’s not ready to give up on just yet. If she comes on to him, making it brutally clear that it’s a f*ck-buddy kinda thing, maybe that will satisfy them both. If something more develops from that, then it was meant to be. If not, well, maybe each of them take away hot memories.

18

The problem is, you guys are right when you say that she wants a relationship with this guy. She looooves him. As a friend foremost, and she would never want to ruin that with casual sex, because as we all know, sex makes things messy, and not just in a good way. I personally am friends with many of my exes, but I’m lucky. Also, this guy, from what she says, it one of those sensitive/angry types (he got really mad at her for blowing him off a few times over scheduling issues, chewed her out big-time, and as soon as she cried, he dropped it and asked her to do something with him the next day. That type.) He might not take too kindly to the feeling that she was using him for sex or something. I know, I know, you’re going to tell me that no guy would object to that, but I beg to differ. I’ve HEARD that from guys, actually. The world is a not what I thought it was in my 20s, that’s for sure.

Doesn’t sex generally fuck up a friendship? Not always, but generally. Pam doesn’t want to lose this guy; after all, computer repair is expensive.

Kidding.

Anyway, probably nothing I will say will convince her to do something. And she’s not a timid gal-- she’s the throw-him-against-the-wall type, but for some reason this kid is killing her. It’s kind of a mid-life crisis, come to think of it. Seducing a 21 year old is very Mrs. Robinson, and look how well THAT turned out.

19

Actually it can turn out quite well. But I wonder if Pam feels that her biological clock is now ticking and is getting desperate?

20

Biological clock ticking does not = desperate. Pam and this young dude actually don’t look as far apart in age as they are; he looks older and she looks younger, so they kinda meet in the middle. And as I said before, Pam is not hard up, but she does really dig this kid.

[good natured over-generalization]

Men seem to think that as soon as a woman turns 30, she automatically becomes haunted by the very loud sound of her ovaries ticking. No one likes to think they’ll die alone, but the blind urge to snag a man to marry and reproduce with is not the sole motivator of 30+ women. Some of them actually want to date men simply because they like them.

[/good natured over-generalization]

So basically, the jury is still out on whether this guy is actually interested. This is what I’ve been telling her. Most likely she’ll get involved with someone else and become distracted from this obsession, though I dunno, it’s be going on for months now…