Fill your bathtub with beer so that he falls over the side and drowns therein.
If immediate family hits a rough patch, then I will gladly open my doors. Depending on the situation, they will be given leeway, and I will do my best to accommodate. That said, I will set up house rules, and failure to follow house rules will get boot-in-butt and let someone else deal.
Parents get exceptional, but not unlimited, leeway, especially my in-laws (as they came as a package deal with my wife).
French’s. Deal with it.
I agree, set a hard date, and be firm with it. You’ll actually be doing the guy a favor. More importantly, you’ll be doing yourself a favor.
Years ago I had a band mate ask to stay at my place for one night, maybe two. After a month I had to ask the leech to get out. He was really cramping my style, and he’d borrowed so much money that I couldn’t make rent. He ended up staying with the band’s drummer. At least he was out of my life. I stole his girlfriend, the band broke up, and last I heard he was trying to scam the mob.
Have you checked the cable bill yet?
Last time I let a relative stay, he ordered up a number of PPV adult movies and then had the nerve to deny it when we got the bill.
I vote for kick his ass out as well!
How big is that TV in the living room? Why not get a similar size for the guest room?
Seriously, the time has come to tell your husband that you are at wits end with his brother, and the next time the urge appears, you are going to throw Sluggo out. Your Hubby should step to the plate here and have a few words with Slug about his next place of residence, and offer to help take him there. If action isn’t taken within a week, I’d say Hubby has been warned and you should move onto Stage 2, which may involve salted poop.
“Except the IRS.”
– Bricker
Just start souring the milk.
Leave the want ads out on top of the TV screen with items circled.
Go out to dinner before coming home.
Leave self-help books all over the place.
Talk about how much you miss his ex-wife.
C., hack him to death with a kitchen knife.
I like your style.
I had a friend who needed a place after he got booted out of his apartment for nonpayment of rent. He promised he would spend time out and stay with other people occasionally and cook, but of course it didn’t happen. He spent the whole time watching TV or playing video games. He had absolutely no money, and always wanted things like crossword puzzle books from the grocery store. I forgot to mention, this was Seattle about 6 or 7 years ago, when the tech bubble burst, and I was on unemployment. He was waiting to hear back about a job all the way across the country, and finally got it. They paid for his moving expenses.
On the second last day before he left, some of his friend from college threw him a going away party at a pub. He wasn’t going to be back until late, and I had to go out so I couldn’t give him the key, so he would call me when he needed to get back in. At 3 AM he calls. I go down to let him in, and theres another guy there. The guy follows us in, and then back to my room. I was tired, and just wanted to go back to sleep, so I didn’t say anything. I thought it was just one of his friends. Nope. Turns out it was just some guy he met at the bar who didn’t have a place to stay. When I got up the guy was gone, but nothing of mine was missing. When I confronted him about this, and got mad because of who it was, he just said ‘Cmon man, take a walk on the wild side’. If he wasn’t leaving the next day I would have just kicked him out right then and there. Thinking about it, I really should have.
Quoted for truth. The complaint here is that he doesn’t like the brand of food you buy?!? But you really showed him - you bought off-brand food! HaHA! Take that, mooching brother-in-law!
For the love of god and all that’s holy, kick this asshole out. Sure, family helps family out, but family also doesn’t take advantage of family.
Are you married to one of my ex-husband’s brothers? Did NewWife kick him out???
Unlikely, but I do have some experience with an unreasonable sense of entitlement. That man has never received a welcome that he has not utterly and thoroughly worn out. I don’t really have any advice, but you do have my sympathy.
Hook him up with bouv’s flatmates, and watch hilarity ensue as they sell the TV remote to buy dope.
Woo. That vent drew a lot of responses!
Okay, many asked why I haven’t given The Slug an ultimatum or tossed him out already. Or forced my husband to do it through my own ultimatums. Two reasons:
- Throughout our marriage we have had an agreement that we will each do the heavy lifting in coping with relatives on our own side. The non-blood relative can gripe and complain to the partner, but only the blood relative will do confrontations or rules laying down or the like. Given that both of our family trees contain their share of annoying (to us) people, this has worked out pretty fairly over time.
See, we figure that only blood relative knows the background well enough to make good decisions AND a row between blood relatives might get loud and nasty, but it’s less likely to result in the kind of on-going cold war that can ensue when, say, a wife mixes it up with her mother-in-law. I know my husband still has remnants of the awe and affection from when The Slug was his protective big brother. I’m not going to try to force my husband to any conclusions – he’s getting there, I can see the change in his attitude when talking to The Slug sometimes. I can wait a while longer.
I mention mother-in-law for a reason: my mother has been a horrible PITA on and off for years and years. Husband has put up with it, and kept his mouth shut to her about it forever, leaving it up to me to choose which battles to fight and which to flee. I figure he has earned more than just two months forbearance for dealing with The Slug.
2) I am not a psychiatrist, but I worked in a psychiatrist’s office for a decade, and the signs aren’t at all subtle in this case. The Slug is suffering from depression. I have interfered to the extent of trying to get him to seek treatment. He doesn’t have insurance, but I found a low cost clinic AND pointed out to him that as a veteran he’s entitled to help at VA hospitals. Both of us (separately) have offered help in paying for a few psychiatric sessions/his medications/etc. The Slug refuses to admit he needs help, and until he’s open to the idea, there’s nothing else to be done.
Also, we’re talking winter in New England. There’s no way I’m going to actively push anyone out into the cold if they don’t have a place to go.
Anyway, that’s why I’m mostly putting up with The Slug. I grit my teeth, and try to be as pleasant to him as I can. Which isn’t as pleasant as I should be, as pleasant as my husband has been to my mother. My husband is all around a much nicer person than I am.
So…I occasionally take my spleen out here.
And resort to passive-aggressive shopping. 
What set of circumstances convinced you to become this man’s servants?
Seriously, evict him. “Family” means NOTHING when they act like this. Give him 24 hours, and on the street.
It really is just that easy. I speak from experience (which is the only reason I’m posting); I’m the one who twice threw out my ex-SO’s deadbeat mother from our house, on the street so to speak, so I know what I’m talking about. It’s amazing how resourceful and motivated most people become when they realize that you’ve stopped degrading yourself and your home for them.
I don’t understand this. One partner can allow their family to ride roughshod over the other because, in essence, they know their family best? Why is your system better than that used by other couples, which is “we are a team/we do things together/we make decisions together/no one fucks with us?”
I’m sorry, but tough. He is NOT going to get help sitting on the couch for 12 hours a day. He won’t admit he has a problem, he refuses your help…there is no indication whatsoever that he will ever leave. Why would he? You have no end-game - he could be there for years and you’ll still be posting about it on here.
This isn’t the 1800’s. There are other relatives. There are friends. There are missions if nothing else.
Only you can help you, and it appears you’ve given up - on yourself. How unfortunate.
No word on what your hubby has to say about the matter. Personally I’d find it really difficult to kick a brother out on the street, especially when he’s obviously going through a really rough patch.
He’s lost his job, his wife, is having financial problems, and is obviously going through some severe depression. Why is the immediate reaction of most people “toss him out, even if he has to stay at a shelter”? Do you want to pass him on the street with a paper cup, begging for change for another bottle of booze? I understand you’re not that close to him, and may have cause to dislike him. And yeah, he may be an un-appreciative asshole. But you have to realize this is your husband’s brother. And I can understand your hubby wanting to try to be supportive and help him out. If you can’t depend on your own family in time of need, who can you depend on? Everyone makes mistakes.
Whether his problems are self inflicted or not isn’t the issue. The point is, the man needs some help and support from his family, not bitching about hotdogs (although I can quite understand your frustration with someone that doesn’t seem to be doing anything other than mooching and bitching). I would be more concerned about his apparent lack of progress in doing anything to get his life back together than anything else. You or better yet, your hubby should sit down and have a chat with him. Start with something along the lines of “You are our family, and we understand your going through some rough times right now. We’d like to see you get back on your feet again, and we’re trying to help you do that”. You haven’t posted much about Slug’s split with his wife, maybe you could explore that a little. Is a reconcilliation with the wife at all possible? Are they speaking to each other? Then I would move on to the issue of him finding another job. Ask him what possibilities he’s exploring. Just because he’s not up bright and early and still on the couch when you get home, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s sitting there all day. It does sound like that’s what he’s doing though. But ask. If I was going through that many major problems at once, I’d have to really struggle to fight the urge to just curl up into a little ball and wish I was dead. Tell him to take things one step at a time. Say you know it’s easy to get overwhelmed with stuff. But no one is going to pull him out of his situation except himself. No one’s going to knock on the door and offer him a job. Tell him to stay positive and stay focused. It’s going to be frustrating, looking for a job always is. But encourage him to keep at it.
I would find out what steps he’s taking to get out of his situation before just bitching at him or kicking him out. Maybe he can get back together with his wife, problems and all, and be out of your hair. If not, still encourage him to find another job. If you don’t already, subscribe to the local papers and tell him so he can look through the want ads. Get him to sign up for some job sites, look on craigslist, etc. Once he finds some work, that’s the first step. Not every renter does credit checks, and once he’s got some work and an income, he can find another place to live, and start working on paying off his debt.
That’s my advice to you, based on a very incomplete understanding of your situation. I wish you and the mooch the best of luck!
Hmm, I bet we could come up with a recipe for hot dogs that taste even better than Hebrew National.
[They wouldn’t be Kosher though, and they might be a bit salty if Thudlow Boink gets his way, but at least the OP could tell her husband that BiL had finally contributed to that week’s food budget…]
As someone who’s worked with psychiatrists for a long time, you probably know that the recommended treatment for depression is not allowing someone to do nothing but lie on your couch and bitch all day, then. You’re probably familiar with the term “enabler,” too. Seriously, if you want to help your brother-in-law, light some serious fires under his ass. If he is clinically depressed, he needs some outside motivation more than ever. When I spend a day not doing anything that I should be doing, I don’t feel great, either. If I did that for two months, if I wasn’t depressed at the start of it, I probably would be by the end of it.
I’m sorry, but all of the background questions posed in this thread are utter nonsense and entirely irrelevant to the situation at hand. Regardless of how this situation came to be, or how you accepted it initially, or blah blah blah – the fact remains that this bum is taking up your real estate and eating your food, not to mention using your electricity, appliances, everything. It sounds less like he’s a brother in law and more like he’s a 12 year old son.
You and your husband need to get a grip on reality. Clearly this system of “you deal with your family, I’ll deal with mine” isn’t working because you’re on here discussing this, not in your living room. You need to start working together, as a team – you know, partners – to take care of issues that affect BOTH of you. This one clearly does.
That said, kick his ass out. End of story. I realized he was probably depressed in some way about halfway through your story, but he has also made it clear that he’s not interested in helping himself. Much like no one can take advantage of you without your permission, no one can help you without your permission, either. You and your husband have put yourselves out there for long enough to help someone in whatever way you can to get back on their feet and back out into the world. That hasn’t happened.
I feel like the only thing that’s going to get through to a person like this is a cold hard kick in the ass, and a fresh look at reality. Reality isn’t mooching off of someone for this long, watching TV for 12 hours a day and sleeping the rest away. Reality is looking at the daunting question of “holy hell, where am I going to get a job?” “Where am I going to sleep tonight?” Those questions aren’t answered from the recliner.
I’m all about giving the helping hand to family and friends in need. My couch is their couch, as long as they’re actively working to correct the situation. Be it a day or a year, I don’t care how long people stay as long as some effort is made. This guy isn’t making any effort at all. You’ve given the helping hand, and now he’s twisting it.
I’m sorry, StarvingButStrong, but I know how tough this situation can be. I’ve been on both your end of it, and watching it firsthand many times. Nothing is going to get accomplished as long as you keep giving in and letting more and more happen. Did you actually snatch away his plate and tell him to go buy his own damn food if he doesn’t like what you have? I sure hope so.
This isn’t anyone’s immediate reaction, as far as I can tell. Most people in this thread have shown sympathy for their loved ones in need, but this slug is now passing the two month mark on the couch. That’s well beyond enough time to sit around moping. Husband’s brother or not, he’s a self-sufficient human being who has gone from needing a boost to taking a vacation. Everyone makes mistakes; good people then make effort to correct their mistakes.
Again, this is fine and dandy, and I can’t say StarvingButStrong is entirely innocent here – this should have happened a long time ago. 2 months, though. That’s a good long while. In my experience, this kind of conversation does not lead to an epiphany of the “egads, you’re right, I’ve been a slug, I shall change my ways!” magnitude. My version of the conversation would go more along the lines of “SlugBrother, my husband and I are here to talk to you about your situation. This is our home and while we do feel bad about all the crap that’s befallen you, it’s time to pick up the pace and get moving. You’ve shown absolutely zero effort in making a change for the better, and while we’d love to help you in any way that we can, we’re not doing you any favors by giving your ass a place to sit all day. You need to take tomorrow and find a job – any job – and begin making the effort to fix your situation. We’re glad to give you a place to stay tonight and tomorrow night, but I’m afraid that’s all.”
Kick your slug-brother-in-law AND your husband out the door…