Well, as some of you know, I am officially running for president, against the likes of Tripler, SPOOFE, and Shirley Ujest. I recognize that I may not have as much notoriety as my esteemed opponents, and so I am starting this thread as my campaign tour.
By doing this, I hope to build up popularity by giving speeches, kissing babies, and having wild crazy parties involving many scandals, cause admit it, everybody loves a scandal, no?
So, c’mon out, ask questions, say high, and bring your interns, cause I’m gonna be a different type of candidate. I plan to represent all of YOU, the dopers, and all of your needs, as well as making an ass of myself for your entertainment.
Where do you stand on this issue? Should American businesses be required to provide registered members of the SDMB with high-quality computers and the privacy to read/post to the SDMB at their choosing?
Should registered members of the SDMB be given substantially higher incomes and lower taxes because of their affiliation with the SDMB?
If elected, would you be willing to host a mammoth Straight Dope gathering at the White House? Would you fly all of us in/feed us/house us and basically provide whatever we want?
Would you demonstrate your loyalty to the SDMB by installing members of the SDMB in both houses of the government?
Can I light that cigar for you? (oops, did I type that out loud?)
Alrighty, I shall now lay down some of my stances on numerous points of interest among Dopers.
To answer struuter’s questions, I can only give one answer. Screw the benefits. When I am president, the SDMB members won’t have to ask for throwbacks from the government. They’ll BE the government. After all, we’re the least ignorant people in the US, right?
To make absolutely SURE that we continue to be the least ignorant people in the US, though, I will put together a crack troll-hunting team, whose main function will be to get really boozed up, go out in a pickup truck with a crapload of guns, and nail any ugly trolls before they become a problem.
To ensure that no invasions by the trolls friends occur, ala CD Milk, all trolls will be tranqued, tagged, and let loose into the wild. They’ll then be tracked back to their foul lair, where the troll-hunters can wipe out the whole lot of em.
The whitehouse will be changed to the mad-freaky-psychadelic-house, painted multi-colors, and dedicated solely to the purpose of partying with all kinds of alcohol and contraband.
The aforementioned contraband will be made free to the public, no questions asked.
6)I will fix my spelling, just for little*bit. My stance on the drug policy seems pretty clear, though.
7)Right said fred’s wife will be told that yes, ANY name with Jester in it is good, and she should promptly allow a name change.
And lastly, as the issue of Regis Philbin becomes more and more heated, I offer my stance. Regis will not only be killed, but killed in style. He will be strapped into an electric chair, and forced to answer a series of inane trivia questions with the aid of only three lifelines. One wrong answer, and bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…Problem solved.
Well, that’s my stance so far. As more questions arise, I’ll address em, and I’ll post more issues as I think of them. Also, I’ll be sure to represent all my SDMB homies in the debate on Monday.
Hey, I still don’t see any pandering here. Without specific instances of personal gratification I’m having trouble differentiating between the candidates.
Jester, I need my lawn mowed and a new roof put on my house…
To make absolutely SURE that we continue to be the least ignorant people in the US, though, I will put together a crack troll-hunting team, whose main function will be to get really boozed up, go out in a pickup truck with a crapload of guns, and nail any ugly trolls before they become a problem.
And it has always been my unfulfilled dream to be the President In Charge of Vice.
I cannot put myself forward as a running mate and I think that it is most unfair that you are awarding privileges to the American members of this board. Therefore I have come up with a solution. If you become president, all non- American members of this board can come and work in embassies in Anerica where we can all have a massive PARTY!
I will also help with your PR abroad so you will not be thought as a laughing stock across the world. Not that we would think that of course, never in a million years … mmmfffhahahahahhahahaha… terribly sorry, I seem to be having a coughing fit… mmmmffhahahahahhahahahahhahah
filthy, I likes your style. You’re in. Let it be announced that the ticket shall read Jester/Filthy for the year 2000! And nadin, get some water, boy, you’re gonna have to get rid of that cough in order to be effective as my head of foreign Doper affairs.
I am humbled and honored to be your running mate and to continue the endless struggle against ignorance shoulder to shoulder with the courageous warriors of your noble-and -soon-to-conquer-the-infidel administration.
I think there’s something in the Constitution about not letting sixteen year old priest impersonators run for president. I’ll have to look that one up.
