I would think something like a wrecking bar would be good. It has length, weight and sharpish. It might not be that easy to hold though.
I really wanted to go classic cartoon style and use an anvil, but they aren’t sold in stores.
Having never been in a fight I don’t think any weapon would much help me. The machetes I’ve always bought were quite dull, I don’t think an off the shelf one would be that great. Then again I could have just gotten unlucky with the ones I’ve bought.
Yes, but does it make sense to compare a martial battle with 2->1 hand-to-hand combat? In a battle, there are thousands of them and thousands of you, and the generals do not give a leap about what happens to you personally, or even what happens to any of them. A battle could in theory be won with no fatalities on the other side, as long as the losing army is left unable to fight.
As to the cable, it does have definite advantages. You have two ends you can swing, meaning one blow could be immediately followed by another with no backswing delay. It renders the chainsaw inoperable pretty quickly, leaves the long-tool fighter struggling to hold on to their weapon, whips around the door, and could damage the pressure washer before it can slice you to ribbons. And it can do some really nice lacerating, what with that square-cut end.
Probably a length of ~#4 rebar. Jab to the face or a swing is easily going to disable. Easy to defend with, light enough to not be extremely fatiguing.
I think that anyone fighting with a sledge is going to get murdered really easily. Super hard to defend with and if you don’t maim with your first, lumbering, swing you’re open to a counter attack.
A pressure washer is pretty interesting. I’m not sure how quickly it’d disable though. If someone with a machete or pitchfork or whatever charges you, is that really going to stop them before they hack you? Sure, they might lose a nice chunk of flesh, but if you’re impaled that’s no consolation.
I would have to agree with others that this is an absolutely terrible idea and you are probably going to die (I mean, granted, by default we start at a better than 50% chance of any contestant dying, but I’ll put your chances at 98%.) As has been pointed out, thousands of armies across as many cultures throughout history have sought to arm fighting men for melee combat prior to the invention of machines and gunpoweder, and I cannot think of a single example of one eschewing polearms, swords, or maces for… a rope.
Remember that the person you are fighting is the same age, gender, and general physical capability as you, and if you have the fighting skills of River Tam, which I am guessing you do not, you will be matched against a person who also has extensive skill in martial arts. They are also presumably not especially stupid, When you move in close to bop them on the ear or try your rope trick, they’re going to be trying to hit you with a hammer or an axe.
As eschereal points out there are differences between fighting in a large group and fighting individually; in groups the spear and polearm has always been the main weapon of melee combat. But in cultures and situations were individual combat was a valuable skill, people still didn’t go for a metal rope; it usually ended up being a sword.
QUOTE=Edward the Head]Having never been in a fight I don’t think any weapon would much help me. The machetes I’ve always bought were quite dull, I don’t think an off the shelf one would be that great. Then again I could have just gotten unlucky with the ones I’ve bought.
[/QUOTE]
I don’t think a machete really needs to be very sharp to serve an an good weapon. If you hit someone if the head full on with a “dull” machete, they will, at best, be very badly hurt; you will certainly cause a very bad cut, stun them, and possibly fracture the skull.
I could see steel cable as a whipping weapon but I’m skeptical that it would wrap around anything in the same manner as a leather whip would. It’s listed as “semi-flexible” which reinforces my belief. So you’d pretty much just have a distance slashing weapon and, once someone got inside it, you’d be screwed. Not much use for binding weapons unless you want to get in kissing range of the business end and try to wrap cable around it.
Trying to wrap the limb of someone close to you with it is just anchoring someone next to you… who is holding a machete/axe/hammer/etc.
A pressure washer is very intriguing to me. One on hand, I can see it being epically hard to charge, because you’re going to be in pain any time you’re within 10 or 12 feet, and extreme pain as you get closer. Plus a point blank shot to the eyes would probably blind you and possibly kill you.
On the other hand, it would be pretty easy to disable if you got inside, but damned if I’d wanna pay that price. Even if you won, you’d look like you’d been flayed alive.
Other thoughts-
The wasp spray idea would be effective, but dangerous, since you’d have limited ‘ammo’ and would have to strangle someone out by hand if you did score a hit. Depends on how debilitating it would be if someone took a face full of it. My guess is it would be extremely debilitating and they would lay there and beg you to kill them. Probably a winner, provided you don’t waste it. This actually might be the thread winner, because chasing someone around a small room while they sprayed poison in your face would fucking suck.
A length of towing chain would be intimidating, with excess length coiled around your off forearm to provide a shield. Its probably a loser, but again, damned intimidating.
To go along with the door/defensive ideas, how about a set of chain saw safety clothing. Pretty lame, but you get a helmet, face shield, goggles and cut proof chaps. I guess it depends how much clothing you get to start with as to how big of an advantage it would be. Probably a loser, but it would flip the script against a lot of cutting/spraying weapons.
30’ x 30’ isn’ really a big enough arena for thrown weapons; if it were 60’ X 60’ or larger, I personally would be inclined to go with 30 lbs of cute white beach pebbles or a 50 pack of circular saw blades. I know you’re not going to cut someone’s head off with a thrown circular saw blade, but damned if dodging/parrying a bunch of death frisbees wouldn’t get the old pulse pounding. Plus if you open the bag of rocks correctly, you get a free hillbilly mace.
Machetes are too short/light and aren’t even good for stabbing in a clinch; axes and sledges are too head heavy for quick recovery. A big framing hammer or hatchet is intriguing, but again, it would hard to play defense with one. A chainsaw would obviously be scary as hell, but I’m thinking its pretty easy to dodge and a shot to the blade/bar with anything heavy would disable it pretty easily…
Rules being what they are, I’d go with either 3’ or 4’ piece of good old galvanized pipe, probably 1/2" diameter, on the theory that it gives you the best chance against the field.
Good offensive weapon, balanced so you’d recover from misses fairly quickly, big enough to parry the longer arms and get inside, but still small enough that you’d get at least one good shot in against any sort of bull rush. The biggest weakness would be against the sprayed/torch weapons, but everyone is going to a pay a price to charge those, and something smallish would let you cover the ground quickly…
It was Incensed, in the Thunderdome, with the pipe…
My original thought was to buy a 12-pack, which is for sale at Home Depot, which would give you enough wasp spray to drown you both if you wanted. But I don’t know if that’s allowed any longer (the 12-pack, not the drowning). I wouldn’t want to just have a single can.
I felt the opposite when I was in Home Depot – the machetes felt like they’d throw me off balance with a miss. I liked the brush axe I linked because it seemed to give me the benefit of the machete without the additional weight. Felt like I could swing it for a while but not so light that it wouldn’t inflict some real damage.
In the era of “everyone gets a trophy” maybe we should have everyone that participates get a million bucks 
I wonder how much size plays into this? I’m (male) 6 feet, 215 lbs (unfortunately), and I’ve never lifted a machete that inspired any confidence. Most of them seem to come in around/under 24" and fairly flimsy.
A 3 ’ piece of 1/2" galvanized pipe weighs about 2.33 pounds and is roughly the size of a large baseball bat or a small sword. I think I’d gladly choose that over this machete that comes in at 24" and 1.4 pounds.
It just seems like a machete isn’t good for anything to me. I’ve never liked the things. They’re designed for slashing, but are too short/light to stay on the outside and do that versus similar HDT weapons.
For another comparison point, this is what I grew up calling a brush ax (actually a Kaiser Blade! Who knew?) The smallest one I’ve ever seen was roughly 5’ long, and I’d be inclined to choose it over at least one of the axes you linked.
Of course, all of this is theoretical; I might jump to the other side of the fence (for a smaller/quicker weapon) in short order if there were a way to try this out without, you know, dying.
First off, while weight is very useful for damage when it connects, it is very disadvantageous for scoring that striking blow, and hugely disadvantageous if that blow misses. Plus, if the other me is carrying a sledgehammer and I’m carrying a machete, I’m pretty confident I can wear him down a bit before we actually move in for battle.
Also, the folding shovel story directly contradicts your weight is key component argument. Folding shovels, while not exactly light, are not particularly heavy either. They are intended for backpacking, so they are made as light as possible to still be sturdy and reasonably cheap.
No, I’m aware that running and slamming my opponent into the walls are options. Heck, so are fisticuffs. But if I get to pick a tool to use to aid me in my survival, I’m going to use what I know to get something the most effective for my survival. That includes protection as well as attacks.
I’ll join the chorus of the others to suggest your plan of running around and then scampering in for a quick strike is flawed. It has some merit against someone lugging around a door or polearm, but you can’t count on them not getting a blow in that doesn’t come from their main weapon when you run in. They swing their axe, you then race in to bop them on the ear and the kick you in the knee. DOH!
Also, steel wire is not as flexible as you seem to think. You need some significant weight on the end to make it into a flailing tool that can wrap around anything. Pulling it tight to make your handles will also require some way to tie it off.
And we never got a call on how much prep time we’re given with our tool. What if you get your one 25 ft length, but have to do all the cutting and coiling once you’re in the room and the attack has commenced?
While that would be a bit scary, I’m reasonably confident I could defeat it without a tool of my own, nevermind if I get a tool, too.
Look, I’m not saying a lot of these ideas wouldn’t be useful as a last ditch, impromptu defense against a zombie attack. But I get a few moments to strategize, and I get to pick what I think is most effective, not just what is handy.
Instead of thinking of grand melee, or regimental fighting, think about duels. Think what knights used or duelists used.
Although there is a slight complication in that people didn’t have the ability to make steel wire when those combats were commonplace. Steel wire is better than a mere rope. For one thing, assuming you make a good handle, it can be used as a blocking tool against a blade. Just stretch tight between your hands.
Certainly it could be useful in tangling a chainsaw blade, but I don’t think you’re going to get good wrap around for tying up or disarming someone with a blade, axe, or polearm.
While I appreciate the simplicity, I feel any option where a piece of rebar will work there are other, better options.
Like I said, it’s probably like pepper spray, in that if you get it in your eyes they are going to be stinging like mad, and if you’re not used to fighting through pain, that can distract and disorient you long enough for your opponent to get the upper hand. Breathing it in would not be great, either, as it will cause a coughing fit, which tends to be disabling. Try doing something effectively the next time you get in a coughing fit.
However, if you commit to running in at speed and not breathing, you might get through the zone and into range of your own weapon, at which point you finish them off, then cough your self silly and cry your eyes out to your hearts’ content, knowing you survived.
Maybe if I knew my opponent was going to use the wasp spray, I would pick safety goggles - the chemical kind.
Towing chain is too heavy to carry long.
Machetes aren’t ideal as weapons, they tend to have thin flat blades. But you’re not really expecting to take an axe strike straight down on the blade. It doesn’t take a very sharp blade to do significant damage when swung hard. And all machetes have at least a bit of a point, certainly enough to impale someone. A bar of rebar can impale someone when used properly.
OP did not prohibit use of my extant training – 38 years of martial arts including Tai Chi, Judo, Iaijutsu, Jojutsu, and Tang Soo Do (including miscellaneous weapon training) not to mention some Western arts that won’t be applicable here. I know very well how to stay just out of reach – which will be part of the antagonistic strategy – and I’ll take my time to be extra sure my opponent is truly fatigued. The cable will just be the last gruesome coup de gras. If I don’t see a way to easily get it looped around something, I won’t make the mistake of trying.
My point is that I’d rather use something light, easy to carry, and not very obvious. And I don’t want to get caught up in focusing on the tool rather than the fight. Regardless of what weapons I do or don’t possess, the fight is against a person – and primarily his/her mind; the contents of my opponents hands are just an extension thereof.
To be sure, though, a 1/16" cable is definitely not a blocking weapon. :smack:
–G!
I did forget about the premise that I’d be fighting my doppleganger. That would seriously suck; he knows my strategy! I was writing with the premise that I’d be up against one of the prior responders and their chosen weapons.:mad:
–G!
I’d think the wasp spray strategy is to aim for an eye shot at 15-20’, and at 10’ dodge out of the way and run around like a freakin coward for thirty seconds or so. If you get a face shot in, that person is going to have to start hacking up a lung within a few seconds, which is gonna slow them down; I don’t think it’s the sort of thing that you recover from quickly. Once the person’s head comes up, give them another squirt or two. Try to get their weapon from them, and then they’re unarmed and coughing, and you’ve got a weapon in your hand.
This article on Snopes casts some doubt on the efficacy of wasp spray, however.
It’s IOW unclear what the effects would be. Other articles advise against its use as a substitute for pepper spray, but generally the evidence that it’s illegal is stronger than the evidence that it wouldn’t work.
Someone who didn’t know your strategy, but had your same fighting chops, would have no problem taking you down if all you had was a not-very-flexible rope. I advise you to get a sparring partner of equal skill, and see if they can bop you on the noggin with a 3’ stick before you can wrap a length of knitting yarn (or the substitute of your choice) around their arm.
And even if you weren’t fighting against your doppelganger, even against an inferior opponent you’d be better off with a decent weapon than with an inferior one.
Did we get a ruling on my choice of a pickup truck, or does the fact that they’re only rented, not sold, disqualify them?
But the beauty of the Bee Spray thing as that you have great range and defensive capabilities with unlimited mobility.
You act as if you just bull rush through to the Sprayer and end the fight, but the Sprayer would be staying away from you AND spraying poison in your face every time you even tried to look them.
It would be a damned nightmare, so long as it lasted.
On preview, what Left Hand of Dorkness said…
The size I linked weighs 0.8 pounds per foot. A large man could carry 10 feet very easily, with 6 or 8 feet in play and the rest wrapped up in brass knuckle fashion.
Not a weapon I’d choose, but not one I’d want to face either.
Well, I didn’t fight in WW2 so I think I would need a little more heft behind my attacks than a battle hardened soldier in his physical prime.
Well, this is pretty key, really. If your opponent picks first, you get the chance to choose the ideal counter-weapon. So, it must either be go in blind, or the first half of the battle involves the two of you shopping side by side, trying to fake/psych each other out. That would certainly be an interesting twist.
However, if your opponent is going to try to pressure-wash you to hamburger, that flat blade is useful: you can use it to divert or break up the spray (held at an oblique angle for agility and less pressure to fight). A shovel might work for that as well. The bigger problem is that once the the sprayer is exhausted of fluid, now the two of you are standing in 900 square feet of water (or mud).
Well, sure. You get a million bucks to buy one thing at the hardware store. Whatever is left over you get to keep – for the rest of your life, perhaps.
I’m well aware of the strategy. I still argue that charging is your counter strategy. Unless you think you can get them to fire off and miss multiple times without closing in?
I’m not convinced by they arguments it is illegal. It is a self defense situation, and you are not trying to poison the person, you are trying to use the same kind of irritation that the pepper sprays provide.
However, the lack of effectiveness argument is pretty strong. Video shows a guy take a blast of pepper spray in the face and its effect, then a blast of wasp spray and its effect. Compare for yourself.
I’ve handled chain like that. While it is easy to carry, it isn’t as easy to twirl to make a weapon. For a length of 8 feet, try twirling and see 1) how fast you can spin it, and 2) how long you can keep it up.
Plus, all I have to do is block a swing with my machete out toward the end of your range, then grab the chain. Now you can’t swing it at me, and while you have a loop around your fist as a brass knuckle, you have to contend with my machete. Plus, you can’t run away.
But that’s the point - the more heft to the tool, the harder it is to put on target and to recover from a missed strike. You commit yourself to an all out swing, I lean out of range, then dive in before you can get the motion moving the other direction.
And yes, I have practiced that kind of thing in martial arts class against an attacker with a stick, using a lightweight training “stick”* to boot. Even without a machete, I’m going to get the upper hand. With a machete, you are toast.
*Basically a 2 foot length of foam piping insulation or a pool noodle. Even without the momentum of a heavy club to control, I can get my opponent to commit and then close and pin their arms or whatever.
I’m definitely leaning toward thinking it’s not super-effective–but that video is made by a pepper-spray company, and may not be the most reliable.