delphica raises some good points, and I think a couple of other people may have mentioned this as well.
As it happened, the very first suggestion from Friend was for Friend to travel to visit the married couple. This suggestion was eventually turned down by all parties involved for a variety of reasons. As for the timing, there was no weekend in the forseeable future where both halves of the married couple would be available for travel.
These are not necessarily justifications. But just know that the other options were on the table before the married person traveling alone was put forth.
My feelings about this are pretty much exactly like Diogenes’. My husband and I have so little time together and with the kids as it is, there is no way either one of us could justify it. I have one friend who lives out of state who I think we would both consider important enough for me to do something like this for, but the problem she was having would have to be pretty dire.
The fact that it’s a preferred-sex friend only pushes it further into the “no way” category. I trust my husband absolutely, and part of the reason I do is because he wouldn’t be dumb enough to put himself into a situation like this.
It’s possible I might suggest that Friend come to us, as a person who has had a string of bad events can often benefit from getting out of the area for a while. And Friend would certainly get more coddling from both of us than from either of us.
However, I assume Friend can’t do that, maybe because of the accident, let’s say.
If I have correctly understood the scenario – that the invitation was to both of us but I can’t make it because of my stuff – then sure, of course he should go without me (assuming also that he wants to go). Assuming always that the kids’ stuff doesn’t mean he needs to stay here, but that doesn’t happen all that often.
I can’t imagine asking a person who has just had an accident and lost their job to pay for travel, nor even allowing them to do it unless they were independently wealthy. But it doesn’t affect the answer to the question.
It would depend on the friend, but in general no it wouldn’t bother me at all if my SO did that. He has a couple of friends that I just really don’t like but that doesn’t have much bearing on my overall feeling on the subject.
I don’t maintain a very large circle of friends, but I would be there to do anything I can for the ones I have and thankfully my SO respects that and has no problem with it.
Perhaps if one’s spouse has a tendency to get drunk and into unfortunate interpersonal circumstances, or can’t say “no,” I’d incline more toward a stance of “only if we both go.” Perhaps if the friend had a habit of this sort of behavior, my response would be different. However, I’m not answering universally or hypothetically. I’m answering from the experience of both myself and my actual spouse when friends ran into difficulties similar to the OP. Our friends would not ask either of us to come unless it were important. This assertion is based on past experience. Perhaps part of the issue is what is meant by “friend.” I mean an intimate friend, not an acquaintance.
I agree completely with this. While we do go on short trips without each other–I’m spending the weekend away and taking the kids–those are few and far between. It has to be something pretty big.
I said above that scenarios like this are just not part of our marriage deal. We don’t spend lots of time alone with members of the opposite sex, period. And then there’s a lot of talk about trust on this thread, implying that only couples who don’t trust each other would have such a rule. But it’s really not about trust. I trust my husband, he’s one of the best men I know–that’s why I married him. But we also know that we are human beings, and human beings are never 100% mistake-proof and invulnerable to temptation. That’s just how it is. Because we know this, we have made the decision never to put ourselves into situations where it’s possible to become vulnerable in the first place. It seems simple common sense to us.
Anyway, I can’t write more just now, so will have to cut off mid-post.
I don’t mean to be snarky here, but you must have a different definition of what ‘trust’ is then I do. It sounds like you are saying you trust him—under conditions. If you truly trust him, NO temptation should sway him. Isn’t that what you mean by trust-- you are confidant that he will not betray you, period. You either trust him or you don’t. Otherwise where/how do you draw the line? Lunch with a woman is okay? But only if she has a suit on–no dress? No cleavage–or you will be tempted?
Not placing yourself in the a position to be vulnerable to begin with is an understandable position. But in my opinion that also implies that there is an issue of trust as well.
As I understood Dio and Sarahfeena it was the children thing–they didn’t bring up trust issues–not wanting to leave your children and not having the time because of said children seems reasonable.
To me, it’s not just about trust, it’s what I consider to be an appropriate relationship for a married person. Let’s face it, everyone has a line where they draw what is appropriate and what’s not. Take your list above a little further…Lunch with a woman is okay? What about dinner? What about an overnight visit? What about an hour in a hotel room naked? If I trust him, isn’t that OK? See, it’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s that at a certain point I would wonder why he would want to do a particular activity with another woman if there wasn’t anything going on. I think flying across the country to comfort someone seems like a pretty emotionally intimate situation, and it doesn’t seem quite kosher to me. Even if nothing sexual happened, even that deep of a relationship between opposite-sex individuals is a litte TOO close.
No I see and agree with your point. I truly doubt I would be happy if my wife wanted to spend an hour naked next to another guy
But would you have the same issue if he was flying across the country to see a guy friend (not the naked thing!)?
I will use my life as the example. My wife lived as a lesbian for many years before I met her, she is now happily married to me. She loves to go with her friends to get massages, facials, all that girly stuff–and you get way naked at these places as I understand it. Some of the friends are straight and some are lesbians.
Am I to not allow her to have any other friends male or female because she might be tempted and stray? I either have to trust her or drive myself insane thinking of all the possible temptations that are out there. In my situation I have both sexes to worry about!
I trust her and recognize that people can control their hormones and nothing is going to happen.
However if I see a pattern of behavior that indicates something else, then things are different. Maybe it is just that I am not a jealous type of guy and I figure if she is happier elsewhere, oh well. I will move on. I know what I have to offer and I am a damn good catch (if I do say so myself) and if she feels she can do better elsewhere, so be it. But I know my wife loves me madly (and I love her even more madly) and I trust her! (Hi honey if you read this!)
Well, as I said, a big part of the question for me would be “why?” I don’t think that women being in situations where women are naturally naked with one another is a big deal, even if they are gay. (An example of this would be, as you say, a spa…although I have to let you know as a woman, that you don’t spend a lot of time just being naked in those places…they usually have you wrapped up in robes or towels.) It’s not about protecting someone from every possible temptation…heck, my husband travels for work all the time…he could fall in love with…or just have a one-nighter with…someone he meets in the hotel bar. I have no way of controlling that, and I’m not about to worry about it…that’s where trust comes in. The point I was making was that this is a situation where not only would he be alone with her, but they are already good friends, and she is emotionally vulnerable. That all adds up to a situation that doesn’t seem like a good one to be in.
I do see your point. I was actually talking to my wife this morning about this thread and she would be uncomfortable with the idea of me doing this and seeing some woman friend. I think the line where you state ‘emotionally vulnerable’ is the key for her as well.
Just to be perfectly clear, trust is absolutely not the issue for us. Massive inconvenience and family priorities are the issue. When we were in our 20’s and didn’t have kids, this would have been a lot less of an issue. We both had preferred-sex friends back then that we knew before we knew each other and neither of us thought anything of the other going to dinner with one of them or even going out of town to hang with them for a night. There was never any suspicion or doubt about each other, but I think it probably helped that none of those friends were exes or were anyone either of us had ever had slept with. That probably would have bugged.
Our circumstances are just different now. We can’t just drop everything to go babysit a friend through any kind of non-life threatening personal crisis. It would be the same for a same-sex friend as opposite (the potential for an emotionally charged, recently dumped, opposite sex friend making a play for something on the rebound gives the scenario a little extra edge, though, not because of any lack of trust by either of us but just because of the ickiness of it).