This morning. 6:29 a.m., one minute before my alarm went off, the ass-monkey pulled up in his car across the street and leaned on his horn till my neighbor came out to be picked up for work. This has gone on for more than a week—always between 6:30–7:00. Today I managed to stagger to the window and shriek like a fishwife at them (all I lacked were haircurlers and a rolling pin).
Sadly, I do not own a gun, or even a Super-Soaker, and the offender is too far from my window for projectile-throwing purposes. So this note is going into my neighbor’s mailbox tonight:
“To the Early-Morning Horn-Honker: Please tell your ride not to honk his horn when he picks you up between 6:30–7:00 in the morning. He is disturbing the entire neighborhood. Either wait for your ride outside, or have him get out of his car and ring your doorbell like a human being. Thanks—Your tired, cranky neighbors.”
Sneak out in the middle of the night and place a few caltrops next to the curb in front of your neighbors house. Not far enough out to get passing traffic, but right where they will puncture the tires of Mr. Hornblower. Arise to your alarm, and witness the carnage. Smile into your coffee, and be sure to wave as you leave for work.
Horatio doesn’t even pull up to the curb. He slows down in the middle of the street and honks and honks and honks.
What the hell goes through someone’s “mind” when he blasts a horn at that ungodly hour? If it’s loud enough to attract the attention of the person you’re picking up, it’s loud enough to awaken and disturb everyone in a two-block radius.
A delicious phantasy, Silenus, but planting caltrops could have severe consequences. Might result in some heavy retaliatory measures.
My son had the same problem. He ended up getting into the honkers face, letting him know exactly what he would do with the bat he held in his hand the very next time the honker woke him up.
At about ten minutes before Horatio normally arrives, go get in your car and lay on the horn. Be sure to stop and hide when you neighbor rushes out. Everyone will think it’s Horatio. Surely, he will come a-honking and doubly raise the ire of the neighborhood.
If you need to borrow another “fuck”, you can use this one.
FUCK.
I’d do my best to mess up the neighbor’s day. You could go out there AT NIGHT and start honking so he jumps out of bed thinking he’s late to work. Then he’ll be all sleepy-faced and won’t get up on time, and then he’ll be runnin’ around like his ass is on fire, looking for his pants, trying to gulp his coffee, etc. Then you can watch him do a Dagwood Bumstead Dash (sorry, no mailman will be available for this stunt). In the meantime, you’ve iced his walkway over just enough to make him slip and land on his keester. This will probably make him late to work. And on and on…
There once was a kid who use to roll up to his GF’s place and do the same. After all reasonable discussion with the lad proved fruitless I devised a plan! 3-Story townhouse, open windows on 2nd story, remove screens, prepare water balloons, fire at will! It worked!!
I used to live in an apartment complex where EVERY NIGHT several assholes would come rolling in, at any hour, with music BLARING. I was ready to get a sniper rifle by the time I moved.
Perhaps you could organize a neighborhood welcome wagon of sorts and inform the honkee that if the honkor does not cease and desist forthwith, you and your associates will be forced to take more drastic measures, including but not limited to, removal of the honkor’s honking device and insertion of same in the fundament of the honkee. Close with a big smile, and tell him to have a nice day whilst tapping the palm of your hand with an aluminum softball bat.
Fuckity fuck fuck, fuckity fuck fuck, look at Frosty go…
