I don’t think it would be terrible to get the Schnapps for him, but he must know which are the more and less functional aspects of his personality/character. It would probably be a more generally warming (more warming, even, than peppermint Schnapps) experience for him to receive a gift that says you see the functional and creative aspects of who he is, even past his more obvious, and drunk, aspect. I’d play to the woodworking notes in the overall bouquet of who he is.
olives–check your PMs.
A Christmas gift isn’t going to make or break the habits of a lifetime and a gift isn’t the way to express displeasure or to make a point. That said, there most be other things in this man’s life than drinking(?).
If you can’t think of anything else and feel like you need to go the booze angle, I would suggest some nice Schnapps glasses. You many not be able to stop him from drinking but you can bring a little class to the exercise.
I see that you, and others who have expressed this sentiment here, are absolutely right. I talked it over with a neutral 3rd party, too. Giving him alcohol would be accepting the alcoholic behavior, not accepting the person he is, which includes being an alcoholic (if that makes any sense.) I can see now that I still have some healing to do about this. I really appreciate the advice and education here.
I am not an alcoholic, the child of alcoholics, or the child of a more-than normally-disfunctional family, so I can only give you my outsider’s opinion.
This is wrong-thinking, in my opinion. Just because your step-father turned out to be abusive doesn’t make it wrong that you had your dad’s parental rights terminated. He abandoned you. It’s great that you’re reconnecting and all, but don’t gloss over the fact that he chose booze over you. You had a right to be angry and look for another father figure. Losing you may have been traumatic for him, but it was a self-inflicted trauma. Don’t let it break your heart that you tried to move on. What were you supposed to do, sit by the door like a faithful dog year after year while he chose not to be there? Don’t buy into that guilt - free yourself from his (justifiable) regrets at his own failings and be proud of how you’ve managed to salvage a life for yourself. Love and forgive him as best you can - it’s healthier for you.
As for the gift, I’m glad you’re not getting him the booze. Accepting that he’s an alcoholic is different than embracing that part of him.
Again, take all this with a huge grain of salt.
StG
Yeah, I don’t get the gift either. I suppose you could get him a hunk of nice wood to whittle…or maybe porn?
For a second I had a wild thought that getting him the booze would produce a moment of epiphany in your father. That, in some kind of ironic way, it would show him that you dont condone the drinking but that you love him despite it. In turn this could lead to a resolution to stop drinking. He would think, “you got me… booze. You know about my drinking problem, and you dont condone it, but you love me and want me to be happy anyway? Oh, what a fool I’ve been!” On the other hand, maybe he’ll think that you only think of him as an alcoholic, not as a person, and the booze gift will just make matters worse…
Upon further reading, I think the above line of thinking is rather disingenuous, and that gift-giving should be designed to appreciate and love the other person, not hope to produce some kind of effect on them. Also, I think my line of thinking was overly imaginative to begin with.
I still feel an emotional pull inside me rooting for the first option, a small voice saying “wouldn’t that be nice.” It’s a conflict between my heart and my head I suppose. I guess if you think my first option is likely to happen, then maybe it’s a good idea. If it’s not, then the woodworking idea is much much better.
In any case, don’t beat yourself up over it! It’s not an easy choice,and you’re acting very thoughtfully and maturely. Your father is lucky to have you as a daughter.
Awesome magazine for tinkerers
If you feel that you really want to get him an alcohol-related gift as a way of saying you accept that this is part of who he is, how about some nice shot glasses or hot cocoa to pour his Schnapps into or something? Something that you know he’ll use, but that he could use for nonalcoholic enjoyment as well?