So tonight some men from my church came over to check on me and the kids since my husband is out of town. Everything was going well until my two year old daughter walks in holding a set of handcuffs that my husband and I use during “play,” no big deal, I can play that one off. I’m a security guard, I have a license to carry them. It’s an awkward moment but pretty soon it’s forgotten. Sensing that she did not shock the way she had wanted to my little angel went off looking for something more fun to show our guests. She found it, she walks in carrying my vibrator. She turns it on then puts it on the coffee table. Everyone including myself has been stunned into silence by this point. My face has turned 50 different shades of red. I decide quickly that the best course of action is to grab the damn thing, turn it off, hide it and pretend it was never there. So the guys start making excuses to leave and since I had offered them cookies, we all drift towards the kitchen where my daughter is now laying in the floor. She’s covered the floor with tampons and lubricating liquid. Graceful as always am, I promptly slip and slide half way across the floor. What falls out of my pocket but the vibrator. It slides and bounces off the cabinet and lands right at the feet of my preacher. In 20 short minutes I go from sweet innocent MamaHen dealing with two small angelic children while her husband is away to wild handcuffing owner of a 7 inch purple vibrator. I can’t really remember what I said before they ran for the door but I think I claimed it belonged to my husband.
Now before you think I am stupid for letting my daughter have access to these personal items you should know that they were upstairs in the bathroom. A gate blocks the top and bottom of the stairs and there’s a childproof lock on the bathroom door. So how did she get past two locked gates and a childproof door? I don’t know. I do know that both the gates were still locked when I went upstairs to put the items back up but the bathroom door was open. She has never before been able to get past the gates so I have no idea how she managed this time.
So after all this I called my Mom thinking she would understand and be horrified for me. Nope, she burst out laughing so hard she dropped the phone and didn’t pick it up for about 5 minutes and when she did she was out of breath and still giggling. She swears she’s going to put wanted posters of me all over saying have you seen this vibrator’s owner? She’s a sick woman. So I called my husband and told him what happened. Surely the love of my life, my soulmate and lover will understand. Nope he laughed then accused me of letting the kids play with these things. Now I admit that most the time I am a warped person but no so warped as to let my small children play with my vibrator!!! The man is insane. Besides, they would wear my batteries out! So I have found no sympathy from family or loved ones, I decided to bring my tale to the teeming millions to see if someone out there can sympathize or at least understand.
I understand but I’ll be damned if I didn’t laugh my ass of from this.
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
That may be the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time!
You have my condolences, though. If I can ever stop laughing long enough to give them to you! 
This might be Reason #2 Why Moi Doesn’t Have Church Friends…
I was doing fine, reading along, being sympathetic and all that, until I read that line. I lost it. Probably woke my neighbors up in the process of laughing until tears ran down my face.
MamaHen, I’m sorry for your embarrassment, but snicker the mental images that came along with “tampons and lubricating liquid” were just too much to take.
See, this might be Reason #1 Why I don’t have church friends anymore!
I thank you all for the understanding. The laughter I can handle. I actually got the giggles last night cleaning the floors. I had the insane urge just to strip down and roll around on the slippery floors but with my luck someone would have seen me.
Wow, that absolutely sucks. :)I thoguht it was embarassing enough when my mom, in an attempt to catch my bunny rabbit, moved my mattress aside to reveal the vibrator I’d forgotten I shoved underneith long before. She called me a pervert! LOL, course, a few months later, I found her lubed up vibrator, a box of condoms, and her porn shots on my computer…had I not been puking, I would’ve loved to throw that back in he face!