No, you’re reading it correctly. Sorry, it’s been a bit hectic around here lately and I probably didn’t make that as clear as I could have.
Oops. Well, I withdraw much of my sympathy. Those hours aren’t a lot worse than most people. Some people in the Bay Area have 2 hour commutes each way in order to get an affordable house.
Maybe they should move to Australia then. 
If I drive for 2 hours out of town, the only traffic I’m likely to see are 4WDs & Utes with UHF antennae and 'Roo Bars on them, the odd truck, and people on scenic drives. But then, that’s true of most places in Australia except for Sydney and Melbourne.
Haven’t read all the thread yet, but this part jumped out at me:
The way people think they’re going to feel v. the way they actually feel once the circumstance comes up can be two entirely different things.
My husband did a 180 re: his expectations of me after the twins were born, and we’d already been married for 16 years. I thought this shit was worked out. All of a sudden he wants this Ozzy and Harriet lifestyle, which I was NEVER anything near before, and DON’T want to be now.
It’s kind of funny how people assume that if one is a SAHM they’ve got all the domestic stuff down. It doesn’t actually work that way. I was a lousy housewife before I got pregnant, but it didn’t matter because I always worked and we had low standards. Well, I’m still a lousy housekeeper now. Those career moms on Wife Swap who go to the SAHMs house always say they’d lose their everloving minds if this was their entire life; very true in my experience. It’s a vastly different skill set.
Anyway, I have a couple of quick suggestions – first, as others have said, you really can’t take responsibility for saving anyone else’s marriage. All you can do is enable it to limp along. This may well kill it. Happens ALL the time.
Second, however, is unless she loves to cook, she should start buying heat-n-eat entrees. There’s LOTS of stuff out there that you basically just stick in the oven or microwave — boil some rice to go with and open up a bag of pre-shredded salad, voila, there’s dinner.
Third, they probably need to de-clutter the house. If they’re like most of the couples that I’ve met, they’ve got way too many toys and too much stuff in general. Put half the toys in bins and store them, it’s much easier to clean that way. Keep ONE room a toy-free zone, like the living room perhaps. Much easier on the nerves.
Also, buy extra laundry baskets and give up on putting clothes away. Clean in one, dirty in the other, that’s that. Anyone who’s concerned about wrinkles can hang it up his own damn self.
Some people do the same thing re: clean/dirty dishes and just set the table from the dishwasher. My kitchen isn’t big enough to accommodate all the dirties so I don’t quite know how to do that.
Also, he absolutely HAS to have some serious Daddy time. He should take the kids on his own for at least 1/2 of Saturday or Sunday, preferably a full 8 hours. Good for the kids, good for him, good for the wife.
As to sex, I have no clue. We can occasionally hire a babysitter so we can go OUT, but it’s kind of awkward to ask the teenagers next door to take our kids to their house so we can play naked snugglebunnies. Nine minutes of heaven now and then is the best we can do.
Kind of in line with what eleanorigby says, I think this is the truth. Except you forgot the 10 p.m. - 8 a.m. shift; invariably some kid needs something, voluntary or involuntary.
My husband has the choice of either a very clean house and everyone is screaming when he comes in the door, or a fairly messy house with content occupants. If I hit both targets PLUS have a hot meal on the table, we call that The Big Trifecta and there is much celebrating.
Shit, even Brad Pitt is resigned to a chaotic home, I saw it in People, I swear!
And I absolutely respect the fact that my husband’s work keeps this house going. I think it’s sad, but still true, that having a good relationship with the twins does not mean the same thing to him that it does me. He is not making the investment of time and energy that I do. So be it.
Wow, Shagnasty, I’m so sorry. That really sucks.
It’s true, husband-bashing is a big sport and it blinds us to our husbands’ strengths and contributions.
full disclosure because now I feel guilty My husband DOES do almost all of the laundry, the wash/dry and fold part. I’m in charge of putting away, which means it doesn’t happen as well as it should.
Plus once in a while he runs the vacuum, and last night he fixed the garage door. In return, I’m taking the kids out of town on my own this weekend. I often take them on short outings, usually to see relatives - he gets the free time (he’s a homebody), and we get a change of scenery. It’s a good play into each other’s needs.
My kids go through periods where it’s mommy-mommy-mommy all the livelong day (they’ve been in one here lately), but they’re definitely not brats. They’re a TON of fun, they’re creative, interesting, empathetic, lively, gentle. They’re great help at the grocery store, where they follow me like baby ducks, pushing the mini-carts, picking out fruit and letting out an occasional quack. The grandmas at Kroger’s always notice and praise them. Those will be some of my favorite memories from this time.
And yet they DO bug the crap out of me on many days, particularly the days when I didn’t get enough sleep, really wish I could be painting, and can’t find their shoes. Shoes! Shoes! Shoes! The worse shape I’m in, the more I get the mommy-mommy-mommy thing.
Irritating behavior has a lot to do with developmental stages, too. Those 1/2 years are tough. You couldn’t pay me enough to go back to when my twins were 2.5, I thought I would lose my mind.
Back to the OP - Martin, if your friends are battling, you can bet the kids feel it and are acting worse. Children always pick up on the house vibe, they’re little emotional sponges. And then they act it out. And if their toddler is 2.5, whoa nelly.
If there’s any way to arrange it, have them watch Supernanny, I swear that JoJo Frost is the most amazing woman. I use her techniques all the time, as best I can.
JoJo shows fathers how to be active in the home - it seems like almost ALL of the families she visits where kids are behaving abominably are situations where more Daddy input is needed. In other words - if your friend thinks things are bad NOW, just wait until the kids turn up the heat.
My youngest brother is like that. The fastest way to get him to stop whinning about “helping” and get to work is asking “whose is the house? mine, or ours?”
Since it’s “ours,” keeping it fit is his job too!