I have a major crush on a girl, and she’s been treating me like crap lately, and I’ve also been absurdly jealous of everything she does. Now, I don’t like being treated like crap, and it makes me mad, but then if she’s nice to me once, I’m not mad anymore. How can I stop this cycle? I mean, if I could just get rid of her once and for all (It’ll hurt, since I have a good friendship with her, or had, anyway), I would probably have a much happier time…
My therapist told me that anger is the lizard brain’s way of getting power to get what you want. So, what is it you want? Is it realistic that you could get that?
She is probably treating you like crap because she has learned that she can. I know this can be hard, but you need to change how you react to her. Above all else, you need to determine what is acceptable behavior from her, and tell her when her behavior is unacceptable.
But you must internalize the fact that you can’t change her. Ask yourself, are you really in love with her or are you in love with and idealized version of her. After all, how can you truly love someone who is cruel to you?
Zyada gives some good advice, but I can add a bit to it.
Remember the old saying, “absence makes the heard grow fonder?” Well it normally doesn’t. Remove yourself from her company and slowly you will begin to get over the feelings you have for her. Finding someone new to spend time with would be even better.
Well, it just bothers me. I mean between her treating me like dirt, another friend pointing out my flaws at every opportunity, and another telling me how much hotter other guys are than me, I have no spine anymore.
I enjoy doing things with her, and she usually fun to talk to, but other times it’s brutal. A few things I’ve done (this might not seem like a lot to you, but this is how we talked the most) are to unistall Starcraft and to not go on ICQ if I see her.
You need to become the evil one, managing your emotions and niceness to keep her on level emotional ground, Or, you could date someone with a little more maturity.
Problem - she doesn’t date me for the same reason other girls don’t. I’m an ugly, gangly, annoying, sarcastic, and horny acne-ridden dork.
I’ve been in this situation before, not quite as bad, but hurtful nevertheless.
I decided that I wasn’t going to make the effort anymore, If he wanted to call me, that’s fine, so I started acting indifferent towards him which worked like a charm.
If you think you are strong enough to back away a bit, hopefully she can realise what she’s missing.
I am going through a similar thing at the mo so I feel your pain dude. But just think of these possiblities, they might not be accurate but at least thye’ll check to see if you are thinking.
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Maybe she isn’t treating you like crap? Maybe you just have urealistic expectations? Remember if she didn’t like, care for you she just wouldn’t do anything with you.
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Maybe she is being nasty but only as a response to you being soo jealous and weird and stuff. Remember that if you have a crush on her and she doesn’t feel the same way then she might not know how you feel at all. Because of this she might act in a way that seems insensitive to you but would actually be perfectly alright if the two of you were just friends.
3)Anyone who tells you that you aren’t good-looking enough for her is talking out of their ass. Physicallty is bairly half of attractiveness. How do I know? Because the girl I am after is falling completely for a guy who isn’t half as good looking as me and is a freakin alcoholic to boot. Maybe you are wrong for her but how you look most prolly has very little to do with that.
Anyway what this boils down to is: your situation sucks and no-one is going to be able to understand how much it sucks except you. I am a big fan of talking to the pople you care about if you have a prob with them but YOU are the only perosn on this message board who knows her well enough to make that call. But if she is being just plain nasty then ditch her. No-one is worth that kind of pain.
Good luck dude. I am rooting for all the way.
-Andrew V
I hadn’t realized your point 2) until you said it… that’s a very good point. That’s not all that’s been bugging me, though. I thought I could confide in her, and I could trust her. Then she goes and tells our friends what I told her. That hurt.
Also, the only 2 people who have called me good looking are my mom and a guy at my brother’s bible college who told me the girls must be all over me and that he wished he had my looks. Made me feel good, that’s for sure 
Reinstall Starcraft, STAT!
I was in a similar situation about a year ago. Girl would intentionally make plans with me only to break them, only keeping them often enough to keep me interested. Then, I figured out, a year after this started, that she was never going to change; what really made me pissed though was that she seemed to be all OVER another guy but claimed they were just friends.
Ironically, the next time we saw each other after that was the BEST time we ever had, even though i already had learned that i could never trust her.
Then, when she starts spending more time with her other “friend” i act a little weird and angry, she accuses me of stalking her, which i wasnt, then proceeds in her normal modus operandi of lies and avoidances.
I only find out later that she thought I was following her. Then she claims I’m in love with her (a year too late, babe, arentcha being a bit egotistical?) and that we are no longer friends.
To top it all off, for months after that she keeps asking me how i’m doing. Girls always seem to have the most sympathy for guys they’ve never bedded: obviously had i not been so pitiful in the first place i would have had a chance to be her friend :rolleyes: I’m not a little kid okay, i’m not blaming myself, i’m just blaming you
Sigh…at least she does this sort of shite to everyone. Excepting one person :mad:
Gosh, you don’t need her to beat you down. You do a fine job all on your own.
If you truly have self-esteem issues, then you have to fix those first. You’ll never be able to enter into a mature relationship unless you feel like you’re an equal to the person you are dating. People who feel like their SO is superior usually end up with a broken heart. Not necessarily because the SO is superior, but because people who lack confidence are unattractive. (As are people who have too much confidence, BTW.)
My advice is to get on a treadmill, start lifting weights, take a yoga class, see a dermatologist. Go on a retreat. Focus on your school so you can get a kick-ass job when you graduate. Do what you need to do to focus on improving yourself, and your self-esteem, in the process.
Paraphrase from “Almost Famous’” Lester Bangs:
“Kids at school don’t like you? Don’t worry about it. You’ll meet those people again on their long journey to the middle.”
Good luck!
I’ll reply to these in order
White Lightning, I have no reason to All that’ll happen is I see her flirt with a dozen other guys that aren’t me. And anyway, I don’t really feel like playing it anymore.
Ludovic, in a lot of ways that sounds like her about this time last year. Her and the guy have since broken up, but she talks about him behind his back all the time - makes me wonder what gossip my friends are talking about.
PunditLisa, the reason I don’t feel confident is that all of my friends, as well as a big chunk of the ‘cool’ people at the school waste no time in pointing out my flaws at every oppourtunity. The bullies I can stand up to, and have (I was talking about that in the chat a while back), but when my friends do it, I take it to heart more, since I trust their judgement most of the time.
Maybe you should set her on fire?!?
OK Speaker if you laughed at that then end the cycle. Either by not having contact with her or by reading her the riot act.
I was talking to a friend the other day and he was quiting his crappy job for a good job but he had a hard time picking the day to talk to his boss to tell him. He then made the comparision to breaking up with a bad girlfriend saying ‘there is no good day to break up with a bad girlfriend’.
To which I replied ‘Yes there is. Today is the best day to break up with a bad girlfriend.’
Her name isn’t LaTrecca is it? That’s the girl who did this to me in HS.
A friend of mine felt the same way about himself back in high school; he’s now a well-published science fiction writer (60-odd books to his name), and a funny, fascinating human being. He’s still pretty tall and gangly, but his wife and I think he’s rather handsome.
I also figured I was ugly, annoying, and acne-ridden (I didn’t dare admit to horny – what would I do with it?
) until I was in my mid 20’s. The acne dies down; my friends tell me I’m not interesting; I can hit beautiful on my best days; and I’m now passionate.
Hang in there, and hold out for someone decent, please, someone who may be just as much of a dork, but a lot more fun. The people I love most were the geeks in high school, and I wouldn’t trade them for 100 cheerleader, class president types.
CJ
Getting in touch with her inner geek