I received a desperate phone call from a dear friend in the middle of the night. Less than 90 days ago, he married a woman from the Philippines and was not expecting her behavior to be as psychotic as it has become.
Some things he has had to deal with: Stopped her from…
scratching his eyes out
banging her head against the wall, floor, etc.
swallowing a bottle of aspirin, prescription stuff from her dentist, etc.
stealing the keys to his car and driving off (she really has no ability to drive)
breaking all the wine glasses
posting her craziness on Facebook, calling up his family, etc.
He has to hide the kitchen knives from her.
Mind you, this is a deeply kind and wonderful man who married this woman after a year-long, internet courtship. He did fly over the Philippines twice to see her before bringing her over and this very week, he finished covering a couple thousand dollars of her grandmother’s funeral expenses.
He is VERY careful not to lay a hand on her but is petrified the neighbors might report the tantrums because the police will automatically believe an 80-pound hysterical girl over this young man.
The best option is obviously to get her to go away quietly, but she might try to start trouble at the airport or just not get on the plane.
Second option is to remove her with legal help. Her visa is expired and her green card is in process, which means legally she can’t stay in the country. He also shelled out over a thousand bucks to fix up her green card status but doesn’t have enough money left to help hire a lawyer. (I’ve offered to help in that regard)
She’s not on the lease, but he did have to sign an INS document before she entered the country saying that she’s his financial responsibility. They do this to make sure people don’t come into the country and feed off the welfare system.
Any thoughts on how best I can help my friend?
It’s commendable of you to want to help, but I think it’s going to be a frustrating experience for you. He chose to bring this chaos into his life. The fact that he married someone he barely knows and has brought her around the world and laid out thousands of dollars on her behalf (but can’t find any money to consult a lawyer on how to leave her) suggests that he’s got some issues that are making him emotionally needy and dramatic. Calling you in the middle of the night fits that pattern.
Your best bet, beyond just being a sympathetic sounding board, would probably be to find him some referrals. Priority 1 should be an abuse hotline. After that, a therapist and a divorce lawyer.
He needs to get a lawyer and get a divorce. Annulment is a much more difficult path to pursue since you have to convince a judge that the marriage is invalid.
I agree- a lawyer and a divorce is the only way to go.
It’s probably what she is looking for anyway. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is just acting as crazy as possible, so that she can get away from the sucker who married her and get on with her new life in the States. She probably feels like she is all set now that she’s got a few thousand dollars from her “grandmother’s funeral” to get started with. Not that your friend is all that innocent either- you apparently love someone enough to marry them, but the moment things get rough you try to throw them away and get them deported? Sounds like a real winner.
Always makes me laugh when people are shocked- shocked!- that their mail order brides don’t turn out to be the fairy tale romances they paid for. These situations are a classic example of getting exactly what you asked for.
The best way for you to help is to make up the couch and give your friend a place to sleep, leaving the crazy woman in his place while he temporarily disconnects the phone, the cable, the utilities, etc. and consults with his lawyer.
It doesn’t work that way. Unless she can prove he abused her she needs to go back to the Phillipines if they get divorced before a certain number of years (3-5).
As to the OP; the best way you can help your friend is get him a lawyer ASAP.
Your friend might want to make sure she doesn’t make false abuse accusations against him in an attempt to get a green card under the Violence Against Women Act.
Whatever he does, he should probably not house her up in his attic and pretend she doesn’t exist. Even if he survives the fire, he’ll eventually meet a hot young nanny and things will get really complicated when she realizes he’s not yet divorced. Err, or so I’ve read.
Except for Erdosain, thank you all for your assistance. We got her institutionalized this morning for attempting to slash her throat and will be spending the rest of the day removing those valuable items from his apartment so that when she is released, she can’t destroy anything.
He’ll be staying on the couch until he can figure out the rest of it.
Wow. FDH, I’m sorry you all are having to go through this. Good for you for getting professional help involved.
One caution: If his relationship ends in a contentious divorce, she could try to use the fact that he slept over at your apartment against him. Obviously, you’re not going to commit any act of infidelity, but how would you prove that if push came to shove? For his sake, it may be worth it to consider whether he has any other temporary lodging options.
{Note: I am not your lawyer, and nothing in any of my messages is intended or should be construed to create an attorney-client relationship. This is not legal advice; this is just anonymous chat.}
I don’t know the logistics of this sort of thing actually working out but I would not be surprised if she was trying to pull off something like this. If she was acting normally up until now (and it wasn’t just a case of him ignoring warning signs) then it seems very strange that she would act so violently crazy out of nowhere.
I have since learned that she has been acting this way every three weeks or so since her arrival; it was only this particular occasion – when, after 10-hours, in his exhaustion of struggling to get weapons away from her – he couldn’t deal with it anymore and called me.
And there seems to be some indication her family knew about these issues and kept the information from the bridegroom to get her into the States.
I’m feeding him comfort food, investigating lawyer referrals, and turning my couch into a comfy haven for the weekend.
You know, that would make a really good topic for my Nanowrimo novel this year. What would it be called…?
All joking aside, Fried Dough Ho, I think you’re doing the best thing for him right now, and I wish you the very best. offers hugs
He needs to stay away from her and protect himself - in North America, he most likely will be arrested if she says he abuses her, regardless of what is actually going on. The laws are tipped strongly in favour of women in domestic abuse situations, in spite of the reality of women abusing men far more often than people realize.
I’m not sure why he’s trying to prevent her deportation.
He is not at all. He wants nothing more than to put her on a plane and send her back to her family and end the marriage.
She is the one who is fighting that and we are trying to figure out how to force her to leave when he is her only connection in the U.S. She barely speaks English, can’t drive, and almost totally reliant on him for everything, going into a fit when the discussion of her going home comes up.
No, actually not. My friend has business which takes him to the Philippines two and three times a year. He met the girl legitimately. He saw her during his visits and they corresponded and talked via Skype on a daily basis for almost a year before he brought her over.