I am a 15 year old man who has Asperger’s Syndrome and Paranoia. Socialising has always been difficult for me but I can socialise reasonably well with guys but not that good with girls. I easily fall in love with a girl but I don’t have the guts to ask a girl out. Recently, this feeling keeps getting stronger due to hormones. I want to know how to approach a girl and how to start a relation with one, I am going to greece on the 4th of may and thought this would be a good place to excercise(harshly said, we are dealing with someone’s emotions here.) because:
1.The girls there don’t know my history.(social awkwardness and was bullied has lead to the majority of girls not even trying to resocialise with me because of the ‘group effect’(don’t hang out with him, other girls don’t do that too.))
2.Small amount of consequences. If I screw something up at school, I might get many bad reactions and often those awkward ‘Hey, remember that time when you X’ situations.
I am mostly looking for being with a girl that I can love(and preferably be loved back), if she is good looking, that would even better, but any normal girl would suffice.
Please don’t judge me for my age, I am mentally very mature for my age, I am willing to take advice that I will learn from, even if I don’t agree with it or believe it.
I want to know how to approach a girl and how start a relation with one.
Yes, you may get teased a bit, but that’s part of being 15. The only person who will still be giving you a hard time about a romantic screw-up, beyond two weeks AT MOST, is yourself. You are BY FAR your own worst critic.
My advice is to be 15, have fun, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t overanalyze anything, and do your best to be social with everyone. Find a group or club that shares an interest in something you enjoy, and you will be able to develop friendships with girls that share a common interest.
Don’t dote on your Asperger’s too much. I used to know a guy with Asperger’s who was had surprising success with women, all because he was a genuinely nice person.
Here’s a practically foolproof test: start talking to a girl about whatever. At some point in the conversation bring up a current movie. Basically the level of interest she shows in the movie is her level of interest in you. Here’s a handy guide:
You: "[Blah blah blah], hey have you heard about [current movie]?
Girl: “I really want to see that!” = she wants you to ask her out.
Girl: “That looks like it could be good.” = she might go out with you.
Girl: “I heard that sucked.” = she’ll never go out with you.
Girl: “I heard that sucked, but [different current movie] is supposed to be good.” = she wants you to ask her out.
Girl: “I prefer old movies. Want to come to my house and watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’?” = she wants to jump your bones, like RIGHT. NOW.
Get involved. Find a hobby that you like. See if your parents will get you into lessons for something… An art, sport, possible future career. Doing something outside of school could expose you to a new set of friends. It also builds confidence and gives you something to talk about in social situations. Make friends first… Love will just happen naturally. You’re young, don’t rush it.
Here is a ten-year-old column by Dan Savage offering advice to a fifteen-year-old boy on how to appeal to girls. In short, the advice is work out so that you have an attractive body, read so that you have something interesting to say, get out of the house and do things so that you meet people, including girls, in various settings and can get comfortable in talking to them. There’s additional advice about grooming, hygiene, sex ed and masturbation. It’s good advice.
If you can talk to guys then you’re halfway there. I had this same problem and solved it when I figured out the reason I had trouble talking to girls but not guys.
The reason you can’t talk to girls is because you think you’re supposed to approach them to ask them out. Some people do this, but you can’t because you know this approach is wrong. It feels wrong and even though you don’t understand why, it translates into anxiety at the thought of talking to girls.
I’m guessing you don’t like talking to people you don’t know? It sucks because the person might become too attached and then you have to deal with the uncomfortable situation of avoiding or hurting a person who just wants to be friends with you. So you’re extra cautious around new people because you don’t want to start a relationship you can’t maintain. That’s why you’re finding it difficult approaching girls.
Thanks for staying with me, here’s what you should do. Do not approach girls with the intention of starting a relationship. Approach with the intention of getting to know them. This way you won’t get yourself into a relationship you don’t want. This way you can talk to a girl and find out whether she is worth spending more time with.
After talking to her for some time, it will be easier for you to decide if you want to continue doing this. When you decide you want a relationship, then you invite her on a date.
A couple of rules to keep in mind:
Don’t stay friends with her for more than a week if you want to date her. A week is pushing it already.
If she has a boyfriend, find someone without a boyfriend.
When you talk to her, be yourself. Unless you’re an asshole. In that case, pretend you’re not an asshole.
Pick a time and place to go on a date before you ask her.
I always wonder what damage we do to society by trying to fix or maximize the potential of every moment.
The law of averages, natural selection etc etc. exist because humans are different genetically and consequently, socially.
Some people have ‘it’, some don’t.
Some people don’t, but find a way to work around that.
etc.etc…,
It is entirely plausible for a fifteen year old to be awkward, goofy, not very confident, shy, lacking social skills and frankly not a Casanova.
From what you describe, it doesn’t sound like your Asperger’s Syndrome has anything to do with why girls are not kicking down your door to talk to you.
Teenage girls are …well teenage girls, even science hasn’t figured them out yet, so how could you?
Maybe you ARE being paranoid?
I know you wanted a specific set of answers on how to socialize with girls but they aren’t any.
Forget girls, you don’t want silly little girls wasting your time and there’s plenty of women for the future. Use this time to be a boy, have hobbies, silly friends and enjoy the simplicity of life.
I can tell you first hand when I was that age I didn’t dislike boys, but I only talked to them as a matter of circumstance or need - which means talking to boys was no different than talking to girls.
This is probably good advice in the US, it might be good advice in the Netherlands (where the OP is) and I suspect is not good advice at all in Greece, from what I know of Greek culture.
At least part of your problem is saying things like this. A 15 year old is not an adult, and any 15 year old who claims to be an adult just sounds ridiculous. I can understand that you don’t want to say you’re a boy, but you can’t claim to be an adult yet.
Don’t make claims that you can’t back up. Don’t say that you’re a rock god if you practice on the guitar for a couple of hours a week, don’t play with anyone else, and have never played in front of an audience that doesn’t consist of your friends and family. Don’t claim to be a writer if you’ve never published anything. Etc.
Hi Daniel,
From your high IQ posts, I’d recommend that you find girls with better than average intelligence and not worry about looks all that much. Sometimes girls tend to hide their smarts so it can be difficult to find such girls. However don’t make their IQ score a deal breaker.
I had some social difficulties at school around your age. So I started dating girls from other schools.
If you can’t find a girl with common interests, maybe it’s time to expand your interests.
I’m not sure how severe your aspergers or paranoia is, but it doesn’t sound like it’s too debilitating if you’re even asking these questions so openly in the first place.
The biggest piece of advice I would give is to work on your smile. You’d be surprised how much more accessible you’d be if you’d just smile. It’ll brighten your posture, voice, and overall disposition.
I am not not naturally social, I’m odd and used to be very awkward, and my IQ is above average. I also struggled with shyness and anxiety at your age. I found it nearly impossible to relate to my peers, and I didn’t date until I was 19, out of school and living independently. So I can see where you’re coming from, and why you’re concerned about your ability to succeed in these areas. The ability to socialize smoothly is vastly important when it comes to both success in life, and personal happiness.
You can definitely work at this, and improve yourself, just like any other skill. I can’t even believe sometimes how far I’ve come with it!
My main suggestion is to cultivate as many relationships, and partake in as many social activities, as possible. Meet people. Talk to people. You can only learn HOW to talk to people if you get out there and do it. Yes, you’ll embarrass yourself along the way. But if you avoid situations that make you uncomfortable, you’re depriving yourself of the opportunity to learn how to feel at ease in those same situations.
Girls are people too. Rather than approaching them as a foreign species or potential love interests, learn to interact with them as fellow human beings first. It might help if you started by trying to become friends with women who you find unattractive, honestly.
Looking at the men I know who are effortlessly successful with women (like my boyfriend, haha), they all follow the same basic social strategy: humor, friendliness, genuinely enjoying getting to know people, and maintaining a very large and diverse social circle. Of course, people like you or I can’t fake being extroverted or naturally charming, but we can still benefit from learning how to apply those same strategies in our own way.