I’ll let you in on a little secret. You are going to do a lot of things that cause your parents to feel a slight disappointment. Some of these things are going to be big mistakes that you make and be totally your fault (don’t sweat too much about this, the big mistakes we make are how we learn to be great people) and some of of these things are going to be trifles that anyone looking in will think are ridiculous (the music you listen to falls into this category).
All of this is overshadowed by the tremendous sense of pride that your parents will feel towards you (again coming from both your huge successes and from the tiny little things that only a parent will notice).
Don’t fret so much about how your parents will react. If they think that it is the devil’s music give them reasons why it is not. If you can’t provide those reasons, maybe they’re right (they’re not but it is good practice in debate to try to convince them).
I think there is a difference between “hiding” what you listen to and volunteering unnecessary information. I’m the mom of a teenage boy. He’s 15 and while we love the same music (hard rock, bordering on metal), I’m sure there are other things he’s interested in that I don’t know about or if I did know, wouldn’t share his like of. If your parents ask what music you listen to, you should tell them, but I don’t see a reason to bring it up first. But if you do, being respectful goes a really long way.
You know what’s funny? Parents totally change and surprise you. When I was your age hard rock/heavy metal was the devil’s music. I remember my mom and her Christian friends talking about how Satanic AC/DC, KISS and Black Sabbath all were. I listened anyway, in my room or at friends’ houses. When my son was about 12 or so he started to like these groups, which made me happy, but I was a little concerned about my mom. Guess who ended up buying my son his first Metallica and AC/DC t-shirts for Christmas that year? Yep, my mom.
Oh, and my condolences on the fact that they listen to country. I hope they don’t make you listen all that much.
This is one of those things that a lot of people are surprised by, but is actually extraordinarily common. Speaking as a metal fan myself, so take it with whatever bias you feel appropriate, but my experience is that metal fans tend to be, on average, fairly level-headed nice and intelligent people. Yes, there’s always that one guy who thinks it’s all about being aggressive and angry, and they’re the loud ones that color other people’s perspectives, but they’re ulitmately rare. Most of those aggressive types end up either getting deeper into the music or burning out anyway.
As for why it’s that way, I think a lot would say it’s because it’s getting out the aggression, but I think it’s more than that. Metal is one of those genres that is all about a true expression without constraints. There’s a purity in the conversation, you get to see the emotion, the philosophy, and the humanity in its rawest form. So it has a way of tearing down the barriers within people, allowing us to connect on a deeper level with eachother and forcing us to be introspective on the topics that come up. This is why there’s an immediate fraternity among metalheads, why enjoy the physicality as it’s basically just like brothers rough housing, and why so often they’re really chill great people.
Interestingly, I recently got my mother to go to a show, for a band I’d been waiting 14 years to finally come to the US, one of my all time favorites. She liked some of what she heard, but afterward couldn’t say enough how much she enjoyed the show, how surprised she was at how the crowd behaved, how everyone got along and had a great time. And this isn’t isolated. Every time I’ve managed to drag someone along, to a show, they’re always shocked at how much fun the show is, the energy of the crowd, all of that.
I couldn’t disagree more. Music, like all forms of art, are means of expression that, though the audience may not have originated it, we attach our own meaning to it. That’s a core element of the creation of and the experience of art, to have the message and to have the audience connect with it. I don’t care what genre of music you prefer or if you’re into another form of art, but it doesn’t “belong” to the artist as the creator, it “belongs” to all of us who take part in it. And as a musician myself, though I pour my heart and soul into it and it usually has a deep and personal meaning to me, it’s every bit as gratifying when I share it with someone else and they attach their own meaning to it. They’re not wrong for getting something different out of it; hell, sometimes they give me a new and deeper appreciation of my own art by sharing their views on my own work with me.
But ultimately, being into metal can be a part of who someone is, just as much as anything else someone can be passionate about. Frankly, it seems extraordinarily odd to say that we’re not at least partially defined as human beings by what we’re passionate about. Speaking for myself, I can’t think of a concise way to explain those aspects of myself that my fandom of music, particularly metal, rock, folk, classical, do so perfectly. And that doesn’t even touch on my other passions.
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There’s a lot of amazing metal out there with positive messages. As a Christian myself, I’m a huge fan of a few Christian bands, like Antestor, Extol, Savior Machine, etc. and I’m also a huge fan of several bands that have thoroughly positive, uplifting, and enlightening, or thought provoking messages, like Anathema. But I also enjoy a lot of music where, at least superficially, the messages are a lot darker.
My point is, you should definitely continue to explore, the entirety of the metal scene is ridiculously massive and you’ll likely find all kinds of amazing stuff you love more than anything you’ve heard to this point, particularly given that you’ve only been into it for a short time. But at the same time, don’t just listen to the music because you think you need to hear certain messages or that it will be easier to explain to others.
So, yes, if you enjoy more accessible music, by all means, take advantage of it. But if you enjoy some really off-the-wall stuff, and other people don’t understand it, then they just won’t.
I was first exposed to metal at a fairly young age, I remember hearing Judas Priest for the first time when I was about 5 or 6 and immediately falling in love with it. My parents hated it, particularly my father, who was convinced it was Satanic. I didn’t get much farther into it until I got into my teens and I got into some of the better known metal bands of the mid to late 90s like Metallica, Megadeth, Iron Maiden, Motorhead, etc. My parents still didn’t like it, and my dad was still convinced it was evil, but he at least let me listen to it. As it turned out, I started to get a little bored with it, after all, the mainstream metal scene at the time was fairly limited other than stuff I definitely didn’t like (rap metal was big though much of my time in high school), so my interests started to drift into other genres. However, once I reached 17, I finally started to discover underground metal, not coincidentally right when Napster was gaining popularity, and my passion in metal was reignited as I discovered new genres that were much closer to my tastes. Every since then, I’ve loved the genre and I’ve put a fair amount of effort into, not so much converting my parents, but at least getting them to understand and appreciate something that is that important to me.
So, my advice, be patient. Be very, very patient. There’s still a lot of straight up wrong stereotypes about metal. One thing I had to deal with particularly was that my dad’s church actually would preach that metal was the work of Satan and, of course, Columbine happened that same year and metal music was partially blamed. It took a few years before I could even get my dad to listen to something, even just to say he hated it.
Ultimately, it’s about having a connection with your parents, and it goes both ways. You want them to understand and appreciate the music you listen to because it’s important to you. Make that same effort in their music. Beyond that, try to find music that can bridge that gap. For instance, my dad is a fan of blues and jazz, so I made a point of playing some songs that I enjoyed that were heavily influenced by that genre. Some of it he quite liked, and could finally understand the qualities that the heaviness can add to excentuate that mood. So, if you can try to find stuff that you enjoy and bridges that gap, it will help. Regardless of what your parents like, unless they just hate music altogether, there is definitely some genre of metal out there that can at least partially bridge that gap.
A lot of people in this thread say it isn’t a big deal, but it could be. His parents could forbid him from listening to the music and being 13 he doesn’t have a lot of say in it.
I’d start off gradually, try to talk to your dad about music he liked when he was young. If he says anything like Metallica, Alice in Chains, or Guns and Roses, or even Bon Jovi (lol) then you’re halfway there already. In fact I’d start off with some 80’s Metallica like their “Master of Puppets” album. Test the waters with letting them hear that and see what their reaction is.
People can find meaning in art created by others, sure, but I wouldn’t say it’s a part of who they are. If your interest is just something you like but don’t participate in, you don’t need those close to you to get into it too. If he finds so much meaning in the music then he can try his hand at making or producing music or writing poetry with a similar message or whatever. Those are things his parents should care about.
I remember how important music was to me at 13 and what a large part of my identity it was to me. What I listened to and why spoke volumes about me. I can see being torn between keeping a valued part of himself secret and risking scorn and a failing in perceived responsibility.
I also think that you are possibly making too much out of it. It’s possible they’ll wince and play the, “it’s just a phase” denial card. I don’t know.
Sometimes a slightly angular direct approach works. A great number of metal bands have taken - and still do take - themes from classical lit, mythology, history - not so much math - but you get my point.
If scholarship won’t open the door try musicianship. If not that then look for a factor that you can use to illustrate its worth beyond the merely subjective.
This approach worked when I convinced my folks to keep letting my younger siblings keep watching The Simpsons.
I’ll echo what others have said: you don’t need to volunteer anything, but the question is going to come up eventually. I can’t imagine a parent never asking their kid what kind of music they want to listen to. When the question does come up, be honest and also tactful. Think ahead about the least-offensive and most-approachable groups, albums and songs to show your parents if they ask.
In particular, avoid pointing out to them any of the album covers that have nudity on them. (I know Disturbed has one showing a birth.) That’s just a bad place to start
If your parents do try to forbid you from listening to music you like, I’ll just tell you that you’re going to find ways to do it anyway, so don’t fight with them over it. It’s not worth creating a big argument and going into hysterics the way some kids do.
My father tried to forbid me from playing role-playing games (they also are Satan’s work, apparently)… and yet, my best friend and I would have sleepovers in which we literally played them for 24 hours straight. In fact, one three-day weekend, we stopped only to get about 6 hours of sleep in. If anything, I did it more role-playing after being forbidden because I didn’t always know when I could do it next.
My father was a complete and total jerk, though. Your parents sound nothing like my father and I expect that you’ll have a better outcome.
I thought you summed it up really well here. I had seen how many people saying that the music you love is not who you are, or that if you’re passively listening to music instead of making it, it doesn’t count as being a part of you. I was thinking about it and that’s wrong, especially when you’re a teenager. The more I think about it, the more strongly I disagree.
Think about how many subcultures were built primarily around a genre of music, people who identify very strongly as goths or punks or metalheads. It’s a very strong identifier, and it’s never stronger than when you’re young. When you’re young, the music that you love is speaking directly to you, the artist’s words were written specifically with you in mind. I definitely remember when it felt like that to me.
I still love when I hear a new song that seems like it should be the theme song playing if someone were to make a movie about me. It’s my song. It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t the one who wrote it.
So I see why the OP would want his parents to be aware of something that is right now a very real part of him. It’ll be rough if it doesn’t go over well, but it won’t stop him from listening to metal.
I hate to say this kind of thing, but frankly, I just don’t think it’s something that people who aren’t now, or haven’t been at some point in the past, can really understand. And Turpentine’s quote below helps illustrate how. Particularly to teenagers, where they’re trying to find an identity, musical sub-culture is a BIG deal. It helps them to determine what media they’re exposed to, how they dress, how they think, who their friends are. I can tell with no uncertainty that after becoming more deeply involved in metal, and music as a whole, it fundamentally changed my outlook on life, it helped to define who I am.
That is, I think most people have those moments or periods in their lives where it shapes the course of the rest of their lives. For me, one of those moments was when I finally discovered the genres of metal that really spoke to me and I dove in, but there are others. For someone else, maybe it was playing youth sports and it made them a life-long sport and fitness nut, or maybe they learned something really cool about science in third grade and it inspired them to grow up and be a physicist, or maybe they remember that day dad brought home the new puppy and they immediately wanted to be a vet or biologist or whatever.
And beyond that, as I touched on above, music isn’t just created by the artists. A good song leaves a lot open to interpretation and lets us attach ourselves to it. When we see them live, what makes it great isn’t just the band performing, a huge part of it is the whole crowd being a part of it, singing along, moving to the music, everyone feeding off of the energy. Beyond that, we DO choose what bands and what songs we listen to, and that becomes the score to our lives at the time. Now, maybe he should try his hands at music, and I would strongly encourage anyone who has passion in music to try their hands at creating their own work, but it still remains that a song, even written by someone else you never knew, can be a concise way to express a part of oneself to someone else.
Sure, his parents don’t have to get into it, but if it’s something that’s important to him, whether it’s metal, football, video games, anime, clothes, whatever, his parents should at least show some interest in learning about something that is important to their child. They may not like it, they may not understand it, but they can at least make an effort to understand why it’s important to their son and use it as a means to connect with him rather than just shrug it off expecting that he’ll grow out of it. Hell, he very well may grow out of it too, but why shouldn’t he share his passion with his parents?
And beyond all that, it’s just not good for his parents to think he’s into all this terrible stuff, when it just isn’t true.
There is nothing like hearing that song for the first time that feels like it was written for me; not just something I attached meaning to, but seems to literally outline exactly what I’m dealing with at the time or places I’ve been. These are the songs that I think, given enough context about who I am to get that part, if someone cares about me enough to care, they just might learn something new about me hearing a song like that.
When I’ve played a song like that for someone, a parent, a sibling, a friend, and I can get a knowing response like “I get why this is your song.” it’s a lot like those other moments of unspoken understand I’ve had with them.
I can understand that, but teenagers can also understand that it may not be like that for their parents. You can’t share everything you care about with everyone. They might not get it, or might just not be interested. He can share his passion for metal with his friends and if he wants to be closer to his parents and to help them understand who he is (and it’s nice for a teenager to feel that way), he’ll likely have to find some other way to do it, and he should realize that there *are *other ways to do.
After thinking about it more, I guess my point is not that he shouldn’t share it with them or they *shouldn’t *try to understand, but just that it’s likely that they won’t. If they were the ones we were talking to, I’d say listen to what he has to say about it and keep an open mind. But I know that with my parents, there was a 0% chance of them being receptive to my feelings about the music I listened to or not being disapproving of it, so sharing it with them would not have been a good idea.
