I’m not going to say you’re the exception to the norm - but I am going to say I’ve known more than one person who thought they wanted not to have kids and later found out they simply didn’t want to have kids. I don’t mean exactly that they were indifferent to having kids - it was more that they themselves had no desire to have kids, but weren’t opposed to the idea when they paired up with someone who did want kids. And that may cause the OP to have difficulty in finding a doctor to perform the procedure as well - he’s young, he has no kids and he’s not even in a long-term relationship with someone who also does not want children.
How many short term relationships/flings are you having at the moment?
If the answer is ‘none’, then having a vasectomy is not going to make any difference. Don’t imagine that it’s a magic way to attract partners.
Anything you are hearing on incel forums or pick-up forums is highly dubious. You should think very carefully before believing it. Those people are losers. Rather believe people here with real lives and real experience, even if they are not telling you what you want to hear.
Any doctor would be right to refuse you a vasectomy. You may think you know your own mind at 23, but when you look back at yourself in 10 years, you’ll be shaking your head at your younger self. It may seem a very long time to you, and difficult to imagine, but you will get there sooner than you think. And your life and opinions and relationships will be very different from what they are now. You could easily change your mind about wanting a family.
I am not sure if this is even done, but what are people’s opinion of the OP visiting a sperm bank, and then proceeding to get a vasectomy (if he finds a Dr to do the procedure)? The banked seed would be insurance in case he changed his mind later.
Obviously with 20/20 hindsight I can’t envision having made the same choice that you did, but yours worked out well as did ours and that’s all that matters.
Perhaps I’ll let the womenfolk here answer that one. If my assumption is wrong, I’ll let them tell me that too.
100% agree, and I hope I didn’t sound preachy about my case. I was trying not to.
And despite our early certainty about our decision, we do realize that we were lucky (at least a little bit) to have been proven right.
Extra question which I hope isn’t OTT:
Is condomless-sex vastly different than sex with a condom? After a vasectomy, I’d only do it with a partner after we both get an STD test.
I didn’t take your post in the least bit as “preachy”. Obviously the more members of the immediate family, the more likely something is to go wrong too. Our youngest son “married bad” the first time but had two beautiful children. He divorced and has a second wife. she’s worse, IMHO. Fortunately, those two grands are adults so we don’t have to deal with her any more.
I think “it varies” is the best way to respond to this. I’ve heard many people say it’s not vastly different. I’ve been married for a while and haven’t used a condom in years, but as I recall, for me, it was quite different. Not terrible, of course.
It is my understanding that after a vasectomy sperm are still produced but, having no way to escape, eventually die off and are broken down. Being haploid and meiotic the immune system considers them Not Self and develops antibodies against them. Years later, the ducting is reconnected by microsurgery but the sperm themselves don’t swim so good.
I had my vasectomy at age 31. Just making conversation – he’d already started the procedure – the doc said, “You’re sure about this.”
“I’ve never been keen on having children and besides, I already have a couple nephews so the gene-line is continued.”
“You never hear about Einstein’s nephew, though.”
“One, I’m no Einstein and two, you never hear about his kids either – he had two of them.”
“Fair point.”
I had my vasectomy at 24 years of age. It was not easy, but it could be done, the third doctor said OK. I have never regretted it, my reasons still stand over 30 years later: I do not want to have kids. I had thought it through. My wife is OK with this, but my GF back then was sad and disappointed. She took it as a personal rejection. Which in a certain way, it was.
I never considered it an asset to boast about when looking for casual sex, I never mentioned it. I still used condoms, I don’t mind them and it was the high tide of AIDS back then anyway. When relations became serious, I did mention it and it was never a problem.
Let’s back up for a moment. There are actually two separate things which could be a turn-off (or not): one, having had a vasectomy; two, how you tell a possible sex-partner about it.
Regarding the vasectomy itself, it is unlikely to be a turn-on. I’m sure there are exceptions, but I have never heard a woman say that sex with a male using a condom was inferior to sex without one. So she’s not going to care, from a strictly physiological reaction point of view.
Beyond that, finding out you have had a vasectomy could be a plus, in terms of helping a partner relax and enjoy sex. If a woman really doesn’t want to get pregnant and she is certain it’s impossible, she might be more willing. But if she’s really motivated to avoid pregnancy, she’ll probably be on the pill, have an UID, or be getting depoprovera shots. So the vasectomy probably won’t matter.
In a subset of women (probably a small group and not the ones you want to hang out with anyway, if you are only interested in short-term relationships), the vasectomy would be a turn-off because they aren’t interested in pursuing any relationships unless there is a possibility of a long-term partnership/marriage, and they are sure they want kids.
Next let’s look at the way you approach the topic. I do think it is probably wise to tell potential partners fairly early on that you have been snipped; unless it is incredibly clear to both of you that you are only interested in a short-term hook-up. But the way you do it is important. If you can honestly give a thoughtful explanation of your firm commitment to not ever having children, that could possibly be a turn-on for the right woman - one who appreciates your introspection, commitment, and follow-through.
However, if your mention of your vasectomy has even a whiff of “hey hey baby, I got snipped so I could fuck lots of chicks bareback, now what say we go make some music together, IYKWIM,” chances are she’ll be really grossed out. This is so obviously a turn-off that I’m having trouble articulating exactly why, but maybe it is because: (a) it suggests to the woman that she’s only one of many, less of a person to be appreciated and more just a number to be counted in the “look how much I got laid after my vasectomy” sweepstakes; and (b) it suggests a willingness to ignore long-term consequences for short-term pleasures.
So that’s my take, as a woman who is older now but was quite the sex fiend between 15 and 25. I don’t presume to speak for every woman; maybe others will chime in with different thoughts.
The OP sounds like a mistake waiting to happen for all the wrong reasons. His later comments have done nothing to dispel my earlier misgivings.
Overall I agree with the trend of comments in the thread. I’d like to expand on this bit in particular:
A vasectomy scar is real obvious if you look at a scrotum. There’s not too many other procedures that involve a cut & stitches there. So a woman who was interested in sex but skeptical about the veracity of the claim could easily verify the presence or absence of the scar.
Funny inverted version of this happened to a friend. Really.
Shortly after college he had his childless 2-year starter marriage, got divorced, got a vasectomy. A few years later he’s early 30s and has had a woman living in his house with him for a couple years now. She starts pushing the “I want to get married” thing. He says “not interested.” As the months go on this gets more and more of an big deal / impasse. He’s getting ready to ask her to move out when she drops the Bomb. “I’m pregnant - here’s the test.”
He says “That’s nice; I had a vasectomy years before I met you. Remember all the unprotected sex we had all these years? Not my kid. Get your crap outta my house.” Color her very surprised!
Turns out she really was pregnant, it really was some one-nighter she’d had, presumably because she’d stopped her BC awhile before hoping to trap my friend and when the pregnancy just wasn’t happening she thought my friend just had wimpy sperm. So she got a “booster shot” from some other guy. Not a wise plan.
All those years they lived together, all the times she (presumably) observed his privates up close and personal and she never looked for the obvious scar. Oops.
Always preflight the equipment.
I’ve not found this to be the case at all. I used to do vasectomies, earlier in my career. They can be done with very tiny incisions which often do not even require suturing, just a little skin glue. And I’ve seen plenty in follow-up that left no real discernable scars, or scars that weren’t much different from your standard scrotal scrotal rugae.
@alanmartin, any response? I.e., to my post inquiring why you’re worried about paying for a procedure that is free from the NHS?
Mine was almost 50 years ago and I don’t know what might have changed since then, but my scars were tiny, no stitches, and effectively invisible within months.
Sex with a condom is like swimming with your socks on. Still better than none, IMHO.
You’ve seen far more than my sample size of 1. Well, 1 plus my friend’s assertion that his was pretty obvious, so sample size of 1 + 1 anecdata.
Appears the guy who did me was less than fastidious. For reference mine was done ~1992, about 3/8" long & closed w 3 dissolving sutures. Still pretty obvious almost 30 years later.
The scar thing is complete bullshit. I don’t have scars either.
When I was in my early 20s, I was certain that I didn’t want kids. In my case that has remained true over 30 years later. I have never, even for a moment, regretted my choice to remain childless. That said, many of my peers back then were just as certain as I and my then wife were and most of them changed their mind.
I met with a urologist at the age of 42 for a consultation after my divorce and got a little pushback. He wanted to make sure that I wasn’t doing it for emotional reasons. A few minutes of discussion convinced him that I was sincere and I eventually had the surgery.
Alrighty then. Consider my suggestion about vasectomy scars withdrawn.
The OP’s motivation for this thread takes an interesting turn when you consider it in concert with this other OP of his: