How did you win his or her love back?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A girl I really like broke up with me recently. She was my best friend and I miss her tremendously…and now she refuses to speak to me. I feel sad all the time. I did nothing wrong to cause the break-up…she just decided that I wasn’t right for her [for reasons that she never fully explained].

My questions to you are:

  1. Did your boyfriend or girlfriend ever break up with you? 2. Explain what you did to win him or her back. Did your plan work? Was your plan devious or deceptive? Did your plan involve arousing jealousy? How long did it take you to win him or her back?
  2. In your experience, what do you think the chances are of a couple getting back together after breaking up…by percentage. For example, I believe that the chances are about 5% or less.

I plan to follow your advice…I need it.

Thoughts?

2

IMHO, there isn’t much you can or should do. This will sound obvious, but really all you can do is be patient and happy with yourself. Maybe you will both feel some mutual attraction again. But you have to wait until you both feel it.

All the rest is bad hollywood movies. Wait 5-10 years and man will you be embarrased at some of the stuff you did to try “win” an ex back. I sure am.

3

Ask yourself very openly and honestly, do you really want to be with a person who breaks up with you for no reason and refuses to talk to you? It’s common, but it speaks volumes about how much she actually cared about you. I know how it feels, something similar happened to me in February and we’ve only spoken twice over e-mail and once over the phone since then. We were together for over three years and she was the closest I had ever gotten to another human being and my “best friend”. She had broken up with me twice before this because of “other guys” and if I were a stronger person, I would have paid attention to all the obvious signs, walked out a long time ago and saved a lot of face. I still think about her, but it’s not as bad as when it first happened.

Are you still actively trying to contact her via the phone, email or otherwise? If you are, it would probably be a good idea to stop. Basically, if you proceed in this manner, you’re telling her that you still want to be with her and giving her a sense of security. As long as you keep trying to talk to her, she’ll think you’ll always be there to fall back on if her plans don’t work out and there’s no great hurry in making a decision. If; however, she has no plans on getting back together, you’ll just end up annoying her. Keep in mind I’m just applying my experience to your life and your situation could be completely different. Good luck and try to be around caring friends and family as much as possible.

4

When I was 16 I dated this one guy for about 4 months. We were really hot for each other when we started dating but after a few months it just kind of fizzled. We never really broke up… he just started dating the girl that lived across the street from me and 6 months later they were married. How crushing is that!!

Well, 8 1/2 years later and about 5 months after my divorce in 1999 we ran into each other at a bar and started talking. He was getting a divorce (from the girl that lived across the street from me) and we hooked up again. It was great while it lasted but, unfortunately, while I was with him I met the love of my life and had to break it off.

So it does happen… it just usually doesn’t last. The best thing you can do is just move on. I think the best way to get someone to want you back is to completely ignore them and every time you see them, act like you’re having the time of your life… even if you’re really miserable inside.

5

You can’t.

It hurts when you know that person isn’t thinking of you when they hear love songs anymore. It hurts when something reminds you of them, and then you realize they’re not yours anymore. It hurts when the phone rings and you know it’s not them, and, most likely, never will be again. It hurts to lose your best friend.

You can’t win back love, no matter how much you want it back, no matter how hard you try. It doesn’t matter if it was six weeks, six months or six years that you were together. Once love is gone, it’s gone. And it’s not coming back.

A broken heart is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s hard to get used to the fact that the person you love deosn’t love you back anymore. Heh, it’s more than hard, it fucking sucks. But you’ll live. It may take a while to heal and go on, but it will happen.

I believe, if you truly love someone, continue to love them. Wish them the best, hope they find happiness, and keep them in your heart forever. Pining for a lost love doesn’t help anyone, it doesn’t do any good.

Have a good cry, get it all out. If one good cry isn’t enough, have another. One day you’ll find you don’t feel like crying anymore. Personally, I’m still waiting for that day to come.

Think I’ll go cry now,
Rose

6

Believe me, Mikey… you may think you want her to explain why she dumped you. Trust me, you don’t. By cutting if off clean, she’s doing you a favor. Move on.

7

Woah, scary. I almost thought you were my ex-boyfriend here to stalk me. The MO is similar, except for the not talking anymore. See, I went the whole “Let’s be friends” route, mostly because he really wanted to. I try to be friendly, but it’s getting hard. He can’t seem to understand that I don’t want to date him anymore and keeps trying to get me back. Sound familiar? Mutual friends say I’m confusing him because I talk to him and am friendly. So perhaps she was doing you a favor by just cutting you off.

My best advice from the other side of the trenches? Stop trying. I know it’s tough, but you are broken up. Find a fun hobby, meet new people. I don’t know how long you were dating, but for me it was 3 years. And before him I had just gotten out of another year with another guy. I’ve spent the last few months figuring out who I am and realizing that I really don’t need, or even want a guy in my life now. Leave her in your past, remember the good times, and figure out how to avoid the bad in the future. If the two of you were “meant to be,” you’ll drift back together. If not, then you’re wiser for the next girl.

Best of luck. :slight_smile:

8

“You cant change your tune, but you sure as hell can change the song”.

I’ve been through it more than once, focus your emotions on other things and dont count the hours. If you keep track you’ll never make any progress (believe me I know !)

9

[Not intended as a hijack… I will get to the question of the OP at the bottom of my post]

Mikey… you want some help, my friend? First, my story…

Ya know… I’m going through this right now, and it is sooo hard. Everything was going well for about 6 months… I started to think she’s “the one”.

However, a huge problem with our relationship is that we RUSHED in, but we were not individually “balanced” people because we were rebounding from previous turbulence and relationships in our lives. As a result, the relationship was unbalanced, and we fizzled… well… SHE fizzled.

I still think that she may be “the one” and I am having a hard time getting over her. We seem to have so much going for us [in MY eyes] that it seems hard to comprehend how two such people can have so much to offer each other, yet break up.

She says that “the door isn’t closed” on a potential future, but she needs to “step aside” while each of us “finds ourselves” independent of each other. However, she did say she “fell out of love” and she doesn’t know if her love well ever come back. The heart is the BIG X-Factor here. Even if we establish individual balance and fix our respective unbalanced “problems”, there’s no guarantee that her heart will ever return.

Now, I am torn between (1) the possibilty that we could get back together because “the door is open” and (2) the possibility that we could NEVER get back together because she “fell out of love.” I have been in limbo, and it sucks! I have racked my brain to figure out how to “make it work.”

After being broken up for about a month now… after trying desperately to convince her that she’s made a mistake in breaking up… after trying desperately to convince her that the future between us could be so wonderful… after trying desperately to “show” her that I am finding my individual balance… after trying desperately to point out all of the great things we could be… after trying desperately to point out our commonality… I am getting nothing but neutral responses back from her about our future. “Maybe someday, I just don’t know,” she says.

What am I learning from all of this? Maybe you can learn some of these things with me as we struggle through this time…

  1. Matters of the heart are natural, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. You cannot MAKE nature take its course. Despite all of my effort and thought, I cannot force another to love me, and neither can you. Even if a relationship “looks great on paper”, you gotta have that X-Factor… love.

  2. I have work to do on finding myself… and you probably do too. Take the time to do it. Enjoy and appreciate some time alone to think about how you can better fulfill yourself as an individual instead of trying to figure out how to “win” her back. For example, I have started multiple hobbies that I have wanted to do for some time now, but was too busy being in relationships to stop and make ME a priority.

  3. My efforts to be conversationally close to her after breaking up and trying to convince her to reconsider started to push her even farther away. Don’t do it. Give her space. Just go do your own thing. If she likes what you are doing for yourself, she’ll see that and come back around on her own terms. If not, then at least you are fulfilling yourself as an individual.

  4. Love yourself. Know that you are a great person, and that if she can’t appreciate all of the great things in you, then someone else down the road will. Her loss, right? Also, you must realize that you don’t want someone who will feel like they’re “settling” to be with you.

  5. It takes two hearts to have a relationship. One heart isn’t enough. You don’t want a one-hearted relationship. Realize that you’re better off without her if her heart isn’t there for you. If one heart is strong, and the other weak, then there’s no “match” and you must move on to find a “match.”

  6. Live for the present, not in limbo. It sounds like we have both been living in the gap between the ideal and the real. This is a bad place to be because you may never realize the ideal and in the meantime, you’ve wasted the beauty of the rest of your life that is real. You need to face the real and accept it for what it is. If you constantly live in the gap, life will pass you by. I will be open to getting back with her if she wants, but I can’t live my life in the gap wondering if nature will take its course. Neither should you. I once spent 4 months in the gap after a break up where I was told “maybe someday”. Now, I realize that the “maybe someday” meant never, all that time in the gap was virtually wasted, and now, I’m glad that the relationship ended.

  7. My case is different from yours in that I know exactly why we broke up. Also, she “left the door open” and we are still best friends. Despite the fact she left the door open, I need to move on because someday, that door may close right in my face, and I’ll be left with nothing but unfufilled empty hope. I am distancing myself.

  8. I agree with Chief Crunch. My ex-girlfriend has a good deal going on for herself as long as she knows she’s got me in her back pocket. If I drift away, then maybe she will want to follow. I know if I push her, she will go away for good. If she doesn’t want to follow, then I will drift into someone better suited for me. Keep your eyes open.

  9. Make sure you want to be with HER and that you are not motivated by a fear of being alone or some other personal insecurity.

That’s all for now. Good luck, buddy. It hurts sometimes, but keep on. Get outside. Be social. Have fun. Don’t dwell. Whether she comes back or not, you’ll be glad you did.

10

Also, I find that writing stuff out like I did above in a reasoned way is theraputic. Try it!

11
  1. Bearflag70…for the very well-reasoned and carefully thought-out post,
  2. Wicked Blue…for the emotional identification,
  3. Rachelle…for showing the absolute irony of unintended revenge,
  4. Chief Crunch…for unveiling the unvarnished truth,
  5. Little Bird…for telling of your similar personal experience,
  6. Lockfist…for your clever quote,
  7. Myron Van Horowitzski…for pointing out that sometimes not knowing is better, and
  8. China Guy…for reminding me to be happy with myself.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I’m going to distance myself from her and let it go.

Michael