Please help me win her over!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, I don’t know where else to turn. There’s an abundance of intelligence at the SDMB so maybe I’ll give this a shot. Here’s my story:

I lived with K for a year at college until last August. We got along ok, had our ups and downs, and our friendship, while somewhat close, was never really spectacularly so. I had always found her attractive, but was never really attracted to her. Well, maybe on some level I was, but I know I never developed romantic feelings for her during this time. She was dating someone for as long as we lived together, and broke up and got back together with him a few times along the way. She was, and still is in love with him.

Fast forward to December 2001. K and I haven’t been talking due to the fact that I dicked her over back in September. She IMs me one night in December, and our friendship is rekindled. Some weeks go by, we see each other a few times here and there, and things between us are happy and back to normal.

Early February - a bunch of us go to a local bar to celebrate our friend’s birthday. K and I dance a bit, flirt some… nothing out of the ordinary. She’s an affectionate person, and always has been so with me. Nothing out of the ordinary here, except for me beginning to think, “what if?(we were together)”

Early March - K’s birthday celebration. The usual dancing and subtle flirting between her and I. One very suggestive comment “You know I could like you, it’s just that you’re such a slob.” Ok the slob thing could be easily changed in my life. I’m rather adaptable when it comes to pleasing someone I’m interested in. Whoa! did I just say interested in K? Yes, that was when I first felt those warm and fuzzy feelings of romance for her. It was pretty shocking to me. But I rather like the idea of being with her. She’s absolutely beautiful, the kindest person I’ve ever met, affectionate, generous, funny, always thinks about others before herself… She’s just…damn… everything I look for in a woman. She’s very charming and doesn’t know it. I love that about her. Even when she used to make fun of me when we lived together I found it charming (most of the time). Which is probably why her teasing didn’t bother me. …Anyway, sorry for the tangent, I’ll continue. :smiley:

One week later - We’re at a local bar. Me, K, K’s friend J. Things start to heat up. We’re downing some beverages. Without using exact words, K reveals that she has feelings for me, or at least she has thought about dating me. She seems curious about it enough to give it a shot. We are a little more affectionate this night than we usually are… like some hand-holding with a little caressing thrown in, and some head leaning on my shoulder. I want to kiss her! But, she is still not over her ex-boyfriend, she tells me (damn those exes!! :mad: ). Her feelings for him are holding her back. Alas, I am still kicking myself to this day for not kissing her that night. :frowning:

Fast forward another week - We hadn’t talked about our encounter at the bar from a week earlier, just sort of swept it under the rug. I meet her for dinner so we can discuss this. I tell her I have feelings for her. She tells me that sometimes she sees us happily together, and other times she thinks we are better off staying close friends. She basically tells me that she’d consider being with me, but that she couldn’t right now because she is still in love with her ex. damn exes!!:mad:

2

So, I don’t know where else to turn. There’s an abundance of intelligence at the SDMB so maybe I’ll give this a shot. Here’s my story:

I lived with K for a year at college until last August. We got along ok, had our ups and downs, and our friendship, while somewhat close, was never really spectacularly so. I had always found her attractive, but was never really attracted to her. Well, maybe on some level I was, but I know I never developed romantic feelings for her during this time. She was dating someone for as long as we lived together, and broke up and got back together with him a few times along the way. She was, and still is in love with him.

Fast forward to December 2001. K and I haven’t been talking due to the fact that I dicked her over back in September. She IMs me one night in December, and our friendship is rekindled. Some weeks go by, we see each other a few times here and there, and things between us are happy and back to normal.

Early February - a bunch of us go to a local bar to celebrate our friend’s birthday. K and I dance a bit, flirt some… nothing out of the ordinary. She’s an affectionate person, and always has been so with me. Nothing out of the ordinary here, except for me beginning to think, “what if?(we were together)”

Early March - K’s birthday celebration. The usual dancing and subtle flirting between her and I. One very suggestive comment “You know I could like you, it’s just that you’re such a slob.” Ok the slob thing could be easily changed in my life. I’m rather adaptable when it comes to pleasing someone I’m interested in. Whoa! did I just say interested in K? Yes, that was when I first felt those warm and fuzzy feelings of romance for her. It was pretty shocking to me. But I rather like the idea of being with her. She’s absolutely beautiful, the kindest person I’ve ever met, affectionate, generous, funny, always thinks about others before herself… She’s just…damn… everything I look for in a woman. She’s very charming and doesn’t know it. I love that about her. Even when she used to make fun of me when we lived together I found it charming (most of the time). Which is probably why her teasing didn’t bother me. …Anyway, sorry for the tangent, I’ll continue. :smiley:

One week later - We’re at a local bar. Me, K, K’s friend J. Things start to heat up. We’re downing some beverages. Without using exact words, K reveals that she has feelings for me, or at least she has thought about dating me. She seems curious about it enough to give it a shot. We are a little more affectionate this night than we usually are… like some hand-holding with a little caressing thrown in, and some head leaning on my shoulder. I want to kiss her! But, she is still not over her ex-boyfriend, she tells me (damn those exes!! :mad: ). Her feelings for him are holding her back. Alas, I am still kicking myself to this day for not kissing her that night. :frowning:

Fast forward another week - We hadn’t talked about our encounter at the bar from a week earlier, just sort of swept it under the rug. I meet her for dinner so we can discuss this. I tell her I have feelings for her. She tells me that sometimes she sees us happily together, and other times she thinks we are better off staying close friends. She basically tells me that she’d consider being with me, but that she couldn’t right now because she is still in love with her ex. damn exes!!:mad:

So ok, I have to wait, no big deal… She’ll eventually realize that I’m the right guy, she’ll fall in love with me and we’ll live blissfully ever after. Well, I learn this week that this passive approach to winning her over her is NOT going to work. Yes, the ex is back in the picture. He called her and says he still loves her and misses her and wants to see her.:frowning: She tells me that she wants to get back together with him, and keep in mind she’s well aware of my feelings for her. Now I’m left with the possibility of never having known if we could have been right for each other. Even if I didn’t have any feelings for K, I still wouldn’t want to see her get back with her ex. They’ve broken up and gotten back together several times now. I don’t want to see her running around in circles with this guy and getting hurt all over again. Who knows, maybe it would work out with she and him this time around. I don’t think it will, but still, I want a chance! Time is running out for me, what should I do? Dopers, please help!

Thank you !!

3

Don’t pressure. YMMV, but just being stable and approachable is getting you points. If it doesn’t look like she’s ever going to finish with Mr. X, set sights elsewhere. Be patient. Pushing is a gamble that can work in your favor, but if you wait her out, she’ll know she can count on you.

And if you just get sick of waiting, then tell her, “Dammit, K, I’m crazy about you, and I can’t wait like this any more!” and see what happens.

It all depends on how long you are willing to wait. If you take advantage of your now-friendly relationship to move in, she and Mr. X might in the end see you as the wedge that broke them apart, and not much more than that.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t tell her how you feel. Seems you already have.

4

Ok, I hit enter by accident before I was finished typing this. Woops! Please refer to the other thread I posted with the same title. Sorry for the confusion!

5

I was in the exact same position a while back. She was even lying in my bed…I wondered for so long if I should have taken the chance.

Makes you just want to jump out of your skin, don’t it…

6

Act all fuzzily romantic and all that shit. It might work.

You know, the kind of stuff you see in movies. You never know.

7

I’ll just re-enter what I wrote in the other thread:

Don’t pressure. YMMV, but just being stable and approachable is getting you points. If it doesn’t look like she’s ever going to finish with Mr. X, set sights elsewhere. Be patient. Pushing is a gamble that can work in your favor, but if you wait her out, she’ll know she can count on you.

And if you just get sick of waiting, then tell her, “Dammit, K, I’m crazy about you, and I can’t wait like this any more!” and see what happens.

It all depends on how long you are willing to wait. If you take advantage of your now-friendly relationship to move in, she and Mr. X might in the end see you as the wedge that broke them apart, and not much more than that.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t tell her how you feel. Seems you already have.

–Now I’ve seen the final paragraph and you’re feeling like you let her slip through your fingers. Well, no sense in kicking yourself. If they’ve been an on-again-off-again couple, your chance will come again. Just stay conspicuous. She may not come running to you (or she might), but she will know that you were there for her.

It sucks having to watch, but I’ve never seen the Blitz work in this situation. Time is only running out if you find out you have terminal cancer.

8

kuroashi, thanks for posting your message again. Maybe one of the mods could delete my other, incomplete thread?

9

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy; When will my gender ever learn?

BillyGnos , if you want her you’ve got to take controll of the situation! Don’t get yourself all involved with the emotional part of it, becuase if you do you will only wind up second guessing yourself at every turn.

Also take what she tells you about “still being in love with her ex” with a grain of salt. I’ve seen women like these more times than I can count. For some reason they get in a rut and are afraid to try something else. Even though they know they need a change. I think fear plays a major part in this behaviour.

Here is what you should do if you really want her:

Take her firmly and confidently into your arms, give her the best damn kiss yu ever gave anybody in your entire life and tell her something to the efect of “I don’t give a damn about nothing all I know is I want you so bad it hurts. and lifes too short to be waiting around!”

And BillyGnos If you do take this advice do it with confidence . because you want her to think you know exactly what you’re doing.

Good luck.

10

Act all fuzzily romantic and all that shit. It might work.

You know, the kind of stuff you see in movies. You never know.

11

Please refer the my other thread of the same title. The OP here isn’t complete. Thanks!

12

Or that…

BG, you’ll know when it’s the right time to do that. You will instinctively know. Taking what she says with a grain of salt…Well, do you believe that she’s in love with the guy or not? Did she convince you. If not, then hey, go for it, yeah. We don’t know her like you do. There are people who say what they mean, exactly, and others who are wafflers. I think SHAKES and I come from different experiences, in Texas and Japan.

Either way, confidence isn’t an image you present, it is what you are. If you aren’t doing what comes natural to you, a five-year-old will see right through it.

13

I wonder if the Mods can splice…

14

I know her very well, better than most of her friends. She is definitely in love with this guy. But I think she wants him back because it’s comfortable. She’s afraid of change.

A random kiss isn’t the right move here, I think. I’ll have to accomplish my task with conversation.

Thanks for the replies so far!

15

Don’t forget, you don’t want to be just a “rebound” (which it could turn out to be).

16

That’s not love. That’s habit, and people like habits, especially the ones that they know they should quit. You can wait for the wheel to turn again, which might be helped along by your presence, or just force her out of the habit, but that only works if you do the SHAKES-style kiss and ride off with her for a long weekend, semi-kidnapping. It’s like quitting smoking cold turkey.

Speaking of which…

17

Hi,

I’m new to the board, but I’ve been lurking for a while :slight_smile:
BillyGnos, I’ve been in the exact same situation as you are - except from the other side - I was the girl!

Basically, this guy and I, I’ll call him A, had been friends since our first day at uni, and by our 3rd year, we were good friends, and living together. Here’s the catch - I thought I was madly in love with someone else. I never in my wildest dreams had thought about A in “that kind of way”. But after having had my heart broken, continually, by the other guy - he’d do the “I fancy you, but I don’t want to get into a relationship with you” kind of thing, I’d said that enough was enough and I didn’t want to play this silly game anymore.

Anyway, a couple of weeks after that, I was upset - I think over nothing major - I was just stressed out because of exams and the like, and I started crying. So A decides to give me a hug, and whilst he’s holding me, somthing “clicks” inside me, and I realise that yes, this is the guy I really love!

So, we’ve been together for over a year know, and things are working out great.

My advice to you, BillyGnos, is to go for it - wait for the right moment, and you’ll know what that moment is when it arises, but just go for it. Judging from how close you say the two of you are, it’ll probably be beautiful :slight_smile:

18

BillyGnos, I only say this because I care.

Run. Run away and do not look back. All that lies on this path is heartache.

She is the definition of ‘emotionally unavailable’.

19

Short answer: You can’t win her over.

The only way a relationship between the two of you could ever work is if she gets over her boyfriend and then pursues you, all completely on her own. You can’t encourage her/support her at all, because if you do, your relationship will be doomed to failure: you will always be tangled up with this old relationship. Furthermore, you can’t be a good friend to her in this situation: your motives are horribly biased and suspect, and even if you could rise above it, which you can’t, she will always suspect that you didn’t. The only thing you can do is become a friendly, casual aquaintance, quit touching her even casually, and let nature take its course.

This won’t help at all now, but it may later: odn’t worry so much about missing some cosmic “one chance”. That is Hollywood brainwashing. If you persue this girl and let yourself become mroe and more obsessed with her, you will never get to find out what would have happened with that smart, funny girl from California that you are going to meet in a month, or that incredibly hot nyphomaniac that your brother’s going to introduce you too next year, or that forign student that is going to be in your class next semester: life is full of choices, and we never get to see what ‘would have happened’ in 99% of them. SO there is no point in spending alot of time obsessing about ‘only chances’. You’ve probably already met half a dozen girls that could have beenthe love of your life, only the timing never worked.

20

I hate to say it, but I agree with the advice here. It would be much healthier for me to become involved with a girl who is unattached. But, I have been unable to find someone like this who is right for me. With regards to getting back together with her ex, I told K to think with her head, not with her heart. Perhaps I should take my own advice.