My sister died in March and was cremated. My brother made all the arrangements, but I haven’t heard what happened with them after that. (We are not on good terms; in fact, I’m hesitant to ask at all for fear he won’t answer at all, which is his thing.)
I can’t decide a respectful way to ask. The best I can come up with is “something something disposition…” but that word is too close to “disposed” to my ear.
Anyone who’s good at this and doesn’t have the baggage?
You can ask him if there’s a burial plot where your sister’s remains are interred, as you’d like to visit it sometime. Heck, if there is maybe you can just locate it on Find A Grave without asking him at all.
That’s a good suggestion in general, but very unlikely, unfortunately. Gail had very little money and used an organization that does cremations for a low cost. I talked to her about it before she passed, but didn’t think to ask about their final destination. (See? That’s wrong, too.)
She loved the sea and sailed extensively for some years, so a scattering would seem most appropriate to me. And he lives in San Diego, so I’m sure it would be simple enough.
Damn, something reasonable just crossed my mind, and I’ve already forgotten it. Remembering Gail brings very strong emotions that impair thought, I’m afraid.
If you can find the name of the funeral home, you could try asking them.
You could phrase things in a way that telling you the truth will be your brother’s best “dick move”.
The first thing that came to mind was asking him if you could have some of her ashes. Then his most inconsiderate response would be “Too late, I already scattered them in the ocean. You should’ve asked sooner.” And you get the truth.
But the guy might surprise you and say “I’ve been thinking we should do something meaningful with them. What do you think?”
Thanks for the responses, everyone. Over in this thread, @Thelma Lou uses the term “disposition.” I trust her in all matters, so I’ll get over my etymological hangups and say that.
Yeah, I get that. The two words are very close. I just looked up synonyms for disposition, but there weren’t any great ones for this situation. “Arrangement” was one.
The suggestion to ask him for some of the ashes is a good one and might elicit the info you want, one way or the other. Or “I was thinking about Gail and wondering where her ashes are. What are your plans for them?”
I’m so sorry this is a thorny issue in your family. Death in March is excruciatingly recent. My heart is breaking for you.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m not entirely sure why you want to know. I would ask, "Where are [sister]'s ashes now? I am asking because i would like…
“to have some for a memorial in my home.”
“to spread some in her favorite place.”
“to inter some in my garden in remembrance of her.”
“to visit her remains.”
“to place some flowers at her final resting place.”
“to leave some of her favorite things in her final resting place.”
“to tell my kids where their aunt lays.”
“to participate in her memorial ceremony if you haven’t held it yet.”
“to help you plan how to inter them if you haven’t already decided.”
“to know that her interment was how she would have wanted it, even if I couldn’t attend.”
That list brought up a good question: why do you need to give a reason? You don’t have to justify asking, just ask.
“Where are [sister]'s ashes now?”
or less abruptly:
“So I’ve been wondering, where are [sister]'s ashes?”
And if I were the one asking, I’d do it in a text. Or maybe via email. Because over the phone I’d start blathering and coming up with awkward excuses for why I want to know and why I’m asking and why I haven’t asked before and I’d end up embarrassing both of us…
Because you are more likely to get an honest answer if people are sympathetic to your motives.
Or get an answer at all. The OP said:
Thank you.
As you suggest, I just want to ask without giving a reason. Mainly because that reason would be, “Because she was my sister, too, asshole.”
It will absolutely be in an email. It was hard enough for both of us to remain civil when he called to tell me she’d passed.
Just to make it clear, I have a huge amount of responsibility for the deterioration of our relationship. But that’s for a thread I’ll never start.
Yeah, but we all know it’s mostly him.
;~}
Well, he’s the oldest, so he got a head start.
Lil Sis, I hated you before you were born! You were that bad!!!1!1!
[Meant to be seen as funny, not mean. I hope you take it that way.]
If you can get a copy of it, the death certificate often has a space for ultimate destination of the body/remains. Death certificate might be available for a nominal cost from the local government agency (thereby obviating the need to interact further with brother).