How do I fit into my step mother's family after my dad died? LONG

In My Humble Opinion
1

About one year after my biological mother died my dad married his former HS sweetheart. The family he married into was fairly well-off. Most of them live in the same small town within a few minutes drive from my dad and step-mom’s house. My brother and I also lived within an hour’s drive so we could also help them with things as needed. Between his new in-laws and my brother and I, they were assured of being taken care of.

After a few years of marital bliss he started showing signs of dementia. It eventually got bad enough that he had to be placed in a care facility so he wouldn’t hurt himself or anybody else. Since I live closer than my brother, I’d take step-mom to the care center to visit dad about once a week and then we’d go out to lunch or some sort of activity. Eventually his head didn’t work with his body, a bunch of medical stuff happened and he died.

In the mean time, my brother retired and moved far away making him pretty much unavailable except in the gravest of situations. So that left me to be the only nearby blood relative to help out with my dad’s long term illness. Not great but then there is nothing great about your dad having dementia. Watching someone slowly have their mind turn to mush is not pretty.

After his passing, his widow was understandably distraught. My brother and I still try to keep in touch with her via phone. She also had her large family nearby so she had plenty of support.

This elderly woman seems to have given up on life since my dad passed. Over the past few months it seems like she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me or my brother. She’ll talk on the phone but has no desire to have me come to see her. She’s always got some excuse. She is rather frail but she’s still sharp and gets around ok, so none of her excuses hold water.

She still lives in her own house and with her family’s help she seems ok. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t NEED me or my brother to do anything for her. But given all she and her family did for my dad in his declining years I feel like I have some sort of obligation to help.

To cut to the chase, how much obligation do I have? It seems that when my dad died that was the end of my connection with her and her family from her standpoint. I didn’t want it that way but that’s how it seems to have ended up. My wife thinks I’m beating a dead horse trying to keep up a relationship with step mom and her family.

Truth is that I never really liked her or her family to begin with. They are nice people but I have nothing in common with any of them. There’s a fake cordiality but there’s no animosity that I detect. I have absolutely no emotional attachment to any of them.

In a way I’d be relieved to just walk away but I’d feel really bad doing so given how they helped my dad. I suppose I could be a bit more forceful about doing stuff for her but if she doesn’t want it, what’s the point?

I don’t really expect any answers from Dopers, just looking for some encouragement or gathering of thoughts beyond my own.

2

You sort of don’t have an obligation at this point.

You can’t force an emotional attachment. There either is or isn’t one.

Be cordial, keep the door open so to speak, but don’t impose on them. Express your gratitude for how they helped your dad if/when the opportunity arises. A cordial distance is not a terrible thing.

3

@Broomstick nailed it.

I have not had exactly your experience, but something in that same direction. IOW, some social relationship with retirement-aged Dad’s second wife & her extended family that atrophied to zero almost immediately after Dad unexpectedly became ill and died a couple months later at a relatively young age.

And as a recent condo president here in oldster-filled South Florida I have watched this drama play out in two couples now fully deceased, and one couple whose descent into Alzheimer’s special hell is ongoing right now.

My thoughts:

Particularly where money is involved (and money is always involved when you’re dealing with elderly folks) lots of bio-families see nothing but a threat in step-anybodies hanging around. Late second marriages are ripe for those problems.

Your Dad’s second wife may be feeling pressure from her children, siblings, etc., to drop you and they’re essentially threatening to leave her in the lurch if she tries to turn to you for elder support.

I might choose to write 2nd wife a nice letter of thanks for all she and her family did for your father. If the anniversary of Dad’s death is imminent you might time it around then and mention you hope she’s climbing out of her own grief as you are. (Even if you’re not really doing all that well yourself). End on a positive note about her future and quit right there. Make no hint that this is your last missive to her; this is just another way of you telling her how much her efforts for Dad’s benefit were and still are appreciated.

After sending that, quit bugging her; you’ve fulfilled your obligation to her and ended your participation in the relationship (such as it was/is) as a class act.

She may treasure that note later even if she never speaks to you again, or ever tells her family of it. Or she may simply pitch it. You will neither know nor care. If at some future time she reaches out to you, do what feels right then about the situation then. Not about the recent past you’ve already drawn a line under. Have no rancor but also have no expectations.

4

Damn, Broomie - why’d ya go an end the thread in a single response?! And after she slammed the door, LSL - you gotta throw the lock?

You OWE nothing. By the same measure, you ought to EXPECT nothing. And your only guide ought to be to try to live your life as the person you want to be.

I could go on w/ some detail as to my wife’s relationship w/ her step family, but like I said, you have your answer.

5

SLSGuy unexpectedly covered a lot of territory. Yes there was money involved but the outcome of all that was predetermined by a pre-nup. And what SLS said was pretty much what happened, but in reverse.

Dad’s life insurance had his wife, my brother and me as designated beneficiaries, shared equally 3 ways. But then she gave my brother and me HER share of the dad’s life insurance, which was totally unexpected and she didn’t need to do. With the check came a hand written letter. And re-reading the letter, it could be taken as a sort of “kiss off”. Paraphrasing, “Here’s a chunk of money, it’s been nice and let’s get together now and then to reminisce about your dad”. I may have misinterpreted that as “I’m lonely so I want you to be around, here’s some money to keep you coming back”

She doesn’t need the money, she’s not a 1 percenter but she’s not hurting at all. Her first hubby left her very well off.

It never occurred to me that the letter might be a “soft” good-bye. My bro also got a similar letter with his check.

6

Honestly, her giving you and your brother her share of your dad’s life insurance was a VERY nice gesture, and in my experience very unusual.

I wouldn’t read that as a “kiss off”. Take it as the nice gesture it is. I like what @LSLGuy said about a cordial letter around the anniversary of your dad’s passing.

After that, let her take the initiative on further communication.

7

I bet that’s exactly what it was. Just as the letter I advocated for you to write would be a soft goodbye the other way.

8

I wonder if there’s some misplaced fear on the part of her or her family that you’re gunning for an inheritance from her.

As everyone else has said, you’ve made a great effort and have been rebuffed. She no longer wants a relationship. It might be that seeing you reminds her too much of your dad and it’s hurting the grieving process.

9

It’s not easy. My father very much integrated into his second marriage and family. After the first xmas of being welcomed but treated like a complete after thought (me and your step siblings kicked in to buy you a 6 pack of Michelob, from all of us), I never attended a holiday in person for more than 40+ years.

I like my step mother and step siblings, it’s just I won’t make a massive effort to go see them and vice versa. Twice during covid when visiting my eldest in LA, we did the drive to San Diego and it was nice to see them. But I’m not flying from Seattle to San Diego for a nice visit. Oh, and the money in my father’s estate went to his wife, even though he had provisioned that "all the kids on both sides of the family irrespective would get $10k. Maybe that happens when my step-mother passes but I’m not holding my breadth.

I’ve known them for 35 years, but all of which I lived abroad or out of state. We text occaisionally and that’s about it.

@Mortimus I read step mother giving you her share of the insurance as generous, a nice gesture, and perhaps a message of not exactly goodbye but you’re not obligated to stay in touch.