I am angry at my parents. I am ready to sever the ties between us. Our relationship has not always been the best. My dad has never held a job for as long as I can remember. My mom has always worked. My dad has always been a priority to her. He smokes, his cigarettes have always come first. Before bills, before groceries, before us kids. I can honestly say I did not have a happy childhood. I moved out when I was 17. There has been a reversal in our relationship, they are the immature ones who can’t budget. I remember being so poor, I sold plasma to buy diapers for my first kid. I couldn’t ask my parents to barrow money. My parents have never slipped me a twenty when they knew I didn’t have any milk in the house. When my husband and I became more financially able, I did for them. Stopping by the grocery store on my way to their house to take food to them. Giving them money for gas. Taking them out to eat. I did this all for my mom. In the last couple of years its been more like they ask for more and more. A couple of years ago we loaned them 1000 for car repairs, got about 500 back, we finally told them at Christmas time some 9 months later to forget the rest, as a present from us. I have decided that I can’t help them anymore, and they give me grief over it. I can’t stand the way that they make me feel after I tell them I can’t help them, by giving them money or whatever.
In the past I have allowed them to continually use me. They never have any money. We have several times in the past loaned them money ( in large sums ), given them money ( in small sums ) and paid their bills for them. Just last month ( November) I gave my mom money to pay her rent. She said she was going to pay me back. I haven’t seen but half of it. I talked to her tonight on the phone. We had a screaming match. She and my sister went gambling yesterday. We are less than a week away from Christmas. I don’t understand how in her mind she has money to go gambling and no money to pay me back. I have five kids to buy presents for. ( Three of my own, her own grandkids, and two step daughters) Any one who has multiple kids knows this time of year, every penny counts. She knows that I wanted to finish my shopping up on Sunday. Even 50 would help.
My mom actually told me that I would have to wait until January to get the money she owes me, as she won’t have it until after Christmas. I told her to forget about it. If she thought that little of me and my families needs that it wasn’t worth the money. My husband hasn’t said a lot in the past about me loaning/giving my family money. Tonight I told him I have had enough. I will not do this anymore. What I am wondering, what is the best way to go about this. Should I just distance myself from them? Should I move on with my life? Should I ask them to go to counseling with me, so I can express my anger? Should I just simply never call or answer the phone when they call?
I think there is something called “tough love.” That means you are not going to be the welfare center any more. And it sounds like you already made a decision. I would not totally cut myself off, but I would not give another cent. You might find that they will then ignore you when they find they cannot get from you again. You’ve already been a very admirable person, but life is short, and it’s time for you to enjoy life without gamblers sucking your blood. Good luck and peace.
Leave. Now. Dont look back. Dont feel guilty. You need to establish your independence completly before you can ever rebuild your relationship with your parents. The first step in demonstrating that is to sever all financial ties, and if necesary all other ties for a while.
Been there, Misstee, at all crucial points…the story’s a bit different, but the moral’s the same. Your parents will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated…and once you change your MO, it will take them awhile to figure it out. They’ll probably be really pissed off about it for awhile, and they’ll hurl all kinds of accusations at you, and if you remind them of the REAL story, they’ll claim they don’t remember, or that you’re making it up, or that you’re dramatizing, or that you’re a bad daughter, etc., etc., etc…
Water off a duck’s back. Stick to your guns. They’ll eventually come around. And if they don’t, they don’t deserve you anyway. The trick is to always remind yourself that YOU are the rational adult in this situation, and it is your job to be mature and not get involved in any petty back-and-forth. Just walk away if the temptation arises, until finally they figure it out.
Trust me on this one.
I am in no way defending your parents’ actions, BUT:
If you loan money to somebody, particularly a friend or family, and you don’t give them a definite amount of time to pay it back, it’s really your fault. I’m sorry to say that, and I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but it’s the truth.
It’s a terrible thing for someone to spend money wastefully when they owe money to someone who could use it for neccessities. I’m not defending that. I’m just saying that if you’re going to engage in the practice of loaning money to a family and friends, you’ve got to either be specific about the terms or allow them to pay at their own pace. On top of that, you should be prepared to not get payed back at all and not let it get to you.
You should never loan money that you can’t spare. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve learned that the hard way as well.
It sounds like you might have other non-money related problems with your parents, I don’t know. But if the only problems are money related, it would be a shame if that came between your relationship with your parents. If that’s the case, just make it clear that there will be no further financial dealings between you and put it in the past.
Just my 2 cents…