How do I let my wife know I don't find her stupid, just her birth culture?

In My Humble Opinion
101

I think you are spot on the guilt thing, she constantly almost obsessively brings up things she could have done differently that she thinks caused his autism. Stuff like letting him watch African music videos on youtube he liked, she thinks the language they were speaking in the song inhibited his language development because the sounds he makes must be trying to copy the singers language.

I ALWAYS tell her not a chance, he has had plenty exposure to english otherwise and evenly horribly isolated and abused kids without autism learn to speak. There is not much you can do to stop language use in a kid.

I tell her it isn’t her fault, but she finds another minor reason it could be which I also do my best to debunk. I outright tell her it is my “fault” even though I did not know at the time we had him, it was only later when he showed issues I explored it and realized my parents saying I was diagnosed with “being too hyper to talk” was total bullshit. I just did not spend much time worrying about my childhood before I talked until we were trying to figure out what was different with our son.

I don’t know if there is anyone offering ABA here, most parents either put their kids hidden at home or in a hospital. Its like the 1950s in the USA.

102

There is a local TV program called Crime Watch which focuses on crime and sometimes kind of consumer issues type of thing.

One episode years ago had an indian(I mention this to show it was a very different area of this racially self segregated country to where I live) family begging for help with their possibly autistic son. They were just using local slang like bobolee (retarded or something similar)and asking for financial help from the government or public.

They showed a naked(no nudity was shown they blurred it of course) 18 year old guy in a totally bare and empty cage in their house, they had the entrance to a room barred to keep him in. What shocked me was he had nothing in the cage to interest him or occupy his mind, not a single toy or book or anything. I have no idea what he did for using the toilet.

It is very possible they staged it to look worse for TV, but who knows and I do know it was social nastiness and talk about spirits that caused them to hide him in the house.

My wife was just as horrified as I was and always refers back to it(she just did not 20 minutes ago saying this is pretty much the standard aside from a mental hospital for the country in dealing with an autistic relative).

My point is this is the end result of worrying excessively about what people say or think, and I am not saying I think my wife would do such a horrible thing just that lack of acceptance locally leads to shit like this.

And just for info sake my wife is just as against hospital or institutionalization as I am, so that is not an issue of conflict.

Our son is extremely attached to us, we are the only people except for family that lives directly next door he interacts with at all. And he even will come show us things he thinks are cool just to show us, my wife finds he is too attached to us but I have told her this is good and is starting from a better place than some kids who have no human attachments at all. The fact he is connected to us is something that shows promise not a problem to be solved.

103

I think you are dealing with many things at once-- Living overseas, a cross-cultural relationship, cross-cultural child rearing, a death in the family, an autistic child, your own place on the spectrum. All of these things are HARD.

I understand that you do not care what people think. You also a foreigner, which can be kind of liberating in a way. I remember the day I realized that people were going to think I was a freak no matter what I did, so it wasn’t really worth worrying about.

But fitting in with the community has a long history. It’s what keeps your tribe cohesive and keeps the tribe from the other side of the river from overrunning you. In modern times, it can seem cruel and pointless, but historically it has served a very good purpose. And for most people it is a strong force. Added to that, your wife is likely mourning the neuro-typical child she never had. And people in grief can retreat in to themselves. It’s not a time when people feel ready to confront the world head on.

I think if you can articulate small things that you would like to do-- like your recent outing-- and present them with no pressure or additional expectations, that will help. Your wife may feel overwhelmed that you just want everything to be completely different, and that may make her want to just give up.

Finally, please do look in to the help available state side. If you had a friend in the same situation as you, wouldn’t that be your advice to him?

104

Yes you’re right I’m dealing with several things, honestly before my son living here wasn’t an issue for me aside from minor annoyances, my wife was dealing with a lot of issues dealing with her community though stuff like people saying she was thinking she felt she was too good for black guys etc. And she was invested in fighting it and felt kind of righteous I think, and I agreed with her and supported her any way I could even if it didn’t hurt me personally. But it was just stuff people thought in private. This just snowballed once our son was born, now no one could ignore us in public and it rose to verbal comments. Even on facebook she has a ton of Trini friends and just posting a pic of us or our son would get critical or harrassing comments she would delete but she still had a righteous feeling.

And I feel like once he got old enough his not talking or strange behaviour in public couldn’t be ignored anymore or put to his age and people took it as a cue to say shit or harass us she lost the righteous feeling and just feels defeated or like they are right somehow. Or she just can’t take it anymore and doesn’t see the way out.

Even in the grocery yesterday where my son wasn’t doing anything really disruptive just odd like not listening to verbal commands or spinning in a circle in one spot and the crowd was mixed and we weren’t the only mixed couple in the mall when I walked away and left her in the long line to checkout and pay someone else in line turned to her and made comments about me and him, look at how shit white parents are and how bad of brats their kids are because they did not realize we were together. They think they are commiserating with her by attacking us but bring her down with what they say, I’ve sometimes overheard it while walking away. This happens nearly every time we go out, even though we’re talking and don’t try to hide that we’re together.
This happened when he was still a baby strapped to me(not calling him a brat though) and I would walk up and start talking to her but at the time we laughed.

When I came back I heard her telling someone in the line he is not 9 but 5 and he has autism, cue more talking about what that means etc. The facial expression when people realize she is his mom is hilarious, oh shit.

But this is among the best it gets here, pretty much ideal conditions socially by local standards. Still better than where she is from and I don’t expect or want her to be a robot like me, just want her to be with us.

I get it, she is sick of the nasty comments people think of her son, she is sick of being a walking autism awareness campaign.

I think your advice on asking her small concrete goals or actions is good. I should stop asking her for instance to change her whole concept of how to deal with him and should just ask for direct small changes like from now on like just feed him what he wants before bed period to start.

And you made me realize after her mom died she did shutdown and withdraw hard, friction between us was me trying to be there for her and she wanted to withdraw and I was confused thinking I was doing something wrong.

Thanks.

105

I’m starting to realize just how isolated my wife is and can’t even look to her blood family for support, I was outside with our son and it started drizzling and one of her family said tell your husband to get in from the rain(rain has some kind of negative value) and she said he is a grown ass man if he wants to stay in the rain he will.

Yes she told her family I had autism as a kid, when she told me I was like holy shit do you realize what you just did to yourself:eek: and her aunt is a blabbermouth gossip of epic proportions, I think she was trying to accomplish making them see our son could turn out like me but even I could see the real result. I know I’ll never be treated the same here from this thread but I was so desperate I said F it, I rarely post in GD or the pit. I told her I’ll start conforming to some of the nonsense just to help her out and stop comments, which I already do in public.

She has an epic amount of guilt and a kind of denial, she also has basic errors in her concept of autism I’m trying to root out and change if she will listen.

I’ll stop bumping the thread with replies unless I have a big update which I hope I do, I’m sure it is annoying people. To everyone thank you for your advice, it did help and both opened my eyes and helped me see things from her POV and connect a little better.

106

You guys(and girls) give AWESOME marriage advice once the parameters are correctly established by the poster. I thank everyone who helped by sharing advice, thank you! You did help this family.

Things have become a lot better, for one thing I am under less stress and sleep dep which surprise allows me to function at a higher cognitive level. Shocker I know.

We negotiated a system where I leave him home some, but still take him when I feel it valuable to him to experience it. She works more on the homeschooling end when he is here.

I sometimes think my posts give a wrong impression of me, I neither want nor expect middle USA values. I’d go crazy living that lifestyle, I am adventurous to the point of it being unwise. My posting style is very different than my talking style, hell my speech is a mix of unaccented english and patois(right term?) and phrases in a trini accent(my wife worried about being an oddity in the USA, I told her hell at this point a dad who absentmindedly yells at his kid “boy stop that nah” with accent is going to be a oddity). But this happened accidentally, and I don’t care to absorb the dysfunctional aspects.
Sometimes when posting I type something and go doh and backspace, which just adds to the overhead. Things I liked about her like her not trying to change me or always seeking nonstop constant emotional validation, we had a dynamic where I pushed and she balked initially but then joined in like actually walking in the rain when we were first together turned to her finding me annoying and stupid after the autism.
I had to pick at her(her term) until she finally cracked and shared her real feelings.
Here was the real problem, she said since I shared that I was autistic she saw everything I did through that lens and it wasn’t flattering. Plus as my stress increased basically battling her over our son I started acting more autistic, which just made things worse.
And she hated me framing everything my son did in that frame, oh he craves routine because he is autistic etc. She said she actually cares less about what people say or tell her than me, she tells me to show how stupid they are. I don’t know if I believe this.

She said you let a five year old dictate where you go, you let him lead you around by the hand, you let him decide what he eats, and that is ridiculous I don’t care if he has autism. She sees ALL children as stupid and is need of constant correction autistic or not, I see it as annoying and soul draining unless logical and safety is at stake. Kids need guidance not a barking drill sergeant. I also let him do things like lead me to stand in the rain and watch him dance, I see it as watching someone with fresh eyes see the world and she sees it as rank stupidity and bad parenting.

To be honest I think we’re dealing with a three spectrum household here, she will NEVER accept that though.

Since the autism thing she started not sharing her feelings about me just hoping I would make the first move, this is normal here and yes it is dysfunctional. There are a ton of spousal murders even prominent people.

She said she was at the point of wishing I would take our son and leave to the USA. She even told me I could, and she thought it would be better for him. I never saw school in the USA as magically perfect, just a way to free up time for us and a promise of no abuse.

I had bias I needed to overcome, I did not want to consider her upbringing as relevant because I don’t think its fair to judge me by mine. It felt patronizing to consider it somehow when it came to her. Whether they intended it or not my parents neglect and abuse both material and emotional created basically the perfect survivor, I work with what I have and find joy in small things. But I know it was wrong and seek to not repeat it, I don’t believe her mom was abusive but it it was dysfunctional in comparison to my ideal. “Normal” parents no matter their income level here do need a autism therapist to allow their kid to fingerpaint, because they would never allow that at home. As my wife shared parents here won’t buy their kids a USD 1.50 toy but they will spend 40-60 USD each to attend a party where there kid gets a “free” toy. They have no empathy for children, what the child wants is irrelevant. And corporal punishment is the norm, not just spanking but a belt. My wife shares in the no empathy for his desires or wants thing, but she disagrees with the corporal punishment part since her mom did it rarely.

In some ways I find growing up here good, it has provided an environment where my son has had to learn how to behave in a world of people. I am pretty far from the special snowflake school of thought, my son has a serious disability compared to the norm that will be with him for life and he has to learn to overcome it to function in life if he is able to.
The thing I strongly disagree with is the not exposing him to life and the world thing my wife insists on.

She is seriously depressed and still mourning the death of her mom, hard. To the point she wants to do nothing.

So to end at least we are partially functioning as a couple again, but our parenting styles and philosophies are still miles apart. And at least we are actually talking about a move or going to the USA without her concealing everything and making baseless assumptions and I am no longer in pure survival mode all the time. A win in my book.

107

First I want to thank everyone here your opinions and advice, along with getting my head above water helped me clarify everything.

The below isn’t a fairytale, so if real life disturbs you stop reading.

I realize this schism between us started long before the autism thing, maybe when our son was born. He came out looking like a white baby with a head of straight hair, I have actually apologized for this even though my wife doesn’t hold me responsible.

My lack of a sense of identity and mental deficits made me blind to the fact my wife has been trying very hard to fit me and him into an all black society, at least this area.

I was happy when his hair went hard, but now its turning straight again wah wah so it goes.

I realize I have been saving him from “abuse” since birth basically, I say abuse since it isn’t really because my wife was just repeating shit she heard from mothers and was trying to fit him into her culture. Like my wife said don’t pick him up or touch him, he’ll get too attached. I laughed and said no way. School starts at age 2 here remember? Then she said don’t feed him so much he’ll be greedy, she was always chiding him for being greedy AKA normal hunger, I fed him and laughed at her. He is now TWICE the size of 5 year olds here. But a normal size for a kid his age. She is embarrassed at this, again she was trying to fit him into her culture. She says look at the kids his age, I say yea look at them they are malnourished, skinny with arms like twigs.

We took him for a routine blood test and the tech was being a idiot. Private in a good area, I told her let me hold him nope then she keeps pulling her fucking cart of blood samples close enough for him to kick, even my wife moved it. After her torturing my kid for 10 minutes I said enough this is torture. My wife started crying and said you always fight me, the tech comforted her as I left and said white people are always spoiling their kids.

My wife said she was just messing with us because I’m white and my son is, just some good natured fun. No she was being a <racist> ass, a 70 year old med professional acting like a middle schooler.

She refuses to play with him, or to respond to non-verbal communication.

Guess which parent he favors? Take a guess. And she resents me for this.

She feels like I stole him from her, she expected me to parent like a working class Trini dad, why I have no clue. She thought I was planning to dump her and upgrade to a red skin or indian woman, a more appropriate match for me in the racial dating caste system here. Why in the fuck would I care what anyone here except her thinks, why would I care about choosing the correct mate for a white foreign guy? I’M NOT FROM HERE!

The more she pours forth the resentments she has been holding back since he was born the crazier it seems.

108

Oh yea she says NOW she is happy I fed him, she is glad he is normal size.

So why can’t she just LET GO of everything she believed about child rearing, let me take the fucking lead? But she won’t, even though everything else she let go she is happy with how it turned out.

109

You need to back off from language like ‘crazy’ and ‘stupid’ and ‘abuse.’ These types of adjectives color your perception not only of the situation, but of your wife- and that way lies building feelings of superiority and resentment. She’s not ‘crazy’ and her culture isn’t ‘stupid’- she is a Trini woman who has no real experience with life outside of a small radius, and no real drive to expand her experience because the one person who does have ‘outside’ experience thinks she’s crazy and stupid. I wouldn’t be motivated to listen to your opinion either.

How are things going with getting the paperwork together to move, or get your son specialized services?

110

It seems they’re talking about it in a positive way now, which is an improvement, but action on both parts is still needed. And the way things are, they may still be in the country for another year before leaving.

111

You might ask if this sort of statement is not a significant part of the problem.

Effectively you are saying she has to abandon all and follow your ideas.

You might ask why you can not let go of your perspective and habits. Your admitted autism I think is blinding you to how such an approach and thinking can be very painful to your spouse. And not productive to have her agreement to change.

I agree that usage of very pejorative and negative language about the culture of your spouse can not be helpful or good.

I would in her place feel resentment as well for this perspective.

112

Because it’s possible you are not right about all things and she can see your limitations in a way that you can’t. Just like you can see her limitations.

For instance, if you are truly perplexed why it would be very hard for someone to abandon their life-long beliefs about childrearing, particular when it comes to their own kid, then you might not be able to be able to teach your son how to behave so as not to offend or annoy someone else. This requires an ability to step in someone’s shoes and see things from their perspective.

113

Two parents are best because they BOTH bring different strengths to parenting. If you think only you have the magic, you got a big problem that you should consider looking closely at.

You may well be inspired with where your child is developmentally, at this moment. But it’s a long road ahead. Such may not always be the case. If you can’t see that, you’re not looking!

114

Yes, agreed and it is hard to see any signs of this from grude, which is natural to understand from the genuine autistic, but is a serious challenge.

115

I’l second Ramira and you with the face have said.

She probably senses your resentment to her culture. It may not be to all the culture, only parts of it, but she may think it is by extension the rest. Especially if you do not make it clear. And you can’t make it clear if you use the terms you’ve used here to describe the parts of her culture that annoy you (mind you, some of those things you’ve described annoy me too).

Also, you’re not perfect. Accept that.

116

I thought I qualified my use of “abuse” fairly well, the use of it was to communicate with the board. I don’t feel she is abusive, she just lacks a wider perspective. And I don’t think she is crazy or stupid, what I do think was crazy was holding all this crap inside of her instead of talking to me about it, I have always spoken plainly about my feelings and haven’t tried to manipulate her. And I know she isn’t stupid, she can program on multiple platforms and I can’t and I’m cool with it I don’t need or want to be superior to her. She is smart and I tell her this repeatedly.

I tell her I appreciate her for being the very practical person she is, I like that she is more down to earth because she grounds my cloudcooco lander qualities. I liked our dynamic we had, it was fun it worked but our son caused it to go wrong. I am honest to her about my failings and lackings, I like that she complements them with her strengths.

Look I have outright told her this exact thing verbatim:

And she agreed, when I disagree with her course of action I don’t go “lol stupid Trini shit” I actually explain why it is wrong and even show her evidence of why, which she usually dismisses. I don’t say we need to do this the USA way, I say that isn’t wise and here is why objectively.

honestly I DESPISE psychoanalyzing her and “hacking” her, but she is not leaving me much of a choice here. I don’t like viewing her in this way, it feels gross to me and isn’t what I want in a relationship.

117

I feel this way because every single time in the past she eventually afterward AGREED with me that I made the right call, every single time. But none of that matters to her since the autism thing because everything I say is viewed as me being retarded, she said she used to think I was really smart but now she isn’t sure. Despite agreeing with every time later, I guess I just got lucky.

She doesn’t want to view our son as having autism, she dismisses every insight I offer her from my own experience when it comes to that as well. She dismisses any professional or accepted plan of dealing with it.

This is another big issue, she de validates every judgement I make lately but did not used to. I went to buy a 50 foot ethernet cable where she called ahead, she told them she was sending someone to pick it up and they told her it would take 5-10 minutes to cut it. I went alone without my son, working class area all black staff from same area in fact a female staff member was discussing how she left cut marks on her sons face during a belt beating and someone told her watch out the school could call police, she said let them I will show them my belt collection.

I was the only customer, I waited more than an hour and left and returned several times.

I fumed at my wife why did you not tell them I am sending my HUSBAND to pick it up? She said you’re imagining things people here aren’t racist, why do I need to tell them you’re my husband thats silly on and on.

Oh they were probably busy, you probably didn’t notice the real time passing, they probably had a lot of work in the back, they told me it would only be 5 to 10 minutes.

She will not accept there is any fault in Trinidad even though she used to seem to despise the place and still does but believes the USA is a place so racist cops shoot random black people they see on the street. I always provide a realistic view of racism in the USA, if I was a vindictive person I’d make a mental note and then when in the USA treat her the same way but I’m not. I have told her you need to stop romanticizing this place and view it realistically, and I would make all effort to protect you in the opposite position.

118

I don’t claim to be perfect, again one of the reasons I love and appreciate her is we complimented each others faults and weaknesses or at least used to.

I don’t even tell her I’m right cuz I’m right, I show her evidence and refs to back up my position which she dismisses and I go well for instance I’m not going to let our son be malnourished just to please you so do what you want and I’ll do whats right and then much later she says ok you were right, how many times til she comes around.

But yea I find beating our heads against a wall endlessly with our son instead or working with his limitations stupid.

Hell she took him out, adhered to the routine and wow she told me he behaved so much better.

Honestly things have been looking way up, we’re functioning a lot better. Most of the things I complained about are in the past, she is coming around slowly. Working on her like this is exhausting and not what I want to do, it depresses me.

I asked her what her goals are for him, she said be less attached to us and talk so he could go to regular school. I said ok lack of any human attachment is bad for autistic kids, second even if he communicates verbally it will be slow and he will never be functioning well enough to join the rigorous normal schools here. She agreed sadly.

Pride in children is a big thing here as everywhere, and she is really sad that he will never be a point of pride for her with other people here.

There is a special school in the west, its expensive only 2 hours a day and would be hell to get to transport wise and someone would have to take him to and from. Neither of us is impressed with the service offered, seems to mostly be rec activities and babysitting pretty much.

Our son is also doing much better with less stress in his life, he started eating steak in his diet(kinda annoying because he eats more than me lol) and he said “car” while playing with a toy. Kinda shocked me how his voice sounds, not communication but a start.

119

And yes I make it clear I hate only the dysfunctional aspects of the culture, hell I like the food and am kind of wondering where to find saltfish in the USA.

The only real issue I have with Trinidad is the lack of services for our son, and the only issue I have with the house is how annoying transport to and from is.

Tonight she mentioned how if a semi stray dog that hangs around has pups she is going to take them all to the vet for vaccinations, I said why bother with that and the cost when I can just buy the vaccines at the ag supply and vaccinate them myself as I have done before. No the vet said his vaccines are special, and the ag store ones aren’t. :rolleyes:They are the exact same damn vaccine, and of course he would say that he has a profit motive to lie. Why would he lie!

See once again while she used to agree with and trust me, now I’m the autistic guy who knows nothing and that Trini vet is a paragon of virtue, I’m tired of fighting this bias, its not fun or enjoyable.

120

Um, because maybe the Trini vet keeps his vaccines better than the Ag store does. That is one point in her possible favor. Plus pups really need boosters so a one shot of Ag store vaccines will not be enough. Plus a checkup from a medical professional would be good for the pups. Plus the vet may help in placing them in homes so that the cycle of being a street dog is broken.

The one thing you could probably do if you already knew what to buy would be deworming. But again, one dose is not enough treatment.

Hijack aside, please admit that eventually your kid will need better care and better therapy. More than what is found outside of Trinidad and more than what you two can do on your own. Therefore you have to start planning your move out of Trinidad yesterday.

How’s the paperwork coming alone? Replacing her ID card? Getting a passport for her and her son? Renewing your own passport which you said had expired? Getting your son proof of US citizenship? Applying to get visa for your wife and son?