So you’re terribly offended that she opposes your views, why can’t she just accept, like she used to, that you’re always right?
But you can’t imagine why your wish, for her to just forget everything her culture has taught her, in favour of your views, isn’t going over well?
Sure, that seems reasonable — in bizzaro world!
In reality you’re just not going to see, what you can’t see, no matter how many people on the Internet try to show you.
This is not going to self correct. Your strident views of your own excellent parenting, and dismissive views of her/your son’s culture, are unlikely to diminish.
Find someone who’s opinion you respect, someone you’ll be unable to dismiss, and seek out their opinion. Perhaps they can get through to you, before you irreprably damage your marriage. (Assuming it isn’t already too late!)
While grude will reply in anger we are misunderstanding, it is a clear pattern of a self-centeredness that is unable to understand and engage with her views and culture.
This is in some way understandable from his admission of his autism, but until he can admit to this and address, I can not see any chance for a real improvement.
Marriages evolve, and if you can not evolve it will fail. My spouse is to illustrate much more religious than I am, but we have a dialogue to compromise and understand the views. Dialogue is not of course one person being Right… this is not easy in our culture, but we do it.
I would not be very optimistic about this case, I am sorry to say.
I’m sure there will be plenty of opportunity for “turn about is fair play” when (if) the two move to the US. We have a pretty dysfunctional culture too. Sometimes it is easy to romanticize something when you’ve been separated from it for awhile.
I can totally see how this dynamic might be emerging between the two of you, now that the depth of son’s autism has become impossible thing to ignore.
In your son, your wife is essentially seeing how you were as a little kid, and it’s probably a very confusing thing to make sense of. On one hand, it’s a relief because you’re a fully functioning adult now, which means your kid could be destined similiarly. But on the other hand, the more similiarities she sees between father and son, the more she realizes that what seemed just “quirky” in you before is now symptomatic of the same serious condition affecting her son. So in essence, she’s coming to terms with the fact that she doesn’t really know the man she married. I’m sure she still loves you just the same, but this experience is probably testing her self-confidence on mulitple levels: her ability to know what’s best for her son and her ability to trust her own assessment about people.
grude, I’m curious about when she found out you were autistic. Was this early on in your relationship, or did she figure this out much later? When she found out, did she quickly accept it or did it catch her by surprise?
I totally sympathize with how frustrating this must be. You guys seem to be in a difficult place, and it’s really neither of your fault.
No she isn’t like that(thats cool with me I’m not a pet person either except low maintenance stuff), and the ag store has the vaccine in a fridge and it goes into a bag of ice and straight home. After vaccination she doesn’t even bother to feed them, I give them leftovers and the neighbors do too. There are two “communal” dogs right now and they are fine food wise, a whole litter of pups I’m not going to care for.
My issue is I have a hard enough time getting groceries for us home, I’m not toting dogs to the vet for shots or buying dog food or pet rice and liver and cooking for them too. Transport drivers don’t want dogs in their cars or maxis, and I’m not going to hide them in a bag or box and have them make noise. The area around us is full of parvovirus, the puppies usually don’t get old enough for the vaccine to be effective.
Me vaccinating them at home is all I’m willing to do.
Last dog to the vet she got her brother to drive, and the dog vomited all over his car so that is out.
I told her take them if you want, you’re going to buy food for them and bring it up too. I’m not I have no interest in them. She still has not gone for her passport BTW but is spending time planning for stray dog litters, which will be a further reason she can’t go the the USA. Again stray dog litters are getting more mindshare then her son.
Don’t judge her harshly, the neighbors laugh at buying a 5 USD vaccine they let parvo do its thing and keep the one or two dog in 20-30 that survives. If it was up to me I’d not acquire any more dogs at all, I have enough to worry about.
I admit it, thats the whole problem. She thinks he is living a life of luxury even wealthy people’s kids here can’t hope for, as for therapy well I can handle it.
She isn’t sold on that, and she doesn’t want to live in a one or two bedroom apartment in the US. She wants a house, and it has to be as spacious as this one even though half the house is vacant and we use basically three rooms.
She wants to stay here, or go out there as a trial. I said do not tell the embassy agent that please, you’re applying for permanent residency.She actually tried to apply once for a tourist visa, the embassy employee told her let me save you the 1K you won’t get it apply for PR. So that killed that.
I tell her everyday you could go for your passport, load some tv eps on a tablet and watch them while you wait the 4 or so hours, no not today.
We’re talking, she has stopped hiding every thing and says she sees it was stupid in the first place to hold those resentments, she has stopped fighting his autism mostly, I have her playing with him. She says she will try the USA.
Once she gets her passport she says she will go along with it, fine.
Will we work out? I dunno at this point, I still love her and wish she would go back to the woman I married and I’d be golden. I see improvement but yea I dunno.
I don’t want to go to the USA with him alone like she said she wanted me to do before things got better, but I will. I can apply for her from there.
Man, this part here really rubbed me the wrong way. It seems emblematic of some of your big problems.
“I’d be golden.” That’s great. How would she be? I know that seeing/understanding others’ perspectives is made more challenging with your autism, but all you’re caring about is yourself and what YOU want. You see endless ways that your wife can change to make YOU happy. What about ways you could change to make your wife happy?
IIt’s like… your wife and your son are their own distinct, separate beings. They’re more than supporting characters in your life. You and your son both have autism, but he is not a clone of you. He may differ from you in many ways but it’ll be harder to see that if you’re dedicated to the narrative that you Know How He Is And What He Is Thinking And Feeling At All Times.
Also, that attitude would be SO hurtful if I was your wife. You’ve already basically said^ that all of her parenting ideas and methods are bad or stupid. But now (after the autism determination), you’re essentially saying^ that you are the ONLY one who can understand your son and you have this deep bond with him that she clearly doesn’t and can’t have. That you seem to feel he’s “MY son” more than “OUR son”. Especially when you all but say she should just leave all the parenting decisions to you because you know better.
^ via context and viewing all of your comments as a whole, not necessarily explicitly saying it.
She found out when I did, well realized it when I started researching our son and my whole life kind of made sense.
I told her from day one I was really weird, she was cool with that. She liked it and liked me.
I didn’t spend time thinking about my abusive childhood, or talking about it much I mean she knew my parents were abusive and my mom was crazy.
My parents told me I was diagnosed as too hyper to form words, I didn’t care or want to dwell on it until I was trying to figure out my son and it made sense.
When I told her I was probably autistic, but obviously learned how to compensate mostly and it was very hard and our son had probably had autism she reacted badly and rejected the whole thing. How could I want that label for myself, and how could I put that on him. I mean I probably messed up there, like she said how can you be excited and unemotional about this but I just viewed it as finally understanding.
She hates and rejects the whole autism paradigm, she views it as a horrible thing that ruins people’s lives. I was just trying to tell her its a way to view things and treat our son in a way that will work better.
She feels I am kind of insulting him and holding him to a lower standard by coddling him and treating him like he is retarded, when I feel like I’m just working with his abilities and limitations. She hates the words and phrases I use, like routines and food sensitivity, he is just harden(stubborn) and picky and we need to force him out of that. She feels if we go down this road there is no turning back.
She really hates it if I point out I was the same way, or relate why he is doing something, if I say yea he likes watching small objects fall when I was a kid I would shred toilet paper and drop it to watch it fall she cringes. If I say I still kind of use routines to navigate life, like putting taxi fare in a special pocket and checking it to pay near the end so I don’t look like an ass and forget she hates that.
And it was kind of my fault because I just assumed she didn’t want to hear it, but she needed to for him I felt. I felt if I kept at it she would come around eventually but she was just hearing how I compensate and she didn’t want to view me that way at all.
And I was getting worn down by doing everything with our son and chores and she saw me as really seeming more autistic.
But thats in the past pretty much since I can’t do this anymore and posted this thread.
I’ve told her look don’t view me as autistic, view me as having it as a kid. You liked me before we knew and everything was fine. Go back to that. But you have to accept our son has autism, and she does but still isn’t sold on the whole paradigm. I’ve told her thats fine, you don’t need to use the terms or anything and I’ll stop but just look at it as an easier way to handle him.
No, YOU. You started a thread a few months ago asking for help in renewing a passport. You also need to do your part and talk to someone at the embassy to sort out your passport issues.
Get a passport yourself. Get a passport for your son. I kinda think that you may not need the mother, since you’re the father and as such you could get all the government papers related on your son that the embassy may need.
You really have no ground to say “she needs a passport”, when your own passport is invalid. Get yours sorted out, then you can complain about her not doing her part.
From her POV I never really wanted our son when he was a concept, so she thought I was not going to be doing much parenting but she wanted kids and she was cool with being the primary parent. Then when he actually existed I suddenly swooped in and dismissed everything she said or how she wanted to raise him. She says don’t hold him too much because he will get clingy they say, I was like whut lol ignore those idiots. But she was secretly very resentful, but didn’t say anything because she thought it would be a big fight and she was shocked at how her POV was not even considered. I didn’t think don’t touch the baby was even worthy of discussion it was so outrageous, and I thought she was just telling me how the kooky people who believe in spirits think not making a parenting call.
Everytime she tried to be stern or discipline him I undermined it, I feed him so much he is going to be a fat pig and greedy because everyone she has ever known knows you have to limit kids food so they don’t become such. Everytime she freaks out about a rash or him falling I unemotionally dismiss it and say he is fine this doesn’t need a hospital visit, get some hydro cream.
He is falling way behind, and it is my fault because of the crazy indulgent parenting style I force on her. I have him like this and won’t even let her parent.
Then I come and tell her oh BTW I’m retarded and you married a retard and never noticed, and our son is retarded too and this is great news because this means we can coddle him even more and give in to his every whim! Not only do we let him eat all he wants, but stop trying to force him to eat normal meals and instead let him eat what he wants whenever!
My husband lets a child decide where he goes and how he goes through a city, because if he doesn’t there will be a big tantrum. A CHILD, my husband lets a child rule him.
He has fancy scientific gibberish to explain every misbehaviour, excuse every fault, explain every stupidity that all kids have and has to be corrected out of them but no here it will be indulged.
He stole my kid from me, wants the both of them to be retarded together and thinks its wonderful, can’t sleep because of the way he raised my kid to have no discipline, and is now demanding we have to go to the USA now now now now because he is totally sick of me and the place I have lived my whole life and once there he can frame me as the bad guy and he will have plenty of backup.
Hell no I’m not leaving, I’ll let him finally have the last bit and just take my son and go so this crazyness is out of my life finally.
Can you clarify something please? Am I understanding this right? You self diagnosed yourself with Autism, after reading about it in regards to your son’s condition? Was your son diagnosed by a Dr, at least?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, but maybe she’d give your position more consideration if it was actually a doctor’s diagnoses! I’d have a hard time thinking you’re an expert on all things Autism too, if you self diagnosed!
Up to the age of about 6 years old I did not talk, although I could there was no reponse to strangers or anyone aside from my parents. Although I can remember things from before that.
My parents took me to a lot of doctors, and I have memory of this. Then they took me to a hospital, my mom took me in alone and she talked to a doctor and then told me to go upstairs to a certain floor with a nurse and there were Star Wars action figures and to play and she would be up shortly.
It was a locked ward, with other kids there up to age 13. She never came up to join me. I was there a week, I had one phone call to my mom where I forced out words and pleaded with her to come get me. when my parents picked me up I thought they did what I pleaded for. But later I found out their insurance would not pay.
They claimed nothing was wrong with me, I was diagnosed as too hyper to talk. Which I realize now is not a real diagnosis.
They enrolled me in 1st grade and I struggled through since now I could talk and nothing was wrong with me. They both at weak moments would say something was wrong with me, I can’t write a novel here but until I was a teen my dad did not even want to be seen with me outside of the house. Neglect and abuse including hog tieing me with extension cords and whipping me were common(my dad).
This was not a period of my life I dwelt on or thought about much once I was an adult, I was just really weird.
Oh no, you misunderstand me. The post from my wife’s point of view is not me being angry, thats really what she thinks I think. She outright told me she wanted me to take our son and leave for the USA with him, with defeat in her voice before we got better.
I don’t hate her for thinking that, I wish she had not been holding this crap in and had told me more and talked about it.
I feel fully half responsible for this mess, and I don’t hate her.
Look I want this marriage to work, but I don’t know if it can if everything I say is viewed through a lense of me being diminished mentally. She was going back and viewing things from since we met under that lense.
I think it is pretty damn obvious I am blind to a LOT of things, but I’m trying to fix that.
Look guys I’m sorry to sully the board with this thread, but it helped me a lot and I thank everyone who took it serious. The only reason I brought it back was I did not know how to take it when she revealed how bad it was for years.
Look my wife is NOT politically correct or board culture friendly, but I didn’t ever want her to be. I’m not trying to make her look bad, I’m trying to figure out WTF went wrong and how to fix it.
I’m not looking for attacks on her, or you guys saying WTF are you doing there.
She is trying very hard lately, she has been for years and I didn’t see it.
Grude, I’ve followed this thread from the start and feel a lot of sympathy for both you and your wife. I’m truly sorry for what you went through as a child.
If you don’t mind, I’m curious as to what the answer is to this question posed by elbows:
If the answer is ‘no,’ then I think that’s probably a big part of ‘WTF went wrong’.
I don’t think we’re attacking your wife, because we seem to see things that are blind to you, and empathize with her position, something you should do more. You did mention you’re trying to improve, so I’ll give you that. Keep working on it, you need it.
Again, you can’t complain or tell her anything about the passport or Trinidad ID or anything until you get your own US passport validated and get one for your son as well. Then you’ll have all the reason to show her “I did this horrible paperwork and wasted all this time and got this done, now it’s your turn”.
Can you understand why this would be natural reaction? I would find it hard not to do the same thing, and it would be a mind fuck for sure.
I’m not sure exactly what you could do to “fix” this, except to maybe stop reinforcing the idea that you and your son are one and the same. It is probably true that you have special insight into his psychology because you’ve been there, done that, but when you negate her mothering skills, it only intensifies her feeling of alienation. She probably literally feels like an alien in her own home.
I don’t see anyone in this thread attacking your wife. I think both of you are trying hard to make things work, but you have a lot of obstacles in your path. I would suggest marital counseling but I don’t know what services are like there.
Yeah, you very handily skirted the questions I asked you, and they were very simple and straight forward.
The story you told of your youth, while tragic, failed to mention whether a Dr had actually confirmed your self diagnoses of autism. You clearly have something going on, as your history illustrates, no one is questioning that.
How is it difficult to comprehend that your wife might well be more open to your ‘expertise’ if your/son’s diagnoses came from an actual Dr?
Or that your, ‘I know best always!’ story loses all credibility if you’re both diagnosed solely by Dr Grude?