No I have not been diagnosed by a nonexistent doctor here who diagnoses adults with autism, if I could I would. My story was not meant to gain sympathy, but to explain why I think I do.
Laymen on the street can tell my son has autism, but no one we have seen here is willing to diagnose him saying go to the USA for that.
I think that you are experiencing something that most intercultural relationships go through at some point.
Basically, people make a connection and say to themselves “Oh, he/she isn’t like the other _____s.” And this is often true (no culture is the Borg after all). When you are just a couple, especially, it’s easy. That other person is also excited and enchanted by the new culture they are encountering as well.
But as time passes and especially as one has kids and life gets more complicated, you start seeing all the ways that they are like the other ______s. Suddenly it’s not the two of you creating your own path. Family, community and religion start being more and more important, and when things get tough the SO starts to draw on the core values they grew up with-- things that didn’t seem so relevant before you had kids.
It’s hard. Cross cultural relationships are hard.
But you can get through this. It mirrors the stages of culture shock. First you are amazed and delighted and everything seems new and wonderful. Then you start seeing all the crap that annoys you, and all the ways that people are maddeningly different than you. Then comes a phase of learning, where you start to understand the history and motivations behinds stuff. Finally comes integration, where you finally learn to adapt and find peace.
I don’t know if you’ve done this, but throwing yourself into the study of Trinidad may help. This is what finally got me to stop being annoyed nonstop by China. Read widely- history, fiction, anthropology, travel guides, everything. Pick a bit from each genre, but definitely don’t skimp on the fiction. As you learn more, some of the stuff that annoys you will have some more context. It might keep annoying you, but it won’t seem so maddeningly irrational.
Look here is what the therapist we went to told us when we asked where to get an official diagnosis:
Here are some private doctors locally that do it but you’re looking at spending a lot of money for something that won’t count for anything with gov here for that you have to go through mount hope anyway, and it won’t count for anything out in the US so you’d just have to do it over out there anyway and it would be free probably.
You guys need to just go to the US.
OK? I am not blind to this!
Haven’t read page 2 and 3, but…grude, have you tried walking a mile in your wife’s shoes?
For instance, is she the one who takes the kid from and to school? So is she the one who has to make the chit-chat with all the other moms? Is she the one who has to do the chit-chatting with family members at family get-togethers? is she the one who takes your son out shopping had has to chit-chat with salespeople and passers-by?
Because in cultures everywhere, mothers and other females chit-chatting amounts to a long stream of unwanted advice. It takes a strong personality to cheerfully and politely deflect that advice. Your wife may have succeeded in doing so the first threehundred times of “Better have the witch doc look at him” but she may have buckled after the three hundred-and first well meaning woman saying it.
If you would experience the same, maybe you could symphatize more with your wife, and sympathy is really all you have to offer each other, if moving isnt an option.
How do other parents of autistic children deal with that problem in Trinidad?
Look my wife is the problem, I GET IT a million times over. The damn therapist said while she is not qualified to diagnose yes in her opinion he has autism and its obvious.
Getting her to just talk about her real feelings is tortuous, you ask her yes or no do you think? And she says well it is obvious isn’t it, repeat the question and get well if you say so, repeat and get a yes finally but I’m not sure if she means it or is just saying it to stop the questioning. She did not used to be this way.
If my son did not exist and she still acted like this I’d be out of here just because this is too much damn work forcing her to come around, but I don’t want steal her son from her and I don’t want to be a single parent out in the US.
So am I supposed to ignore the damn fact we have a mostly non-verbal 5 year old who has all the classic signs of autism because we don’t have an official diagnosis? Am I still supposed to stick my head in the damn sand.
Wise words. I’ll keep that in mind.
I want a damn diagnosis, great get him into real school and treatment that can help him and take the damn burden off me. I’m freaking tired of it!
I do not have a bias against doctors!
Is there an association of Trinidad parents of autistic children? Like this one? They can help with that question.
Look my wife says she doesn’t care what people here think at all.(bullshit)
Then she says her biggest fear is seeing a video of me and him on trini circle facebook saying something like look at this brat and the white man who can’t control him, when he is having a meltdown in public.
Because facebook and the internet is her only contact with the outside world anymore basically except for family.
This was before she came out with her thoughts and I saw slight improvement.
Right now she says yes he has autism, but I still treat let him rule me dragging me around the house by the hand. He has started hitting her and throwing things at her, he doesn’t even like the sound of her talking because he just finds she does nothing but scold him.
I hate this, but all she sees is I have him like this and if I was more like her it wouldn’t be an issue. But all that would accomplish is him disliking both of us.
I am just so tired of this.
Actually these comments tell us that you do not, in fact, get it, if it is what people are saying here in this thread.
In fact, the opposite impression comes out.
And now we seem to know that the autism diagnosis is a Self one.
That does not raise confidence.
The communication between you two is “the problem” and if we can judge from this thread and others, it is hardly a problem coming from your wife alone…
This thread is pretty heartbreaking to read. It really sounds like you are at your wits end, wanting to do the right thing but not knowing what the right thing is to do.
The thread started off sounding like you wanted advice on how to deal with your wife’s culture without offending your wife, but it sounds like the issue is a much more specific one - disagreement on how to raise your child.
The way you see it, she is more concerned about how others think of your child (and the two of you) than on the happiness and development of your child. Have I understood that correctly?
This could be a great resource for grude. It would give him and his wife access to the very people who know the most about available resources for families. Also, socializing with other families with autistic kids could demonstrate for grude’s wife how other kids with autism act generally.
Grude, you said she doesn’t have any social contacts besides family. This kind of group could be very helpful.
No, we do not say your wife is the problem. In fact, some may say the problem is the other part of the couple. Or simply that you both need to communicate, and that you’re both “the problem”. It seems there is a lack of communication coming from both of you. She doesn’t tell you a lot, but when she does, it seems you do not listen or empathize, going by your responses in the thread.
Please look in the association for autistic children. I’ve mentioned before there are places here that are working in improving conditions for autistic children and families with autistic people. I’m in Mt. Hope, so yes, I get the ads to go to the workshops. Also I live in another area so I saw an article about it in what seemed to be the “community bulletin”. Help is out there, look for it.
Again, you need to work on your part. Your US passport? Your son’s passport?
I’d guess even a proper diagnosis of autism can be heartbreaking for someone even if they were from your culture, grude. When you’re growing up in a culture that is even less accepting of those with problems, then yes. Your wife needs help almost as much as your son does. Again, getting in touch with other families would likely be a blessing for her. She’ll see that she’s not the only one facing those issues.
Their website isn’t even active any more. I don’t hold out a lot of hope for them being helpful if they aren’t organized enough to keep themselves available for contact online. I can believe that grude feels isolated and frustrated because of the lack of options - either because none exist, or they’re far away, or they’re beyond his means. People keep telling him to get an official doctor’s diagnosis when he’s laid out plainly that the doctors refuse to get involved, and any that might be able to help are costly and far away. People aren’t made of money. Both grude and his wife need help, for different reasons, and I find it very sad that there are so few options for them all. It sounds like she’s in a lot of denial and in mourning for the child she wishes she had.
Uhhh, I am being completely sincere when I ask, WTeverlovingF???
This sounds like you think everyone in this thread (especially the participants in the past ~month) has been telling you – repeatedly! – that your wife is “the problem”. If you honestly think that’s what’s been going on… good fucking LORD! You have completely and fundamentally misunderstood everyone here, and that is a huge problem.
Like many things in Trinidad, their website may be down, but they’re pretty active in Facebook. Apparently they may be on the news tomorrow?
Keeping a decent website needs resources and skills. When those are low, FB pages work.
I think their situation is an onion. Issues on top of issues. And the issues take turns being on top.
Grude, would your wife respond to your child’s non-verbal communication if he were, say, deaf?
I think much of the frustration of the posters in this thread comes from the fact that Grude doesn’t seem to be taking ANY steps other than talking with his wife about it.
For example, he has not renewed his own passport nor gotten one for his son. This is especially weird because it seems quite irresponsible for any U.S. citizen living outside the country to render themselves unable to travel to the U.S. Even if he and his son don’t go to the U.S., they should have valid passports. His wife’s passport status is just an excuse. I suspect he’ll find excuses not to get involved with that Facebook group either.
Another source of frustration is that he’s making this all about him and his wife. While he is trying to do good things for his son, it seems like he sees him as an object in the struggle rather than a fully formed human being. I find this absolutely heartbreaking.
The whole “I don’t want to be a single parent” thing and the “she doesn’t want to live in an apartment” thing show just how deeply the self-centeredness of both of them run.
I didn’t want to be a single parent either, but I had to leave my husband to make a better life for my son. I don’t want to live in a two-bedroom apartment, but living in an affordable place allows more budgetary flexibility, which of course benefits my son. I sure don’t want to move out of this area, but if doing so was the only way to get proper care for my son, you can bet I would. A good parent puts their child’s needs before their own wants.
This is the last post I’ll make to this thread, I’ll continue to read it though.
Two things finally got through to me that the relationship we had is over, and its not coming back. I will no longer seek her true feelings or emotional validation from her or ask her to go out with us. She said she doesn’t care if I want to take him out just don’t expect sympathy for how hard it is.
One she said is it sex you’re worried about? We can keep having sex(UGH! no thanks)
And that while she will co-operate for the CRBA she will not let me get him a USA passport, but he can get a Trini passport.
That is when I can pull her away from her goddamn monitor, she does help with the businesses and thats about it. I’m doing everything else pretty much.
Oh yea, its done, she says she is fine with living together like we’re doing and eventually going ahead with her visa. I told her take his fucking passport once we have it and hide it. She doesn’t even see the value of a CRBA.
Once she said she wanted a another kid a girl so she could raise her way, I could have my son to raise my way. No way, I was thankful this stopped after the autism thing.
She has been making a mechanical effort lately to make things easier on me, and promises this will continue.
I don’t have any good options here and I can’t live without my son.
Thank you all again and I am sorry for polluting the board with this.
Yes.
There is no sign after many weeks, months even of any real action taken on any positive step suggested say practically by KarlGrenze who clearly knows the T&T well…
and a lot of discourse by grude that gives very strong doubts that we have in any way a real picture of his wife.
if the strange way in which he has understood the comments here is a fair indication of his communication, it is hard to think that there is success.
This last message again really places all blame on her, and makes more excuses, but does not really respond to any positive actionable comment or suggestion.
it is a sad situation, that is clear.