She has no idea that he’s cut her out of his life. I talk to her maybe every month and visit maybe once a year. He has not talked to her in years, because she rarely calls us and has never called him, and he visits even more rarely, that is, never. (iampunha, wasn’t the last time you saw her at your grandfather’s first funeral in 1999?) But he never formally disowned her or anything, so how would she know?
And how would she know he was even getting married if you don’t tell her? Just let her know after the fact. Problem solved.
I agree with featherlou. If she’s really as bad as you say she is, writing a letter in advance gives her an awful lot of ammunition and will really make your life miserable.
If you have little or no contact with her as it is, I’d just not send her an invitation. If she asks why she didn’t get one, tell her, and make it clear there is no room for compromise. You don’t want her there, period.
My brother is also getting married this winter, and was having to think about this with respect to the Evil Aunt. He didn’t want her there, his fiancee didn’t want her there, NO ONE wanted her there, but my grandmother wanted her at least invited. My brother put his foot down. It’s HIS wedding, and HE didn’t want her there. Fortunately (or not, depending), the problem was recently solved.
Robin
The thing is, by not giving her an option to call him, he’s putting you, phantomdiver, in the middle of this, and that’s really not right.
(Sorry Patrick, but come on! Don’t let your mom deal with this!)
I say, just don’t tell her about it.
Here’s a thought:
Have a big BIG engagement party - food friends frolic - Then SURPRISE!! get married.
I had friends who did this - it was actually the best wedding I ever attended.
When you tell Grammy, just say it was a spur-of-the-moment thing. “Sorry you missed it” - whatever.
Or - elope. Send out announcements not invitations.
OR - get married somplace real expensive - like Disney World, or Jamaica, or a cruise - “Sorry Grammy, but we couldn’t afford to bring EVERYONE. I’m sure you understand.”
Slight hijack, but just how many funerals did this grandfather have? Did he die more than once, or something?
Was he buried, then exhumed, then reburied?
What’s the story??
Nothing to add that hasn’t already been said about the issue at hand.
LOL! I was wondering if somebody would pick up on that!
My dad died in 1999, as you may have guessed. He and my mother had lived on the Eastern Shore of Maryland since 1974, after he retired from 30 years in the Army in 1972. Dad ended his career in logistics. Long before he was even sick, he created and distributed funeral instructions to his family, potential pall-bearers, I dunno who else – 20 or so legal-size pages. No kidding. We laughed really hard at the time, but it did make things much easier. I highly recommend this approach. It saves lots of agony after somebody has died. BTDT designed the T-shirt.
As you may know, Arlington Cemetery is filling up fast. The bureaucracy has been tightening requirements for years, and now it’s really hard to be buried there. Dad qualified, and he wanted his spot. (Side note: he would have liked to put his ashes in the crematorium there, but he “didn’t like the view.” No kidding, again.)
Dad wanted to be buried there and have a ceremony on the Eastern Shore. My FIL died in 1995 and my MIL in 1997, and I knew how taxing funerals can be. I tried to convince Dad to have only one ceremony, at Arlington. He wouldn’t budge.
So yes, Dad had two funerals – one with the locals on the Eastern Shore, and another a few weeks later at Arlington Cemetery with full bells and whistles. Patrick attended the first but not the second.
And I was right. It was a huge pain in the neck. Oh, well, we knew what he wanted in advance, and that was good.
I’d like to offer a dissenting opinion:
While it is technically Patrick’s responsibility to deal with this, it is also okay if phantomdiver does it instead. She can do a favor for her son if she wishes. And it sounds like she would be saving him a LOT of grief. If the grandmother has a great capacity to be hurtful, it might make a lot of sense to shield him from her if possible. Just because Patrick is an adult doesn’t mean that his mother can’t still take care of him at times.
You can’t refuse to give the grandmother the opportunity to write Patrick–but there is an easy way around the address problem. You can tell her that she can write him at phantomdiver’s address. Then phantomdiver can hand the letter to Patrick. What Patrick does with the letter at that point is up to him, but at least phantomdiver can tell her mother that Patrick received the letter. She doesn’t have to tell her mother that Patrick threw the letter out without reading it.
IMO
I don’t think you should entertain any ideas that would change your current plans for getting married. Elopeing, moving the ceremony to far off lands, spur of the moment wedding, etc. All for one person. If you go one of these routes, she’s already ruined your wedding.
It sounds like the main reason you don’t want her there is for how she’s treated you mother in the past. You want to stick up for her by denying your grandmother to see your wedding. While this is comendable, it loses a little punch when it is going to be your mother that will face the confrontation and not you.
Getting married is a very grown up thing to do. As you get older you will face many tasks and challenges that are sometimes difficult to deal with. Dealing with this situation by yourself would (IMHO) reflect greatly on your character. Years later you can look back on your wedding knowing you did it your way and that you said what needed to be said to your grandmother.
If I were you, I’d send her a letter with the other invitations. In it, you might say in general terms why you would rather she not attend. Offer to further clarify it for her if she so desires. Put your return address on the envelope an mail. Even if you want no further contact from her, I can’t see a problem with giving her your address. Just throw away any mail you don’t care to read in the future.
Good luck.
That doesn’t make sense when followed by this-
And, he hasn’t seen her since 1999? I think she knows.
We had to do something similar with our wedding. My husband’s stepbrother had already been asked to be a groomsman when we found out some horrible things that had gone on (had to do with the psychological screwing over of an already fragile stepsister with incestuous overtones- yeah). We took immediate action. My husband had a quiet talk with “Bob” and stated that because of the circumstance that they were both aware of (and as gentlemen, would never discuss again), he was out of the wedding. He could feel free to attend with his young wife (who knew nothing at the time) in order to keep up family appearances, and could expect to be treated politey, but that this would be the last time. Ever.
It worked. A couple of people asked why “Bob” wasn’t in the wedding, and we made up vague logistical concerns. No-one really cared, they were just asking.
Head-on is usually best, please try it. With someone who has for years willfully missing the point, what makes you think she will “get” this message?
Good luck.
Excellent point.
Considering that Iampunha is adamant about not having Grandma be able to contact him, I’ve changed my mind. It would be much easier to step aside and have pun deal with it by giving gran his address, but he’s tied your hands on that avenue too.
So, I’ll agree with Green Bean. I would initiate any wedding discussion, but when Grandma asks, tell her very briefly that she isn’t (or wasn’t) invited due to pun’s wishes. Answer the inevitable ‘why?’ question by saying it’s between her and pun but that you will pass on a letter if grandma wishes to write to him and pursue the issue. Then pun can read it and respond or throw it out, and you can tell Grandma that that is all the involvement you will have on the subject and don’t speak of it again. 
How’s that ?
That should read “I wouldn’t initiate any wedding discussion,”
Sorry.
My family does this kind of thing a lot, actually. I grew up in the military and rarely saw my relatives. For various reasons, I’ve carried on that tradition with the family I’ve made with DH. I hadn’t seen my own maternal grandmother for at least 11 years when she died. I haven’t seen my mother’s older sister since – golly, I can’t even remember when I last saw her, but I think it was in the 70s. I haven’t seen her younger sister since 1999. Before she died in the late 90s, I hadn’t seen the oldest sister since about 1989. I’ve seen only a couple of my cousins since my childhood, and then only when they were visiting where I happened to be. And I am or was on good terms with all of them. It’s just the way we work it.
My mother is oblivious to an awful lot. I think it started as a way for her to protect herself during her own childhood, which sounds to me as if it could have been difficult otherwise. It also worked well for her while my dad was alive – though he drank at least three full drinks (and usually more) every day of his adult life that he wasn’t in a hospital, she didn’t know he was an alcoholic until she was told by the doctor he had for his final illness.
She’s oblivious, but I think she’ll notice when she doesn’t get an invitation. We’ll see how things work out. I’m still not sure that the proactive approach is the right one, though that would be iampunha’s decision, because I ain’t gonna take that road, nohow, no way.
Ouch. I sympathize deeply with you. That’s gotta be tough.
I don’t care if she gets a message or not, as long as iampunha, fizzy, and I don’t suffer for whatever message she gets or doesn’t get. The idea, as far as I can tell, is not to explain to her that she is unwelcome at the wedding because she monopolizes events that are not hers to monopolize; that she has been cruel and insensitive to family members; or that she has expressed disapproval of the match. I don’t care what she understands. The idea is just to get us all through this with as few scars as possible.
And yes, I know that some of this isn’t what I was saying originally. Thank you all for helping to form my opinion.
$14/year for a PO Box. Cheap, and it solves the problem of having an address to write to/from, without revealing where you live.
Pat, from what I know of the situation, you have my full support as your friend. Drop me a line or IM if you need anything.
Yay! I think it’ll work out great; I’m mild mannered and easy to get along with. Sometimes I leave wet towels on the hardwood floor, though.
I’m all for direct confrontation too, but I can understand that you would like to try to get through this with as few battle wounds as possible. Besides, some people never get it through their heads no matter what you say or do.
You could do worse things. And as I am now your mom, I am allowed to tell you to get them off the floor.
Oh – one more thing – I do hope you like big, friendly dogs? Because I guarantee that they will like you.
Ain’t that the truth!
In fact, I bring a big, friendly dog of my own into the mix.
Since you’re pretty firmly committed to being reactive rather than proactive, any idea on when you think this whole thing will come to a head?
Mmmm. Next April or so? Why, you wanna be far from the explosion? 