Men want to be treated with respect. To most of the men I know, respect is more important than love. Not that love isn’t important: it is. But if I had to choose between the two, the one I absolutely couldn’t live without is respect.
I think most women are the opposite.
So not only does my husband not mind when I dye my hair or experiment with a new color, he might actually like it? Squeee! I love being married!
Dude, you need a Wide Load sticker on that brush you’re painting us all with. Plus, it’s utter bullshit. What everyone needs is respect from their SO. Some (few) women may think they want love over respect, but that never lasts long, because love without respect isn’t, really.
One of Dr Laura’s favorite refrains is that men have fragile egos. I’m not sure if I believe that is true of men in general, but what is the balance between “if something’s wrong, TELL ME!” and “I’m not an infant, don’t nag me”?
I dunno, Bear, there’s something about that advice that’s vaguely disturbing to me in a way that I’m not sure I can articulate. It seems somehow wrong to me that a person should alter something they’re happy with just to hold someone else’s attention. (Note: I am not talking about changing things that are in any way detrimental to the other person or to your own health.) I mean, presumably, if you’re special and important to someone, they’re going to look at you and pay attention to you for that, and the dog and pony show grabs for attention wouldn’t be necessary.
I can understand the argument that failure to change and grow as a human being would cause stagnation of the relationship, but failure to change one’s appearance? Isn’t that basically saying men have such short attention spans that you have to keep dangling different shiny objects in front of them to keep them focused?
Or is there something else I’m missing?
Explicitly state what it is you want or are thinking. If this want or thought is not explicitly stated then do not hold me accountable for not reading your mind?
Understand that I deal with bad news and problems differently. A lot of times, I do not want to talk about it, if there isn’t really a solution, then playing computer games and drinking beer might be the best course of action.
<nose wrinkles> Have you ever been out with a group of women? I rather like mixed groups, it seems like everyone behave a little better.
New question:
How do you show respect without being a yes-man or a doormat?
I like this question too:
Very simple. If I’m trying to fix a leaky faucet, and the water pressure builds up and the hot water heater explodes causing a flood in the basement, then tell me.
If I’m trying to fix a leaky faucet, and yucky water drips onto the kitchen floor, don’t nag me.
We men are about nothing if we’re not about perspective.
Pretty much kunilou’s explanation. The difference is in style and tone. If something is messed up, ask me like an adult about it. Do not order it done like I’m a five year old with a messy room and don’t spend fifteen minutes flipping out about it.
My rule in treatment?
Call it the Priam Assumption. It goes something like the following:
I don’t mean to miss something. I don’t mean to mess something up. I do try my hardest to be a mature human being. If I did mess something up, bring it to my attention and I will darn well try to do what it takes to make things better… or at least grovel and beg for forgiveness if I just had a moment of being a total blockhead. Operate on the basis that I am a semi-rational human when approaching a conflict with me and we’ll get along fine.
You’d be suprised how many men don’t understand that cardinal rule. Being gay doesn’t solve everything, lemme tell ya.
Easy - and the exanmple I’ll use is one I forgot to mention in my list: Guys tend to say what they mean without loading things up with secondary and even tertiary meaning (yes, this is another generalisation, but generalisations are all we can do in something the size of this thread). Now, a classic case of this is when I’m in the middle of something, and I get asked (told, whatever), “Can you take the garbage out, please?” Great. This is an example of If something’s wrong, tell me. The garbage can is in the wrong place, and I’ve just been told about it. Brilliant.
So I answer, “Yes. Later.” This may be because I’ve got some hot fat on the stove, or I’m in the middle of shooting my highest ever level of enemy spaceships, or I’m in the bathroom, or I have a third of a can of beer left, or maybe even … dare I say it … that I’m just couch potato-ing, and I’d like to continue doing that for a few more minutes before I have to get up, mess about with rain, gates, locks and and keys. The key point is that “later” means "later, and not “no”. It honestly does.
At this point the request turns into a nag:
“If you don’t want to do it, just tell me. But I’m alwwwaaays doing it.”
“Ummm… darling, where did I say I don’t want to do it? I will do it later.”
Five minutes pass…
“Have you taken the rubbish out yet?”
“Well, no, but…”
“SEE??? I KNEW you weren’t going to do it!”
“Erm… dearest… The time is now 6:30pm. The rubbish truck isn’t coming for another ELEVEN HOURS or so. I will do it at some point within the next half hour. Is that satisfactory?”
“OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE! I’ll DO IT!”
“Oh okay. Can you fetch me another beer on the way back?”
No, I have never actually used that last line (tempting though it is).
Generally, guys like to be asked something once. when you do it, be concise and provide as much information as you have. But only once.
BAD: Honey, can you bring that bag for me?" This leads to the guy asking which of many bags, the woman getting frustrated because it “should be obvious - aren’t men hopeless?”, the guy sensing this, getting reluctant to ask yet again, guessing, and bringing the wrong one.*
We are not dumb (okay, we’re none to bright either 
) , but we aren’t mind readers. Intuition isn’t our strong point. Not that intuition isn’t a good thing, but men don’t use it much relating to other men, and we seem to get by fine.
GOOD: Honey, when you come to pick me up this afternoon, can you please bring that yellow plastic supermarket bag full of DVDs? It’s on the second shelf in the closet behind the box of christmas decorations".
On a rare occasion, we might forget. We are human too. Generally though, we’ll do what you ask. Once it becomes a nag though, we get pissed off and reaction times slow down.
Yeah, TLD, later means later. The question is, though, how much later are we talking about? 'Cause, you know, with the men in my family, later can mean anything from in five minutes to eight months from now. And sometimes it actually does mean never. It’s quite frustrating sometimes, I have to say. With my dad, you ask him to do something and prepare to grow old. If you ask again in six months, you’re nagging at him. I honestly don’t know how Mom has managed to make it through 34 years without knocking him in the head.
Me, I generally just go on and do it myself. Saves both of us stress and aggravation. If I’m going to wind up doing it myself, I might as well do it while I’m not pissed off about waiting three days for him to do it.
I want nothing less than worship. As for relationships, I can’t really say anything about that, since I’m in the youthful indiscretion phase of my life – i.e., I can’t be chained down! So don’t try it, baby! I ain’t fooled by your feminine wiles! Wooooo, FREEBIRD!
Uh, anyway, here’s what I want:
nothing less than worship
a woman who has good aesthetics (which means dressing well, which doesn’t mean flaunting your body, although it can, but rather wearing clothing that’s aesthetically pleasing. Of course, I have rather bizarre tastes.)
a woman who’s hornier than I am (so far, I’ve been quite lucky in this regard)
good conversation and sharing my resentment at the injustices perpetrated against me by The Man
a woman who does things I like but doesn’t debase herself
HONESTY
let me repeat that: HONESTY
yeah, did I mention honesty? Honesty is essential.
Oh, but I’m not. I’m impugning his honesty. My apologies for the confusion.
This is not exactly limited to the men in your family. (cough license plate cough) 
As for nagging, it’s like pornography–I know it when I see it. It isn’t something I even like to joke about, because nothing brings on my depression more than feeling pressured about things I should have done that I haven’t done. I’m fortunate that my beloved CatLady does not nag me (at least not often or intentionally), though, as she points out, this sometimes means things go undone for a few days and she gets pissed about it, which also makes me want to crawl in a hole and disappear. I don’t know what the answer is.
A few other things on my list, speaking only for myself:
Be straightforward. If you think I am spending too much time out drinking with my buddies and you want to spend more time together, say, “I think you are spending too much time out drinking with your buddies and I want to spend more time together.”
Accept me for what I am. I am flawed, but I am not a fixer-upper.
Say nice things about me in public. Don’t say bad things about me in public, since my self-esteem is basically nil as it is.
I don’t expect you to be excited about everything I’m excited about, but don’t tear down that excitement.
Well, I do all of the above, in both of your posts
Never did me any good. Which brings me to an additional question to the OP’s. When a woman does do all that don’t you guys just start taking it for granted and get bored, hence going back to square one on wanting/needing to be treated differently?
Be open.
Be true to yourself and your partner.
When you’re angry, say so and why and (if applicable) what you want your partner to change! Us men can be really myopic when it comes to seeing what we’re doing wrong.
Don’t look for the subtext. It’s not there. Males are simply not subtext-creating creatures.
I also agree with Sample_the_Dog in that you must must must be really obvious about something if you want it to be understood. We really won’t get the hint. No, really. I mean it. I had a relationship crumble very recently and a lot of its downfall had to do with this; I always had the feeling that she meant something a little different from what she said and I could never quite figure out what, and her actions reinforced that. That’s a really frustrating feeling, especially with someone you’re supposed to share everything with.
Sexually speaking, be vocal about what you like and don’t like, what your partner does and doesn’t do well, and your favorites. There’s no feeling in the world quite like pressing exactly the right sexual button at exactly the right time.
Again, ASK when you want something. Please. I can’t stress this enough. Nobody’s a mind reader, and us males are particularly bad at figuring out what exactly you want. Please, just say it.
And please don’t hide things because you think it’ll make your partner feel bad. He really does want to know. (I would, anyway.)
Backrubs and blowjobs, spontaneously, without being asked. (I should hope he would reciprocate in kind.) He’ll love you for it. There’s not much hotter than getting a great blowjob without having to ask for it.
I agree with Bear_Nenno about variety.
I also agree with kelly5078 about respect.
It’s not so much an issue of balance as of how you say it. Don’t nag, but tell us. We want to hear what’s wrong and what we need to do to fix it.
Don’t treat your man like he’s dumb or not good enough for you or whatever. This was another problem in my last relationship. Being with her made me feel inadequate.
Yup, these are all spot-on (except the worship thing–that’s a little weird).
A good guy won’t. I don’t think I do–especially now that I’ve had a relationship where there was a lot of disconnection on these points. I make it a point to tell my not-quite-girlfriend (we’re basically bf/gf but aren’t exclusive because we’re in different states) that she’s awesome and I appreciate her being there for me and doing all the right things, and that I recognize and appreciate her efforts to be good to me.
Maybe the fact that it might work for bear nenno, but not for every man?
I must have turned myself inside out doing everything I could think of to interest and “keep” the one I loved, including making myself “different and new” by changing my appearance frequently as bear nenno suggests.
IMHO, doing this makes a fun addition to a relationship for some men, but it sure as HELL won’t help you “keep” a man.
Thanks kunilou, LoadedDog, and Priam. That seems like good advice, and I know waaaaay too many women who talk about their husband like he’s an extra child to take care of. I know they think they are being affectionate, but it always seems very condescending to me.
Also, the problem with parent-child relationships (this goes for controlling-father-type men too) is that the ‘child’ will eventually grow up and individuate from the ‘parent.’ It’s only natural, but it causes a lot of heartache for all concerned.
(Underlining mine)
That’s the word I was looking for last night. The balance between respect and not nagging is here: don’t be condescending. You and your SO should always be on the same level.
Ooops, sorry I forgot to include you, fetus! I’m sure your suggestions were very valuable to somebody. It’s so cute- you post as if you knew what you’re talking about! pats head
kidding. I kid
How to treat a man? For most of us, you can use neatsfoot oil. If you want us to be waterproof, mink oil or silicone is good.
