How do you deal with Korean parents who do not want you to move in with someone?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year, and have decided that we want to move in together. I am 24, he is 25, and we are both working professionals in Washington, DC.

My parents are Korean, and live half way around the world. Even though I am not American and my native language is Korean, people who meet me will rarely think I was anything other than American.

Today, I told my dad on the phone that I wanted to move in with my boyfriend. He said absolutely not, you’ve been together for too short of a time, living together with someone is what you do with someone before you get married, you’re being impulsive, you’ve disappointed me by even bringing this up, and you’ll disappoint me to no end if you go through with this, etc.

Yes, I am young, and no, I am not ready to get married any time soon – I am ambitious about my career, and don’t want to start a family for a good few years yet. But, I love my boyfriend very much and know without a hint of a doubt that he is the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I know that it is easy for people to say, “You’re 24 – you’re an adult, and should be able to make your own decisions.” But my parents mean everything to me, and I wouldn’t get a wink of sleep if I made a decision that I knew would disappoint them so greatly.

What should I do? Try to convince them? Just say hell with it and do whatever I want? Consider this round a lost battle and wait a year or two before I float the idea again? I feel so torn between doing what is “right” in the eyes of my parents and doing what will make me so happy with the love of my life. In the meantime, my boyfriend, who has been incredibly supportive throughout all of this, is frustrated that I am not standing up for what I want.

I would be grateful for any thoughts, advice, relatable stories or experiences that anyone may have to offer.

2

Well, you can try to reason with them and point out that you are an adult and they have no right to order you about. But ultimately you have three choices; lie to them about what you are doing (and hope you never get caught), let them run every detail of your life as long as you live, or do what you want regardless of their opinion.

3

Are you financially dependent on them? Based on your OP I assume not. They live on the other side of the globe, so it’s not really effecting them. BTW, I assume your bf is not Korean, and that is part of their objection, even unconsciously?

4

Let’s reiterate this :

Option A: Lie to them about what you are doing and hope you won’t get caught.

Option B: Let them run every detail of your life as long as you live.

Option C: Do what you want regardless of their opinion.
They have the rest of their lives to live with your decisions and so do you.

5

:: Paging HazelNutCoffee! HazelNutCoffee to the green courtesy phone! ::

[sub]Hmm. You know, maybe this is why I never hit it off with that Korean girl in university…[/sub]

6

The traditional solution:

Find a friend that will let you rent a room for relatively cheap, put some of your stuff in that room. Use it as your mailing address, at least for stuff from your family. Stay there a couple days a month.

Stay over at your boyfriends most of the time, so that your effectively living together.

There you go, now your not lying to your parents, your renting your own place. You still get 99% of the experience of living with your boyfriend, and as an added bonus, you get a “liferaft” if living together doesn’t work and you need to find a new place to stay real fast, or if you just have a fight and need to stay somewhere else for a couple days.

Downside: it’ll cost you one or two hundred bucks a month for the room, but such is the price of love and filial piety

7

That’s exactly what I was thinking (well, not the part about your love life - I can’t comment on that. :slight_smile: )

8

Hah!

Hey KoreanGirl, I feel your pain. I’m 29 and currently living with the man I’ll most likely end up marrying, but my parents don’t know about our living arrangements. We’ve been keeping this a secret for the past 2-3 years. At some point I did consider coming clean to them, but then I decided that would be a horrible idea. The ONLY reason they would ever condone it is if we were officially engaged and the wedding date were set in stone - and maybe not even then.

Here’s the thing. You will never be able to convince your parents that living with a man does not mean the end of the world. Ever. It doesn’t matter how logical or persuasive your arguments are. They are from a different time and place. And I totally understand that you are afraid of disappointing your parents, and that it’s hard when your boyfriend is not from Korea and doesn’t understand that Korean children are forever reluctant to disappoint their parents no matter how old they are.

My point is, waiting a year to float the idea again is probably not going to work anyway.

Either you:
a) are straight with them and brave their disappointment.
b) decide not to do it and deal with your boyfriend’s disappointment.
c) do it and keep it a secret.

I would recommend C, as it’s worked out for me. Of course, there is always the possibility that they may find out (but much lower for you - my parents live only an hour away from us). But I’ve known several Korean/other couples that managed to pull it off without getting caught. Really C is easiest for all involved. Yes, lying to your parents will weigh a bit on your conscience, but it’s a lot easier to deal with than the shitstorm that will happen if they do know.

9

While you are right that this is part of being an adult, another part of growing up is learning to negotiate with your parents as equals. There is a huge difference between disrespecting your parents and disagreeing with them even if they don’t see it. What I would suggest is, no matter what you end up doing, that this is crystal clear.

I know that this is an “east meets west” kind of situation and that complicates things, but nonetheless, you are no longer a child and they cannot reasonably expect to treat you as one.

What I would do is listen to your parents concerns, see if there are any reasonable accommodations you can make with them, and then do what you think is right.

This is, of course, much easier to say than to do, so whatever happens, keep that in mind.

10

Here are links to two threads of mine on similar issues:

11

Do you fear your father may show up and physically harm you or your boyfriend?

I want to remind you that this treatment will never end until you make it clear that they can no longer make decisions for you.

I will tell you what my sister said to my father after he refused her permission to do some minor thing – I think it was to go to NYC for a week with a girlfriend. She reminded him she is a legal adult, she pays her own way, and the only reason he even knows where she is is that she told him. And he if talked like this to her again, the next time she moved she wouldn’t give him her new address or phone number.

I’m guessing you don’t have the kind of abusive relationship we had with our father. You appear to have a lot of respect for them and that’s great. But it’s time to start insisting on getting some of that respect back from them. I might start gently, something like, "I am interested in your thoughts on this but please don’t issue me orders. I’m not a child living at home anymore.

12

I always have this conversation with my (Western) friends. They tell me to stand up to my parents, to let them know that I am no longer a child and that I can make my own decisions and they’re just going to have to accept that. That they can no longer control my life.

A lot of Koreans just don’t have that kind of relationship with their parents. Confucianism demands absolute filial piety. I am pretty much as white-washed as it is possible for a Korean girl to be, but whenever I tell my parents that they need to let me make my own decisions because I am freakin’ 29 and have proved myself to be a sensible human being, they always say things like: We are your parents. You will always be our daughter, no matter how old you are. We love you and want the best for you. We didn’t bring you up to disrespect your own blood. Etc, etc.

It sounds incredibly bizarre to people who haven’t grown up in this culture, but most Korean parents really do mean well. The problem is that they take “disobedience” very personally, like you’re doing it on purpose to hurt them. And yes, you could say “that’s their problem” but most Korean kids love their parents and really do not want to hurt them if at all possible.

That’s not to say that you can’t live your own life, as a child of Korean parents. But you just need to find a compromise of some sort. Like I said, it’s going to be almost impossible to get them to see reason. My parents lived in the US for 14 years, and that mellowed them out somewhat, but in many ways they are still very set in their ways, especially my dad. I’ve long since come to terms with what they will and won’t budge on.

13

I agree. A lot of the advice is definitely coming from the Western perspective, and while it makes complete sense in that context, it doesn’t work so well in traditional Korean society. Keep in mind that in Korea, children live with their parents essentially until they are married and often even beyond. There really isn’t the same idea of leaving home and making it on your own.
For the OP, considering your parents are actually still in Korea, I highly doubt you’ll be able to reason them into seeing things your way. It really does come down to hiding it if you want to be able to live with your boyfriend. You can still live your life, but finding a compromise that involves your parents seeing things your way is going to be next to impossible. I’m a guy and my parents have lived here for 35 years, but they would still flip out if they thought I was living with my girlfriend. As a daughter who is halfway around the world… I don’t know that it’s possible.

14

Let me suggest a response. “That’s great, folks! You pretend you’re giving me orders and I’ll pretend you’re giving me advice. I will listen, and I will decide what to do.”

15

Here’s the problem Hazel-By being so concerned with your parent’s opinion, you are ceding your autonomy to them. To become a functioning adult, you need your autonomy, and if parents want their kids to become functioning adults, this autonomy is crucial.

16

I really don’t understand the advice to hide it and lie to your parents.

First, lying to them seems even more disrespectful than telling them you won’t obey their every command. Second, it’s gonna take money and effort to maintain the fiction. Separate addresses? Two phones in the home? To what limit do you want to take it? Third, it seems a coward’s way out – though maybe I’m feeling this way because it’s a guy thing.

BTW, what do you think is going to change in the next couple of years that will allow you to tell them? Presume they “cool off” – are they going to stay cooled off when they learn you’ve been lying to them for years? Or are you going to produce a new set of lies, and pretend to move in together then?

17

Well, being Americans, imposing our culture on others is kind of our specialty. It’s not that it’s hard to understand - there’s clearly a culture clash here - but it’s just that these thought processes are ultimately incompatible, and we think our way is better.

Asserting your independence is the American way. It’s not so in all other cultures. So people like you and the OP ultimately have to decide where your values lie. Understandably this is a difficult decision.

18

It sounds like Hazel has found a solution that works for her, but you’re stepping in and saying “no, no, no Hazel, you’re doing it wrong.” Isn’t that a bit presumptuous?

19

Its true, S. Korea has no functioning adults.

20

Some people don’t understand what it’s like to have fob parents. Bah.