Last night my dad came in drunk (I’m visiting my parents for the weekend) and more or less called me a woman of loose morals for sleeping with a white man I’m not even formally engaged to.
I cried, I was so mad and hurt. It really hurt that my own dad judged me by some antiquated Confucian moral standard. It was even more shocking because I thought my dad liked my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for two years and he’s hung out with my family often enough. He gets along with my parents just fine, or so I thought.
My boyfriend isn’t helping. We’re saving up for a house, have talked about a long-term future, kids, etc. He’s not opposed to the institution of marriage or anything like that - at heart he’s an old-fashioned Catholic boy. But any concrete talk of marriage plans makes him look like he’s suffering from heartburn. I know he wants to propose the old-fashioned way (he’s mildly appalled that people nowadays pick out engagement rings together) but I don’t know how much longer I can stay sane, stuck between my parents and my boyfriend.
Sorry, Hazel. I’ve always enjoyed your posts, and I’m sorry you’re hurting. You deserve better than that. Virtual hugs don’t mean much but consider yourself virtually hugged.
If dad wants to know why, I’m not sure what you tell him.
Sorry honey. I can’t imagine my dad saying something that shitty to me, even though I’ve given him cause for a few choice words with some of my actions over the years.
“Dad, I’m sorry that I’m not living my life according to the precepts that you wish I was, but times have changed, and it really hurt me when you called me a slut. I know you’d rather I was married–and probably rather I’d married some nice boy from our own culture–but in my world, I’m not promiscuous”
or perhaps not.
I do think you should tell your father that he hurt your feelings, but I’m not sure that a more in depth exploration of your behavior and the changing times will actually make anything better.
I would refuse to speak to him until he apologized*. I would also point he better change his tune if he wants to spend any time with his future grandkids.
Well, actually, I would unleash furies of several hells upon anyone foolish enough to say that in my hearing. But I think the above is a better plan.
I would just try to avoid discussing my personal life around him. It’s not really any of his business who you’re sleeping with or not. Bottom line is that there are a lot of dads, even ones who seem open-minded, who flip out at the idea of some guy sleeping with their daughter. I imagine the cultural differences may make it harder for him.
My parents are dead now but back when my mom was alive I refused to discuss any intimate details about my relationship with my BF. Everyone was happier that way.
Perhaps, “And you’re a mean drunk who apparently doesn’t want his daughter to visit anymore.”
Sounds a bit of a moot point now–you know you’re not a slut right? Two years of monogamy with someone you’ve discussed future plans is about as far from a slut as you can get nowadays without being one of these purity-ring brandishing prigs, at least in the context of those active on the dating scene. Hopefully he’ll sober up and apologize, and perhaps some discussion of respect and appropriate boundaries might be in order–I don’t know how old you are, but marriage is nothing to rush into, sex usually is. ;). It’s not really his business either way if you are an independent adult though.
Dang, sorry to hear about that. You know that you are living your life properly and honestly. I had super conservative asian parents, and I managed to survive. I know that they thought they knew what was best, even though they just happened to be wrong and actually a little bit nuts. If you ever have kids, your parents are going to love them.
Quoted for Truth.
Move over Freudian and let me give Hazel a big hug.
Hazel, you cannot go though life trying to live up to someone else’s expectations.
Live your life your way.
You might want to listen to this song, and sing along.
(assuming from your post and location that you’re Korean) sounds like your dad’s pissed you’re not hooking up with someone like you. best I can say is old people are prejudiced and set in their ways. don’t know if there’s much you can do about it.
If it makes your boyfriend feel better, in the older days, they picked out rings together too. The man choosing an engagement ring is a tradition created by the diamond companies.
What your dad said was assy and I would not think it over the top to pack up, go home and tell him to apologize.
So sorry that happened, HNC. I’m afraid I can help much, my mom having been a liberal English socialist artist and all. I just hope I never get that closed-minded in my old age.
When I was young, my dad pretty much said the same thing to me. He’s now 86, I’m 52, and he lives with me and my husband. (It’s not the same guy, FTR.) He loves me and respects me and probably doesn’t remember how bad he hurt me back then. I haven’t ever forgotten, but I forgive him.
He just wants what he thinks is best for you. Your culture is what it is. Irishboy loves you, and y’all will figure out what to do about marriage when it’s time.
Hazel, that sucks. In my experience with *Chinese ** parents, and all parents for that matter, is they don’t want to see you hurt. No doubt they have seen, “heard about” or read about in the tabloids of a “love 'em and leave 'em” relationship with a foreigner and don’t want that to happen to you. Secondly, Pops may be thinking that you found a nice guy and decent future son in law but by all things confucian why aren’t you two at least engaged? Maybe he is thinking that after 2 years, case one is looking more likely.
I’m guessing that once the two of you are married then everything becomes kosher. Until you are at least formally engaged, it will be a strain.
If you wanna be snarky, tell him you’re his daughter and he’s the one that took you to America and exposed you to a multi-lingual, multi-cultural world, so he shouldn’t be surprised if you’re not waiting around for an arranged marriage. And his grandkids will be simply adorable.
At least in China there is a huge prejudice and/or bad blood over white guys sleeping with their women. In my own experience, I make sure early on that people know my wife is Chinese, my kids speak Chinese, I was a Chinese language major in College, I understand their culture, and I’m at least not blatently out to indiscriminantly impregnate the local women.
*Asia is a big country. And while Chinese and Korean cultures have a fair amount of similarities, I have no idea how far experience in one country may carry over to the neighbor.
There is prejudice on both sides of the ocean and one will run into people that think inter-racial multi-cultural couples are an abomination.
Hazel, my brother is married to a lady from China and her mother lives with them too. Grandma is a fussy and particular woman and complained and bitched about/at everybody in the house (including the two little kids).
For years my brother bit his tongue and made nice with Grandma because elders in China have free rein to say or do as they please, and everyone is supposted to kowtow to them.
Ten years of this he finally got outdone and told her “Look, Grandma, we don’t live in the Old Country. We live in America. I am the head of the house here. Stop with the bitching.”.
So… something like Eureka suggested, I think. Point out that you’re a different generation, not living in Korea all the time, and for you this is morally okay.
And I’m sorry he said such a hurtful thing to you.
I’m not sure if I can give any decent advice, because my response would probably be to get into a big screaming match with him and say things I regretted later. That shit would piss me right off.
Your dad thinks you’re doing wrong by his standards, but you’re not him, and you’re not living his life. It sounds like you’re doing fine by your own standards. I’m sorry that he said such a cruel thing to you. If he can’t treat you with respect, maybe you shouldn’t visit any more. It’s one thing to disagree with what someone is doing, and another to call them awful names.
When he sobers up ask him if what he said, and let him know exactly, is what he’d like you to hear if he is sober. Fact is, we all have an inner Mel Gibson and probably should all get a little slack for what we say when drunk.
If he says that is really what he thinks then tell him:
“Just be grateful that I don’t like drunks with tiny cocks who abuse the women in their lives.”
