After 36 years of that type of abuse from my dad, I decided I’d had enough. That was almost a year ago and while I miss being close with my family, the peace-of-mind I have now is very much worth it.
Hopefully you won’t have to resort to such drastic measures, but if you have to walk away it is understandable. No one deserves that kind of abuse.
Sorry to hear this happened Hazel. Your father is a drunk, and you were probably just a convenient target for all the problems he is dealing with.
However, the correct response is: Sorry, I can’t hear you. I just fucked so many guys my ears are full of cum.
Don’t try to one up him. Tell him the simple truth: “It really hurts me when you say that to me.”
Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. 
My dad doesn’t get drunk often, but when he does he can be hurtful - although last night was by far the worst thing he’s ever said to me. In the mornings he doesn’t even remember (or he acts like he doesn’t remember, anyway).
I had a talk with my boyfriend. I was very apologetic about my parents’ demands but he said we’re better off than a lot of mixed race couples, who have to deal with parents a lot more unreasonable than mine (which seems to be the case for a lot of people judging by the anecdotes in this thread). Anyway, he said he’s going to call my dad this week and have a manly heart to heart. :dubious: :eek: Wish us luck.
Maybe there’s a good reason for the manly heart to heart but what is it?
What kind of discussion with the bf is likely to change your father’s mind? Maybe there is some way to talk someone out of such a position but it doesn’t seem likely.
If your father disapproves of your relationship, in what way does it impact you aside from feeling badly because your father disapproves of you?
He doesn’t disapprove of our relationship per se. He disapproves of us having sex but not having any concrete plans to get engaged/married.
Mind you, he never used the word sex, but implied it by saying the way we were now, we might as well be living together (which in Korea is pretty much frowned upon before marriage).
My boyfriend’s hang-up is that he wants to be able to surprise me with a proposal. He finds it weird and unromantic to discuss details about marriage beforehand. So we decided to appease my parents by having him discuss his plans for getting engaged to me with my parents. That way they can be reassured that he’s not just going to shag me and dump me later, and my boyfriend can still surprise me.
Hazel, I’m really sorry. I know that most Korean parents are much more conservative than Japanese are, and there are many issues there. It’s always a tightrope to walk on how much to you can expect them to become liberalized and how much the old country kicks in.
My Taiwanese PIL feel much better about me now there are a couple of grandkids running (or slobbering) around.
You can point out to him that it was they who introduced you to the US culture by living in the States for as long as they did. (IIRC, it was your father’s job that you went over to the States before?)
It may be worth pointing out to your father that there is somethingwhich would help you forgive him.
‘That’s nice Daddy. Just remember I’m the one choosing your nursing home.’
Pat his hand as you’re saying it and then walk away.
Hi Hazel,
I also enjoy your posts and am sorry to see you hurt. To distract you a bit, may I tell you my story?
I’m a white chick, but am close with my Japanese homestay parents that I met back as a college student. They weren’t able to have kids, so while there is a bit of formality between us, at the same time sometimes they forget and get demanding.
When I moved in with my Japanese boyfriend in NYC at the age of 27 or so, they lost their minds. I went back for a visit, and homestay mom made me swear not to tell ANYONE. They didn’t trust a fellow J-bloke, even! They were both mortified and hugely disappointed.
Then said J-bloke rode the Shinkansen out to meet them and talk mano a mano, and they thought this guy was wonderful. I ultimately broke up with him, and they still think I’m effing nuts to have let such a good mensch get away.
As I got older and the options dwindled, they went from “Marry that guy!” to “Marry someone, FFS” to “Fine! Just have a kid if you can’t find the right guy!” to the most recent “eeeeehhh, marriage is overrated. We don’t mind if you want to just live with a guy. Just make sure he’s not a deadbeat.”
I wonder if your Dad, in his ham-fisted way, is trying to gently shove you two to his desired outcome–to push you sex-crazed kids into marriage? I predict your boyfriend’s meeting with dad will go well. :D:D
Also! You’ll have to gauge your parents’ capacity for self-delusion, but when my bf and I travelled together in Japan, his parents asked if we were sharing a room. He said, “yeah, but there’s 2 beds.”
THEY FELL FOR IT! baw haw haw! I’m telling you, sometimes people will hold on to anything, no matter how flimsy.
I am sorry your Dad talked to you that way, though. All kindsa wrong. And we have the whole “Yeah, I was drunk so I remember NOTHING. NOTHING at all. Nope.” here too.
Let us know how it turns out!
This is not a good tactic. “See dad, it’s *your *entire fault. Had we stayed in Korea I wouldn’t be sleeping with my boyfriend.” It’s dishonest, manipulative, and game-playing.
I guess in our case we were fortunate. My wife is Chinese, and her parents *had *to have known I was boinking their daughter before we were married. They never said anything to us. I think they thought I was a crazy American white guy, and were afraid to saying something. 
Why would you want to tell your dad he has a tiny cock? I think there’s something being implied here that might not speak highly of your character.
In terms of the OP, I wouldn’t take it personally. I’ve long accepted that the cultural and generational gap between my parents and I puts us in completely different wavelengths in terms of a lot of things and their opinion on matters that is not their business is quickly and comfortably disregarded.
I’m actually pretty close to my parents but I pretty much keep them out of the loop in terms of things I don’t think they’d understand.
No it’s not, and I’m not suggesting what you are saying at all.
This is a fact of life, that she was introduced to a new culture and spent time abroad. You can’t really expect people to live in a different culture and remain completely untouched, no matter how much parents would like that for their kids.
I just think throwing it back at her dad ("It’s YOUR fault - not MY fault) would not be the right thing to do. The fact that she’s sleeping with her boyfriend is nobody’s “fault”. Making this statement would imply her actions are wrong, which they’re not.
I agree. That’s the point I was making about Hazel not trying to one-up her father. She shouldn’t try to hurt her father like he hurt her. And she shouldn’t try to be flippant about a remark that caused her real pain.
Set your boundaries, communicate them, and if he violates them, leave.
Maybe you’ll be around him when he is drinking, but if he is verbally abusive, you walk out.
Maybe you are just not around him when he is drunk.
If he doesn’t remember abusing you when he is drunk, he won’t remember you walking out either.
And no one is or has suggested that she do that. You were the one who brought up sleeping with the boyfriend. I never suggested that nor suggested that she “through it back at her father.” This is all from you.
Damn, missed the edit window.
What I am suggesting is a reasonable discussion, based on the facts of the situation and what a reasonable person would experience in the situation. You are completely misreading me and are saying that I’m calling for a fight, which I, again, am not.
Depending on the relationship and how much I cared about it, my reaction would be one of the following:
“Dad, you’re drunk. Go to bed and don’t talk to me until you’re capable of acting like an adult.”
or
“My private sex life is none of your god damned business, and it’s creepy and inappropriate that you feel a need to comment on it.”
Of course, I grew up in a family which schooled me early that blood ties are nothing special, and family of choice is more meaningful than calling yourselves “family” just because you share DNA. (This doesn’t prohibit me from choosing blood relatives as family, but I don’t choose them just because we’re related.)
If his behavior was an anomaly, I’d write it off as his being drunk and stupid (and might tell him when he’s sober not to be drunk and stupid in my presence). If it’s not, I’d start setting some pretty strict, iron-clad boundaries with him, assuming you still want him in your life.
[I didn’t read the whole thread, so sorry if these comments are completely out of context.]
I would advise you to refrain from contact with your dad when he is drunk.
I lived with an active alcoholic, and learned that you cannot expect reasonable communication from them most of the time and certainly not when they are drunk. You’re approaching your dad’s comments as though they were rational. You can’t reason with a drunk person. There is no point in talking to them, attempting to reason with them, defending yourself to them, or frankly, remaining in the same room with them.
Suggest you consider attending alanon and draw up some rules of your own regarding what you will and will not stick around and listen to from your dad.
I got a lot out of attending alanon. It wasn’t what I expected- it was better.
Tell him “Regular doses of thick white cock allow me to cope with having an asshole of a father. In fact, you are giving me the urge to go give my boyfriend a blow job right now, in gratitude for not being like my father”