How to resolve conflict with your conservative Korean parents after moving in with your SO.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I am not sure where to begin but the main concern I have is how to deal with my conversative Korean parents and if I should go home for Thanksgiving. The problem is that recently I told my parents that I moved in with my boyfriend of 5 years and shit hit the fan. I am 28 years old and my boyfriend is 29. Both of us have a good career and are responsible people. For about 4 months before I officially moved in with my boyfriend, I have been tormented about how to break the news to them since they are still not fond of my boyfriend but just have no choice as to accept him as my boyfriend since I have fought to stay with him. My parents originally opposed us of dating since he was not Korean and did not share commonality with me or my family such as not a college graduate, came from a different family background and mainly because of culture is so different from my upbringing. We have been together for 5 years and within those years, my parents have only met him twice (when they came to see me for my birthday) and that was after we have been together for 3 years. We fought a lot about who I should date and marry since they strongly believed in having a say in who I date/marry and I believe in the opposite. Plus since I was 20, I moved away from home to attend college and that was when I learned a lot about myself and I believe that is when I became stronger and more individualistic. They eventually gave in to us dating (after 4 years of being together) and recently when I mention that we are serious and we have talked about marriage my mom does not become upset since he makes more money than I do and him and I started going to church once a month for my parents. My mom knows that we spend time at each other’s place and go on vacations together. I have met his side of family and they are super open-minded, welcoming and so different from my family. I am not saying that I like that better but I do wish that my parents were not so judgemental and kind of controlling. They did not want to get to know my boyfriend in the beginning and finally after 3 yaers they met him for the first time, they mentioned though he seems like a nice guy, his work situation and where he is at work doesn’t seem to be high enough to become successful so we think we should move on from him. I told them that I am not asking for permission to date but just support from them.

So now they are super upset at both us for not telling them before moving in with him and for us living together. They say over and over that I am a bad daughter for moving in with him even though I knew how they would react and that I don’t care for their happiness. I apologized for not letting them know beforehand and for hurting them but that is not my intention. I don’t know what to do now. I haven’t spoken to her in 2 weeks and we have fought before about being able to make my own decisions when it comes to my personal life and the longest we have gone without talking to each other was 3 months. I already tried talking to her 2 times before because I don’t want us to go with talking for 3 months again, and I have mentioned to her that as well but she won’t just let it be. We end up staying on the phone for 1-2 hours and her just saying hurtful things like “I don’t care about them and I only care about my happiness. Forget getting our blessing for marriage with him and how would your future kids feel if they don’t have grandparents in their lives?” Since then nothing has progressed. I mentioned that I am not asking for permission but simply want to include them in my life and be honest with them. My mom has told me not to bother calling them unless I have something to say that will make them feel better. Now with Thanksgiving approaching fast, I am not sure what to do. I know I can go with him to his family’s thanksgiving event and they will welcome me with open arms. I know if I go home I don’t know how my relationship with my parents will turn out since they cannot seem to let go of the fact that I decided to move in. They are still upset and cannot let this be and let me make my own decision. I told them repeatedly that I would not have moved in unless I was certain that we would be together, marry and have my own set of family. I don’t just move in with any boyfriend because they don’t understand why couples live together before actually getting married. They think that we are going to try living together and if it doesn’t work out we will break up and go on our separate ways. Though we are not married I do intend on making it work since I don’t see “living together” as seeing if we are “compatible”. We have been dating for a long time now so I know that we will be compatible together.

I am leaning more towards going with my boyfriend to be surrounded by supportive people and spend our first Holiday together since he was never welcomed at my parent’s place.

Has anyone else in the same situation as me experienced this and how did they deal with it?

2

Um, have your parents invited you to dinner?

If not, go to BF’s family meal and enjoy yourself. If they did invite you, did you mention you’d love to come but aren’t interested in spending all your time together reviewing your life choices? Because that’s what I would do whenever they invite you! If they can’t commit to that, say, “Thanks anyway, but we’ll make other plans. Maybe we can try again next year!” Don’t bother getting upset or angry or feeling guilty.

You sort of have to decide to either actively shape your relationship with them, by making some boundaries, or allow them to determine the nature of your relationship with them.

Sooner or later it may come down to, going to visit, being fully prepared to politely exit as soon as they start in. “I am fully aware of your views on this. I am not open to discussing it further.”

Followed by, “oK, well, I’m going to go now, have a lovely evening, Good Night.” Make for the door, with a smile on your lips, and do not engage further.

You may have to repeat it, once or twice. But they’ll get it eventually. (After doing this just once you, you will be amazed at how empowered you actually feel. Their bullshit will just slide right off. Because you’ve got a back up plan! And you’re not afraid to use it!)

Consider it a rite of passage to adulthood, like any other cultural ceremony. Everyone has to do it in some form, it’s just way more pronounced with really controlling parents. But it’s the same dance regardless.

Wishing you Good Luck with it, I know it’s not easy!

3

Yep, what Elbows said. They’ll come around. Maybe not by this Thursday, but it’ll be okay when they’ve had some time to come to grips with it.

4

Thanks for replying to my thread.

Before I told my parents my news, I mentioned to that I wanted to bring my boyfriend home with me for Thanksgiving. My mom replied saying “Why does he want to come spend the Holidays here?” and when I explained to her that last year he has expressed interest that he would have loved an invitation from my parents to spend thankgiving together but was bummed that they still do not accept him and like him, she said “It’s going to be awkward but let me talk to Dad and see what he says” so I think they were under the impression that my boyfriend was going to come home with me. But of course after I told them that we moved in together, she mentions now there is no way that they can see our faces since they are so angry with us. My dad just kept yelling in the back “WHY WOULD HE COME HERE FOR THANKSGIVING? HE IS NOT WELCOME HERE” and my mom goes “it’s just hypothetical!” and she has mentioned “you don’t need to come home during the Holidays” so I just know things will not go well. She has told me not to call her either unless I had things to tell her that will make them feel better and to please them so I just don’t know if going home is the best thing for me. Everyone that I know, even my boyfriend, thinks that I should still call my mom and try going home even if they are super pissed but I don’t think they understand how upset my parents are. They cannot just leave this alone and respect my decision but I also think it’s because they truly think that what I am doing is wrong and they are really hurt by my actions. I know it’s a cultural and generation difference and I don’t mean to hurt them purposefully but I can’t help feeling bad for going after what I want for my relationship with my boyfriend for a price in my parents’ feelings and wishes.

They hate it whenever I try to end the conversation whenever they get mad and start saying things like “why are you doing this? why can’t you wait until we say it’s ok? You need to get an approval from us” because they think that I am acting very rude so it’s hard for me to say “I cannot discuss this further if you guys keep saying those things.”

5

Consider reminding them that you were not raised in the world they were. And if that’s what they wanted they should have stayed in Korea. Because in the world you live in, grown ass women control their own destinies. Like, how have they not noticed?

Or maybe you could get all Asian passive aggressive on their asses! (It’s not like they haven’t taught you the language!:D) Y’know, “I beg your most humble forgiveness that you were not delivered the cultural zombie you so desperately desired to follow your every command. I am unworthy, how can I curse your family home with my presence? I realize I shall never be forgiven.”

Don’t go home. Don’t let your friend talk you into making nice if you don’t feel it. I don’t think they get it, or what it will be like for you. Go have fun with his folks and don’t look back. Continue to call them from time to time. Chirp happy news, ask how they are, when they start in, …“I think there’s someone at the door, gotta go!”

I really hope you get a very Happy Thanksgiving!

6

This. Just wait till you’ve got something to say that will please them. You could give it a try: “Hey I won the lottery! Fifty bucks!” “My BF got his vasectomy reversed!” If that kind of good news isn’t quite what they’re looking for I would put off calling them until you can announce the birth of your first child. That should do it. or not.

7

I’ve noticed what usually happens, not always, but most times, is that when that first grandbaby comes along all prejudice goes out the window. Most people cannot resist their grandchildren. I’ve seen people who were horrified when their kids married outside their race turn into melting pools of beaming mushy pride over their mixed race grandchildren - and they will deny to the day they die that they EVER had a problem with the interracial marriage and they have NEVER had a prejudice bone in their body. Just look at that beautiful baby, have you ever seen anything like him/her? How can you even think that they once disapproved?

8

Yeah. I’ve seen that also; however, I’ve also seen the opposite. The bigoted jackasses get more bigoted and completely cut off contact or any hope of contact for their children and the grandchildren.

To the OP: From what you’ve posted in this thread, you already know, indubitably, what the one and only thing is that your parents want to hear from you. If you’re not comfortable with moving out of the boyfriend’s home and cutting off all contact with him, then the situation’s not going to change.

9

It sounds like your parents have all but told you outright that they don’t want you to visit them for the holidays. I’m sorry. That’s a terrible situation to be in. :frowning:

10

There’s no way to resolve this conflict. Presumably, what you’d like is to restore/salvage a loving relationship with your parents, but given what you describe, there’s no way this is going to happen short term. You shouldn’t spend your energy arguing with them about the issue. It’s only going to stress you out and hurt you for no conceivable gain. You’re not going to make them change their mind. This issue shouldn’t be open to discussion anymore. Not for two hours on the phone, not even for five minutes.
Your parents are forcing you to choose between them and your future husband. Presumably, it will hurt, presumably you’ll feel guilty, given that you’re subjected to very heavy handed emotional blackmail, but they leave you with no option besides making that choice.
Appeasement policies won’t work. As long as your parents will feel you’re leaving a door open, they’ll keep pushing your buttons. The only chance you have that they will eventually come to accept your partner is if they feel that they have to make the hard choice (accepting him or losing you). And there’s of course no guarantee they’ll make the one you’d prefer. Maybe they mellow out later, if grandchildren appear in the picture, as a poster pointed out, if your husband turns out to be very successful in his career (since it seems that your husband’s paycheck is their main concern wrt your marriage) or simply if you father manage to swallow his pride. But you have no control, over this. There’s no secret recipe to make them magically accepting.

11

You’re the one with the power in this situation. You’re almost 30 and you support yourself.

How will your children feel without their grandparents in their lives? Hah! You could laugh in their faces. Just say “My children won’t know the difference. The question is how will you feel not being in your grandchildren’s lives.”

12

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. I’ll let people who have been in similar situations give the advice. But if you are feeling guilty, I think you should remember that they are the ones that are choosing to feel bad about this. They are the ones that are driving this whole drama. It’s not at all your fault that they are acting like this.

With people like this, if it’s not one thing, it’s another. Even if you had become the model Korean daugther and married a handsome Korean millionaire, they’d find something somewhere to disapprove of. The problem is not that you didn’t do good enough, it’s that they are choosing not to accept you.

13

or should I go with my boyfriend? My boyfriend thinks I should go home and face my parents and be the bigger person. Because if I don’t go home they will be more pissed off at me for 1)not telling them about moving in with him 2)living with him 3) not going home for thanksgiving which I have in the past always and 4) going to his family’s house instead so it will be even worse if I don’t go home. Just face them and don’t back down even if they say mean hurtful things to me.

I just don’t know if by me going home if it’ll make things better or be the same.

14

What do you want to do? How do you feel about all this? Assuming your feelings come first in this - what do you want? Shoot for that. Beyond a reasonable degree of care and concern for others - it’s your life.

15

I understand your boyfriend isn’t welcome there. If YOU weren’t invited, well, that pretty much answers the question about you showing up alone.

16

“My mom has told me not to bother calling them unless I have something to say that will make them feel better.”
Sounds like it is time to follow their wishes EXACTLY. They want to act like 2 year olds? Pick up your ball and go to YOUR home, until they can act like they have passed puberty. If asked ‘you have other plans’.

17

But there is no conflict except that which you are inflicting upon yourself. Your parents have made their position very clear: “it’s us or him!” Him. It’s him. Even if things go to shit with this particular him, your parents aren’t only refusing to accept this guy, they’re refusing to accept the culture into which they raised you. Tuff titty, you two.

The solution to your conflict? Something you find relaxing. I know people who go for footrubs, people who go for walks, and people who blow up tanks in their computer screen. Whatever works for you.

18

I don’t know your parents, but I would bet good money that it will stay the same after they spend the whole stay lecturing you about how bad a daughter you are.

As even sven stated :

  1. It’s a situation of their own making.

  2. There will be no way to please them.
    Note that they’re giving you a guilt trip about you putting your own hapiness above theirs while they’re the ones doing this. They put their minor satisfaction (having their daughter marrying the guy they want) over your hapiness in your love life. And you’re the one feeling bad about them while your father gets to feel righteously indignant. Make sure to fully realize that they’re the ones hurting you with their decisions, not the other way around. In particular if you’re mostly afraid of hurting their feelings by not going (as opposed to wanting to go because you love family reunions).

I’m not even convinced it’s a cutural issue. It’s a control issue. Your father wants you to be only an extension of his own life that he fully controls. He could be that way even if he was American born himself.

Out of curiosity : do you have siblings? If yes, how did your parents behave wrt their partners/spouses? And what do they think of your situation?

19

So it’s win-win, in a sense.

20

“Face them” for what? What have you done wrong? You’re almost 30, why are you still letting them control your life?