Call them, and tell them you and your boyfriend will be spending thanksgiving together. Say that you would like to visit them, but you can’t do that if your boyfriend is not welcome. Then have a lovely thanksgiving with your boyfriend’s family.
If the OP’s parents are like this now, imagine how they raised her. There’s your answer.
point taken.
Leaving aside cultural differences, you don’t actually owe your parents anything more than what you’ve given: You’ve heard their feelings on the subject.
Kids don’t owe their parents squat for just being parents. Just because I gave birth to my daughter, and will give her at least 18 years of food, clothes, shelter and love, doesn’t mean that when she’s thirty I can tell her who to date, what to wear and present her with an itemised bill for her rearing.
Taking culture into account, and I’m on shakier ground here, is it just race? Or are there filial piety issues coming into play? Were they hoping for a formal engagement and party to show off? Does living together not equate with a promise to marry?
Me? I’d tell them not to call me until they had something to make me feel better. As for your boyfriend? It’s sometimes hard to make them ‘get’ there’s a reason you don’t go home.
I support this advice, with the proviso that such a stance be expressed as diplomatically as you can manage. They need to understand that because you were raised mostly/completely in America, then you aren’t Korean - you are either American, or Korean-American (depending on how you feel about your Korean heritage). Your parents didn’t raise you alone - the rest of the village had a hand in your upbringing, moreso as you got older.
I suspect this kind of cultural clash is common. When I was in high school I dated a girl (born/raised in America) with Korean immigrant parents. Our romantic relationship was brief because her parents didn’t approve, but we remained friends afterwards, and she regularly expressed exasperation about how her parents were constantly trying to run her life.
Sure they hate it: you’re refusing to submit to their control, and insisting on exercising agency in your own life (consistent with being raised in an American culture). People who try to control others always hate it when someone refuses to submit to their control. But if they’re just going to espouse the same position over and over again (“submit to our control!”), then there’s zero point in continuing the conversation, so shutting it down is a solid strategy on your part.
You’ve got leverage, use it. Refuse to be involved in their lives until they treat you decently.
They’ve had more than enough time to get over their tantrum over your choice of boyfriend and lifestyle.
Meanwhile, build your logical family (friends, boyfriend, co-workers you’re close to, bio-logical family members who are respecting you).
I think you should do what’s best for you, which is probably to spend the holiday with your boyfriend and his family. It’s tough but you have to separate from your parents and have your own life. That means not really caring about their opinions on who you date, etc. It’s very hard, but it’s the only way. Eventually they will most likely come around because they will realize you have all the power in the relationship and playing by your rules is the only way they can see you.
As I understand it, your father has already told you you’re not welcome at home right now, so they can’t very well get pissed off at you for not going. Go to your boyfriend’s family, give your parents a few months to chill out, and see what happens.
FWIW, my moderate Indian mother had a similar reaction to my brother living with his now-wife before marriage. She got over it. In fact, she was actually very happy when I told her I had moved in with my now-wife (before we got married).
My family (my brother and his wife included) all think that I am wrong for living with him before marriage. My parents think that when it comes to making decisions like this, I should be thinking about them and being aware of what they would want as much as what I would for myself. That is how they think–since I am part of my family and I was raised by them, I should not be this way.
My parents are not terrible people and I know they love me and want the best for me. We have fought so many years about my love life and they have “let me” date my boyfriend and go on vacations and look past at the fact that we spend the night at each other’s places. All of the things I have stated are actually looked down upon in my culture and in my family but I have always been stubborn to back down. And so I think they are mostly hurt that I would, yet again, be selfish and go after only what I want, despite how that would make them feel. They feel it’s so personal that I am going against them and not respecting their wishes of living separately until they say we can get married.
Thanks to all who have replied back with encouraging words and telling me to stay strong. I do try since I am fighting to be true to myself even though my family, my parents the people that I love dearly, does not accept it and rather wants me to compromise with them. My boyfriend still thinks that if I don’t go home to see my parents, it will be the last time I will ever talk to them or see them and it’s not good to cut off your family even if you disagree to this point. Plus it’ll make it even harder for my parents to warm up to my boyfrriend or his side of the family. I just don’t know how I can survive going home to people who disapprove and think Im the worst person in the world. 
And in my culture we don’t tell our parents to “leave us alone” or “this is my life. I can make my own decisions” because they feel as though they cannot parent us anymore. I have said my share of those phrases to them, only to end in a longer fight so I learned not to say that as often. But I realized that me telling them -this is my life. let me make my own decisions and let it be- is the same as them asking me -listen to us. don’t live with him- so there is a part of me that thinks that I am doing something bad.
There is someone, female, who had the same situation as you and posts a lot about it (or used to.) She may be Indian, but the family dynamic sounds the same.
Maybe someone knows who I am talking about and can ask her to comment.
^ This.
They’ve made it clear your boyfriend is not welcome. If you speak to them at all prior to Thanksgiving (and you are under no obligation to do so) tell them “You made it clear that my boyfriend is not welcome. His family, on the other hand, has welcomed me. We will be spending Thanksgiving at his family’s home, among people who are accepting of our relationship.” Then say good-bye and hang up. Do not let them engage you in further conversation. They are attempting to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend. They have no right in this culture to do that.
If you allow them to dictate your social, dating, and marriage life they will continue to meddle in your life and make you miserable, call you ungrateful a bad daughter, and so on. Do you want that life?
It’s not just Koreans that do this sort of thing - my father’s family tried for years to drive a wedge between my parents. I distinctly remember when, after my grandmother had moved in with us (complicated reasons), my mother finally said “me or her!”. Grandmother smuggly assumed dad would choose his own mother - until she found herself on an airplane bound back for St. Louis. Yep, dad chose mom. Not that mom’s family was any better, they weren’t happy about them getting married either. Oddly enough, my parents’ marriage lasted decades longer than the marriages of those objecting to their pair-up.
I’ve known other set ups like that - an internet friend who is Chinese had his wife’s white family object strenuously for years to their relationship and subsequent marriage. All sorts of cross-cultural and mixed race relationships wind up in this sort of conflict.
You have to choose - your parents’ choice or your choice of spouse. Then you have to stick to it. Otherwise this never ends and you are miserable every holiday forever.
You can’t.
That’s a toxic attitude. Don’t hang around toxic people.
Yes, I know your boyfriend and his family don’t get it.
In the context of American culture you are doing nothing wrong. In the context of Korean culture you are. You now have to choose: are you culturally American or Korean?
Let me reassure you, though, that you are NOT the worst person in the world. You are, however, battling against parents who are controlling and will want to dictate your conduct for the rest of their lives, and apparently the rest of your family agrees with them on this.
Is there a chance that your family might reject you? As a matter of fact, there is. There are parts of my father’s family who deny my very existence, who will never acknowledge my existence or speak to me should we meet face to face, who have “protected” their children from my family by denying their children all contact with their rejected cousins.
On the other hand, I have been surrounded my entire life by people who DO care about me and mine. No matter what, you will not be alone in the world. Sometimes the family you choose is more solidly behind you than the family you were born into to.
Good luck, and try to have a good Thanksgiving.
These aren’t the same thing, since your desire is to have control of your own life, and their desire is to have control of the life of someone besides them (you). Not the same thing at all.
Yeah, but it doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. It’s just a totally different perspective on family relations.
Personally, I’d just point out the obvious to them:
You’re probably going to marry this guy, have babies, etc. They can either be part of the rest of your life or lose the rest of your and their grandchildren’s lives. So it’s up to them whether they want to be caring and respectful people, with a family, or to be angry and separate from their family for the rest of time.
Fundamentally, it’s on the irrational person to become rational. It’s not on you to limit your options in life, because of some other person’s personal hangups.
Just quoting this so you read it again.
(I would’ve left off the “in this culture” apologia. They have no right as human beings to try to control another human being. This attitude has led to everything from tense holidays to horrible global conflicts.)
OK, here’s a question brought to mind by both this thread and the one the OP opened: OP, how much does your boyfriend understand why you feel the way you do? Because I see he’s encouraging you, despite the difficulties brought to both of you because of your parents, to not burn bridges with them. (I note that this seems to happen a lot when people who have close, loving families end up encountering families with more tension and conflict.) Does he understand where you’re coming from and why you’re feeling all this pressure? If you could get his full and unconditional support, I think that not only would this decision be easier for you, but it might help your future together a lot.
Because to answer the question in your other thread, I’m not sure there’s a way to make EVERYBODY happy here. Even though you may not feel like it, you’re the one you should be looking out for in this situation — whatever would make YOU happy, because despite what your family says, you are the only one who can be counted on to look after what you truly want and need. Easier said than done, I’m sure, but that’s how you should approach your decision.
All IMHO, of course.
No, not in your culture - in your parents’ culture. Again, if I understand correctly, you were mostly/completely raised in America. That means your culture is Korean-American, or just American. Your parents may be Korean, but you are not. The fact that you and your parents were raised in different cultures (and therefore have differing expectations about who has authority over your adult life) is behind this, and that difference needs to be pointed out to them.
OP, I wonder if you would be better off seeking advice from a forum more specifically for second generation Asian immigrants? You might find some tips from people who have been through this exact same thing.