How to resolve conflict with your conservative Korean parents after moving in with your SO.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Well, here’s my take, for myself or anyone, really.

At what point are you an adult?
At what point are you responsible for your own life?
At what point are you “Head of Household” for your own self and not part of your parent’s household?

You’re the one who decides such things, not them. When you make that decision to be your own person, your own Responsible Adult, your own personal ‘Head of Household’, then what they demand of you is secondary to what you demand (and need) for yourself.

And that is truly when you become an adult.

42

Bolding mine.

Agree with all of this and the many similar posters above.

But … I want to point out that in many traditional cultures you become an adult only on the day you bury the last of your ancestors. Until then you are but a moon orbiting them. The Koreans are far from the only culture where this is the traditional attitude. An attitude accepted by all, both old and young, generation after generation.

Ultimately the OP needs to decide whether she is most comfortable as a cultural traditional Korean or as a cultural modern American. And then live accordingly. Accepting the slings and arrows that come with whichever choice.

43

To frame it as korean vs american culture is a bit unfair on all the young Koreans fighting similar battles.

44

I would put a timeline in your relationship like if you and him are not engaged with both a ring and a date within 1 year, then maybe you should move out and possibly move on. In the meantime for this year and this year alone, act like a married couple including visiting both sides of the family. If your truly testing the relationship for marriage then this will be part of that test.

Be honest. Many women have delusions about how these relationships will end in marriage and some do but others dont.

And really. If you have been together for 5 years AND living together for one and you still cannot bring yourself to tie the not… Then its time to move on.

Also remind your parents that 10% of first generation immigrants marry outside their group. 40% of second generation and 60% of third generation.

45

I’d say two years living together and the relationship should either be permanent or the parties move on, but otherwise what he said.

Although her parents might still refuse to deal with her SO even if he legally becomes her husband. Sometimes you just can’t win people over.

46

This is garbage advice. Marry when you want.

47

I’m only responding because the OP specifically asked me to respond in a PM. i saw this thread and had no intention of answering it. The truth is, you can’t resolve the conflict. Your parents will never truly accept your other half, and even if by some miracle they do, the rest of your family probably will not.

Well, I made that choice. I cut my parents out of my life. My mother had to literally be on her deathbed before she accepted my other half (We will be together 20 years next April). Now that she is dead my father doesn’t mind him.

But. There will always be a distance. It is ok for Asian parents to hope for someone from the same culture, same language, I’m not saying that. It is not OK for them to expect it and punish the kids if they don’t.

You will never ever change their minds. In Asian families you are by default wrong because you are the younger generation. You are expected to obey, instantly and completely. That is your duty to the Family.

I said, fuck that, and I obey the duty to the Individual - a distinctly Western ideal. This has cost me, but I was prepared to pay the price. You will also pay the price. Can you dump your boyfriend and be happy with a Korean man and make your parents happy? Or can you have a distant, cool relationship, at best, with your parents, and make yourself happy?

I chose me. Your mileage may vary.

Oh, and don’t bother going to Thanksgiving unless you want to be miserable. I always say, of course parents know how to push your buttons - they installed every one of them.

48

thanks all for again replying to my thread. I try not to bombard people with every little nuance that goes on in my life, but I really appreciate every single one who has given me feedback and advices.

The part where they are telling me “just get married. if he loves you then he should just put a ring on it” haha reminds me of the beyonce’s song, and of course I put a spin to my dad’s words. A part of me feels like this is their way of trying to control my situation again–if he doesn’t give you a ring or want to marry you soon, why the need to live with him? Maybe it’s their way of trying to break us up by saying “listen, I don’t think he is intending on marrying you anytime soon” but I know my boyfriend and his limits to dealing with pressure and stress. When I think about it though I do see my dad has a point. So many couples live together in pretense of getting married but it takes them FOREVER to get married. I knew this couple who lived together for like 3 years and been together for 7 years and then got married but that’s also because they were in grad school and such. I told my dad “I listened to what you said and you did really have good pointers and advices so I need to think on it and see what I want and what bf wants and decide together with him what is best for our situation. But I do want to be married and want to go through the proposal and such and he knows that as well.” Then he started talking again “ok, but if he thinks he can’t do that right now then you need to walk away” and that is when I said “I heard what you said. I need to think about it, process it and talk to him. We need to discuss it as couples.” It is very frustrating when Asian parents feel the need to control the situation because their adult children are not acting the way they should be.

49

I agree with you on this. I do think I need to give bf the time frame because I can’t just be by his side without knowing what his plans are. It takes two to tango and that phrase really does make sense to me right now.

My parents prob will still refuse to deal with him, when bf asks me to marry him, but I can only do so much as to keep everyone happy, myself included. I just hope that I am making the right decision and really hope my bf wants the same things around the same time frame as me.

50

5 years is a long time to be dating someone. Sigh, if only I can persuade my bf to propose sooner than later and make everything better and poof, show my parents and tell them “you were wrong” haha. It makes me laugh as I type this.

Guys out there in long term relationships and living together with their SO, why not just propose? What are you afraid of?

51

Do you want to marry your boyfriend? If so, tell him and start planning for it. B/c it looks like you have a similar relationship with your boyfriend as with your parents. You’re putting your desire second to his/their preference.
I know a lot of relationship where one partner never pushed, and 7 or 9 years later they’re still not married. It’s fine when both partners don’t care about marriage, but if it’s important to you, why aren’t you asking for it? Or find someone who does care about marriage.

52

I have a cousin that lived with the same man for 45 years without getting married - totally scandalized the family at first, but after about 30 years they grudgingly started treating them like a couple. Some of them. There are exceptions to every rule given about “how long until you marry or part”. All such advice should be seen as a guideline and not a mandate because sometimes life situations dictate a different course than usual.

53

We’ve been together 19 and 1/2 years and are not married. We mean to. We’ll get to it. Just not on anyone’s schedule but mine and his. Also it helps we don’t have kids.

54

Um, shouldn’t figuring out THIS first and for sure be Priority A Number One ** for both your own sakes, and THEN you can move on to figure out how to deal with the parents?

As others have mentioned, the notion that there HAS to be a marriage proposal within X number of years of being a couple or else something’s wrong is an oversimplification and overgeneralization. Different ways work for different people.

55

Why don’t you propose if that is what you are ready for? You are in a modern relationship—with someone not of your parents’ choosing, with someone not of your heritage group, engaging in premarital intimacy, cohabitation before marriage—be a modern woman. Propose yourself, and then if he refuses, be ready to decide whether you are willing to accept being in a permanent relationship without marriage.

56

Well yeah, he’s your boyfriend, not your mind reader. If there is something specific you need from him, including setting up plans, you need to talk to him. But you need to be clear and specific.

57

Marriage itself isn’t the actual issue here (and yes, we have strayed for from the OP, but I’ll gow ith it.)

The real question is “are both parties truly committed to the same goals for the relationship?” Deciding to havea long term committed relationship without formalizing it is a perfectly valid goal. Deciding to get married immediately is a perfectly valid goal. Deciding you want to get married but only after grad school is a valid goal. Deciding to date for a few years and move on when you get bored is a perfectly valid goal.

But when one partner is committed to Goal X and the other partner is committed to Goal Y, you’ve got a problem. In an early relationship, there is a period of time where people are assessing their compatability and trying to figure out where things are going. But after a year or so, especially for people past young adulthood, there really isn’t any excuse for not being able to articulate to each other where you hope the relationship is headed. If they haven’t decided by then what they want, it’s almost certainly because they have different goals.

Based off what little there is in this thread, it does seem to me like the OP is committed to the idea of marriage in the nearish future, and the boyfriend hasn’t committed to anything. At the very least, they need to have an honest conversation about what they want. More worrying, the OP is bringing in excuses like “anxiety” and “stress”, and unfortunately that’s a pretty classic sign of mismatched priorities.

People who want to get married get married.

58

+1 to everything above about making your own choices and letting them deal with their feeling about it. For the love of all that is holy DO NOT subject yourself to a Holiday filled with verbal and emotional abuse at your parent’s house. People who have never experienced this do not understand how excruciating and soul sucking it is. They will spend the entire time trying to break your spirit and force obedience from you. STAY AWAY! To your boyfriend and other encouragers, just say “They would only berate and insult me the entire time, treating me like a bad person.”

I’m guessing that from your parent’s perspective this man has dishonored you, and will continue to do so. I’m left deeply concerned for what will happen if you two should break up. Who would you have to lean on? Who would treat you as a whole person, not some less worthy dishonored creature? (And believe me, I have an Irish Catholic family, it’s not just a Korean attitude.)

Please make sure that you are devoting time to friendships. Be thinking about who your support system is, outside this little tangle of fun. It may well be that this is the love of your life and you two will be each other’s support forever. But just in case . . .

As for

I think saying that you are engaged might help. Not that you should rush the decision for this reason, but when you are ready, call them and let them know. See if it gets better.

OK, well if that’s true, why aren’t you two engaged? I think they are right that if you find you are incompatible you will break up. Unless you are just anti-marriage in general? Also fine, but it’s not clear form the above where your relationship stands. What is important to you? Is marriage a goal or not? If not, then this is really not about boyfriend at all. For your parents, marriage is the one and only goal for you - the only possible route of security and social acceptance. This is massively important in their eyes, and they see him as having destroyed your prospects for a good one. (Again, not something I agree with, just trying to clarify the postures here.)

Send something nice to your parents, flowers, or yummy treats. Include a note telling them that you love and respect them, and hope to see them soon. Then go spend time with open-minded people. And try to devote some time this weekend to strengthening your personal support network. And try to talk about other things, don’t let this dominate the weekend.

59

Post #57 by even sven really nailed it. As she so often does.

The OP has two distinct problems: unsupportive parents and uncommitted BF. We’ve addressed the first and it’s time to turn to the second.

You must, must, MUST have a clear conversation in plain English with the BF. No hinting, no passive aggressive, no hoping he’ll hear some signal you think you’re giving off. For example:

“I want to get married to you during 2016. By the end of 2015 I want to set a firm date and tell all our friends and family. That’s what I want. What do you want?”[sup]1[/sup]

He may be relieved that you broached the subject in plain English. And he’ll give you a clear “yes” and you’ll set a date, or a clear “no”. “No” may also come with “I’m comfortable with an informal commitment between us to the long term” or with “I’m outta here” or with “I make no commitments long than next week”.

If you can’t get one of those four answers keep pushing until you do. Push at least weekly and better yet daily. Once you get an answer then promptly act on what you’ve learned.

I expect this is what will happen: You’ll get a bunch of “Um, err, well we’ll see, maybe in January we’ll talk again, …”. So now you have your answer. Your BF has no intention of ever getting married to you and his commitment *this *week extends no farther than *next *week.

Regardless of what happens, now you correctly understand the situation you’ve unwittingly had for the last few years. And now you can make your next move based on that correct understanding.

Yes, this whole process has a lot more ways to cause you pain than pleasure. But what you’re doing today isn’t exactly discomfort-free. What you’re doing now *is *broken and *does *need fixing. Get to work.

=====
[sup]1. For bonus points when you’re laying out your wants in plain English it should include your desires about children. “I want none”, “I want 3 ASAP”, etc. A lot of people get married thinking only of their couple-ness. Discovering later that you have very different ideas about actually having kids (rather than just talking in nebulous generalities about children as an abstract concept) is often cause for divorce shortly after baby #1 arrives. That’s a mistake well worth avoiding.[/sup]

60

Earlier this year I watched a documentary called Banana in a Nutshell. It’s about Roseanne Liang, a New Zealand woman trying to get her immigrant Chinese parents to accept her white fiancé. One thing she said that I found interesting is that when people immigrate to another country, they are oftentimes cut off from their birth culture, which is changing every day. But they only know the culture as it was when they left 20, 30, whatever years ago. So then they are trying to raise their children in a culture that no longer exists. It was Roseanne’s aunts and uncles back in China who were telling her parents to knock it off and accept her fiancé.

It’s on Netflix.