How friendly are you with the people at work? Do you eat lunch with others? Do you participate in any water cooler banter? Do you ever pop your head into other people’s cubicles just to chat?
I live in solitude myself. My life is very much “unpeopled”. But at work I try to step out of my bubble and interact with others in the ways I just listed. People may not know me personally, and that’s fine with me. But at least they smile and nod at me when we’re in the elevator together. Little stuff like that helps me not feel so alienated.
Do you have a laptop or tablet? Instead of going home straight after work, maybe you could hang out at a crowded Starbucks for a while and use the free wi-fi while awhile. I know that sounds like a waste of time, but doing stuff like this is my “compromise”. It gets me around people and their energy, but not too close to them that I feel overwhelmed.
Also, look to see if your town has a science pub. I attended a science pub event back in November that was pretty cool. Didn’t make any friends or anything, but that wasn’t why I went. I just wanted to do something in the company of others and absorb fellow “geek” energy.
Bear in mind that for solitary people, their relationships with themselves will have its ups and downs, just as relationships between spouses.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself” is such a stock phrase, but still, if you were in a relationship with someone who constantly demanded that you entertain him or her, be more successful, stopped losing your attractiveness, and in general treated you like a utility and not a human being, you’d dump that person.
But you don’t have that option when you’re doing it as a sole unit. So the old adage that “marriage takes work” means that singlehood takes even more work. But in either case, you can’t afford to blow it off.
I was just talking to my shrink yesterday who thinks I should ‘socialize’ more. I explained that most of the time I prefer my own company as I get irritated / annoyed with people. However, ***I do need to see a friends once or twice /B]*a month for my mental health.
Can’t you think of ways you might cultivate a friend or two through your regular activities or one you might start to meet like-minded individuals? I suspect you’re depressed so putting yourself out there will be very hard. Look, I did it, plus had a couple of friends from way back - so it’s not a lost cause yet, as long as you don’t give up.
It’s not uncommon for me to go a week or two without speaking to anyone other than my spouse. And we don’t have many common interests, so it’s not exactly intellectually stimulating conversation. My solution is to stay busy with hobbies. I love to read and watch movies, but I need something that requires some kind of motion beyond blinking. For me, that’s knitting. It eats up a lot of time for relatively little investment.
There are 4 knitting groups in my area that meet weekly or monthly, but I haven’t attended any yet. I’m somewhere in between the old ladies that meet at the library and the soccer moms that meet at the bookstore, so I use the old ‘I know I won’t fit in’ excuse to keep from going. Because it’s scary! What if I’m the fattest, or my clothes are the ugliest, or my knitting is the sloppiest, or my stories are the most boring?
I’m afraid I’ll find out that I’m lonely because I deserve it, instead of believing it’s just for lack of effort. My husband the atheist has even encouraged me to start attending the local UU church!
Seriously, I know I have reasonably simple options but my fear keeps me from acting. If I didn’t have my dogs I would probably have done something about this a long time ago. It’s amazing how much their presence alleviates my loneliness.
It isn’t a bad idea. When I moved to where I am currently living, I searched out for the local pub - which was in walking distance. Of course, originally you aren’t going to know many people, but you soon get to really start knowing folks who live close by and may actually develop some close relationships out of it (and actually, it results more from out to the the bar on Mon-Thurs rather than the weekends - weekends can be too busy/crowded for deep conversation whereas the weekdays you can really have some quite interesting, long talks).
Another category of remedies I use is to do the things I like to do that I pretty much want to do solo. Listen to the music I enjoy at full volume. Cook something only I would enjoy. Masturbate. Get some writing done. Et cetera.
The company of our fellow humans is not always an unmixed blessing. Solitude is something to be savored, even craved, not feared. Imagine if you lived in a human anthill like Tokyo or Calcutta. Or in a household with twelve people.
I’ve moved to new places a few times, and I’m always lonely at first. I’m a people’s person, an extravert, so I get lonely quite easily.
I’ve found any club, activity or volunteering takes care of that quickly. I usually end up leaving the club or activity pretty soon, but keep the friends.
For your interests, I’m not sure what might be a nice thing to join. My papa who suffers from terrible depression (and when it gets bad loses his friends ) recently joined the campaign team for the local elections. He’s found like-minded people and they can’t believe their luck with a guy like him. He’s happy as a clam and can’t stop talking about his new friends. I think it helps that they’re, y’know, the good guys fighting for the side of righteousness and all that!
Personally, though it might not be your thing at all, I’d say find an am dram group. They’ll be fun and outgoing people and you work towards something so that creates a great bond. It doesn’t have to be acting, they need people for tech and back stage and tickets and everything. And as I said, you can just leave and keep the friends!
I agree that quality of friends is extremely important not the number of them. Those people who have a parade of visitors in their homes and are never by themselves don’t have real friends but superficial acquaintances so they don’t make real connections. Real friends are developed through doing things you have a passion for which could be anything. Doing what you love allows you to be around like minded people. Whatever you do, don’t go hang out in bars. I think that had to be about the saddest place to meet people.
Exactly! I couldn’t have said it better. I even know a guy who cannot drink alcohol, but hangs out at the bar drinking water and tipping the bartender.
While I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone who might have serious substance abuse issues, it’s always worked for me! Find yourself a good local pub and show up regularly. Sit at the bar, talk to some of the folks there and get to know the bartenders. Next thing you know, you’re a regular, arguing about the music, playing trivia, and getting high behind the dumpster with the bartender and a one-armed senior citizen named Bill (:)).
You need to find the right place which can be a bit tricky (Pro tip: Dank and grungy does not equal bad. Upscale does not equal good). Try to find a place where you’re not the craziest or sanest person there.
A cat is totally fine being alone all day. And some dogs are fine too. Hell, being alone in the house is better than being in a cage at the pound right? Just be sure to give him lots of attention before and after work. I think this could be a good thing for you. If you get a dog, find a local dog park. I’ve met lots of people by going to mine. You have something in common right away to talk about.
I’ve watched some of those reality prison shows, and of course movies like Papillion and Birdman of Alcatraz…and I’ve wondered how I would handle solitary confinement. I think as long as I had something to read, I’d be okay. I know Papillion didn’t,
I have so many hobbies, or perhaps just a few very involved hobbies, that I’m never bored. I’m not joking, either. Between feeding and caring for my house, and addressing my interests I never have enough time. It makes living alone tolerable… and sometimes very fun.
But I do have a few friends that I see infrequently. I’d say I visit one a week. I have one that I can connect with well, and he makes me laugh like crazy. I have another who is eternally upbeat and seems to enjoy anything and everything. The last one is the type of friend you can just sit on the couch with and shoot the breeze for an entire day.
Having them ups my quality of life greatly, but even when it was just me, and only me, I managed. If bad thoughts start creeping in, get moving and stay busy:tackle a home project, organize your Hawaiian shirt collection, etc.
) recently joined the campaign team for the local elections. He’s found like-minded people and they can’t believe their luck with a guy like him. He’s happy as a clam and can’t stop talking about his new friends. I think it helps that they’re, y’know, the good guys fighting for the side of righteousness and all that! 