How do you honestly feel about interracial relationships?

In My Humble Opinion
121

[hijack]
Sorry, Coldfire, I missed your earlier post just now. I’m born and bred in The Netherlands so I feel completely Dutch, but ethnically/genetically or whatever (and in appearance) I’m fully Chinese.

With regard to my English: thank you, and same to you :D. I just saw another post of you in the American accent thread, I guess my learning curve was similar. When I was a kid I read a lof of British game magazines, later on a lot of English SF and literature. I used to work for an American multinational which had mandatory English for all communication, I shared an office with a native British guy for two years. After that I’m fairly confident with respect to my writing skills in English (though I do make the occasional slip in idom). And I tend to mingle British and American spelling/idiom (colour/color etc.).

Still I do not feel special in this manner over here. Most non-English/American SDMB users are quite good at this (see Priceguy’s prose for an example).
[/hijack] (I should stop with these off-topic remarks)

On-topic: I can fully understand why you were a bit surprised at your girlfriend’s (lucky guy, you :slight_smile: ) question, but I would have the same apprehension as she voiced. While I feel quite confident in general in The Netherlands, on occasion you may meet people who have a problem and it is better to be prepared beforehand. Especially if they are your inlaws. Even with people close to you it is not always easy to tell their true opinions, see what samarm told about his SO.

Good thread, this, samarm. And I appreciate the frankness and honesty with which everyone is willing to say their true opinions and experiences.

122

Or spelling. :smiley:

It’s funny how the Dutch differentiate between minorities, when it comes to discrimination. Chinese are mostly regarded as hard-working and friendly (I guess this stems from the Chinese take-out restaurant stereotype, sambal bij? :)), and succesful. Try and ask a white Dutchman what he feels about people from Surniname: chances are the stereotypes will be a lot more negative. Yet, people from Suriname and the Antilles got almost 100% of all racism in the 60’s and 70’s, whereas the emphasis seems to have shifted to Turks and Morrocans these days, much like the Yugoslavians in Priceguy’s example: they’re the newest kids on the block.

Of course, it’s fashionable to look down on Muslims these days, they’re obviously all terrorists. :rolleyes:

Then again, maybe the Dutch aren’t all that special in their stereotyping and racism after all. In any case, I always feel there’s plenty of (semi-) hidden bidotry for a nation that’s supposedly so tolerant.

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have nothing against it.
Whatver (or whoever, in this case) makes you happy.

The more genetic diversity, the better for the species.
:slight_smile:

124

Zero problems here. My best friend is black, married a white girl I introduced him to. I stood as best man at his wedding, and am godfather to thier daughter. Nothing makes me prouder.

125

(Very white English male here.) Whatever other flaws they might have had, my parents, God bless 'em, were completely non-racist. I grew up in an area (the commuter belt of South-East England) not noted for racial diversity … but I had friends at school and in the neighbourhood, nonetheless, who were mixed-race, and it never occurred to me to regard this as anything other than entirely normal. If there’s any credit going for this, as I say, it goes to my parents, for bringing me up right.

As a result, I can’t imagine my mother objecting if I brought home a girlfriend of any colour under the sun - apart from the slight problem that no woman on Earth could possibly be good enough for “her little boy”. But mothers are like that.

For myself … every woman I’ve been seriously attracted to has been white … but I think that’s down to lack of opportunity more than anything else. (There haven’t been a lot … and since most of the women I meet are white, well … ) I have no intrinsic objections to women of any ethnic/cultural origin.

126

I have no problems with “interracial” marrying, which is a good thing since I’m of northern European stock and my wife is Chinese. But mainly this is because I subscribe to the view that the concept of “race” is unfounded.

If you walked from the darkest Africa (as in skin color) to Sweden, you would never encounter a place that was on a boundary, with one race living on one side, another race on the other. You would find a gradual change in features, a continuum. If you asked any of the “middle” people how they liked being of mixed race, they would scratch their heads and wonder what you meant.

That said, I would discourage the average person from seeking a mate outside of his/her culture, unless it is in another culture for which you already have a strong affinity. Marriage is difficult enough without all the extra headaches that come with cultural differences. At least half of the fights my wife and I have are due either to different expectations about the husband/wife roles stemming from cultural differences, or misunderstandings because she is not a native English speaker.

So if my daughter came home with a black man, I wouldn’t have a problem with his skin color. But if he was from the inner city, I would advise her against it – unless she was specifically drawn to and liked urban African-American culture.

But most Americans have millions of people their age within their culture. If you can’t find a mate in that pool, it indicates a problem with you. Short-term success with someone of another culture is quite possibly due to the cultural differences masking short-comings that would be evident between two people of the same culture. That’s what happened in my case. We got past it, but it wasn’t easy.

127

I always said I would never have a problem with it.

Almost 4 years ago now, my best friend in the world started dating this guy, she was really serious about him. It was love, they were going to be together forever, etc. When I met him, he was black. As much as I’d love to say I embraced the idea. While I wasn’t openly critical, I was very skeptical inside. I knew it wouldn’t work out. They lasted for over 2 years…and he’s now my best friend. I couldn’t picture my life without him. I love him with all my heart.

So yeah, I still don’t think I’d have a problem with it.

128

What is urban African American culture?

Just because a person grew up in an inner city environment, doesn’t mean he’s only interested in rap music, wearing his pants down around his knees and drinking 40 ounces of malt liquor at a time. Not that you were implying that or anything…

129

I have dated other men of all races. Though, I haven’t had a serious relationship with a black man yet. The black men I have dated in the past were pretty shallow and we didn’t have many things in common (even the sex was bad which is a very bad thing), but I blame that more on my poor own poor judgement.

I have dated many hispanic and caucasian men and have had some very serious relationships with hispanic and caucasian men. I have had a few flings with Native Americans, Asians (Chinese and Japanese), and a closeted Iranian Muslim (he seemed out at the time…but wasn’t really). So, race doesn’t really play into my dating scheme.

My sister married a wonderful Hispanic man. My father, who is fairly racist, immediately lost most of those qualities when he saw how well her husband treats her and how well they get along. It took him longer coming to terms with my boyfriends than hers.

I am more put off by someone who doesn’t share things in common with me. Being from South Texas is very similar to living in a more opulent form of Northern Mexico so there are a lot of cultural similarities that I share with Hispanic men which in turns tends to lead to a better and more lasting relationships. As it is now, I can see myself getting hitched to virtually any race as long as we had enough common views to make things work. As other posters have said, cultural similarities and intelligence are the biggest qualifiers for relationship candidates.

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Right. But I’m not talking about superficialities. I’m talking about the complex subtleties in the interactions between people: body language, inflexion, things like that. Also, values and principles that are unspoken and taken for granted in a culture, are very subtle and perhaps seemingly insignificantly different, yet can cause a surprising amount of friction between two people as close as husband and wife.

131

TGWATY, my boyfriend is from as different a cultural background as I can imagine. His family speaks a different language, arguably one of the most difficult on the planet to learn. His culture has roots that are so deep and so different than mine, it’s mindboggling.

And I find it exhiliarating. Our differences don’t drive us apart, they’re one of the things that bring us closest together. I try and learn his language, and he thinks it’s sweet, and charming, and funny as hell. I read what I can about his peoples’ history, and he fills me in on the details that come from living among them.

Meanwhile, I’m able to fill him in on details of culture and history that he may have missed. I’m a font of weird literary and musical trivia, and he was never exposed to much of that kind of thing.

We have a lot in common; our sense of humor, most prominently, and some family structure similarities, and so on. But mostly, we have a relationship that works because we have similar definitions of what’s funny, and what’s sexy, and what’s annoying, and what’s kind and what’s considerate and mostly, of what love is. We’ve developed into similar people, despite coming from very, very different cultures.

If two people who don’t know how to revel in each others’ individuality, each others’ differences, then yeah, cross-cultural dating may be a mess. If you insist on your mate being just like you, then dating someone different won’t work well. But if you go through life wanting to experience what different people are like, if you can appreciate and even celebrate the fact that people are vastly diverse, then there shouldn’t be a problem with dating outside of your own culture at all.

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Any girl can date my son as long as she passes the Sonny Test -
When you go to pick up your date lock your car when you get out. When you’re coming back to the car unlock her door first, let her get in and then shut her door for her. Walk around the back of the car and stop and tie your shoe. If she unlocks your door for you she’s a good girl. If she doesn’t she’s a selfish pig and you should forget about her

(From A Bronx Tale)

Seriously. I’d like to think I’d be far more judgemental about how a girl treats my son (and everybody else) than about her racial or ethnic background.

133

I can’t imagine a white woman staying in a relationship with a man of any race who doesn’t perform cunnilingus and calls her “bitch.”

134

Like some others, I would probably be surprised initially, but only because it would not be what I was expecting as I don’t have much interaction with many black people, but I wouldn’t have a problem with it. At least I hope not.

I have dated a black girl in the past, and would have no hesitation in doing so again (although my current girlfriend might object!). As I said, I don’t know many black people, but one of my pals is black and is married to a white woman and it’s not something I ever think about.

135

Moderator’s note:

Wrong-o. Hateful and trolling.

Don’t bother to say bye-bye. I’m saying it for you.

TVeblen,
for the SDMB

136

When my daughter’s old enough to make her own decisions regarding her love life–this will occur in about twenty-eight years or so ;)–she’s welcome to bring home a boy of any race . . . or ethnicity . . . or whatever . . . she chooses.

Sadly, I’ll have serious problems if my daughter does bring home a minority, particularly if he’s black. For reasons I don’t really understand, my father’s developed quite a case of open racism in the last few years. It used to be that he just wouldn’t deal with black people much (I only ever saw one black guy in the house growing up, and that was because a business deal–something about an insurance company and the agency sent over a black guy). Now, though, my father finds fault with almost everybody who isn’t white, and he’s quite vocal about what is “wrong” with them–just pick the stereotype and slur and it’s probably come out of Dad’s mouth. And the hatred seems to be getting worse. :frowning:

That said, except for the practical problem of dealing with my father’s prejudices, I don’t think I’ll have any issues if my daughter dates somebody of different race. I just hope she can find somebody she can be happy with. Now, if she brings home a kid with stupid politics, that’s another matter . . . :slight_smile:

137

MrVisible: Great post, really. You speak very eloquently. I’m happy for you and your partner. I would say that to find a good mate, you don’t need to agree on everything, but you need to agree on the stuff that matters the most. Stuff like morals, respect for other people etc. You make a good point about cultural diversity - it can and should be something that people use as a learning experience. It is an oppotunity to expand your knowledge on a subject. I think people are sometimes scared of intercultural / interracial relationships because they are scared of the unknown. This is maybe a natural reaction, but it should not seen as a barrier - just the opposite in fact.

138

Sorry, slightly off-topic…

Shanghainese men are well known for their willingness to do household chores. :slight_smile:

139

I am white, classic wasp, my wife is black. I grew up in the suburbs of Boston, she graduated from high school in the Bronx. We have been married 24 years and have 3 teen age children that seem well adjusted to life here in a small town about 25 miles south of Boston. Some of my family had some issues at first, but kept it mostly to themselves. The one thing that I found most amazing is that my mother had serious issues with my sister marrying a catholic, but no problems whatsoever with my marrying a black.

140

If my daughter brought home someone of a different race - no, not a problem. Much of my family is in inter-racial relationships (we look like the UN at get-togethers), and I’m in an inter-racial relationship myself.

If my daughter brought home someone of a different religion, it could potentially be a problem, but that depends on how my daughter’s suitor interpreted that religion.

If she brought home someone of a totally different culture I know it could potentially lead to problems, but again, it depends on the person. It certainly isn’t as simple as saying ‘race doesn’t matter.’

It hadn’t occurred to me before, but I don’t think I mentioned my girlfriend’s race to my parents before they met her (I’m Scottish/English, she’s Chinese). I wonder if they even noticed along with the shock of her being female :smiley:

Like I said, much of my family is in inter-racial marriages, but that’s actually only my Dad’s side of the family. My Mum’s side (they’re divorced and both remarried) is startlingly white and I think some of them might have been uncomfortable with my GF’s race. My step-Dad seemed incapable of talking to her the one time he met her. However, there’s no way of knowing whether that was because she was Chinese, she’s gay, or she’s upper-middle-class, such a variety of culture-clashes to choose from!

My GF’s family, if they knew about me, would not be happy about me being white, assuming they ever got past the lesbian issue. They have disapproved of her sisters’ white BF’s before on the basis of race and until recently they were constantly trying to fix my GF up with eligible Chinese men. I’m fairly certain that, while my GF is invited to my family’s weddings and so on, I would not be invited to Ching Ming even if I were to marry my GF. For some people race really does matter.